on sale from Bantam books for $16.95!Show 701 Thanksgiving: Night of the Blood Beast MOVIE: A science fiction monster thriller with no thrills attached, featuring possibly the stupidest collection of scientists ever to peer into a microscope. A man comes back from space, impregnated with shrimp, and is stalked by the very same monster Roger Corman used at the end of "Teenage Caveman." Said it before, say it again: Roger Corman just plain sucks. (all movie descriptions from the MST3K Amazing Colossal Episode Guide)
There's also a short film about phones... or something.
HOST SEGMENTS: Prologue: Australian rules football on the SoL!! Segment one: A Thanksgiving party occurs in Deep 13, while Pearl Forrester hits it off with Crow (Art). Oh, and Kitten with a Whip wet on the buffet (looked like Fresh Step). Segment two: Stuffing vs. Potatoes: The debate rages on... Segment 3: Ms. Forrester doesn't get along with the other party-goers and has a heart to heart chat with Art. A drunk Jack Perkins hits on a disgusted Mr. B Natural. Segment 4: Thanksgiving dinner on the SoL, but Crow's missin'... He's in Deep 13. Everyone gives thanks:
Mrs. Forrester-- health, occassional good massage, and her son... well, sorta.
Dr. Forrester-- his mom, his evil-ness, his pending world domination, and his friends who will be leaving IMMEDIATELY after the meal.
Kitten with a Whip-- Well, let's just say, don't eat the chick peas...
Crow-- stuffing instead of potatoes
Pitch-- his new clients, the cast of "Friends," Mike Ovitz, and Pat Buchanan.
Mr. B Natural-- She's most thankful for the spirit of musi--SHUT UP!!!!
Jack Perkins-- Announces his engagement to Mr. B and leaves to "drive the bus."
Segment 5: Crow and Servo investigate mincemeat pie. Ms. Forrester's turkey surprise (cook turkey at 200 deg., let stand for one hour, and rub with a turtle) takes out all the guests except Jack. Forrester kills Perkins. Stinger: ????????
Show 702: The Brute Man MOVIE: A dark film about dark things. Rondo Hatton's swan song; he died just weeks after this film was completed. So murky and dark, it makes "M" look like "Mrs. Doubtfire."
There is a short called "The Chicken of Tommorrow." The title needs no embellishment.
HOST SEGMENTS: Prologue: Tom buys a duplex. Mike warns Tom that he'll be jailed if he persists. Segment 1: Mike pulls something outta Gypsy, Tom's still gabbing about his duplex, Pearl has a date, and Dr. F. is sewing a piglet's head to a fish. Pearl goes out with her boyfriend, Sandy and leaves Art(Crow) in charge. Crow, of course abuses his authority. No one cares. Segment 2: Tom encases himself in an egg to experience the miracle of chicken birth. Mike hatches Tom out prematurely. Paper towels are needed. Segment 3: Mike tries to contact his ex-girlfriend to save them from space. Tom ends the call before Mike gets help, so he can contact his realtor. Segment 4: Crow has way too much fun with Thomas Dewey. Crow learns the pain of overkill, once more. No one cares. Segment 5: Tom closed on his duplex and inherits a load pan of problems. Sandy and Pearl get back. Dr. F. turns Sandy into the chicken of tommorrow. Pearl forgives him... sorta. Stinger: Crotchety old guy bein' extra... well... crotchety.
Show 703: Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell (A.K.A. Deathstalker 3) A painful sword-and-sorcery movie whose only redeeming value is to make the Ator movies look like classics by comparison. Features more crepe hair than a Shriner's circus and the shortest skirt you'll ever see on a man.
HOST SEGMENTS: Prologue: Crow (a.k.a. Estebar) enjoys his more active lifestyle via various implants. "Lookin's for free-- the rest'll cost ya." Segment 1: Mrs. Forrester is sick and Dr. Forrester has the option of supersizing the experiment with potato planks or the meatsa treatserati. Segment 2: Mike's first renaissance festival. See Tom juggle as Mike and Gypsy suck face. The 'bots net 300 skins from poor Mikey. Segment 3: The renaissance festival continues as Mike pays more dough to get spanked and pet the dead camel. Segment 4: Crow (Art) reads to an ailing Pearl, "Love's Sweet Throbbing Gondola." Segment 5: Tom forges a ring of power for Mike as he reads a letter. Forrester poisons himself to escape his pining mother. Stinger: Potato woman describing her diet.
