The Caffeinated Cross (A Javacrucian Ritual)
By Karl LempkeThe following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of
parchment
lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a
musty,
dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadn't been disturbed by
the
presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal
of effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and
research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird
script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by
someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters.
Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled The Mystery of the StarBuck
Caffeinated Cross
Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical
brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness.
Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone: LATTELower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel: MOCHA
Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder: CAPPUCHINO
Bring it across to your right shoulder: FRAPPUCHINO
Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra:
ARABICA, OH MAN!
Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:
BEFORE ME, MRS.OLSONBEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ
AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B
AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS
FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA
WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH
Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee
Bean.This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like.
To end the ritual face the east, put the cup
to your lips for one last sip and intone :
GOD/S/DESS, I NEEDED that!