Carolyn Heilbrun expected to dislike older age. Instead, at age 72, she is reveling in it. A professor of English literature at Columbia University for more than 30 years, Heilbrun is a noted scholar; feminist and author.She has written literary criticism, biographies of Gloria Steinem and Christopher Isherwood, and the feminist classic Writing a Woman's Life, among other books. Recently she wrote four of her Amanda Cross detective short stories in six months. These were written after the publication this year of the collected stories of Amanda Cross.
In her newest book, The Last Gift of Time: Life Beyond Sixty, Heilbrun reflects on her surprise at the pleasures of aging, including her 53-year marriage to economist James Heilbrun.
NEW OPPORTUNITES
When I reached my 60s a dozen years ago, I realized that growing older could be a great new adventure. I resolved not to waste my time trying to look and act young, but to learn to fully appreciate the good things that come along with growing older. I found many...
Suit yourself. Reaching a certain age endows us with the privilege of pleasing ourselves more. Ask yourself every morning, "What do I want to do today? Why do I do everything I do?" I asked myself those questions after a couple of dinner parties some years back and never went to another one.
I stopped dieting at age 55 when I faced the fact that to stay thin - and I was never lithe - I would have to live on 1,200 calories a day. Well, that's lunch. And, I had no intention of doing a lot of exercise.
After four decades of scholarship, I have lost my taste for reading critical literature. I swim happily in biography and fiction, especially English fiction. It's fun to read the books I never had time for and reread the ones I've loved best..
Friendship. This was the key and perhaps the greatest gift of my 60s. Connections with older people show us where we are going (or where we'll go if we aren't careful).
It's also especially important to cultivate people 10 to 20 years younger than oneself. They are much more "in the world" than our peers and older friends, and this keeps us vibrant, interested - and interesting.
Romance and sex. Society pressures people to fall in love and have a baby. It's too bad that when people (especially women) wish for a new adventure at any age, they continue to wish for romance. Society, literature and the movies don't offer anything else that so all-consuming. Finding new love is possible, of course - but love isn't the only experience worth savoring.
If we could discover a word that meant "adventure" but not "romance," we in our late decades could free ourselves from the compulsion to connect yearning and sex.
Marriage. Marriage tends to work provided the couple share a deep affection, don't have unrealistic ideas and both have their own lives. The mistake we all made was to expect our husbands to be everything to us. Solid companionship is plenty. We can fulfill other needs with friends and work.
Memory .After age 50, our memories return constantly, like slides popping up with the click of a button at an art lecture. The tiniest thing, and we're back in a scene. But every time we allow a memory to occur, we forget to look at what is in front of us. Letting yourself drop into the past, even a happy time, becomes fatal to being alive. You can rethink the past but you can't redo it.
New intensity. The greatest oddity of one's 60's is that if one dances for joy, one always supposes it is for the last time. Yet this supposition provides the rarest and most exquisite flavor to one's later years.
When I do something I love, the sense that I may be doing it for the last time adds intensity, while the possibility of doing it again is never quite eliminated.
Taking chances. I know a number of women in their 80s who won't take the subway or go out at night. Preventing trouble is the prime factor in their lives. Granted, living in New York City, as I do, is a special challenge. But fearfulness can creep in with age if we let it.
Options were once limited at age 50, but no longer. Older people can develop new muscles, run marathons, go back to school. If that's what you want - do it!
Retirement. Find something difficult to do that will demonstrate progress. If one's 60s are to be devoted to a particular task, it must be in keeping with the tone and substance of one's previous work.
Listen to your children. Your children were adorable as babies, but isn't it fun to talk to them now? With a grown child, you can actually have a conversation.
Our children don't want advice about how to raise their own. Let's not tell them we know better. Life's so different today that we probably don't.
Be "on-line." I would like to put a computer and modem in the home of everyone over 65. Do you complain that people don't call you enough? Buy a cheap used computer with a modem and hook up to E-mail. You can buy a setup for practically nothing.
You'll be thrilled with your on-screen correspondence all over the world at a flat, low monthly fee. Your grandchildren will communicate as never before.
It makes a huge difference to have a computer-savvy relative, neighbor or friend. If none are available, somebody's teenager will probably be able to help you out.