Show 704: The Incredible Melting Man MOVIE: Quite possibly could nose out "Manos" as the worst film we have ever done. A guy comes back from space (sound familiar?) and he melts amid his sensless killing spree. Be sure to enjoy the "horny old couple" gag.
HOST SEGMENTS: Prologue: The SoLers are playing a little hardball. It ends in chaos. Segment One: Mike is bandaged while Clay and Pearl announce that a studio boutght Crow's script, "Earth vs. Soup." Clay and Pearl shepherd the production. Out of the studio's 30 million dollars, Crow gets to use $800 of it, oh, and Kevin Bacon must star. Segment 2: Forrester and Pearl board the SoL to discuss the movie. It costs 45% of Crow's budget and nothing gets done. Mike is convincing as Kevin Bacon. Segment 3: Filming of "Earth vs. Soup" takes place and ends abruptly. Crow spent his budget on a scarf. Segment 4: Preview audiences comment on "Earth vs. Soup." None liked the movie. Segment 5: "Earth vs. Soup is released-- as a trailer. The mads remove Crow from the credits, and Crow flips out. Clay drinks a LOT of water. Pearl plans to vacation on Crow's cash. Stinger: ????????
Show 705: Escape 2000 (A.K.A. Escape From the Bronx) MOVIE: A tired post-apocolyptic, big-city-is-a-war-zone, lowly-plebes-battle-the-evil-overlords kinda film. Sort of a foreigny "City Limits." And you get to see a guy ride a motorcycle through an apartment building. Features a character named Toblerone.
HOST SEGMENTS: Prologue: SoL auction organized by Crow to help "the really sad kids with hurt puppies." Crow loses $312.31. He was gonna spend the money on himself. Segment 1: Crow burns an ant on a pile of oily rags. Chaos ensues. Forrester puts his mom in a home-- a small cardboard playhouse. Chaos ensues. Gypsy saves the SoL. Segment 2: Mike helps Crow relax with biofeedback. It causes explosions on the SoL-- Crow finds it very restorative. Segment 3: It's men's night on the SoL. Crow doesn't quite get it. Segment 4: The SoL's ratings are down, so Forrester fetches a semi-darling kid to bring the ratings up: Timmy Bobby Rusty. It doesn't work and Ms. Forrester doesn't like kids. Segment 5: Mike reads a letter while Tom enters in a helicopter. Toblerone, from the movie, enters and whisks Ms. Forrester away for the time of her life. Clay sums it all up with, "It's been an odd day." Stinger: Toblerone spits and laughs-- it's fun!... well, not really.
Show 706: Laserblast MOVIE: A pathetic androgynous blond kid from the California desert finds a ray-gun left by fat-assed aliens in the sagebrush, is harassed by strangely southern, dope-smoking cops, develops a large hole in his chest, kills Roddy McDowall, and eventually dies himself. Meanwhile, nothing happens. The aliens are the best thing in the film: they're cute. Eddie Deezen rounds out the cast as the hurtful geek.
HOST SEGMENTS: Prologue: Mike's tied up on the SoL (Satellite of Laughs), so that the 'bots can tell their hilarious joke. Segment 1: The 'bots still crack up over their joke while Dr. F. disconnects the Umbilicus, 'cuz he's evil... and his funding was cut. Tom and Gypsy get the SoL working and Pearl loads Dr. F's stuff in her big rig. Segment 2: A monad (not nomad) satellite invades the SoL and threatens to blow up all imperfect ones, but it's just a big crybaby and is teased mercilessly. What fun! Segment 3: The SoL runs aground in a field of Star Babies. With the use of state-of-the-art special FX, Crow and Tom change one of the babies while Mike talks 'em through it. Segment 4: The SoL is headed towards a black hole, and the 'bots panic, but believe Mike will save them, until he emerges dressed as CAPTAIN JANEWAY!! "Sure he's gone completely mental, but look how poised he is..." Mike gives orders which don't do any good and then he goes completely crackers. Segment 5: A happy ending. The SoL reaches the end of the universe where all the good guys: Mike, Crow, Tom, Gypsy, Cambot, and Magic Voice, become pure energy and go out to play at the edge of the universe. Dr. F, meanwhile, grows old and turns into a baby a la' 2001, giving Mrs. Forrester another chance to do it right... Clay sums it all up with an "Oh, Poopie!!" Stinger: Far out...
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