• Lesbian dates
• Prison attack horror
• Violent temper tantrums
  

A 19-year-old woman  with a bottle of vodka in her shirt  ripped  off
Santa Claus's beard outside an Indiana Pacers basketball game. . . .

Firemen rescued a farmer buried up to his neck in a grain bin  in Clay
County. . . .

Greenwood would become the state's sixth largest city in a proposed
merger with an adjacent township.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Two men pleaded guilty to killing more than 100 bats in Laurel Cave.

                                                                                 [courtesy AP]

"What do you do there, just sit around at your desks doing suh-DOO-ko?"

                – Jeanetta to her boss as he headed off to a "continuing education" seminar

Karla Bonoff, 57
Tracy Nelson, 62 (no, not Ricky Nelson's daughter)
Jorma Kaukonen, 69
Jesus of Nazareth, 2,013 (or thereabout)

Allstate Sugar Bowl
CitiRose Bowl
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
FedEx Orange Bowl
Tangerine Bowl
Capital One Ourhouse.com CompUSA Florida Citrus Bowl
Brut John Hancock Wells Fargo Vitalis Norwest Sun Bowl
AT&T Mobil Southwestern Bell Cotton Bowl
Konica Minolta Toyota Mazda Gator Bowl
AutoZone AXA Liberty Bowl
Chik-fil-A Peach Bowl
AdvoCare Poulan Weed-Eater Sanford MainStay PetroSun Independence Bowl
Outback Steakhouse Bowl
Pacific Life Culligan Plymouth Sea World Holiday Bowl
Insight Bowl
Weiser Lock Copper Bowl
Carquest Bowl
Champs Sports Bowl
MicronPC Bowl
Blockbuster Bowl
MAACO Bowl
California Raisin Bowl
Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl
Valero Builders Square Sylvania MasterCard Alamo Bowl
Little Caesar's Pizza Motor City Bowl
Papa John's Birmingham Bowl
GMAC Alabama Bowl
Roady's Truck Stops Humanitarian Bowl
Gaylord Hotels Bridgestone American General Music City Bowl
galleryfurniture.com Texas Bowl
R+L Carriers Wyndham New Orleans Bowl
Emerald Nuts Diamond Walnut San Francisco Bowl
Sheraton ConAgra Foods Descendant of Poi Pineapple Aloha Hawaii Bowl
Meineke Car Care Continental Tire Queen City Bowl
Bell Helicopter Plains Capital Alltel Wireless Armed Forces Bowl
San Diego County Credit Poinsettia Bowl
EagleBank Congressional Bowl
Beef 'O' Brady's magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl
New Mexico Bowl
International Bowl
Hula Bowl
Aztec Bowl
Senior Bowl
HBCU Senior Bowl
East Coast Bowl
Prestone Antifreeze Bowl
Air Wick Bowl
Cereal Bowl
Mixing Bowl
Dust Bowl
Toilet Bowl
Hollywood Bowl
Egyptian Cotton Sheets Weevil Boll

Two brothers, aged 38 and 32, drowned trying to rescue a dog that fell through the ice in Big Lake in Shasta County, California (the dog and a third brother survived). . . . British lawyers were selling,  as holiday gifts,  vouchers good for one hour of divorce advice. . . . A Chinaman was attacked by monkeys he'd trained in martial arts to entertain shoppers. . . . Political science Profes- sor Shauna Wilton, of Alberta University, found the Thomas the Tank Engine cartoons conservative, classist and sexist. . . . Mia- mi cabbie  Lelis  Almeira  drove a fare 20 hours and a thousand miles to Memphis,  and got stiffed. . . . A Boston woman called 911  to say she couldn't get her 14-year-old son to stop playing video games and go to sleep  (two  policemen  arrived  and told the boy to mind his mother). .  .  .  A woman in Kerrville, Texas, called 911 to complain that her husband would not eat his dinner (she was arrested). . . . A dog caught the swine flu in New York City. . . .  A dust storm triggered a series of collisions on I-10 in Arizona involving 20 vehicles, killing 3 persons. .  .  . A 28-year- old priest in Columbia,  South  Carolina,  won $100,000 for his parish in the PokerStars.net Million Dollar Challenge.  .  .  . The balloon boy's mother and father got 20 and 90 days  in  jail,  re- spectively. . . .Archaeologists found the ruins of the home of Je- sus' childhood neighbors in Nazareth.  .  .  . The Britney Spears web site listed the top 75  "BS"  (as in "bulls#!t" – their spelling, not ours) reports on Ms. BS in 2009 ("I don't eat squirrel," she says, in regard to No. 56). . . . A grade school teacher was ar- rested for DUI in East Fort Myers, Florida, after going through a roadblock, urinating on the curb, and telling the cops she was the designated driver (although no one else was in the car).

