January 30, 2022:  Things you would never know if you did not
      browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife  at the coun-
      ter in the supermarket –“ this week's headlines
:


hed22025.jpg Country legend, 88, passes $25 million to kids, Willie Nelson's brave good-bye, his saddest day & only regret, his torrie, turbulent love life, why he's passionate about pot (Examiner); Harry & Meghan going broke, no private jets, no parties, $480,000 credit card debt (Star); Holly Madisonh & Kendra Wilkinson, Our Playboy Mansion Hell (OK); Parents, Ozzie & Harriet, controlled him, Ricky Nelson: the rise & fall of a teen idol, the untold story of the all-American boy whose real life was plagued by tragedy (Closer); Prince Andrew teen rape alibi destroyed (Globe); Sean Hannnity tellsJan.6 panel that swearing to tell truth would violate his contract w/Fox (Borowitz); 9-year-old boy teased about having a crush angrily rejoins that he is incapable of love (Onion); BADASS WOMEN (In Style)
hed22025.jpg Country legend, 88, passes $25 million to kids, Willie Nelson's brave good-bye, his saddest day & only regret, his torrie, turbulent love life, why he's passionate about pot (Examiner); Harry & Meghan going broke, no private jets, no parties, $480,000 credit card debt (Star); Holly Madisonh & Kendra Wilkinson, Our Playboy Mansion Hell (OK); Parents, Ozzie & Harriet, controlled him, Ricky Nelson:
the rise & fall of a teen idol, the untold story of the all-American boy whose real life was plagued by tragedy (Closer); Prince Andrew teen rape alibi destroyed (Globe); Sean Hannnity tellsJan.6 panel that swearing to tell truth would violate his contract w/Fox (Borowitz); 9-year-old boy teased about having a crush angrily rejoins that he is incapable of love (Onion); BADASS WOMEN (In Style)

hed220152.jpg


LETTERS to the EDITOR
:
Malachi wrote Sun 1/23/22 @08:00 CST:
Why don't you include comedians in your  tabloid  deadlines?
You didn't include Louie Anderson  this  week;  you didn't in-
clude Bob Saget last week; and you didn't include Norm Mac-
donald in September when he died.    These were all pretty fa-
mous people.

It's too sad when comedians die.  But I'll let our roving reporter ed-
it them in from now on.    – Editor


Dumb news from Indiana
:
Tested positive, 1,607,951; died, 21,301.
                                                                 [courtesy N.Y. Times]

CANDLES Holocaust Museum and Education Center in Terre
Haute is offering scholarships for  travel  to  Poland  to experi-
ence the story of the Holocaust.
                                                        [courtesy Terre Haute Star]
warrenry.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Warren Ryan, BM, 5'7", 160 lbs, felon w/handgun; Carlton Collins, BM, 5'8", 155 lbs, freckles or pox, robbery; Josiah Salinas, HM, 5'6", 130 lbs, probation viol. (weapons); Terrence Mcelvene, BM, 5'6:, 210 lbs,domesticbattery; Willie Neal, BM, 5'8", 175 lbs,coke
warrenry.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Warren Ryan, BM, 5'7", 160 lbs, felon w/handgun; Carlton Collins, BM, 5'8", 155 lbs, freckles or pox, robbery; Josiah Salinas, HM, 5'6", 130 lbs, probation viol. (weapons); Terrence Mcelvene, BM, 5'6:, 210 lbs,domesticbattery; Willie Neal, BM, 5'8", 175 lbs,coke
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Tested positive, 1,152,288; died, 12,905.
                                                                        [courtesy N.Y. Times]

John Hawkins III,   of Harrodsburg,  was charged with stealing 100
pairs of women's bras and underpants from Franklin County homes.

  
               
                                                              [courtesy LEX18]


Insomnia  Cookies,  a  late-at-night  bakery  founded  in a dormitory
room by a University of Pennsylvania student, set up a new location
in downtown Bowling Green.
                                                                         [courtesy WBKO-TV]

kylv1221.jpg
hockerch.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Christopher Hocker, BM, 29, 5' 11", 190 lbs, burglary (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
hockerch.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Christopher Hocker, BM, 29, 5' 11", 190 lbs, burglary (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)

Quotations of the week
:
                                        "There were a ton of people rooting against us."
                                                                                                                            Aaron Rodgers
        "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators dead."
                                                                                                                                – Johnny Carson
        "I was a commercial fisherman, but I missed the boat and dis-
         covered I couldn't tackle the job and live on my net income."
                                                                                                               – Richard Lederer

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"I like my bitches sassy, saucy and a little bit bossy."
 

                                                                       – Leonard Simon
Birthdays:
                   January 24:  Neil Diamond, 81
                                        Ray Stevens, 83
                                        Doug Kershaw, 86
                                        Sharon Tate (1943-1969)
                   January 25:  Alicia Keys, 41
                                        Jamesetta Hawkins ("Etta James," 1938-2002)
                   January 26:  Wayne Gretzky, 61
                                        Ellen DeGeneres, 64
                                        Angela Davis, 78
                                        Bob Uecker, 88
                                        Huey "Piano" Smith, 88
                   January 27: 
Margo Timmins, 61
                                        Bobby "Blue" Bland (1930-2013)
                  
January 28:  Sarah McLachlan, 54
                                        Alan Alda, 86
                                        Mr. Acker Bilk (1929-2014)
                   January 29:  Oprah Winfrey, 68
                                        Tom Selleck, 77
                                        Germaine Greer, 83
                    January 30:  Diva Zappa, 43
                                         Dick Cheney, 81
                                         Eleanor Smeal, 83
                                         Vanessa Redgrave, 85
                                         Gene Hackman, 92
                                         Mary Kay Letourneau (1962-2020)
Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Barry Cyber, 86

