Men & Women of the 4077th 


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Hawkeye Quotes

Henry: Pierce, are you scared?
Hawkeye: Don't be silly. I'm too frightened to be scared.

Hawkeye: The Major happens to be the Korean distributor for crapola.

Hawkeye, receiving a needle: I want mine in my tushie.
Margaret: What?
Hawkeye: Derriere! The back of my front! The fleshy part! I can't take pain, I can only give it!
Margaret: All right, lower your trousers.
Hawkeye: I thought you'd never ask.

You ever had one of those wars where everything goes wrong? -- Hawkeye

Hawkeye, standing in boxers, a T-shirt and bathrobe: Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

Hawkeye: Without love, what are we worth? 89 cents. 89 cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely.
Henry: That means my marriage is only worth $1.78?

Hawkeye writing home: Korea's pretty much the same story: the fighting goes on, the hatred, the violence, the senseless brutality, men behaving like animals - and then there's the war.

Hawkeye: How 'bout a little kiss for the road?
Margaret: Oh, don't be ridiculous!
Hawkeye: Then how 'bout one for me?

Insanity is just a state of mind. -- Hawkeye

Hawkeye: How do they expect us to win a war without shuttlecocks!?

I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions -- Hawkeye

He's got eyes in the back of his stethoscope. -- Hawkeye

Hi, good-looking, get sick here often? -- Hawkeye to Margaret

For your condition you are in great condition -- Hawkeye

Always trust your car to a man who has a star -- Hawkeye

I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun! -- Hawkeye

I told you the food here should not be taken internally. -- Hawkeye

Okay, Radar, state your business, in one word or less. -- Hawkeye

Well, what's the slop du jour? -- Hawkeye

If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy. -- Hawkeye

The way I see it, the army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off. -- Hawkeye

I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the A-train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take five. -- Hawkeye

This is the first case of teenage male menopause. -- Hawkeye

Halloween in Korea -- bobbing for shrapnel. -- Hawkeye

Come on stupid, don't play dumb with me! -- Hawkeye

Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I never lose anything. Have you seen my stethoscope? -- Hawkeye

Henry, you are bursting with something, your face could open a branch smile! -- Hawkeye

She's offered her body to science. Time and time again. -- Hawkeye

How can you kick out this little puppy of a person? -- Hawkeye to Frank about Radar

Sit down, Trap, it lets you use your best part. -- Hawkeye

After the war I am having a bust made out of your head, or, possibly, the other way around. -- Hawkeye to Margaret

It's Frank's birthday, I wonder how old he is. Let's saw him in half tonight and count his rings. -- Hawkeye

Frank, can I borrow your doctor's diploma? They are a little short in the latrine. -- Hawkeye

Ugly color, 40 years out of style, fits like a tent? It's a class A uniform alright. -- Hawkeye

You know what time it is? It's quarter to dead! -- Hawkeye

It's the first time I've seen orange juice labelled "freshly killed". -- Hawkeye

I am going to name my first wife after him. -- Hawkeye about Radar

Us? Put in cement? We are doctors, not dentists. -- Hawkeye

I can't do it, I'm not a psychiatrist. I am not screwed up enough. -- Hawkeye

A device is yet to be invented that will measure my indifference to this remark. -- Hawkeye

The only thing Charles remembers fondly from his childhood is his hair. -- Hawkeye

Any father of Margaret is a father of mine. -- Hawkeye

Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp through the woods, lies in a ditch on the edge of town... -- Hawkeye

You know you're beautiful when he's angry -- Hawkeye

Besides one of us is in love with Henry, and I think its me! -- Hawkeye

Forward...Drink! -- Hawkeye

You have a fever of 109 stroke 10, you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza to go, unless of course you go first. -- Hawkeye

Praise the Lord and pass the sauce! -- Hawkeye

What a unique device, the human tush. An architectural wonder, one of a kind...actually two of a kind. Designed to support our weight for a lifetime of sitting it also has the subtlety to do the samba. And when attached to certain members of the female species at a time when light summer dresses are worn can cause some of us to drive our cars straight up a lamppost. - Hawkeye

I'm a life long Anglophile. England is still the only place I know where any young man can grow up to be the Queen -- Hawkeye

Let's shoot him and put him out of our misery -- Hawkeye

I don't mind eating if it's possible to make a martini sandwich. -- Hawkeye

I'd like a dry martini, Mr. Quoc, a very dry martini. A very dry, arid, barren, desiccated, veritable dustbowl of a martini. I want a martini that could be declared a disaster area. Mix me just such a martini. -- Hawkeye

