The funniest quotations
and other funny stuff.
Note: The following quotations weren't made during Mechwarrior sessions only. The biggest part of them was made during AD&D sessions.
Note 2: GM means GameMaster, P means Player.
BattleTech - GM's fiction
Situation: The party tries to capture a Dropship of House Kurita which is just leaving a jumpship. They're inside it and looking for the command center.
GM: As you are walking through the corridors, you are passing a strange-looking door and...
P1: A door?
P2: Perhaps it's the way to the command center!
P3: We have to be careful. Is there anything written on it?
GM: Does anybody in the party know Japanese?
P1: Nobody does.
GM: Then you can't read it.
P3: I have a VERY strange feeling about this.
P1: So what? I say we charge right through it!
P2: Why charge? We have C8!
GM smiles and wonders why the Kurita techs were too lazy to translate the word "AIRLOCK" into English...
(Hee hee hee...)
GM: Your scout lance is confronted with a Galaxy-sized Clan assault force! What do you do?
Player 1: Die with honor!
Player 2: Counterstrike!
Player 3: Ummm... Retreat?!
(Pause)
Player 3: Give peace a chance?
(Pause)
Player 3: Oh come on! Please!?
(Pause)
Player 1: No. Death before dishonor!
Player 3: Yeah, whatever.
Player (piloting an Urbanmech): Charge Attack!!!
Player (Elemental): I'll make a DFA on that Atlas!
BattleTech and Mechwarrior
Terror! (Just guess)
I want this for free! (Exactly)
The following scene really happened:
The new Rifleman has several improvements. One is that it now features 2 Ultra Autocannons.
As you might also know, there is a small chance that these Autocannons jam when you fire them in Ultra mode.
But this only happens when both dice show a 1 (normally this means just an automatic miss).
Like I said, it's a very small chance that this EVER happens.
Well, here we go:
Our new Rifleman faces a Blackhawk.
The Rifleman closes the distance to the Blackhawk so he is standing right in front of the enemy.
The Rifleman pilot knows that this is an easy kill and wants to finish this off so he can face the other Mech that is approaching.
He switches both Autocannons to Ultra Mode and brings up his Mech's arms.
The crosshairs are resting over the Blackhawk's cockpit and are locked. Our pilot triggers both Autocannons.
Zoom out to the players in the room:
P1 (after some minor calculating): 5 or above. Have a nice day...
P2 (the Blackhawk player): Whoopsie.
P1: Autocannon 1, ULTRA MODE (rolls the dice) Wait-a-minute...
P2: Ammo Jam!
P3: Now you just have one Autocannon! That means he could survive this!
P1: Damn. But now, I will blow off your stinking cockpit! (rolls the dice)
(Pause)
P1: No.
P2 and P3: AGAIN! Ammo Jam! (rolling over the floor laughing)
P1: This can't be...
And the Rifleman pilot stares at the 2 warning lights indicating that his two major weapons are out of action.
The battlefield becomes silent for some moments.
And the Blackhawk pilot smiles and raises HIS weapons...
AD&D
P1: Hello. I am the mightiest magician of the world.
P2: Hey, just like me!
Situation: The party is in an arctic area.
GM: You just want to pass the valley when you see a giant ice bear making passive threats.
P1: I shoot it with my bow.
P2: I think he wanted to say something like "I don't wnt to harm you, just go away".
P1: Doesn't matter. Better I shoot him before he makes his first attack. I shoot at the bear.
(We fight the bear, we kill the bear. Later: By some kind of dimension shift the party is now in the woods.)
GM: You see a giant toad sitting on a stone pile about fifty feet away. The toad is just sitting there as if it was stuck there.
P1: I shoot it with my bow.
(Sceptical pause.)
P2: Please no! Don't do it again!
P5: We had enough trouble with that bear!
GM: So, if he wants to shoot it, then let him shoot it... Any other actions this round?
P3 (A paladin): I go to the toad and say "We come in peace"
GM: O.K. Shoot your arrow, P1. (It hits.) You go to the toad and say "We come in peace". It answers "Please don't hurt me" when P1's arrow hits the toad in its shoulder.
P4: Great action.
P1: How could I know?
(Later, P1, P2 and P3 are seperated from the rest of the group.)
GM: You are searching for the rest when you see lizard warriors with swords and laterns moving in your direction.
P1 (making peace sign): Peace.
P3: That's not the right time for jokes.
P1: Jokes?
P2: Start thinking. Lizard men. With swords. Coming closer.
P1: Well it could have been...
P2 and P3: No!
P1: What time is it?
GM: You look at you digital wrist watch and you see that...
Situation: The party is wandering through a wood.
GM: Suddenly, five huge brutes with clubs jump out of the shadows and surround you.
P1: I draw my sword.
P2: I draw my club (It was a barbarian, so what do you expect?)
P3 (with a voice that reminded me of something between RoboCop and T-800): Identify yourselves!
(Short pause)
P1: Identify yourselves?
P3: Well, I had to say something...
P2: You could've said something like "I draw my mighty sword and attack the biggest one!".