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                               7D:  "There's one in 'beleive'."
                     Answer:  ERROR                                                                       
[L.A. Times 1/17/22]

turnbull.jpg Arrested in Abilene: Jonathan Manuel Turnbull,BM, 31, 5'5", 200 lbs, aggrav. robbery; Joel Flores, BM, 21, 5'10", 155 lbs, injury to a child; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Tex.): Christina Ann Jones, HF, 22, 5'4", 140 lbs, tattoos neck,chest, by right eye, opiates; Maajeeda Aisha Williams,BF, 46, 6', 150 lbs, criminal threat, damage (Abilene Crime Stoppers, Sedgwick County (Kans.) Sheriff)
turnbull.jpg Arrested in Abilene: Jonathan Manuel Turnbull,BM, 31, 5'5", 200 lbs, aggrav. robbery; Joel Flores, BM, 21, 5'10", 155 lbs, injury to a child; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Tex.): Christina Ann Jones, HF, 22, 5'4", 140 lbs, tattoos neck,chest, by right eye, opiates; Maajeeda Aisha Williams,BF, 46, 6', 150 lbs, criminal threat, damage (Abilene Crime Stoppers, Sedgwick County (Kans.) Sheriff)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
Sarah Palin tested positive. . . .  Elton John tested positive. . . .  The pastor
of a megachurch in Tulsa, Oklahoma,  apologized for rubbing his spit into
the face of a parishioner (his brother), saying "
Receiving vision from God
might get nasty."
. . . Czech folk singer Hanka Horka,  57,  died after inten-
tionally exposing herself to Covid-19. . . .  Governor  Jim  Justice  of West
Virginia told Bette Midler to kiss his dog's ass – and held it up to show her
– after she called his state's citizens "poor, illiterate and strung out"  in pro-
test against Senator Joe Manchin. . . .
                                                                    
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

helmag.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas,Sheriff): Justin Thorne, 28, ctl. subst.; Destiny Delarosa, 23, DWOL; Yolanda Saldana, 33, mobery; Katarina Casco, 33, DUI; Esperanza Perez-Concepcion, 26, ICE; Maria Del Carmen Aimerich-Reyes, ICE; Alicia Hernandez, 33, DUI; Jeff Byler, 22, Evading with seapon
helmag.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas,Sheriff): Justin Thorne, 28, ctl. subst.; Destiny Delarosa, 23, DWOL; Yolanda Saldana, 33, mobery; Katarina Casco, 33, DUI; Esperanza Perez-Concepcion, 26, ICE; Maria Del Carmen Aimerich-Reyes, ICE; Alicia Hernandez, 33, DUI; Jeff Byler, 22, Evading with seapon
Dear Eleanor:
                             Thirty years ago my husband had a long-term affair.   He was
                             30,  and his girl friend was 16.  He planned to  leave  me  and
                             our two young children,  but he changed his mind and suppos-
                             edly broke off the affair.  Last year I found out he had a daugh-
                             ter by this girl, and the daughter is now 17.

                            Four months ago I came home from a short trip to discover he
                            had moved out because he wants to spend more time with this
                            daughter.    I told him I would welcome the girl into our family,
                            but he said he no longer wants to be married.  He refuses to let
                            me meet his daughter, who now lives with him in his new home.
                            Our own children want nothing to do with him,   and he doesn't
                            understand why.

                            He still stops by for breakfast and coffee most mornings.  and
                            often comes over for lunch or in the evening to visit.  Do  you
                            think he will eventually come back to me,  or should I tell him
                            to get lost?
                                                                                                                  Frazzled

Dear Fraz:

                      No, and yes.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectu-
al dissection of important current events are invi-
ted to attend the  Weekly World News Round Ta-
ble at the offices of Borf  Books outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every  Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the  near
future include Aaron Rodgers.
rodgersa.jpg

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      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
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cial filter to detect that.)


lifebcat.jpg I meant to behave but there were too many other options Life Saver Dude: Now there's one cool cat
lifebcat.jpg I meant to behave but there were too many other options Life Saver Dude: Now there's one cool cat

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


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Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 23, 2022:  Things you would never know if you did not
      browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife  at the coun-
      ter in the supermarket –“ this week's headlines
:


hed22014.jpg BETTY! Her secrets to living in joy as she turns 100 (curiosity Woman's World); Americas' Golden Girl, Betty White at 100 (curiosity People Commemorative Edition); Betty White 1922-2021, Final 5 days! (In Touch); 12 stars who are going to space: Angelina Jolie, Lady Gag-a, . . . (Examiner); Meghan testifying against Andrew (Globe); Kate's 40th birthday ruined, Prince William's affair scandal explodes (In Touch)
hed22014.jpg BETTY! Her secrets to living in joy as she turns 100 (curiosity Woman's World); Americas' Golden Girl, Betty White at 100 (curiosity People Commemorative Edition); Betty White 1922-2021, Final 5 days! (In Touch); 12 stars who are going to space: Angelina Jolie, Lady Gag-a, . . . (Examiner); Meghan testifying against Andrew (Globe); Kate's 40th birthday ruined, Prince William's affair scandal explodes (In Touch)

hed220141.jpg Kate's 40th birthday ruined, Prince
              William's affair scandal explodes (IT)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Jonell Kerr wrote Sun 1/16/22 @14:02 EST:
Exactly what was he resisting?   It does-
n’t appear that he's missed out on much.
"Law enforcement," it said.    – Editor

J. Ewing wrote Sun 1/16/22 @22:27 EST:
I think you may have to  come up with a
new category for your mug shots some-
thing  like  "criminal with the most color-
ful/interesting hairdo."


Bobby Armstrong,
BM, 6', 150 lbs.:
Resisting

bobbyarm.jpg

Dumb news from Indiana:
Tested positive, 1,528,366; died, 20,751.
                                                                  [courtesy N.Y. Times]

A man driving a motorized  street sweeper,  running into other
vehicles and chased for an hour by
police in Richmond, finally
was sought on an arrest warrant issued six weeks later.


                                         [courtesy Richmond Palladium-Item]
malachai.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Malicha Causey, BM, a/k/a Malachi Ceusay, 5'10", 150 lbs, stalking; Davontae Williams, BM, a/k/a William Devoté, 5'10", 175 lbs,dom. battery; Derrick Jiggetts, BM, a/k/a Jigaboo, 6'2", 180 lbs, domestic battery; Anthony Harris, BM, a/k/a Hairless Tony, 6', 270 lbs, domestic battery, coke, mj
malachai.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Malicha Causey, BM, a/k/a Malachi Ceusay, 5'10", 150 lbs, stalking; Davontae Williams, BM, a/k/a William Devoté, 5'10", 175 lbs,dom. battery; Derrick Jiggetts, BM, a/k/a Jigaboo, 6'2", 180 lbs, domestic battery; Anthony Harris, BM, a/k/a Hairless Tony, 6', 270 lbs, domestic battery, coke, mj
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Tested positive, 1,067,360; died, 12,719.
                                                                        [courtesy N.Y. Times]

The sign overhanging the Main Street sidewalk at the Bank of Ed-
mon County in Brownsville read,  "Years in business,"  then flash-
ed "96,"  then flashed "Times bought and sold,"  and finally flash-
ed "0."
                                                          [a Tabloid Headlines special]

The  Lexington  Humane  Society  celebrated Betty White's 100th
birthday.
 
