There's really nothing going on today, so I thought I'd take some time and explain to all y'all why you are way off base thinking that Susan Dey is hotter than Maureen McCormick. Scratch that.

Let's try this instead.

And a Merry f**king Christmas to you too, moron. More proof that it's better to not speak when you don't have a f**king clue as to what you're talking about.

What's the latest on the mayor's salary? $72,000? Okay, so he gets paid $72,000, he gets health-care benefits, and a room with a view now that it's been fumigated. By the way, the fumigation quip is not a gag. Guess what? Before very long, the money that Tom Leighton is being paid will be seen as money well spent when Wilkes-Barre is on sound financial footing again and rebounds in a very noticeable way. When we're all rejoicing about how far the city has come in such a short period of time, he'll be considered a bargain when compared to some mayors of the past. $72,000 won't buy us four fully-equipped police cars, but what it will buy us is a brighter future. Politics in Wilkes-Barre may never change, but what did change was that we've got a responsible and optimistic leader and we've got things to look forward to now.

And let's cover this flap over Jake Lisman's salary. Things may have calmed down since we slayed the McDragon, but I've still got plenty of sources inside of city hall. Yes, he's collecting his retirement benefits. Yes, he's also collecting a salary since coming out of retirement to lead our hose dudes. The details of his compensation are really no one's business, but I'm getting tired of e-mailers pointing to him as some sign of double-dipping, or politics-as-usual. I'm also annoyed every single time I read his name in the SAYSO column. You'll never meet a nicer guy and he commands the respect of those he leads. But...supposedly...he's costing us too much money. Once and for all, let's put that rumor to bed. He is our fire chief and he is also the lowest paid member of our fire department. And that was at his request.

Merry f**king Christmas, asshole!

SNAKE sent me a link to a site that supposedly has the dope on all things Wilkes-Barre. It's a feeble attempt, but this pic jumped off the monitor at me. Notice anything gumbied here? Sorry about that. "Gumbied" is old Franklin's slang for completely screwed up.

Believe it or not, I've inherited more than a touch of my Grandpop's photographic memory. On a dare, I once drew a map of the entire Earth and left out only four countries. We still have it down the basement somewhere. For whatever reason, I'm a whiz at geography. Who cares? The sad fact is, most of our younger folks suck at geography. If you doubt that, ask your kids how many countries border North Korea, and you'll be stunned when they don't think of the obvious, that being South Korea. Any-funking-way, is there anything wrong with that pic? That map? I'm fairly certain the body of water on the right is the Atlantic Ocean. But what's that body of water on the top? Is that the Canadian Ocean?

For more accurate info on Wilkes-Barre follow this link.

I also snagged this pic from the same site. If you view it through a magnifying glass, you can see Gage and I in the middle of the Market Street bridge. Watch for the glare from our bike helmets.

If you believed that for even a nanosecond, I've got some oceanfront property in North Dakota that I'm willing to trade for a few dated Cheap Trick bootleg tapes.

I know. I know. We really shouldn't draw attention to the dolts we call our neighbors. They look normal enough. They have a job and bring home the bacon. They probably own an SUV and have a New York Jets banner hanging from the front porch. And they've probably got a bitchin' snow blower too. Who knew they had one chromosome too many?

A cause that's related to terrorism??? Are we drunk? There is no greater educational tool available to anyone than a public library. And it seems to me that if the terrorists of the world were much better educated, terrorism would have never become the rage of the disaffected dummies in the first place. What maroon could object to funding education by remembering the folks that perished on 9/11? Then the caller contradicts their own argument at the very end. The money raised should be used to "help defray HMO premiums, or to finish the downtown theater project?" Yeah, baby! Now, there's a thought process! If we build the long-awaited theater, that'll somehow stop terrorism?

How the hell do the folks at the Times Leader manage to print a newspaper each and every day. The employee that plays these messages back has to be running around the building interupting every reporter trying to get their stories in before the paper goes to print. "Dude! Dude! Dude! I know you're up against a deadline here, but you just have to hear this one. Some jackass just called and said..."

Huh! I was surprised when I perused this e-mail:

*******Hi Mark. How are you doing?

Just a F.Y.I. since you are going to the game tomorrow, the North Wilkes-Barre(North End and East End) and South Wilkes-Barre Little Leagues help out at the arena as a non-profit group member. We get a nice piece of the almightly corporate pie for each game we work. We as individuals don't get paid(it's strictly volunteer) but a portion of the income for that stand goes towards the little leagues.

If you get the munchies or just want to say hi to the volunteers of these leagues, stop by Stand #7( area of section 102).

By the way, it looks like you have great seats for the game. I had some seats in the upper deck for some past games. You really will enjoy them.*******

I had no idea that anything like that went on inside of that building. When we plunk down some cash, we are helping the local Little League? That's WAY cool. There's a story just waiting for one of our intrepid local reporters. Who would have thunk it?

Speaking of Stand #7 near Area 51, I gotta go. The blood on the ice awaits us.

Stay patient, kiddies.