You can't stand up there with a stop sign and redirect them to Cincinnati.--Jim McCarthy, commenting on our winged poop machines

That's funny. We as residents have got to get involved and I'm willing to tackle the geese and pigeon problem. All I need is a case of beer, two packs of smokes, some CO2 cartridges, a few packages of those pointy pellets, and a bag of corn. Oh, and for everyone to look the other way for a couple of days. Problem solved. Cost to the taxpayers: $50 bucks.

Yippee! The bottom two levels of Park 'n' Lock Central are now open and the top two levels should be open to the public within a couple of weeks. The new crew at city hall just needs to keep pluggin' away.

Get this. A big rig ripped down one of our downtown light standards yesterday. Cut us a freakin' break already! Forget the past administration and all of it's misdeeds. Did we as a city do something to seriously annoy the largest employer of angels? Jeez!

Since the home rule decision is still being appealed, we might as well beat up on that bullspit some more. We were told that the six counties that adopted a home rule charter became the models of perfection. Those counties are so perfect that the residents have left their bodies behind and are now silicon-based higher lifeforms. When Carl Goodwin isn't busy raising taxes and insulting everyone in Kingston Township, his home rule community, he often cites Allegheny County as one of the examples of home rule perfection.

So what did the Voice report today? That county has paid more than $1.5 million since 1996 to settle lawsuits brought by former employees who claimed they were fired because their politics differed from incoming officials... The county has won four trials, lost three, settled 17, and has 10 still pending. That all sounds like perfection to me.

The Wilkes-Barre Fire Department made a delivery of sandbags to the DPW facility today. Now, that's what I call progress. Clean it up.

The Sunday Times Leader story New mayor...old troubles was a good read and very well done. I loved the front page photo of Tom Leighton. He looks like he's gettin' jiggy with it, or possibly even rappin'. We can do this.

Yo! Big W-B! I'm the new Mayor Tom and I'm the gig, we gotsta run the thing like a business, you dig? Nasty debt? Broken streets? Wassup wit dat sh*t? Uh, maybe not.

Anyway, the Kings College president, the Wilkes University president, the manager of Provincial Towers, an outspoken resident, and the Wilkes-Barre NAACP president were all interviewed and they offered their numerous thoughts on what we need to do as a community and how we might achieve those things. They were good ideas all, even though Tom Leighton is not hurting for anymore advice at this point. I think he's heard it all about 100 times over. If the Times Leader reporter accosted you and asked you what we needed to do turn Wilkes-Barre around, what would your answer be? A theater? Cleaner streets?Dependable city vehicles? Much more fiscal responsibility? A motocross track? Improved lighting downtown? Flea markets on the Square? More cops? Horse cops? Scooter cops? Bike cops? Flying cops? What would you bring to the table? Would it be anything such as this from the Leader story?

Ron Felton, president of the local chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People said he thinks more minorities would also like to feel more involved in city government.

He suggests the new mayor be more aggressive in recruiting minority staff members and reach out to those whose voices otherwise might not be heard.

"I think he should attend events in the minority community to show he is the mayor of all the people," Felton said.

Thanks for nothing, Ron. Why do the members of the press even seek out his predictable form letter response to every possible question? Ron, how do we fix Wilkes-Barre? Hire more minorities. How about NASA? Hire more minorities. The New York Giants? Hire more minorities. Leslie Fay? Hire more minorities. Off the top of your head, what is the average wingspan of a European Swallow? Hire more minorities. How many countries border Yemen? Hire more minorities. What band once held five of the top ten positions on the Billboard charts at the same time? Hire more minorities. Holy moly! Look! It's Paris Hilton and she's completely naked!!! Hire more minorities. Thanks Ron. We'll take your plethora of innovative ideas under advisement.

