IN STITCHES...
...
Humor
Page
12/24/98: You Might be from a Small Town, if......
From
Mary Grayce Wright and Cheryl Reid West
(Altered
slightly so as to 'custom fit' Jal)
Just for fun, let's see if we can add some original lines to this
list.
Submit your line(s).
New,
Original Lines will be Printed in Blue.
YOU MIGHT BE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF......
You can name everyone you graduated with.
You can take an aerial photo from a step ladder.
(Reed Norwood)
Your graduation lasted 20 minutes
"You are entering" and "You are leaving"
city limits signs are on the same pole.
<wrnorwood@TWLakes.net> Reed Norwood
You get a whiff of manure (or sour gas) and think of home
You wore the same uniform
your older sibling wore in school sports or band.
<rmartin@esc18.net> Roger Martin
You know what 4-H is
The same homecoming floats were used from year to
year. (Roger Martin)
You could walk through the entire county fair (or clear across town)
in 15 minutes
Important messages were left lying around on desktops.
(Roger Martin)
You ever went to "headlight parties"
You know the name of your neighbor's dog.
<nmcconnell@sundown.isd.tenet.edu>
Nelda Wood McConnell (NWMc)
Your busiest intersection did not have a stoplight
Your neighbor leaves a key to her house, so your
"company" can stay there. (NWMc)
You used to "drag" main
You can recite the menu and prices from the local
hamburger joint. (NWMc)
You noticed when there was a new car in town
The local radio station broadcasts the names of people
who were arrested, fired,
hired, or divorced in the past week. (NWMc)
You said the "f" word and your parents knew within the
hour
You can see the water tower from any residence in
the city limits.(NWMc)
You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers,
since you knew which ones would
bust you and which ones wouldn't.
You know the names of the people who painted "go
team" on the water tower.
(NWMc)
You ever went cow-tipping
The golf course only has 9 holes. (NWMc)
You went to an auction as a social gathering
You think kids who skateboard are weird. (NWMc)
You ever partied with a guy who was 25, had no job,
but was the "buyer" for all of
the best parties
You had parties at that same guy's house
The town next to you is considered 'trashy' or 'snooty',
but it is just like yours. (NWMc)
School gets canceled for state sporting events
It's cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
(NWMc)
The town social events are the childrens' events
You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1975
as 'rich'. (NWMc)
You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew
how old you were (and if you were old enough
they'd tell your parents anyway)
When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buysmokes, you
still had to go out to the country and drive
back roads to smoke them
Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old hags
that met each Tuesday at the beauty shop
to discuss the latest smut
You were ever in the Homecoming parade
You have ever gone home for Homecoming
You fixed up to go buy milk lest anyone started the rumor that you had
gained weight or quit taking care of yourself
No place sold gas or beer on Sunday
Friday night's fun consisted of standing in line for the one-screen theater,
and since it was sold out, watching truckers
and drinking coffee at the truck stop (or any place open
after 10 pm)
You had to drive an hour to go to the doctor
It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town
You ever went for a walk in the cemetery, while on a date
You ordered your wardrobe from a catalog
You had senior skip day
The whole school went to the same party after graduation
You didn't give directions by street names or house numbers, but by references
(turn by Whitworth's Hardware, go two blocks
past the Recer's, and it's on the street behind
the Baptist Church
When you talk about ordinary occurrences in your hometown, big city friends
start
laughing and say, "You did WHAT?"
You actually went to the post office to get your mail
You had to pray you had enough people to make a varsity football team
You recognize five or more different types of oil field equipment and can
tell what each is used for .
Almost everyone had two names (Bobby Joe, Norma Jean)
From Gina Brewer: 08/21/98
Feeling
Old......Baby Boomers???
The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1980.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not
know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has only been one Pope.
They can only really remember one president.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the
Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
"The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
CCCP is just a bunch of letters.
They have only known one Germany.
They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up.
Tienamin Square means nothing to them.
They do not know who Qadafi is.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.
Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic.
They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "you sound
like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned
a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of Pong.
"Star Wars" looks very fake and the special effects are pathetic.
There have always been Red M&Ms, and Blue ones are not new. What do
you mean there used to be beige ones?
They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never
actually seen or heard one.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
ZIP codes have always had a dash in them.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen
a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs but they have no idea what Beta is.
They can not fathom not having a remote control.
They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.
They don't remember Watergate.
Roller-skating has always meant in-line for them.
They have never heard of King Cola, Burger Chef, The Globe Democrat, PanAM
or Ozark Airlines.
The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
They have never seen and remember a game that included the St.Louis (Football)
Cardinals, the Baltimore Colts, the Minnesota NorthStars, the Kansas City
Kings, the New Orleans Jazz, The Minnesota Lakers,the Atlanta Flames, or
the Denver Rockies (NHL Hockey, that is).
They do not consider the Colorado Rockies, the Florida Marlins, the Florida
Panthers, The Ottawa Senators, the San Jose Sharks, or the TampaBay Lightning
"expansion teams".
They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football
player. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II or even
the Civil War.
They never saw John Belushi on Saturday Night Live.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk
amile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. is.
I Dream of Jeannie, My Three Sons, The Brady Bunch, Laverne and Shirley,
The Carol Burnett Show, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Cosby Show,The Facts
of Life, Silver Spoons, The Love Boat, Miami Vice, WKRP in Cincinnati,
and Taxi are shows they have likely never seen.
They don't remember "Happy Days" and they don't know who Fonzie
is.
They think Marcus Welby, M.D. is the new doctor in the local medical center.
The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
They cannot remember the Cardinals ever winning a World Series or even
being in one. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places,
not groups. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They think they invented "Big Hair".
They think the legal drinking age has always been 21.
Elvis was gone before they were born.
They don't remember draft cards.
They've never heard of a dentist that didn't have "laughing gas".
They've probably never seen nor driven a Ford Pinto.
They don't know what a Datsun is (or was).
They've never known life without computers.
Most have never used a manual typewriter.
Do you feel old now? Remember, the people who don't know these things will be in college this year.
From Gina Brewer: Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1998
FAMOUS DOG QUOTES
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck
From Jerry: --- 07/14/98 This was sent to me via email. I'm sure the girls who took Home Ec back in the "good ol' days" will get a kick out of it.
Preparing Girls for Married Life
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life. **********************************************************************
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dustcloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
********************************************************************** Now the updated version for the '90s woman. **********************************************************************
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voicemail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!
5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile ... this way he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will really show you care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.
10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.