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett

Patricia M. wrote Sun 13 Dec 2009 @14:03:40 PST:

You ok? I didn't receive the tabloid news today.

The Richardses wrote Sun 13 Dec 2009 16:27:23 CST:

Are you alright?   Not sick are you?   No deaths in the family I hope.
Then where in the HELL is my weekly issue of Tabloid Headlines at.
Please respond immediately. If not able, blink once for yes and twice
for no.  Disgruntled Reader.

STEPHEN YATES wrote Sun 13 Dec 2009 @11:49:27 CST:

I need these fucking Tabloid Headlines in my life.  I did not receive any
in the email today. I have been working two jobs the past week-and-a-
half and today is my first chance to unwind. I am looking forward to the
news this week. Or maybe another tasty beer commercial from the past.

We got several telephone calls, too. Thanks to all for your concern. Last week's
Tabloid Headlines were retransmitted Tuesday, December 15, after our hotel in
Illinois failed to "provide" internet "service"; and we hope you have them now. If
not, you can read them on line.   – Editor


fgdean@aol.com wrote Tues 15 Dec 2009 @18:16:32 PST re Pablo Nicolás
Urdangarín y de Borbón, 9, in last week's birthdays:

That's a pretty long name for someone at that tender age.  Just who is this
tyke?

"Don't ask us anything you can Google."   – Ed.


Terry Crow wrote Thurs 17 Dec 2009 @18:53:47 PST:

Which merit badge was the Illinois boy scout working on with his scout-
mistress?

Governor Daniels suggested that Gary merge with other local gov-
ernments, to become more efficient and reduce costs.   (But,  like,
Hammond wants no part of Gary.  East Chicago wants no part of
Gary.  Whiting  wants no part of Gary.  Indiana  Harbor  wants no
part of Gary.   How 'bout  –  Rising Sun!)

                                                        [courtesy Associated Press]

Puzzle answer:  The people of Cerulean, Kentucky, call their town
        "surreal-yun."

The contest winner is, as usual, Jeanetta Girard,  who took the trou-
ble to call the town clerk  of  Cerulean  to ask for the pronunciation.
Hear Jeanetta.  Jeanetta is disqualified from claiming the prize, how-
ever - she works for Tabloid Headlines (and she used our telephone
to make the call.)

Steve Yates got it right, too; but he cheated:  He's been to Cerulean.

A man waiting in a teller line in a bank in Joliet texted his girl friend,
waiting in the car outside,  saying a man with a gun was in the bank.
The woman – not realizing, perhaps, that it was her boy friend who
had the gun and was "J/K" –  called 911 to report a bank robbery;
and the jig was up.
                                                              [courtesy NBC Chicago]

"There's one of them!"
                                    – Carroll Green

The North Face Apparel Corp. filed a "cease and desist" law-
suit against a start-up calling itself  The South Butt. .  .  .  Den-
mark spent $122 million to ensure that climate conference del-
egates in Copenhagen would not be forced to interact with the
public. . . .  CBS canceled As the World Turns. . . . The Mur-
der Mystery Dinner Train ran over a man lying on the tracks in
Lee County, Florida  (he  dead). . . . A woman in Washington,
England,  is awaiting sentencing for excessive screaming during
sex with her husband  (neighbors and passersby had complain-
ed). . . .  A 13-year-old boy in Hayward,  California,  ran up a
$22,000  bill  for a month on his cell phone  (downloading  1½
gigabytes of data, billed by the megabyte).  .  .  .  A woman lay
dead in her bed for  eight  months  in  her  home  in Wilmington,
North  Carolina,  where  four  other  persons  lived,  while care-
takers came and went daily. . . .  A high school music director in
Phoenix was suspended for taking her choir to lunch at Hooter's.
. . . A 4-year-old boy drinking a beer entered a neighbor's house
in Chattanooga, Tennessee, after midnight; stole Christmas pres-
ents from under the tree,  including  a girl's dress,  and  wore  the
dress as he continued to prowl the neighborhood. . . . The prosti-
tute who brought down New York Governor Eliot Spitzer,  Ash-
ley Dupre, was hired by the New York Post as an advice colum-
nist.  .  .  .  A Julius La Rosa record checked out in 1962 was re-
turned to the public library in East Peoria, Illinois.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 6 Dec 2009 @10:32:39 PST re the golf club
Tiger Woods' wife used:

I'm thinking that a lob wedge (60 degree close range wedge with broad
base) would have been an appropriate club for the purpose it was used.