I'm reminded of a story, you've probably heard it. The king and queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs. Their son Jack remarked how strange it was that they only had two hearts between them. And just then his sister Little Deucy and her dog Tre started singing "Four Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," whereupon the whole family beat her to death and buried her with two spades. -- Hawkeye

I am the essence of overconfidence! I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution; the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle buzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life. I am appetite! -- Hawkeye

We'll get around him or my name isn't whatever my name is. -- Hawkeye

Never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do -- Hawkeye

Hawkeye: The army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of the charges, they have assigned him to a veterans hospital in Indiana and promoted him to Lieutenant-Colonel.

Let's see. Jacket, sweater, robe, sweater, sweater, shirt. I'm practicly naked. -- Hawkeye

Hello, excuse me. Attention out there, would corporal Radar O'Reilly please report to his going-away-party? All of your friends would love to see you, while they can still see you. -- Hawkeye over PA

You just have to kill germs, you don't have to hang around for the funeral. -- Hawkeye

I get the feeling I'm speaking in ever-diminishing circles as I disappear up my own mouth hole. -- Hawkeye

Round and round they go, here comes your cards, there goes your dough. -- Hawkeye

You look like an ad for death -- Hawkeye

Ours not to question why, ours not to let them die. -- Hawkeye

They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Trapper went home and they're still coming..... Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out.. -- Hawkeye

A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums. -- Hawkeye

Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn. -- Hawkeye

The younger they get, the older I get. -- Hawkeye

Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then --- then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naiveté, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you. Why don't you grow up for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder -- if possible, without going crazy. Period. -- Hawkeye

Listen, Colonel, um... Sherman. You can give me 100 good reasons to leave, and I can't give you one good reason to stay. Stay anyway. -- Hawkeye

Beej, you oughta sit back sometime and listen to the war. It sounds as bad as it looks. -- Hawkeye

Hawkeye: In this particular Mobile Army Hospital, we're not concerned with the ultimate reconstruction of a patient. We only care about getting the kid out of here alive enough for someone else to put on the fine touches. We work fast and we're not dainty, because a lot of these kids who can stand two hours on the table just can't stand one second more. We try to play par surgery on this course. Par is a live patient.

Hawkeye, overwhelmed with work: My kingdom for an intelligent octopus!

Hawkeye to Margaret: I hope you realize this means we're engaged.

Hawkeye: I loved a girl in San Francisco once. No, twice.

Hawkeye: Grandfather left me his lips. He died in mid-pucker.

Hawkeye: It's a semi-free country.

Hawkeye to newly arrived B.J.: Don't forget this is your first day at school. The worst part is you'll get used to all of this.

Hawkeye: Bite your tongue, Margaret. Or better yet let me do it.

Hawkeye to a Korean family, as he tastes their stew: Meat, where did you get meat?? Wait a minute. Where's the dog? (he hesitates until the dog barks offscreen, then relaxes)

Hawkeye: As a doctor, I can assure you we'll all be a lot warmer if we press our bodies together. So let's all line up here: girl, boy, girl... and the rest of you are on your own.

Hawkeye on the war: In case you haven't noticed, this is ugly. This is not exciting.

Hawkeye: You know, the trouble with machinery is that charm doesn't work on it.

Hawkeye: I can't say that I've loved you all. But I've loved as many of you as I could!!

Hawkeye: Frank was once the innocent victim of possession. Through some tragic error they exorcized the nice guy and left that.

Hawkeye on Radar: He's both the child and pet I never had.

Interviewer: Do you see anything good at all coming out of this war?
Hawkeye: Yeah. Me. Alive. That would be nice, if I could get out of this alive.
Interviewer: You've been here some time.
Hawkeye: Sometime between sometime and eternity.
Interviewer: Is there anything from home that you brought over with you to set up for yourself? Creature comforts?
Hawkeye: I brought a book over.
Interviewer: What book?
Hawkeye: The dictionary. I figure it's got all the other books in it. I like to read the dictionary.
Interviewer: What do you feel was the most difficult thing you had to adjust to over here?
Hawkeye: I think it's that everything is painted green. The clothes are green, the food is green - except the vegetables, of course. The only thing that's not green is the blood - the blood is red... that's what you get the most of here.

Hawkeye: I believe my life is about to pass before my eyes.
Potter: Let me know when it does. I love a parade.
Hawkeye: Even short ones?