This was originally written in response to a question posed in an on-line collaboration group. The question was on sex appeal, how you perceive your own and others. I don't feel my opinion has changed any since the day I wrote it, but my heart is always open to change.

Mr. Right or Mr. Right-Now: Peeling Away The Sex Appeal
A Gay/Pagan Opinion 11/14/00
by R.A. Melos

I've seen several books on the market, some geared specifically for the gay market and some for the pagan market, which give detailed instructions on finding Mr. Right. These books also explore what to do with Mr. Right once you've found him, and how to turn him into a frog once you discover he's neither Mr. Right or Mr. Right-Now.

Okay, the spell for turning him into a frog probably doesn't work. Actually, the one most workable is the psychological spell where you take his photo, a green crayon, not the forest green or kelly green, but the greenish yellowish crayon that has a rather sickly look to it, a candle for effect, and while you concentrate on all the bad things he did you slowly color his photograph until he is completely green. Depending on how badly you were treated, you might need a very large (possibly wall sized) photo.

Anyway, after coloring him green, you take the photo and burn it while chanting an incantation. I'll not go into the incantation here, as this article is about how to find what you desire in a partner. We can deal with dumping him after you find him. However, the psychological effect of this spell on you is to empower you over the negative effects of the Mr. Wrongs in your life.

Now you might ask yourself what I, a person unattached at the moment, who has spent so much time decrying the virtues of relationships, long or short term, and filled many web pages with details of my own bad breakup, can tell you about finding the right man?

In a word? Nothing.

However, we all know, either consciously or subconsciously, what we are looking for in a mate. And, if we are all honest with ourselves, we can tell ourselves what we want without much difficulty.

What is the first thing we notice about potential mates? Looks? Personality? Wallet size?

In my case it was the looks. Now this isn't to say I'm shallow, but Quasimodo wouldn't get a second look. Now some might notice hair color or eye color, but with me it's ears. I notice small ears or unusual ears before much else about a potential partner. Of course it is the over all physical appearance which is something I consider. Height, weight, age, but if you've got cute ears you're already higher up on my list.

Now once we get beyond the looks, for me a sense of humor is essential. Someone who will laugh at my sense of humor is a must, but there are some men who will try to make me laugh. Now it's not that I don't have a sense of humor, but so far only one man has been able to make me laugh.

The last thing I notice about a potential partner is how much money he makes or what kind of provider he will be. I believe my lack of interest in another man's money stems from my homosexuality. I always believed I would have to be my own financial support system, and my feelings for a partner, sexually or otherwise, do not stem from what he can give me on a materialistic level. My feelings for a man are increased by what he can give me on an emotional level.

I suppose, in many ways, I'm more demanding of emotional fulfillment than financial fulfillment, since I was raised in a family where my parents were equals, and my father never mentioned the fact he was the sole support of the family, until my mother went back to work when I was 13. Of course my parents were older than those of my peers, by at least ten years. They never fought about money, or fought in general. At least, they never fought in front of me.

I've discovered through my first failed relationship of sorts, asking for emotional fulfillment of another person is perhaps too much to expect. Like the Jim Steinman song Paradise By The Dashboard Light (Okay, Meatloaf sang it, but Steinman wrote it), asks "Will you make so happy for the rest of my life?" Obviously my former partner was incapable of making me happy for the rest of my life, and I'm even less demanding than so many others are or will be. (As of 2001 he's 0 for 3.)

I know asking anyone to give of themselves emotionally is more than many people are willing to give. Perhaps the fact I am more willing to give of myself emotionally than I am financially speaks volumes about my own sex appeal as it comes across to others.

I rarely consider my own appeal to others. It's not that I'm over-confidant, I just figure if someone isn't attracted to me, even if I am attracted to them, they'll let me know at the first advance. Of course I thought this way when I considered people as truthful creatures, an opinion I have revised after my previous relationship. Now, along with cute ears, a sense of humor and emotional openness, complete honesty is something I cannot live without.

As for those who are attracted to me, If I don't share their feelings, I let them know it at the first sign they feel more for me than I feel for them. I've never actually questioned what others find appealing about me, and I don't really care. I live my life for my pleasure and my comfort, and not for the comfort and pleasure of another person, which is another aspect of myself that has changed. I once could have lived for the happiness of another, but no longer would I ever consider that as paramount to the success of a relationship.

My views on what is appealing to me have changed in the aspect of stability. I need a man who can be stable with his sexuality and not flip-flopping in the realm of bisexuality. I've done the married-man-who-isn't-getting-what-he-needs-at-home thing, and I won't do it again. Someone who can be happy where they are at every moment, or who gives the illusion of being at ease where ever they are is very much of a turn on.

While all of these qualities are important to me now, I'm sure, just as everything changed for me after my first relationship, they are all subject to change again depending on the direction in which the universe takes my sex life.

As far as the concept of principles where sex appeal exists, I don't believe principles are of any consequence in today's society. I say this as a gay man, who by the virtue of my sexuality is already going against the supposed principles of society. I also say this as a pagan who religiously is at odds with so-call Christian society.

One of the greatest things about being gay is the fact I am different from the cookie cutter breeders of heterosexual society. I don't have to get married and have children to be accepted, and I feel very sorry for the homosexuals who feel they must have the family and marriage in order to be accepted by heterosexual society, just as I feel sorry for closeted homosexuals and heterosexuals who feel they are incomplete without the marriage and children.

By the very virtue of our sexuality, we are blessed with the ability to transcend the mundane aspects of heterosexual lifestyles, and unfortunately so many of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered community are easily being psychologically manipulated into believing they are not complete without being like heterosexuals. The manipulation of the GLBT community gives heterosexuals a feeling of superiority, even if it is a false sense superiority.

As long as people can be convinced being like everyone else is more important than their own individuality, the good of the masses outweighing the good of the individual, the GLBT community will not be truly free to reach its own great potential.

The sex appeal of the GLBT community is the freedom to be. My question to all who read this is, are you truly what you want to be? Or, are you just fitting in?

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