This is nuts. I’ve got two toddlers trashing the entire place top to bottom, side to side. Wifey is as sick as a dog, whatever that means. I had absolutely no intention of turning this word processor on today. And then the following e-mail appeared. I’m not entirely sure why it got buried in the black hole that is the “junk e-mail” file, but here it is:

Yeah, you’ve got me pegged pretty good. I’ll do just about anything for a free campaign button. But not that.

Trouble? Trouble? Uh, you can say that again. Basically, all that remains of the once plentiful presidential hopefuls is three people I would never have considered voting for. It’s 2 AM, the bar is about to close, and the only girls left in the bar are all dog-ugly. Arf!

It’s gotten so completely bad, there is still an outside chance that I may vote for Hillary. And just the thought of such an unenviable thing makes me want to tear up my voter registration card, drink an awful lot of fermented weeds and repeatedly beat the hamster. Not to worry though. I have yet to hear of anyone having been arrested for hamster abuse. Although, I’m absolutely certain there must be a group out there devoted to rescuing abused hamsters from their abusive owners. Probably. I’m picturing bored trophy wives with nothing better to do. Blondes, in fact. With their high school cheerleader jackets covered in plastic in a nearby closet. The types of vain chicks who have their asses propped back up by a doctor. Yikes.

Lately I’ve found myself reading the most boring of the boring: economic reports and the like. Now, there’s never been any shortage of off-the-mark doomsayers, but, then again, it’s not every day that economic experts get to comparing recent trends to those of the great depression days either. So I’m sitting here wondering what the future holds for us. And, as far as I can recall, never have I felt even remotely pessimistic about my economic future while wasting away my days in this country. And now I am somewhat pessimistic. So, in my mind, something is definitely up. Most likely, excessive corporate greed turned budding economic disaster. Oh, and a relaxing of regulatory oversight. Nice.

And this is exactly why I spend exactly zero time worrying about my retirement investments. Because, in all likelihood, they might not be there for me when I retire anyway. It’s not the finances or the markets that will do them in. It’s the high-finance types in charge of the finances and the markets that will make sophistry of it all while in hot pursuit of more than they need. And what’s rhymes with need?

Being an avid cyclist, I’m kind of uniquely insulated from the rising gasoline prices. But they’ve gotten so high and remained so high for so long that now I’m taking a beating by just dropping by Schiel’s to grab some necessary foodstuffs. I visited the Drudge Report this morning and read that both corn and rice are at previously unthinkable record highs right now, and food shortages in countries known for food shortages are likely to cause riots and further chaos. And since ethanol plants cannot operate in the black with corn prices rising above $6 a bushel, the planned construction of more ethanol plants have been permanently shelved. Yet, there’s both Hillary and Obama telling us they’re going to invest in alternative fuels. Yeah! And hamsters can counter-punch with the best of ‘em.

Name for me a presidential hopeful that didn’t say we’ve got to wean ourselves off of foreign oil, and I’ll show you my autographed picture of George Armstrong Custer. Alternative fuels? I really hate to rain on the liars’ parade, but the sad fact of the matter is that their top priority is assuaging the environmentalists, so the only real affordable alternative fuel available to us is the two legs we were born with. And if you were born ith less than two legs, you really are screwed. Despite the ongoing prevarication, neither Hillary nor Obama nor McCain will do anything to get America weaned off of foreign oil. Not a damn thing. Google ANWAR and there’s your proof.

With developing countries actually developing for the first time, the fight for scant global resources is on. You want a war for oil? Well, I suspect it won’t be very long before we see one. And a big one at that. And if that’s not distressing enough, global security think tanks agree that in the near future we’re likely to see countries going to war over water. Think that’s a stretch? Hell, Georgia is close to warring with it’s neighboring states over dwindling water supplies right here in the US of A.

Alternative fuels? We’ve got the not-in-my-backyard goobers fighting against windmills right here in Northeastern Pennsylvania. Explain that one to me, because I’ve been hearing ever since I was a small boy that we need to embrace wind power. There are those advocating the construction of nuclear power plants, but a bit of required reading tells us that nuke plants will all but siphon our rivers dry. Doesn’t matter though, if we consider that our local congressman is more interested in motor boating than cleaning our river.

It’s become painfully obvious to me that we’re never going to be driving ethanol-fueled cars, beet-powered planes or saw grass-powered lawn mowers. Although, I’m quite certain a hamster-powered record player is within the realm of possibilities. Fabulous Poodles, here I come. Oh, jeez. Those anal-retentive blondes again. Drat!