Follow this story. In July of 2003, my brother gave his neighbor $350 and his car, because the guy, who is a mechanic, promised to replace his fuel pump and a window motor. A month passed. My brother tried to contact the guy, but supposedly, he was never home. Two months passed. More of the same. Three months passed. Still no Bob. Four months passed. Five. Still, according to his wife, the guy is AWOL. After six months, the week before Christmas, my brother bangs on their door and tells wifey that if the car isn't in his driveway by the end of the day, Bob is headed for reconstructive surgery on his entire face. Voila! Bob appears at my brothers door talking tough. Ray advised him that he was about to die and he instantly changed his tune to "I'll have the car back here within a week" and starts whining about the multitude of problems he's had since he took the car. Boo-freakin-hoo!

So, three more weeks have passed and no car. Big shock there. And Bob went and got himself evicted and moved away without providing a forwarding address. Finally, finally, Ray takes my advice and calls the Kingston Township Police Department and gets brushed off within thirty seconds with "That's a civil matter. Go to a magistrate." The scurf took his fargin' money, took his fargin' car, moved away, and the cops aren't even interested? Wow! Maybe I was wrong to tell Ray to calm down before he got himself into trouble. Maybe we should have just beaten the f**ker senseless and called it even. Anyway, the last thing Grand Theft Auto Bob told brother Ray was that the car was being stored on Fulton Street in Wilkes-Barre, so this past Saturday I left a message for the copper dude that investigates stolen cars here in the city.

Assuming that the car hasn't been chopped for parts, we're looking for a 1995 Grand Am GT, which is dark green and in very good shape. The plate number was at one time DGZ-4813 and the VIN number is 1G2NW55M2SC762457. Ray has been searching the Back Mountain for Bob's new homestead, some trailer park, so if you come across this vehicle, give me a ring. The life you save will be Bob Briggs'.

It was nice and warm out there today, so I took a nice walkabout the downtown area and picked up some odds and ends. The soup kitchen crowd never fails to crack me up. They can afford cigarettes, but not food. Those folks that drag Rubbermaid storage containers behind their bikes were in attendance, as was good old Charlie Weiss. I happened upon a dude with long unkept hair, tons of holes in his dirty jeans, and he was wearing a thermal undershirt rather than a coat. He looked just like me when I was in high school. He sure does seem to like his angel food cake, considering that he carries one with him wherever he goes.

You know, I'll betcha our empty beer cans are still lying underneath Coughlin's auditorium. I don't know if even the janitors could figure out how to get underneath there. I can't even imagine what would happen to me if I got caught with two six-packs in my gym bag in this crazy age of zero tolerance. Directly to prison boy. Do not pass Politically Correct 101. Do not collect a useless diploma. I once got caught carrying an enormous buck knife in the halls of Coughlin and was quizzed as to why I brought it to school. I told the assistant principal the truth. I told him that another student was interested in purchasing it. He confiscated it and that was that. No ATF. No SWAT. No federal case was made of it. I received the supposedly dreaded detention. I imagine that his son really enjoyed owning that knife. Whatever.

Paul O'Neill? You gotta be kiddin' us. I can't wait to watch the network news tonight and giggle myself silly as his useless stammering is portrayed as the ultimate in truth-telling.

Good evening. I'm Peter Jennings and I hate George W. Bush. Tonight's top story...

The ACLU is backing Rush Limbaugh because his to right to privacy has been violated by overzealous political enemies? Dammit! Talk about two polar opposites joining forces. Politics does make for strange bedfellows, but this one is hard to believe.

Here ya' go. This could keep you out trouble. Feel free to print it out and then carry it with you wherever you may go while trolling for...well...girls. There is no need to thank me.

"I declare that I am at this time not under the influence of alcohol, drugs or medication and agree to engage in consensual sex with _______ and to not change my mind before the sex act is over."

After seeing Brett Favre throw the most ill-advised pass that any veteran quarterback ever managed to throw, do you suppose they'll shelve that "Monday Morning Quarterback" commercial of his that's been running lately?

After watching that performance, I'm still trying to figure out why anyone thinks the Eagles are one of the elite teams in the NFL. It won't take too much to knock them out of the box next year.

Gotta run.

Good evening. I'm Peter Jennings and I hate George W. Bush. Tonight's top story...