Excellent thought, but it begs the question of the purpose.  Was the purpose to
free Tiger from the SUV, or to beat the shit out of him?  – Ed.


Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 29 Nov 2009 @18:03:40 CST:

As a loyal follower of your "Buzz words that need a nap,"  I suggest an-
other category:  "Business names that go bump,"  to wit  –

Business names that incorporate  "World"  –  e.g.: Antiques World, Lin-
gerie World, Bedding World, Hardware World, Shoppers World, Junk
(sometimes "Junque") World.

Also business names that end in "and More"  –  e.g.: Bath, Lamps, and
More; Crazy John's Furniture and More; Flowers, Gifts, and More.

Business name spotted in some tiny burg in Arkansas:   A beauty shop
called "Curl Up and Dye."

Publius Leget wrote Sun 6 Dec 2009 @19:18:22 CST:

So, who was the "Shawn Cory Carter, 40" in last week's birthdays?

Better known, perhaps, as "Jay-Z."  – Ed.

The George Rogers Clark National Historial Park in Vincennes aban-
doned the $3 fee you used to have to pay to see a  bronze  statue  of
the 18th century military hero in the rotunda.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

2.7.1⁹ – gasoline price sign in Columbus.

                                                   [contributed by the roving editor]

An 11 p.m. curfew was imposed on the fire station in the eastern Kentucky
town of Raceland to prevent teen-age loitering after hours. It applies also to
firemen, who are pissed off. . . .

A doctor was shot and killed at his clinic in Cornettsville,  in  Perry County,
by a patient who had been denied a prescription for narcotics.

                                                                                           [courtesy AP]

It's another Tabloid Headlines pronunciation contest!  How do you say
"Cerulean,"   the name of a town in northeastern Trigg County,   in western
Kentucky?

a.  "sir-RULE-yun"?
b.  "seh-RRRÜ-lé-AHNH"  [uvular R (not rolled), nasal A – very French]
c.  "Sarah Lean"
d.  other

E-mail us your answer on an MP3,  or telephone it to our "voice mail"  (we want
to  hear  from  you!).   Winner gets a free lifetime subscription to Tabloid Head-
lines.

"You can only stick so many short sticks into hornets' nests at one time."

                                                                                                            – General David Petraeus (he actu-
                                                                                                                ally said that; listen to this mp3)

"They constantly reinvented itself."
                                                        – author Kara Swisher,   speaking of AOL, "the cock-
                                                           roach of the internet,"  about which she has written
                                                           two books (she actually said that; listen to this mp3)

Pablo Nicolás Urdangarín y de Borbón, 9
Brenda Lee, 65
Kirk Douglas, 93

A crash of two semis in the fog triggered a 33-vehicle pileup  on
I-5  in  Lodi,  California  (O, Lord!  Stuck again!) – 16 persons
were injured. .  .  . More than 30 hunters were stranded in snow
in Arizona. . . .  A 57-year-old man was arrested for dialing 911
47 times in the last year from his home in Murfreesboro, Tennes-
see ("I was just drunk," he explained). . . . A toy mouse made in
China was recalled  for  singing  "Pedophile!"  instead  of  "Jingle
Bells!"  (you can listen to it). . . . Uganda, visited by U.S. Christ-
ian evangelists who held a seminar in Kampala,  was considering
a  bill  that would make life in prison a minimum sentence for gay
sex. . . . Psychologists concluded that social internet profiles cap-
ture people's true personalities, "either because people aren't try-
ing to look good or because they are trying and failing."  .  .  .  A
student  who  fired  a  high-powered  rifle  at a math teacher in a
classroom at a community college in Woodbridge, Virginia,  was
charged with discharging a firearm in a school zone. ... A brown
calf was born near Sterling,  Connecticut,  with a white cross on
its forehead  (holy cow?  Nah – it's a boy). .  .  . A 10-year-old
boy on his way to school in Boise, Idaho,  got his tongue frozen
stuck to a metal fence pole. . . .  A man dressed as Santa Claus
was arrested in Cleveland,Ohio, for trying to abduct a 12-year-
old girl on her way to school. . . .  A worker was trapped for 4
hours in a collapsing cesspool on Long Island.  .  .  . Baseball's
Boston Red Sox now have two pitchers named Ramon Ramir-
ez  (and both are right-handers). . . . Two female teachers were
suspended after being found naked in a classroom  and  a  third
was suspended for getting "too personal" with a male student at
Brooklyn's James Madison High School,  which the New York
Daily News was calling "Horndog High."  . . .  The parents of a
15-year-old  boy  found  him  fucking  his  39-year-old  female
scoutmaster – er,  uh,  scoutmistress – in his bedroom in Belle-
ville, Illinois.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun, 29 Nov 2009 @10:01:47 PST:

The next time I see Brad, I will ask him if he knows about "Angelina's
kids running wild" (having dinner at midnight, and so forth).