               
                                                              [courtesy LEX18]


   
tyreewil.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Tyree Williams, BM, 24, 5'8", 165 lbs, absconding parole (burglary) (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)  tharpbil.jpg Arrested in Boyle County: Billy Tharp, DUI, meth, endangerment, evading (LEX18)
tyreewil.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Tyree Williams, BM, 24, 5'8", 165 lbs, absconding parole (burglary) (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers); tharpbil.jpg Arrested in Boyle County: Billy Tharp, DUI, meth, endangerment, evading (LEX18)
Quotations of the week:
                                              "I became a Velcro salesman but I couldn't stick with it."
                                                                                                                                      – Richard Lederer
        "I always thought that the saddest feeling in life is when you're dancing in
          a really joyful way and then you hit your head on something."
                                                                                                                – Lena Dunham
Quotation of the weak:
                                        "African-American voters are voting in just as high
                                          a percentage as Americans."

                                                                                            – Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"Asking freckle-faced humans to vote for an ID is at its
  roots racist."
 
                                                              – Leonard Simon
Birthdays:
                   January 17:  Michelle Obama, 58
                                        Steve Earle, 67
                                        Ezekiel Montanez ("Chris Montez"), 79
                                        Betty White (1922-2021)
                    January 18:  Bobby Goldsboro, 81
                    January 19:  Pete Butttigieg, 40
                                        Dolly Parton, 76
                                        Janis Joplin (1943-1970)
                    January 20:  Bill Maher, 66
                                        Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin Jr., 92

                    January 21:  Emma Lee "Baby Spice" Bunton, 46
                                        Placido Domingo, 81
                                        Jack Nicklaus, 82

                    January 22:  Jim Jarmusch, 69
                                        Piper Laurie, 90
                                        Ivan the Great (1444-1505)
                    January 23:  Hakeem Olajuwon, 59
                                        Chita Rivera, 89

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Thelma Sutcliffe, 115
                                Bob Goalby, 92
                                Yvette Mimieux, 80
                                Marvin Lee Aday ("Meat Loaf," 74)

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                            115A:  "Marine mammal in the air?"
    Answer: AHIGHERPORPOISE                                                                    [L.A. Times 12/5/21]

dreyawnd.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls,
        Texas): Richard Allen Kepner, WM, 54, 5'5", 150 lbs,
        tattoos on hads, neck, shoulders, arms & back, weapons &
        opiates; Dreyawn Devin Morton, BM, 27, 5'9", 240 lbs,
        burglary, theft; Phillip Andrew Davis, WM, 35, 5'5", 145
        lbs, crossed eyes, battery of Leo [sic]; Arrested in Abilene
        (Texas, not Kansas): Rodaesia Winter Hines, BF, 19, 5'6",
        180 lbs (Yorkshire hog), murder & robbery (Sedgwick County,
        Kans., Sheriff, Abilene Crime Stoppers)
dreyawnd.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Richard Allen Kepner, WM, 54, 5'5", 150 lbs, tattoos on hads, neck, shoulders, arms & back, weapons & opiates; Dreyawn Devin Morton, BM, 27, 5'9", 240 lbs, burglary, theft; Phillip Andrew Davis, WM, 35, 5'5", 145 lbs, crossed eyes, battery of Leo [sic]; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Rodaesia Winter Hines, BF, 19, 5'6", 180 lbs (Yorkshire hog), murder & robbery (Sedgwick County, Kans., Sheriff, Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
 A new law in New York prohibits  insurance  companies  from denying
 coverage to homeowners because of certain breeds of their  dogs,  such
as pit bulls. . . . A goose flying upside down
in the Netherlands was said to be just show-
ing off.  . .  .A statue of Theodore Roosevelt
on  a  horse  flanked by a black man  and an
Indian  on  foot  was  removed from in front
of  the  Museum of Natural History  in New
goosdown.jpg
 York City. . . . Three monkeys are missing from the crash of a dump truck
 and a truck carrying 100 monkeys in Pennsylvania.

                                                                [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

easterln.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green
          County, Texas, Sheriff): Erin Easterling, 38, DUI, mj; Liza
          Salazar, 41, DUI; Emma Guerrero, 22, DUI; Livia Busby, 18,
          tresp.; Schuyler Turner, 21, ctl. sub.; Margo Casillas, 37,
          fighting, DOC; Shelby Pennnington, 29, DUI; Nicole Juarez, 21,
          marijuana, drug paraphern.
easterln.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Erin Easterling, 38, DUI, mj; Liza Salazar, 41, DUI; Emma Guerrero, 22, DUI; Livia Busby, 18, tresp.; Schuyler Turner, 21, ctl. sub.; Margo Casillas, 37, fighting, DOC; Shelby Pennnington, 29, DUI; Nicole Juarez, 21, marijuana, drug paraphern.
Dear Eleanor:
                            My husband and I are in our early 50s. We have been
                            married for a year,  but have not been intimate for six
                            months.  Until he transferred to a second-shift job our
                            bedroom was  exciting;  now I'm not allowed to touch
                            him.  If more than a hug, he pushes me away.

