How the Wench Stole Solstice

                      Now most gods- and mortals- liked the Solstice a lot 

                      But the wench who is known as Callisto- 

                      Did NOT 

                      She hated the Solstice, the whole Winter season 

                      Now don't ask me why- no one quite knows the reason 

                      Some said it just that her leathers were too tight 

                      Others said her head wasn't screwed on quite right 

                      But I think that the most likely reason of all 

                      Was the wench's heart- which was three sizes too small 

                      But whatever the reason, her heart or her head 

                      She thought of the revelers and wished them all dead 

                      And the one thought that made her (if possible) feel meaner

                      Was the knowledge that one of those celebrants was Xena.

                      From her lair on Olympus, she stared with a frown

                      As decorations went up in each village and town.

                      "It’s Solstice," she snarled, "they’ve forgotten all care,

                      There’s laughter and good will and joy everywhere!

                      The Jews light menorahs, the Celts light Yule bonfires,

                      The Norse are consulting their Runes ‘round their pyres,

                      The children are barely suppressing their giggles,

                      As, waiting for Senticles, they keep their vigils,

                      The Romans are all preparing for Saturnalia 

                      With food, and with drink, and.. orgy paraphernalia

                      Everywhere there’ll be feasting, and kindness and light

                      Xena and Gabrielle are enjoying this night!

                      They’ll eat succulent meats, they’ll eat tasty fruitcakes

                      That Xena’s sugar-sweet mom always bakes

                      They'll drink Solstice ale drawn from fat well-aged kegs, 

                      Then make love in a jumble of breasts, arms and legs

                      It’s giving me heartburn, to think of it now...

                      I must put an end to their gaiety

                      But HOW?!?!" 

                      But Jett said, "My Patroness what can you do? 

                      "You can't stop the Solstice from coming." "That's true," 

                      The goddess agreed, with grim determination, 

                      "Still I must find a way to stop their celebration." 

                      She sat in a corner, and pondered some more,

                      She puzzed and she puzzed, til her puzzler was sore

                      (The King of Assassins knew which side his bread was buttered on- 

                      And stood back and kept quiet while the mad goddess muttered on) 

                      Then... she had an idea

                      An AWFUL idea

                      The wench had a WONDERFUL awful idea!

                      "My dearest Jett," she purred, "with your expertise,

                      I’ll bring the Warrior Princess to her knees!

                      If you have the recipe, my darlingest dear,

                      Then do give it to me- and make it quite clear-

                      For a poison that can be absorbed through the skin,

                      The sort of thing useful to any good assassin.

                      I’ll take it down to them, I don’t think I’ll need much,

                      And spread some on each gift that theiy're likely to touch!


                      Now, won’t that be a fine Solstice surprise?

                      When everyone Xena gives a loving gift to...


                      Jett had such a recipe, he mixed up the brew-

                      A vile, malodorous, lethal black goo

                      With just a touch of cinnamon to mask the evil scent,

                      Gave a bottle to Callisto, and down to Earth she went.

                      In a barn in Amphipolus, she found in the hay

                      All the presents that Xena had stashed for next day

                      With obsessed precision, she anointed each one

                      Then hid herself so she would not miss the fun.

                      "For," she thought to herself, "it simply won’t do

                      If I’m not here to see the effects of the goo-

                      If I’m not here to witness Xena weeping, boo-hoo."

                      She waited impatiently for day to break

                      But anticipation couldn’t quite keep her awake.

                      She nodded off in the hay, and when she opened her eyes-

                      The presents were gone! Had she missed the surprise?


                      She peered out the door at the lightening sky,

                      And then to her dismay, she DID hear a cry:


                      She was shoved from behind, and she fell with a yelp,

                      And rose to see Xena, the Warrior...


                      Oh shit, she had help!!!

                      For beside her were two Solstice messengers of love,

                      One from the earth, and one from above

                      The big man in red was the kind Senticles

                      And the heaving angry bosom was Aphrodite’s

                      The trio glared at her, and Xena growled "Why? 

                      Why would you try this at Solstice, bitch, why?

                      The one time when all the world TRIES to be at peace..."

                      With an enraged shriek, Callisto jumped up off her scraped knees

                      She grappled with Xena, when, coming from behind,

                      Senticles caught her wrists, and said, "We’re going to be kind,

                      Kinder than you are, for this sacred season

                      Compels us to show mercy.... but that’s the only reason."


                      Aphrodite then spoke, and said "Well now, Miss Thing,

                      I think you need to chill, at least until next spring!

                      Just be happy that WE all felt like playing nice!"

                      And with that, transported Callisto into the ice

                      Of a far away glacier, that would not melt for months.

                      Then ‘Dite said, "Let’s go and celebrate with the rest of our buds!" (Nothing rhymes with month, you know)

                      ‘Dite whisked away the poison, the presents were shared

                      The warrior’s loved ones were touched, that she cared

                      And safe in Cyrene’s tavern, surrounded by friends

                      With her lover and her mom, that where Xena’s Solstice ends!

By Cheryl Clark ©