Check this out, which I snagged from Obama’s campaign Web site:

Deploy Cellulosic Ethanol: Obama will invest federal resources, including tax incentives, cash prizes and government contracts into developing the most promising technologies with the goal of getting the first two billion gallons of cellulosic ethanol into the system by 2013. Expand Locally-Owned Biofuel Refineries: Less than 10 percent of new ethanol production today is from farmer-owned refineries. New ethanol refineries help jumpstart rural economies. Obama will create a number of incentives for local communities to invest in their biofuels refineries.

Excuse me for saying, but that’s total bilge. That’s, how do you say, pleasing to the ear bullsh*t. Not to single him out, since they’re all spewing this worthless verbiage verbatim. I love that part about how ethanol plants will “jumpstart rural economies.” Yeah, right! Try it. Try to get the necessary permits to construct an ethanol plant somewhere near Noxen and watch what happens next. The residents of that area will oppose it with everything they can bring. They’ll write letters to the editors, they’ll call talk radio. they’ll erect signs and they’ll pressure their legislators to nix the thing. Guaranteed. Not in my backyard.

The most promising technologies? Like what? I have yet to hear of anything that is even remotely do-able. Well, that is, unless we’re going to be driving 30-pound cars made out of recycled hair brushes and powered by our self-generated dung heaps. Perhaps we’ll adopt the automotive technology that was so smartly displayed on The Flintstones, but short of that--nobody has a workable alternative energy plan to speak of. It’s all feel good lip service. It’s all electioneering and little more. It’s all bullsh*t.

Then there’s Iraq. All three of our candidates are promising to get us out of Iraq. Some sooner than later, they say. But the stark reality is that not one of them really knows what they’re going to do until they win the election and end up surrounded by advisors and generals telling them exactly where we’re at with this protracted and frightfully expensive nation-building. To be fair, John McCain has spent quite a bit of time in Iraq, so he’s probably more in tune with the realities on the ground than the other two experts on all things Iraq. But Obama’s obvious lack of foreign policy smarts downright scares me. Oh, yeah, he quoted John F. Kennedy and reminded us of the importance of talking to our most hated of enemies. Very cute. And exactly how do you talk to a nameless, faceless and stateless enemy who believes he is carrying out God’s will? How do diffuse fanaticism by offering words?

And to the people who think George W. Bush talks too tough, can you imagine Hillary as the president when the sequel to 9/11 finally comes off? I know her supporters want to sugar-coat her past. But this lady has a brutal and well-documented record of outright savaging those who dare to mess with her. If I were a kook in a cave somewhere plotting an American city’s spectacular demise, I’d think long and hard about the timing. Bush is big on national defense, McCain huffs and puffs much the same way, but Hillary could end up being the hawk of all hawks when provoked. I’m telling you, I would not want to be the next Osama on her watch. Screw that.

Since my wallet is coming up light of late, where are we going on taxes? As far as economic issues are concerned, I think McCain is a lightweight. I do. Then again, have we heard the multitudinous promises of investments coming through the oft-flapping lips of both Hillary and Obama? A complete and sudden withdrawal from Iraq wouldn’t even begin to pay for what these two socialists are out there promising to anyone who will listen. Hillary is going to forgive college loans so long as we join the Peace Corps and go off to some remote village somewhere and risk being bludgeoned to death by the same people we’re there to help. Okaaaaaay.

And Obama? Well, according to his own words, he’s going to invest federal dollars in everything. Literally everything. I listen to his jive on WILK, and he has yet to find anything he’s not ready to invest in. If I yelled “What about model glue?” from the back of the hall, without skipping a beat he’d probably segue right into some promise to invest in alternative model glues. Green paint? Yep, he’s gonna invest in it. Gummy Bears? Oh, yeah. He’s got an investment plan for providing Gummy Bears for the poor. Obama, what about multi-papered paper clips? Every hard-working American should be able to afford multi-papered paper clips. And it’s a travesty that George Bush has denied the poor multi-papered paper clips. Blah, blah, effing-blah. And what about organic Vaseline? And soy bean-based weapons? And how about non-toxic pesticides? Yup. He’s thought of it all and he’s ready to invest. (?)

And then we’ve got this universal healthcare potential nightmare in the making.