                            I  miss  how  we  were. He says he hasn't been feeling
                            well, but he refuses to see a doctor.  I love him dearly,
                            and he tells me he loves me too; but with these mixed
                            signals, I'm not so sure. Any ideas?
                                                                                         – Boston Beauty

Dear Beauty Queen:
                                     Why did you marry the dumb son-of-a-bitch?  If
                                     you can't divorce him, kill him.
                                       

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectu-
al dissection of important current events are invi-
ted to attend the  Weekly World News Round Ta-
ble at the offices of Borf  Books outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every  Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the  near
future include Ivanka.
ivankatr.jpg

The sports:
                    Triple-A minor league baseball will hire
                    robots to call balls and strikes.


lifepass.jpg "Sorry that password won't work . . . " Life Saver Dude: Fuck you
lifepass.jpg "Sorry that password won't work . . . " Life Saver Dude: Fuck you

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:


      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)



"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


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Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 16, 2022:  Things you would never know if you did not
      browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
      ter in the supermarket –“ this week's headlines
:


hed22013.jpg Betty White turns 100! (curiosity People); Proof Biden's a crook (Equirer); Epstein & Clinton: Smoking gun found (Globe); Greta Garbo: Kinky sex life (Examiner); Oswald was a KGB assassin (Globe); Ivanka reported to have begged Putin to order her dad to stop Capitol attack (Borowitz)
hed22013.jpg Betty White turns 100! (curiosity People); Proof Biden's a crook (Equirer); Epstein & Clinton: Smoking gun found (Globe); Greta Garbo: Kinky sex life (Examiner); Oswald was a KGB assassin (Globe); Ivanka reported to have begged Putin to order her dad to stop Capitol attack (Borowitz)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
The Coleman Family wrote Sun 1/9/22 @15:24 EST:
GET THESE TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE
AND FUCK OFF!  Remove us from you contact lost [sic].

Dumb news from Indiana
:
Tested positive, 1,429,683; died, 20,226.
                                                                 [courtesy N.Y. Times]
obaniont.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Terry O'Banion, WM, 5'8", 175 lbs, intimidation; Gerell McKinley, BM, 6'1", 230 lbs, cocaine; Joseph Olivo, WM, 6', 185 lbs, traffic; Neil Stinette, WM, 5'11", 200 lbs, armed robbery; Bobby Armstrong, BM, 6', 150 lbs, resisting
obaniont.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Terry O'Banion, WM, 5'8", 175 lbs, intimidation; Gerell McKinley, BM, 6'1", 230 lbs, cocaine; Joseph Olivo, WM, 6', 185 lbs, traffic; Neil Stinette, WM, 5'11", 200 lbs, armed robbery; Bobby Armstrong, BM, 6', 150 lbs, resisting

Dumb news from Kentucky
:

Tested positive, 984,233; died, 12,536.
                                                                        [courtesy N.Y. Times]
mattingl.jpg Busted in Bardstown: Joseph Daniel Mattingly, 26, Campbwllsville, evading police; Lolita Ann Simonton, 41, Bardstown, meth, marijuana; James David Aughton, 24, Bloomfield, contempt of court; Savannah C. Bush, 24, Louisville, controlled subst.; Seth Austin Stroming, 22, Paducah, Meth, mari., felon w/gun (Nelson County Gazette)
mattingl.jpg Busted in Bardstown: Joseph Daniel Mattingly, 26, Campbwllsville, evading police; Lolita Ann Simonton, 41, Bardstown, meth, marijuana; James David Aughton, 24, Bloomfield, contempt of court; Savannah C. Bush, 24, Louisville, controlled subst.; Seth Austin Stroming, 22, Paducah, Meth, mari., felon w/gun (Nelson County Gazette)
Quotations of the week:
                                        "The unvaccinated, I really want to piss them off."
                                                                                                                             – Emmanuel Macron
        "That criminal Arbery still got the death penalty, though."
                                                                                                             – Houston County, Georgia,
                                                                                                                Deputy Sheriff Paul Urhahn
        "I sold vacuum cleaners a while, but the job really sucked."
                                                                                                            – Richard Lederer

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"I came home one night about half-drunk, and the next morning Mama
  said,  'Leonard,  you were about half-drunk last night!'  and  I  replied,
  'Sorry, Mom, I ran out of money'."
                                                                                             – Leonard Simon

Birthdays:
                 January 10:  Shawn Colvin, 66
                                     
Pat Benatar, 69
                                      George Foreman, 73
                                      Donald Fagen, 74
                                      Rod Stewart, 77
                  January 11:  Mary J. Bilge, 51
                                      Diana Ellen "Naomi" Judd, 76
                 January 12:  Howard Stern, 68
                                      Kirstie Alley, 71
                                      Bernardine Dohrn, 80
                                      Rush Limbaugh (1951-2021)
                  January 14:  Dave Grohl, 53
                                       Michael Trampenau ("Mike Tramp"), 61
                                       Marjoe Gortner, 78
                                       Nina Totenberg, 78
                                       Jack Jones, 84
                                       Marc Antony (83-30 B.C.)
                   January 15
  Maria Baeza ("Charo"), 71 (she says; actually 81 on March 13)
                                      
Margaret O'Brien, 85
                                       Martin Luther King Jr. (really, not Jan. 17; 1929-1968)
                                       Joan of Arc (1412-1431)
                   January 16:  Jim Stafford, 78
                                        A. J. Foyt, 87
                                        Norman Podhoretz, 92
Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Dwayne Hickman ("Dobie Gillis"), 87
                                Ronnie Spector, 78
amadeust.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Amadeus Tucker, BM, 19, 5'11", 208 lbs, probation viol. (aggr. robbery); Ashley Thomas, BF, 30, 5'7", 115 lbs., provation violation (burglary); Andrea Gonzalez, WF, 32, 5'3", 120 lbs, probation viol. (opiate); Seneca Rowland, BF, 37, 5'6", 220 lbs (Yorkshire hog), forgery; Anthony Smith, BM, 24, 5'8", 160 lbs, parole viol. (aggrav. escape) (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
amadeust.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Amadeus Tucker, BM, 19, 5'11", 208 lbs, probation viol. (aggr. robbery); Ashley Thomas, BF, 30, 5'7", 115 lbs., provation violation (burglary); Andrea Gonzalez, WF, 32, 5'3", 120 lbs, probation viol. (opiate); Seneca Rowland, BF, 37, 5'6", 220 lbs (Yorkshire hog), forgery; Anthony Smith, BM, 24, 5'8", 160 lbs, parole viol. (aggrav. escape) (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tested positive. . . . The man who bought Kyle
Rittenhouse a rifle pleaded "no contest"  to contributing to the delinquen-
cy of a minor. .  .  .  Coronavirus vaccinations quadrupled in Montreal af-
ter liquor and marijuana stores announced they  would  require  proof  of
them. .  .  . A Spanish court ruled that animals are sentient beings eligible
for considerations like joint custody when their owners divorce. . . . 
Chi-
cago Mayor Lori Lightfoot tested positive. .  .  .  Dr. Fauci called Senator
Roger Marshall (R-Kansas) a moron.
                                                                  [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