An SUV being chased by police crashed into a day care center on In-
dianapolis' north side, injuring four children and a teacher. . . .

Snowball, the dancing cockatoo on Youtube, was soliticing funds for
his owners' bird sanctuary in Schererville.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

This is the 5½-foot chicken statue that PETA wants to erect at 4th and Broadway in Louisville (see July 5 issue of Tabloid Headlines). – Courier-Journal photo

A photograph not taken at Western Kentucky University in Bowling
Green:   Professors and students smoking outside the College of Be-
havioral Sciences building.
                                                        [Tabloid Headlines exclusive]

"I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves."
                                                                                                                 – Tiger Woods

"I would probably need to apologize to her and hope she uses a driver
 next time instead of a 3-iron."
                                                   – Jesper Parnevik, the golfer who introduced
                                                      Tiger Woods to the woman Woods married

Why have the media not reported which golf club Tiger Woods' wife used to
beat out the back window of his crashed SUV to allow his escape?    Jesper
Parnevik's remark (above) is the only clue we have.  Was  it  a  3-iron?   Or
was  it:

• a driver?  That would make sense:  It's the only automotive club in the bag (unless you count a st-stutterer's putt-putter).
• a brassie?  The choice of strong women everywhere.
• a spoon?  Suitable for long shots, and for digging out of trouble.
• a mashie?  One of the strongest clubs in the bag, and maybe the most suitable for breaking strong glass.
• a niblick?  Nah – let's not go there.
• a pitching wedge?  That might be a golfer's wife's antidote – to get a wedge between the guy pitching woo and his mistress.
• a sand wedge?  Not likely; they don't live on a beach.
  
• a putter (no stutter)?  What would be more appropriate for putting one's husband in his place?
• the "club whose name we never mention" (i.e., the 4-wood)?  That would explain the news vacuum – and it's a club that's popular with women.

Readers' suggestions welcome.

Lucy Liu, 41
Little Richard, 77
Dick Clark, 80
Julie Harris, 84
Efrem Zimbalist Jr., 91
Britney Spears, 28
Shawn Cory Carter, 40

A survey found that 10 per cent of Americans under 35 had
moved back in with their parents. .  .  . A woman in Quebec
on paid leave for depression lost her benefits after photos of
her having fun were found on her Facebook page. . . .Leeds
University,  in England,  advertised a post for lap dancing re-
search. . . .A crowd on a street in Sydney watched a couple
making love in a clock tower. . . .  Fifteen firefighters sent to
a home in Axedale, Victoria,  to find a gas leak found only a
flatulent sow.  .  .  . Six thousand thirsty wild camels overran
the town of Docker River in Australia's Northwest Terrirtor-
y. . . . Zookeepers in Chongqing, China, found that their five
white tigers were so  domesticated  they were scared by the
live chickens they were meant to eat. . . .Ten middle school-
ers in Naples, Florida,  were  suspended  for participating in
Kick a Jew Day. . . .  A 3-foot pet king snake that swallow-
ed its own tail in West Sussex, England,  was rescued in sur-
gery. . . . Provincial legislators threw chairs at one another in
Chaco,  Argentina. . . . A woman in Glendale, Arizona, saw
the Virgin Mary on a pancake; a woman in Methuen, Mass-
achusetts,  saw Jesus on her iron,  and a couple in Burleson,
Texas, saw a cross on a chicken egg. . . . An arrest warrant
was issued in St. Paul, Minnesota,  for Gail Gagne, 25, high
school gym coach  and daughter and granddaughter of pro-
fessional wrestlers,  for sexual abuse  of a 16-year-old boy.
.  .  . Brenda Sue Rawls, a 50-year-old teacher in Portland,
Tennessee  – with help from a 7th grade pupil –  vandalized
another teacher's desk, three lockers and a refrigerator with
condoms, sardine juice and a lubricant  (is that not graphic
enough?  Wowp!  Use your imagination).

DISCUSSION GROUP:       Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns- ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers lined up for meetings in the near future include Elin Nordegren (Ti- ger Woods' wife),  Rachel  Uchitel  (his alleged mistress),  Jaimee Grubbs  (his proclaimed mistress),  Gail  Gagne,  and Brenda Sue Rawls.