“We now face an opportunity — and an obligation — to turn the page on the failed politics of yesterday's health care debates… My plan begins by covering every American. If you already have health insurance, the only thing that will change for you under this plan is the amount of money you will spend on premiums. That will be less. If you are one of the 45 million Americans who don't have health insurance, you will have it after this plan becomes law. No one will be turned away because of a preexisting condition or illness.” — Barack Obama, Speech in Iowa City, IA, May 29, 2007

Here’s Hillary’s promise:

Hillary's American Health Choices Plan covers all Americans and improves health care by lowering costs and improving quality. It speaks to American values, American families, and American jobs. It puts the consumer in the driver's seat by offering more choices and lowering costs. If you're one of the tens of million Americans without coverage or if you don't like the coverage you have, you will have a choice of plans to pick from and that coverage will be affordable. Of course, if you like the plan you have, you can keep it.

McCain’s market-based healthcare plan is so full of holes, you could drive a convoy of suicide bombers right through it. It’s a litany of free-market strategies that are about as vague as Hillary and Obama are generous. With that said, he’s not promising to reinvent the health care wheel, either.

I’ve had health insurance since the day after my girlfriend told me in 1979 that she was pregnant. I’ve had it every step of the way without any lapse in coverage. This, despite changing careers twice. As far as I’m concerned, if you’re able-bodied and you can read and write, you’re a fu>k-up if you don’t have health insurance. If you are a valuable asset to your employer, you can get health insurance. I was a 19-year-old kid who got health insurance. And just a few years later, I was employing other 19-year-old kids who had health insurance. If you can capably cook a burger, you’ve got a better than average chance of getting health insurance. But, America has become the home of the socialists in democrat clothing and the land of the free entitlements. Why earn what you can lobby and beg for?

First of all, I do not believe that either Hillary or Obama are going to just march into session and Voila!…national health care for everyone. And even if they did manage to pull it off, they’ll never pull it off with all of their current promises in place. You know, as selfless uniters and not dividers, they’ve got to haggle. So, as far as I’m concerned, all that these two are offering me is the likelihood that they’ll screw-up what I currently have and what I am currently satisfied with. I continually bust my ball bearings, and for that, my employer takes really good care of me. I am not your average employee who forgets the huge outlays my employer invests in me in addition to my salary. Weird, but true. Management turned grunt. Smarter than your average bear, I suppose.

On the other hand, McCain’s plan (or lack thereof), leaves that which I have earned and that which I am happy with pretty much intact, if not, completely intact. So for me, he wins that one. Yeah, I know that leaves the slackers out of the health care equation. So, to them I say, go and apply at the closest Dennys. Trust me on this one, owning an imported alarm clock isn’t near as bad as the registered democrats always clamoring for free goodies say it is. And neither is earning a day’s pay. And bosses aren’t nearly as demented and evil as the jobless leftists make them out to be. Usually, that is.

Then we’ve got their resumes. First of all, forget the election year attack dog politics. I heard “Duke from Dallas,” NEPA’s premiere republican hater, on WILK the other day rambling on and on about how John McCain was an academic slacker as a young man. And how he used to punch people when he got mad. And worst yet, he was a womanizer. And it was Duke’s opinion that McCain may have even had sex with these women. Oh my god! No! Duke, life need not be a proctologic journey. So pull your fat head out of your ass already.

Let’s see if we’ve got this straight, shall we? When John McCain was but a youth, he was far less than perfect. Oh, the shame. Although, we can’t all be perfect coming out of the womb like Duke was, or how democrats in general think they were. No shortage of deliberately selective memories, hayna?

Hillary’s resume is easy to savage. She was an activist law student who got mixed up with defending heinous criminals all too frequently. So, as we can see, youthful indiscretions are not unique to republicans. She continually touts her record of “35 years of service,“ but nobody really knows what the heck she’s referring to. She did spend 35 years or so trying to preempt “bimbo eruptions,“ but she fell far, far short of that goal. I guess living a lavish life as the first lady of Arkansas and then as the first lady in Washington D.C. is service in her self-serving, ambitious mind. If that’s serving all of mankind somehow, where do I go to sign up for service? Hell, I’ll be the first lady to her husband. I mean, it’s not like he was hitting on her for sex.