     olverajm.jpt Arrested in Abilene(Texas, not Kansas): Gary Don Lindley, WM, 57, 6', 220 lbs, failure to register as sex offender; David Dutka, WM, 45, 5'9", 160 lbs, continuous family violence; Jesse Manuel Olvera, HM, 23, 6'2", 250 lbs, robbery (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
olverajm.jpt Arrested in Abilene(Texas, not Kansas): Gary Don Lindley, WM, 57, 6', 220 lbs, failure to register as sex offender; David Dutka, WM, 45, 5'9", 160 lbs, continuous family violence; Jesse Manuel Olvera, HM, 23, 6'2", 250 lbs, robbery (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

Dear Eleanor:
                            My husband and I  are  friends  with  a  couple
                            I'll call "Rusty and Cathy."  We like them,  but
                            we have very few of the same interests.     One
                            thing is, they believe that if a husband and wife
                            do not share the same interests, it is OK for the
                            husband to spend time with women who do.

                            I believe this is setting the stage  for  these  rela-
                            tionships to become full-blown affairs.     Cathy
                            says if you love someone, you should trust them
                            and she has no problem with Rusty's seeing mo-
                            vies, plays, concerts, etc., with other women.

                            This situation has made our friendship stressful.
                            I don't like seeing Rusty with women other than
                            his wife, but I was willing to mind my own bus-
                            iness until he suggested that my husband should
                            do the same when I am out of town  or  working.
                            Other friends say I am overreacting.      My hus-
                            band, by the way, agrees with me.

                                                      Hoping I'm Right in the Midwest

Dear Hopey:

                         Tell Rusty to go fuck himself.


tambunja.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Joseph Tambunga, 33, drunk; Christina Garivay, 47, burglary; Dewey Bingham, 58, parole violation; Christine Rauch, 56, DUI; Mykah Salvidar, 21, DWOL, mj; Breanna Motes,22, family assault; Xuan Huymh, 21, dang. drugs; Melissa Puga, 53, theft, bail jumping
tambunja.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Joseph Tambunga, 33, drunk; Christina Garivay, 47, burglary; Dewey Bingham, 58, parole violation; Christine Rauch, 56, DUI; Mykah Salvidar, 21, DWOL, mj; Breanna Motes,22, family assault; Xuan Huymh, 21, dang. drugs; Melissa Puga, 53, theft, bail jumping

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                             94A:  "Crustacean seller?"
            Answer: PRAWNBROKER                                                    [L.A. Times 12/5/21]


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectu-
al dissection of important current events are invi-
ted to attend the  Weekly World News Round Ta-
ble at the offices of Borf  Books outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every  Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the  near
future include Nick Saban.
nicksaba.jpg

The sports:
                    Rachel Balkovec was hired to manage minor league
                    baseball's Tampa Tarpons.

lifewair.jpg In Wisconsin you can smell the dairy air Life Saver Dude: I smell it ever'whair
lifewair.jpg In Wisconsin you can smell the dairy air Life Saver Dude: I smell it ever'whair

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)



"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 9, 2022:  Things you would never know if you did not
      browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
      ter in the supermarket –“ this week's headlines
:


hed22012.jpg Betty Whiate turns 100! (curiosity National Examiner); Air Force pilot tangles with nine UFO's (Enquirrer); Kim Kardashian: 'It's all falling apart' (US); Husband Doug "sick of fighting,' V.P.  Kamala's marriage crisis!, Separate bedrooms, no weddikng rings; Big problems began six months ago; Truth about her affair; Why 1st Lady Jill can't stand her (Star); Epstein was murdered - explosive new proof! Is Ghislaine Maxwell next? (Globe)
hed22012.jpg Betty Whiate turns 100! (curiosity National Examiner); Air Force pilot tangles with nine UFO's (Enquirrer); Kim Kardashian: 'It's all falling apart' (US); Husband Doug "sick of fighting,' V.P.  Kamala's marriage crisis!, Separate bedrooms, no weddikng rings; Big problems began six months ago; Truth about her affair; Why 1st Lady Jill can't stand her (Star); Epstein was murdered - explosive new proof! Is Ghislaine Maxwell next? (Globe)


Dumb news from Indiana
:
Tested positive, 1,333,147; died, 19,614.
                                                                   [courtesy N.Y. Times]
hudnallj.jpg Wanted in South Bend (Michiana Crime Stoppers): Jason Hudnall, 5' 9", 200 lbs, parole violation (nonsupport): Antonio Dallas, BM, 5'9", 160 lbs, parole violation (armed robbery): Charles Buggs, BM, 6'4", 200 lbs, parole violation (nonsupport): Dennis Douglas, BM, 5'5", 135 lbs, parole violation (burglary): David Jackson,WM, 5'8", 185 lbs, parole violation (op. on susp. lic.)
hudnallj.jpg Wanted in South Bend (Michiana Crime Stoppers): Jason Hudnall, 5' 9", 200 lbs, parole violation (nonsupport): Antonio Dallas, BM, 5'9", 160 lbs, parole violation (armed robbery): Charles Buggs, BM, 6'4", 200 lbs, parole violation (nonsupport): Dennis Douglas, BM, 5'5", 135 lbs, parole violation (burglary): David Jackson,WM, 5'8", 185 lbs, parole violation (op. on susp. lic.)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Tested positive, 922,708; died, 12,390.
                                                                        [courtesy N.Y. Times]

Forty  vehicles  collided together in the snow on I-64 near Mount
Sterling. . . .

Kentucky  Senator  Rand  Paul,  who signed the "US Term Limits
Pledge" in 2019 to limit senators to  two  terms  in office,  filed to
run for a third term.

