The Caffeinated Cross (A Javacrucian Ritual)
By Karl Lempke

The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of
parchment
lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a
musty,
dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadn't been disturbed by
the
presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal
of effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and
research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird
script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by
someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters.
 

Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled The Mystery of the StarBuck
 

Caffeinated Cross
 
 

Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical
brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness.
Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone: LATTE

Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel: MOCHA

Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder: CAPPUCHINO
 

Bring it across to your right shoulder: FRAPPUCHINO
 

Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra:
ARABICA,  OH MAN!
 

Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:
BEFORE ME, MRS.OLSON

BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ

AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B

AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS

FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA

WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH

Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee
Bean.

This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like.
 

 To end the ritual face the east, put the cup
to your lips for one last sip and intone :
GOD/S/DESS, I NEEDED that!