Obama admits to being a bit goofy when he was much younger. So kudos to him. He is the product of a mixed marriage, and his father grew up in Kenya. He has a law degree. Let’s see, he was a “community organizer” and he was elected to the Illinois State Senate for the briefest of stays. And from there he made his way to the U.S. Senate in 2004.

Amid the partisanship and bickering of today's public debate, he still believes in the ability to unite people around a politics of purpose - a politics that puts solving the challenges of everyday Americans ahead of partisan calculation and political gain.

Yeah, well good luck with all of that. If and when he gets the top spot, Washington will immediately dispel with the partisan politics and we’ll all live happily ever after. If you’re buying into any of that, you are naïve to the point of being mentally debilitated. Whatever.

Based on his threadbare resume, he seems like a really great candidate for a division/regional manager position with a national company, but not the leader of the still marginally free world. Sorry, but his limitless idealism isn’t going to rub off on the people who play hardball at the uppermost levels. Hope? Change? Yeah, you hope.

And I’m still trying to figure out how his race speech in response to the Rev. Wright fiasco was supposed to be one of the greatest speeches in American history. Any person, black, white or bluish that grew up in public housing and subsisted on the scraps that society provided them already knew what he had to teach us with that speech. Perhaps he was talking to you white folks who think being poor is having the cheapest available satellite package. Or only one $6,000 all terrain vehicle. Or suffering through life with an above ground pool in a gated community. Gee, that must be embarrassing. Got me. There’s a reason why blacks are still bitter, as well as a reason why so many whites feel so embittered. Okay. And one and one is two. Karl Rove has a 666 tattoo just above his right ear. And George W. Bush ate my children. Next subject.

When Hillary was attending protests and other useless hippie gunk like that, McCain had Soviet-built surface-to-air missiles (SAMS) whizzing past his head. And then during his 23rd bombing mission over Vietnam, one of those SAMS found the mark and he spent more than five years as a prisoner of war. And this was after he was injured in a shipboard explosion, and he could have, but opted not to return home. That’s the shortened version.

Forget the torture and the inhumane treatment he received simply because of his last name. Oh, and that he chose to remain in captivity so that some of his fellow aviators could be released. According to the sniveling Dukes of the world, that counts for nothing. Besides, he and his fellow snivelers are itching for some Swiftboat-styled payback, so McCain’s wartime experiences are going to be pooh-poohed all the way to November. Anyway, he retired from the Navy in 1981 and was elected to the House of Representatives in 1982 and then the Senate in 1986.

Without going into any detail, he has a long, long record in Washington D.C., completely unlike his two opponents. So, as the campaign heats up, there will be lots of stuff to dredge up and take issue with. Hillary has far less of a legislative record. And Obama, for all intents and purposes, has none at all. That’s why he seems bullet-proof, as if he’s covered in Teflon. For the moment, there’s nothing to criticize. That’ll likely change.

So, Hillary has “35 years of service,” which amounts to little or nothing. Obama is still wet behind the ears, despite having a solution for damn near everything including how to reach Nirvana by tonight. And McCain is a hardened combat veteran, a former prisoner of war, one feisty, gung-ho sumbitch and he has been a member of both the House and the Senate since 1982.

I heard Kevin Lynn say that McCain has absolutely no chance of winning the November election, and I couldn’t disagree with that wishful-thinking more if I spray-painted it on a synagogue. Never for a second did I think he could win the republican nomination, but he did. And now that he has, he’s not going to go away quietly. It’s not his nature. And I’ll say this, he has been right on Iraq since the war first bogged down. He was the first on his side of the aisle to say the war was being prosecuted incorrectly. And he was the first who had the audacity, the temerity to suggest that we needed in Iraq was more boots on the ground, i.e., a surge. Nobody wanted to hear it, he said it and he was right.

I overreacted when I first heard his “100 years” comment, simply because it sounded eerily similar to what Bush would likely fire off the cuff. He did not mean we should occupy Iraq for 100 years. He simply meant we should have a presence there for 100 years if necessary, a la Korea. And I don’t believe that either Hillary or Obama can just show up and win the election by default. Because McCain has what the other two don’t have: meaningful experience.

I could really care less about abortion or gay rights. Y’all do what you gotta do, and leave me the hell alone. Kill whatever you want. Kiss whatever it is you feel compelled to kiss. Just stop putting it in my face every chance you get. I don’t support you, and I could really care less about what motivates you. One group snuffs out life at it’s inception. And the other cuts life short after it’s inception. What’s to like?