 
               
                                                              [courtesy LEX18]


    sloanick.jpg Lexington's most wanted (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers): Nick Sloan, WM, 30, 5'7", 195 lbs, felony shoplifting; Robert Patton, BM, 41, 6'2", 170 lbs, assault, felon w/firearm; David Hedges, WM, 38, 5'10", 150 lbs, meth, armed felon
sloanick.jpg Lexington's most wanted (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers): Nick Sloan, WM, 30, 5'7", 195 lbs, felony shoplifting; Robert Patton, BM, 41, 6'2", 170 lbs, assault, felon w/firearm; David Hedges, WM, 38, 5'10", 150 lbs, meth, armed felon
Quotations of the week:
                                          "I studied to be a lawyer, but I had a brief career."
                                                                                                                             – Richard Lederer

        "Very soon, time will take us from past into future."
                                                                                                Vladimir Putin
        "The criminal former U.S. president
          is at the top of the lis
t."
                                                  – Iran President
Ebrahim Raisi, on the second anniversary
                                                     of the U.S.' assassination of General Qassem Soleimani


michelmo.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Michael Elmo Egbert, WM,  52, 5'9", 247 lbs, burglary, opiate distribution (at the best of our perception, the legend on his shirt is "JUSTIDIT"); Scott Cabrales, WM, 34, 5'11", 218 lbs, DUI, manslaughter; Domonique Shanae Carter, BF, 33, 5'5", 157 lbs, opiates, mj & paraphernalia; Reontae Bernard Crosby, BM, 19, 5'6", 170 lbs, murder 2° (City of Waco)
michelmo.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Michael Elmo Egbert, WM,  52, 5'9", 247 lbs, burglary, opiate distribution (at the best of our perception, the legend on his shirt is "JUSTIDIT"); Scott Cabrales, WM, 34, 5'11", 218 lbs, DUI, manslaughter; Domonique Shanae Carter, BF, 33, 5'5", 157 lbs, opiates, mj & paraphernalia; Reontae Bernard Crosby, BM, 19, 5'6", 170 lbs, murder 2° (City of Waco)

Birthdays:
                   January 3:  Greta Thunberg, 19
                                     Eli Manning, 41

                                     Stephen Stills, 77
                                     Sylvia Likens (1949-1965)
                   January 4:  Andy Borowitz, 64
                                     
Patty Loveless, 65
                                      Doris Kearns Goodwin, 79
                                     
Mahavishnu John McLaughlin, "rock guitarist," 80
                                     
Dyan Cannon, 85
                                      Grace Bumbry, 85
                                      Susannah McCorkle (1946-2001)
                                      Maureen Reagan (1941-2001)
                    January 5:  Iris DeMent, 61
                                      Diane Keaton, 76
                                      Charlie Rose, 80
                                      Zulfikar Ali Bhutto (1928-1979)
                                      Walter Mondale (1928-2021)
                    January 6:  Nancy Lopez, 65
                                       Syd Barrett (1946-2006)
                    January 7:  Rand Paul, 59
                                      Katie Couric, 65
                                     
Raila Odinga, 77
                                      Geronimo Baqueiro Foster (1898-1967)
                    January 8:  Kim Young'n', 38
                                       R. Kelly, 55
                                       Yvette Mimieux, 80
                                       Freb Cood, 83
                                       David Robert Jones ("David Bowie," 1947-2016)
                                       Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
                    January 9:  Catherine "Kate" Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, 40
                                       Joan Baez, 81
Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Sidney Poitier, 94
                                Peter Bogdanovich, 82

saucedop.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Pedro Saucedo, HM, 51, 6'2", 170 lbs, aggravated assault; Haleigh Brianne Vitek, WF, 23, 5'2", 105 lbs, burglary; Matthew Turner, BM, 26, 5'11", 300 lbs, robbery; Dayshaun Jaquan Henry, BM, 20, 6'0", 270 lbs, sexual assault of child, failure to register (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
saucedop.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Pedro Saucedo, HM, 51, 6'2", 170 lbs, aggravated assault; Haleigh Brianne Vitek, WF, 23, 5'2", 105 lbs, burglary; Matthew Turner, BM, 26, 5'11", 300 lbs, robbery; Dayshaun Jaquan Henry, BM, 20, 6'0", 270 lbs, sexual assault of child, failure to register (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                               82A:  "Reason to go to a seafood
                                                                          restaurant?"
        Answer:  JUSTFORTHEHALIBUT                                 
[L.A. Times 12/5/21]


Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
Alfredo Antonio Trujillo was born December 31, 2021,  in Salinas,  Cal-
ifornia,  and his twin sister,  Aylin Yolanda Trujillo,  was born January 1,
2022. . . .  Whoopi  Goldberg  tested positive. . . .  Congresswoman Mar-
jorie Taylor Greene
  was banned from  Tweeter  Twitter   and  suspended
from Clutterbook Facebook. . . . More on how to say "omicron." . . . The
Governor of Louisiana said he would posthumously pardon Homer Pleas-
sy of his conviction in 1892's Plessy v. Ferguson case that declared "sepa-
rate but equal" to be constitutional. .  .  .  A lawsuit against the rock band
Nirvana by a man pictured  naked  on its 1991 album "Nevermind" when
he was a baby was dismissed. . . .  The  skies  rained  fish  in a tornado in
Texarkana, Texas. . . . A man was charged with forgery in Hartford, Con-
necticut, for using a  fake  Covid-19 positive  test  result  to avoid a court
appearance on a previous felony charge. .  .  .  Cats were accused of start-
ing more than 100  house  fires  in Seoul,  South  Korea,  in the last three
years.  .  .  .   An ostrich jumped off a truck and ran down the highway in
Kuala Lumpur.
                                                                  [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

coleshor.jpg Locked up in San Angelow (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Cole Short, 18, DUI; Imelda Garcia, 31, family assault; Melissa Fuller, 36, assault by drunk; Jackie Carpenter,45, DUI; José Cadéña, 36, DUI; Barbara Lasater, 60, marijuana; Monica Mares, 35, mj; Alonzo Paras, 48, fictitious license plate
coleshor.jpg Locked up in San Angelow (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Cole Short, 18, DUI; Imelda Garcia, 31, family assault; Melissa Fuller, 36, assault by drunk; Jackie Carpenter,45, DUI; José Cadéña, 36, DUI; Barbara Lasater, 60, marijuana; Monica Mares, 35, mj; Alonzo Paras, 48, fictitious license plate
Dear Abby:
                        I have been married to a lovely woman for  40  years.
                        I recently found out  that five years into our marriage
                        she had an affair with a friend of ours. It lasted sever-
                        al weeks, during which they would meet at our house
                        over the lunch hour.