GM: You enter the dark caves which are called "The haunted caves of..."
P1: Action Man the greatest hero of the world!
Situation: After a long fight the party pays much gold to be healed.
P1: Whoops.
P2: What is it?
P1: I just saw that I had five healing potions in my backpack.
P: I am Caine. Do you want my blessing?
(Background: The player had a new "Priest of Pain". Because we wanted to start with the adventure, we didn't have much time to search for a proper name)
Situation: The party (2 Paladins and one Barbarian) meet in a tavern for the first time. Then one of the Paladins is about to start a fight with another Paladin.
P1 (the Paladin not involved in the fight): Wait, I gotta go to the toilet. (The real player had to go, not the Paladin)
P2 (the second Paladin): Do you mind if we go on?
P1: No no.
P3: I climb to a higher psition to watch the fight. (He crashes on the floor. After some tries he finally makes it.)
(P1 fights with the unknown Paladin and loses. After the fight P2 enters the room and is told about the fight.)
P2: Hey! What did I do in the meantime? I would have tried to stop the fight.
P3: Zombie.
(P3 tries to come down again. He makes some dice rolls.)
P3: Whoops...
GM: I think our Barbarian friend crashes again...
P3: Yup.
P2: Hey you aren't able to say that! Your vocabulary consists of "Ugh" only.
Situation: We're playing a high-level campaign. P1 makes a new character (I don't know the exact name, but you can find it in the Complete Fighter's Manual or however it's called. It is some kind of mixture between a fighter and a thief.) and may pick two magical items: A Ring of Invisibility and some Boots of Youcannothearme (Don't know the exact name). P1 started in the woods and now enters the town. The rest of the party is sitting in a tavern.
P1: I go into a tavern.
GM: You enter the tavern where, by chance, three adventurers are sitting at a table (the rest of the party).
P1: No no. I want to use the back door.
GM: O.K. You go through the back door where you see the "barkeeper". He hasn't seen you yet.
P1: I activate my ring of Invisibility and my Boots of (blabla) and draw my sword. Then I kill the barkeeper.
GM: Uh... Well O.K. The barkeeper screams and drops to the floor.
P2 (A thief): Are we able to hear the sound?
GM: Yes you are.
P1: I de-activate my magical items. Then I take some of the clothes of the barkeeper and put them on.
GM (smiling): And then?
P1: I go into the tavern and have a closer look at the cashbox.
GM: O.K. You (He points at the rest of the party.) see how a man enters the room, wearing bloody clothes which are VERY similar to those worn by the barkeeper. He is going to the cashbox.
P3 (A fighter): Hey you! Who are you and what do you want with that cashbox?
P1: I'm... umm... Oh yeah. I delivered the beer for tonight.
P2: In bloody clothes?
P1: That does it! How much money is in the cashbox?
GM: You find 13 silver coins.
P3 (from player to player): You killed a barkeeper for 13 silver coins?
P1: Oh shut up. How could I know?
P4 (Another fighter): Well, let's make a deal. You pay us so we may forget this little incident...
P1: Oh why not. I give each of them 4 silver coins.
GM: Four?
P2: Cool. That leaves you with one silver coin.
P1: WAIT! I give each of them two silver coins! And then I go to my home in the other inn.
P2: I follow him.
P4: I go to the local " guards".
(P1 finally enters his room, followed by P2.)
P2: I knock at the door.
P1: I don't open him.
P2: I shout: Hey open up! I got a present for you!
P1 (from player to player): You think I believe in that old trick?
P2: Well, my present is 50 cm long and very sharp...
P1: I draw my sword and open the door. Do I see him?
GM: Yep.
P1: I close the door again.
P2: I use my foot to hold it open.
P1: Your fault. I ram my sword into his foot.
GM: Your foot hurts VERY much.
P2: I pull my foot out of the door.
P1: I close the door and activate my magical items. Then I leave the room and go down the stairs.
GM: You (He points at P2.) see that the door opens and closes again.
P2: Ummm...
P1: Then I de-activate my items and go up again. I look very surprised: "Oh! What do you want here? I just came back from the town and now I see you here..."
P2: (Talking to GM.) Do I really have to believe this?
GM: Not really.
(There's a small fight and finally both players are surprised by the guards.)
Situation: The party is standing at the edge of a cliff.
P1 (a fighter): I use my rope to get safely down.
P2 (a wizard): I cast Levitation and fly down.
P3: I use my blanket as a sledge.
(Pause)
GM: Did I forget to mention that the cliff is totally vertical?
P3: You have said so. But I slide down and jump off some meters before I hit the ground.
GM: And then?
P3: I will only receive the damage from the height I jumped off.
GM (confused): That denies all laws of physics. You will end in a little pool of blood and bones.
P3: I can look up the rule in the books if you don't believe me.
GM: Look it up. Do you mind if we continue in the meantime?
P3 (reading): I don't mind.
GM: O.K. P1, you are slowly climbing down the huge - vertical - cliff. P2, you slowly glide towards the ground when suddenly -
P3: Whooops, wrong rule!
GM: - P3 passes you and ends in a small pool of blood and bones.