I want less government spending, not more. Significantly less, I might add. I also think it’d be refreshing if the people in Washington took a course or two in ethics, starting with Mr. Cornerstone himself --Paul Kanjorski.

I think the only real problem with education in this country is Washington’s unconstitutional involvement in it. Where is it written that the power should be so centralized?

I got no real beef with illegal aliens so long as they don’t touch any of my stuff. And if they do touch any of my stuff, they’ll get to yearning for the old country right quick, I promise you that. With that said, I want that freaking border turned into a militarized zone, and I want it done right fu>king now!

The environment? You know, the environment will be just fine and dandy if we systematically but incrementally work at improving it. We don’t need to take the entire program and turn it on it’s pointy little head. I have no idea how many times Al Gore got hit in the head when he was a pampered rich kid, but I’m beginning to believe that he suffered plenty of child abuse at the hands of someone or other. Or that he’s simply losing his freaking mind. The freak.

Taxes? Am I not paying enough now? Seriously, is 40% of my hard-earned income not enough for you wasteful losers? Or do you save-the-world leftist nincompoops need even more? I could have never envisioned myself voting for John McCain, but a vote for Hillary or Obama is undeniably a vote to voluntarily forfeit even more of my suddenly dwindling income. And for what? So some able-bodied twenty-something male can continue to drink all night, sleep all day and claim his god-given “right” to healthcare, too? Here’s the scoop: I know it’s very self-centered in this ass-backwards country of ours, but I think I should be allowed to keep some of my income. And if any of you disagree with that, why not admit to being the commie-inspired socialist that you really are. And admit that America doesn’t work for you, and that it needs to be remade into that which you really want--Amerika.

Long story short, if you’re awaiting guidance from me, you’re in a heap of trouble, boy. We have before us three very imperfect candidates. And at this point in time, barring something unforeseen, there is only one that I will not vote for. And for some of the walking brain-dead, that will immediately translate into my being a racist. Idiots all. But as I said before, you don’t hire a trainee with no experience and put him in charge of the entire company. It just doesn’t work that way in the private sector. So why would it work in the public sector? Because the trainee in question is a talented public speaker? Grow some brain matter already!

In all honesty, I can’t wait for Bush to be replaced. He’s made a complete mess of things, although, he’s had plenty of help from those folks howling away on the other side of the political aisle. I can’t wait for Bush to be replaced because I can’t wait to watch these democrats fall flat on their faces and then not have him there to blame everything on anymore. Yep, as the H.M.S. America continues to list badly and the lifeboats are being considered for the very first time, it’ll be refreshing as all hell to hear that some other evil republican was the cause of it all.

But if a democrat claims the White House, well, when New Orleans floods again, it’ll be a natural disaster, and not mean old Bush conspiring to kill innocents. And when the sequel to 9/11 happens, it’ll be a hostile act of aggression and not party operatives setting in place explosives on every floor. And when we go off to the next unavoidable war, the casualties will be the fault of the offending nation, and not the commander in chief. And when that war turns out to be a much tougher slog than previously imagined, that’ll be explained away as being the fluidity that is war, and not the fault of the “chimp.” And when gasoline sets a new, newer high, it’ll be market forces that caused it, and not the president.

Yes sir, it’ll be a nice change of pace to learn that not all that ails the entire planet is the fault of one man. Then again, knowing those democrats, they’ll probably blame everything that develops on his policies from here to the end of time. It sure beats being honest. And pragmatic. And forward-thinking. And competent.

Yeah, while we’re at it, write this one down and magnet it to the side of the refrigerator.

When the Sun first starts imploding and mankind knows the end is certainly at hand, The New York Times’ next-to-last headline will be Cheney told Bush to do it. And Kevin Lynn will tell us how true that is, since, as he always says, if the Times said it, it‘s as good as etched in stone on top of a mountain in the Middle East. And then the hopelessly partisan anonymous bloggers will provide us with links to Dorkipedia proving as much. And they’ll distort pictures of Bush’ daughters, or some other healthy democrat thing. And we’ll all freeze to death huddled in our basements content in the knowledge that Bush did it. Figures.

Guidance? I’m not sure. Did I provide any? Any at all?

By the way, if I somehow failed to piss anyone off with this post of mine, I promise to try much, much harder the next time. You have my commitment. I can and will do better.

Repeat after me…CHEAP…TRICK!!!

I’m thinking “In Color.”

Later