                        My wife does not know that this friend, having recent-
                        ly found religion, has confessed to me.   I'd  suspected
                        it for a few years.   Should I tell her I know,  or just go
                        on as though nothing happened?
                                                                             In the Know in Illinois

Dear Know:
                        I cannot guess what justification this "friend" has given
                        for trying to clear his conscience  by  telling  you some-
                        thing  that  could  destroy  your  marriage.  The  punish-
                        ment  for  his  guilt  should have been the burden of car-
                        ying it to his grave without sharing it  with  you.   If his
                        confession will  erode  your relationship with your wife,
                        tell her what you were told so that you can talk it through.
       

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectu-
al dissection of important current events are invi-
ted to attend the  Weekly World News Round Ta-
ble at the offices of Borf  Books outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every  Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the  near
future include Andrew Cuomo.
cuomoand.jpg

The sports:
                    Green Bay Packers quarterback  Aaron Rodgers
                    caught flak for hugging Fox TV's Erin Andrews
                    after an interview on the football field. .  .  . T
he
                    St. Louis Blues beat the Minnesota Wild  6-4  in
                    an outdoor National Hockey League game at Tar-
                    get Field in Minneapolis  where  the  temperature
                    dropped to 10 
degrees  below  zero  (an editorial
                    query:    To what nation does the league name re-
                    fer?  Seven of its 32 teams are in Canada).

lifewaah.jpg Every time I say "bah" doesn't mean you have to say "humbug" Life Saver Dude: Waah!
lifewaah.jpg Every time I say "bah" doesn't mean you have to say "humbug" Life Saver Dude: Waah!

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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett

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Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 2, 2022:   Things you would never know if you did not
      browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
      ter in the supermarket –“ this week's headlines
:

tharpbil.jpg Arrested in Boyle County: Billy Tharp, DUI, meth, endangerment, evading (LEX18)
hed22011.jpg Jennifer Aniston finally reveals 'Why I never had kids" (In Touch); Explosive evidence stuns sex crimes trial, Epstein madam's twisted photo album, playing footsie on flying bordello, teens forced into same-sex trysts (Enquirer); Hollywood's most vicious divorces, Alec Baldwin / Kim Basinger, Angelina Jolie / Brad Pitt, Amber Heard / Johnny Depp, Lucille Ball / Desi Arnaz, Heather Mills / Paul McCartney, Ike & Tina Turner (Examiner); Marjorie Taylor Greene accuses Jews of aiming space lasers at Santa Claus (Borowitz); Fridge magnets forced to take on extra holiday word holding down Xmas cards (Onion)
hed22011.jpg Jennifer Aniston finally reveals 'Why I never had kids" (In Touch); Explosive evidence stuns sex crimes trial, Epstein madam's twisted photo album, playing footsie on flying bordello, teens forced into same-sex trysts (Enquirer); Hollywood's most vicious divorces, Alec Baldwin / Kim Basinger, Angelina Jolie / Brad Pitt, Amber Heard / Johnny Depp, Lucille Ball / Desi Arnaz, Heather Mills / Paul McCartney, Ike & Tina Turner (Examiner); Marjorie Taylor Greene accuses Jews of aiming space lasers at Santa Claus (Borowitz); Fridge magnets forced to take on extra holiday word holding down Xmas cards (Onion)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Malachi wrote Sun 12/26/21 @10:10 CST:
Why did the pronunciation of the first syllable of "omicron"
change from a short o to a long o when it became a virus?

We dunno.  The long o ("OH-mi-cron")  is a British pronunciation,
but the short o ("OM-i-cron") is the preferred pronunciation found
in  reputable  dictionaries. (and the correct pronunciation in Greek,
of which it is a letter of the alphabet).   There's an article  in  Good
Housekeeping  indicating that the oddball pronunciation may have
been  initiated  by  an  official  at  the  World  Health  Organization
(WHO).

And, what about "The Centers for Disease Control is . . . "?
                                                                                                    – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana:
Tested positive, 1,250,565; died, 19,037.
                                                                         [courtesy N.Y. Times]

jameica.jpg Indianapolis' most wanted (Central Indiana Crime Stoppers): Richard Allen, BM, pointng a firearm; Jameica Atkinson, BF, 5'9", 150 lbs, welfare fraud; Alejandro Batana, HM, 5'6", 185 lbs, child molesting; Alasa Adams, BF, 5'5", 150 lbs, theft; Nathaniel Anders, WM, 6', 160 lbs, poss. of syringe
jameica.jpg Indianapolis' most wanted (Central Indiana Crime Stoppers): Richard Allen, BM, pointng a firearm; Jameica Atkinson, BF, 5'9", 150 lbs, welfare fraud; Alejandro Batana, HM, 5'6", 185 lbs, child molesting; Alasa Adams, BF, 5'5", 150 lbs, theft; Nathaniel Anders, WM, 6', 160 lbs, poss. of syringe
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Tested positive, 864,599; died, 12,149.
                                                                        [courtesy N.Y. Times]
angelpoy.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Joseph William Hamilton, 23, Bardswotn, probation violation; Micheal sic] Ray Humphrey, 42, Bardstown, controlled substances; Angela Poynter, 39, Bardstown, controlled substances; Michael Anthony Ryan, 44, Bardstown, failue to appear; Kenneth Wayne Mudd, 41, Bardsstown, assault
angelpoy.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Joseph William Hamilton, 23, Bardswotn, probation violation; Micheal sic] Ray Humphrey, 42, Bardstown, controlled substances; Angela Poynter, 39, Bardstown, controlled substances; Michael Anthony Ryan, 44, Bardstown, failue to appear; Kenneth Wayne Mudd, 41, Bardsstown, assault

