Xena (ducking and running)
You have one potato on the corner of the street. And you have another potato on another corener of the street. Which one is the prostitute? The one that has a sticker saying “I da ho.”
See, this is why I am not in comedy. :-)
Alex
Q: What do yuo call a sad dog?
A: a Melon Collie! <groan from Kristin>
ok, how about this one?
Q: What do yuo call a Vermonter with his hand up a cow’s ass?
A: Mechanic!
Ares <running for cover>
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Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and
says: “Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the
barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured her bottom. “Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!” She chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, he is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What's wrong?” he asks. She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?” |
Warning: SNORK ALERT!
Please put down all beverages and food and properly dispose of anything you are chewing in the proper manner (sorry, I don't know what everyone is eating when they check their e-mail).Little Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school one day. Basically he knew where they were used and their purpose, but not much more than that. So he decided to go to a local drug store to buy a few in order to learn more about them.
As to not waste too much time, he asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms for sale. The pharmacist replied, "Why yes, we have them three for a dollar."
Johnny replied, "I'll take three."
When the pharmacist tallied the amount the register, the total came to one-dollar and six cents.
Johnny said, "Wait a minute, what's the six cents for? I thought you told me they were three for a dollar."
The pharmacist replied, "That's for the tax on them."
Little Johnny said, "Oohh, I thought they stayed on by themselves."
- Everything I know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.
- Unspeakable ritual and dark sacrifice: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
- Weird Load
- I feel your pain (YUM!)
- I am getting SO tired of slitting the throats of people who say I'm a violent psychopath.
- God was my co-pilot...but we crashed in the Andes, and I had to eat him.
- I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
- If guns are outlawed can we use swords?
- Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
- Witch Wagon: tailgators will be toad.
- Got Blood?
- Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
- Cthulhu saves (in case he gets hungry later)
A farmer had five female pigs and as times were hard, he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. As the farmers lived sixty miles from one another they agreed to meet half-way and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning the farmer with the female pigs got up a 5 am, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they're pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "Tomorrow morning, if they're in the grass grazing, then they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, then they're not." The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so the farmer called the other farmer, hosed his pigs off; loaded them into the family station wagon again and drove off to try again. The following morning, it was mud again !! This continued for a week until one morning the farmer was so tired he couldn't get out of bed. He called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." "Well, neither," yelled his wife. "They're all in the station wagon, and one of them's honking the horn!" A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died. "Well den, jus' give me mah money back." "Can't do that. I went out and spent it already." "OK, den. Jus' unload da donkey." "What ya gonna do with him?" asked the farmer. "I gonna raffle ëem off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure, I can. Watch me. I jes' won tell anybody he dead." said the Cajun. A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that there dead donkey?" "Ah raffle ëem off. I sold fi' hunnert tickets at two dollar apiece and made me da profit o' $998." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Jus' da guy who won...So I give ëem his two dollar back."
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do". One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw 2005.
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. “Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad” A few days later he received a letter from his son. “Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES. Love, Bubba” At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. “Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Bubba.”
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