Quotations of the week
:
                                            "Next I had a job in a shoe store, but I got the boot."
                                                                                                                             – Richard Lederer

carlonle.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas) (Abilene Crime Stoppers): Carlon Leigh Hale, WM, 23, 5'10", 170 lbs, aggrav. sexual assault of a child; James Allen Sims,BM, 43, 5'11", 170 lbs, sex offender failure to register; Patricia Hatfield Vaugh, WF, 54, 5'3", 145 lbs, injury to elderly, theft; Stephon Deshawn Woodards, BM, 20, 6'2", 145 lbs, retaliation; Christopher Adam Janes, WM, 28, 5'11", 180 lbs, family assault
carlonle.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas) (Abilene Crime Stoppers): Carlon Leigh Hale, WM, 23, 5'10", 170 lbs, aggrav. sexual assault of a child; James Allen Sims,BM, 43, 5'11", 170 lbs, sex offender failure to register; Patricia Hatfield Vaugh, WF, 54, 5'3", 145 lbs, injury to elderly, theft; Stephon Deshawn Woodards, BM, 20, 6'2", 145 lbs, retaliation; Christopher Adam Janes, WM, 28, 5'11", 180 lbs, family assault
Birthdays:
                      December 27:  Karla Bonoff, 70
                                              Tracy Nelson, 77 (this one, not that one)
                      December 28:  Edgar Winter, 75
                                              Maggie Smith, 87
                                              Joe Diffie (1958-2020)
                      December 29:  Yvonne Elliman, 70
                                              Marianne Faitfhfull, 75
                                              William Augustus "Dub" Jones, 97
                                              Mary Tyler Moore (1936-2017)
                      December 30:  
LeBron James, 37
                                              A. J. Pierzynski, 45
                                              Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods, 46
                                              Patti Smith, 75
                                              Paul Stookey, 84
                                              Sanford Koufax, 86
                                              Mary Penick ("Skeeter Davis," 1931-2004)
                      December 31:  Anthony Hopkins, 84
                                             
Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, 86
                                              Donna Summer (1948-2012)
                      January 1:  Country Joe McDonald, 80
                                        Sigismund the Old (1467-1548)
                      January 2:  Greta Thunberg, 19
                                        Jim Bakker, 82
                                        Roger Miller (1936-1992)

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Betty White, 99
                                John Madden, 85
                                Harry Reid, 82
                                Jean-Marc Vallée, 58

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                             67A:  "Help for little fish?"
            Answer: HERRINGAIDS                                                        [L.A. Times 12/5/21]


monicast.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Brian Dean Davenport,WM, 53, 6', 160 lbs,tattoos arms & shoulders, probation violation (theft); Monica Crystal Castro, HF, 35, 5', 200 lbs (Yorkshire hog), tattoo, right hand, probation violation (meth); Tannica Joy Tillis, BF, 34, 5'1", 110 lbs, tattoo wrist, battery with deadly weap.; Cain Daquan Fanning, BM, 24, 6'1", 124 lbs, tattoo rt. temple, domestic battery; Wanted in Waco: Devin Michael Ferrill, BM, 29, 6'1", 180 lbs, evading (Sedgwick County (Kans.) Sheriff, City of Waco)
monicast.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Brian Dean Davenport,WM, 53, 6', 160 lbs,tattoos arms & shoulders, probation violation (theft); Monica Crystal Castro, HF, 35, 5', 200 lbs (Yorkshire hog), tattoo, right hand, probation violation (meth); Tannica Joy Tillis, BF, 34, 5'1", 110 lbs, tattoo wrist, battery with deadly weap.; Cain Daquan Fanning, BM, 24, 6'1", 124 lbs, tattoo rt. temple, domestic battery; Wanted in Waco: Devin Michael Ferrill, BM, 29, 6'1", 180 lbs, evading (Sedgwick County (Kans.) Sheriff, City of Waco)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
The Guardian dubbed Dr. Anthony Fauci the "sexiest man alive."  .  .  .
The  United  Mine  Workers  called on West Virginia Senator Joe Man-
chin to support President Biden's economic recovery plan. .  .  .  China
threatened to throw Lithania into the "garbage bin of history" after the
little country offered Taiwan an embassy.
                                                                                  [courtesy Harper's]

keylihot.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Anthony Paz, 22, DUI; Keyli Ho, 23, assault w/deadly weapon; Genevieve Garcia, 22, marij.; Ashley Henderson, 40, DUI; Brandy Jimenez, 38, DUI; Carmen Pedroza, 34, fam. assault; Kelsey Meaders, 28, family viol.
keylihot.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Anthony Paz, 22, DUI; Keyli Ho, 23, assault w/deadly weapon; Genevieve Garcia, 22, marij.; Ashley Henderson, 40, DUI; Brandy Jimenez, 38, DUI; Carmen Pedroza, 34, fam. assault; Kelsey Meaders, 28, family viol.
Dear Eleanor:
                             I'm a 50-year-old widower.  A  friend  introduced
                             me  to  "Susan,"  a woman she knew  who  is  my
                             age  and  divorced,  thinking  we would hit it off.
                             We've gone out  a couple of times,  and  it's  gone
                             well;  but I had this strange feeling of  something
                             familiar about her. Our mutual friend showed me
                             Susan’s Clutterbook page, and I was shocked.

                            When I was in my 20's and living in another city I
                            was dating "Jackie,"  a woman 30 years older than
                            I.  The age difference was a bit much and we amic-
                            ably parted, but we got along well. She was uncom-
                            fortable with others' knowing about our relationship;
                            so we just agreed never to discuss it with anyone.

                            On Susan’s Clutterbook page there was a memorial
                            to Jackie.  It turned out that Susan is Jackie's daugh-
                            ter.  I don't know how to handle this.  Should  I  tell
                            Susan  about my past relationship with her mother?
                            Should I wait and tell her later, or not tell her at all?
                            It's an awkward situation,  and I’m not sure what to
                            do.
                                                                  
Liked mother, like daughter
Dear Likable:
                            How did you not meet the 20-year-old Susan  when
                            you were fucking her 50-year-old mother?      Were
                            they not speaking to each other?   Yes!  You have to
                            ask!   But wait until you and Susan are married.  It'-
                            ll be fun then.

lifecrow.jpg Successful defense attorney with a manslaughter of crows Life Saver Dude: O, now I get it, but, whence a gaggle of geese?
lifecrow.jpg Successful defense attorney with a manslaughter of crows Life Saver Dude: O, now I get it, but, whence a gaggle of geese?

DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to   attend   the  Weekly  World
News  Round  Table  at the offices of Borf Books  outside  Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.    Guest   speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Elissa Nadworny.



HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)



"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor