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Editorial
Ten Years On - Love Circle 97
Look No Further - Love Circle 173
Calling TLC (Tender Love Circles)
Christ In My Spouse
The Weekend Encounters
Christ In Hosting Couples
A Happy Marriage. Huh?
Testimonials On M.E.
Facts About Marriage
Living In The Fast Lane
"Encounters" Encounter Encountered
On 21 May Marriage Encounter (ME) celebrated its 18 years in Singapore with an anniversary mass at the Church of the Risen Christ. The theme was "Marriage - An Encounter with Christ". The topic held special meaning to Love Circle No 97, which has journeyed into their 10th year and whose members took prominence at the Mass by leading in Intercessory Prayers. Taking the same cue, Love Circle No 173 met recently to focus on their "Encounter with Christ".
John & Marie, our beloved ME/Engaged Encounter (EE) presenters, were one of four couples interviewed by The Sunday Times for a feature titled "Getting Married Again 25 Years On". Not to be outdone, this editorial team gives you an "exclusive" on how they live and love as one, sometimes at different altitudes and latitudes.
From toothpaste to houses, marketers claim they are selling us a "lifestyle" out of the ash and cement these stuff are made of! As we buy into various "lifestyles", how mindful are we of tipping the balance between a comfortable life and a healthy relationship? Well, if you have been "living in the fast lane", it's time to pull up by the side to reflect and dialogue with your spouse on your priorities. The mistakes committed by "hell riders" and "road hoggers" hold some good advice in the following pages. We look forward to hearing some of your own discoveries or should we say, recoveries.
Time for our little commercial: If you know of any married couple who needs a little direction or lift in their journey of life, do share with them your own wonderful "Encounter with Christ" through ME. Keep spreading the word to couples who may benefit from the Weekend. Let your love and concern for them beam through the haze as PSI (personal satisfaction index) seeks new heights.
Finally, thank you for the continual influx of notes of encouragement, frank sharings and comments. They spur us on so keeping them coming. For more speed, less haze, you can chat with us at our Website: "http://web.singnet.com.sg/~mespore/"
Next issue of Encounters will be published in early 1998. Till then, we wish you a beautiful & Meaningful CHRISTMAS !
DIALOGUE TODAY: At this time, do I see myself as having a balanced lifestyle? What are my feelings about my answer?
If you uncover a "revelation" through this dialogue and wish to share it with us, please put in the mail to The Encounters, c/o 5 Derbyshire Rd #09-05, Singapore 309461 or by email to Anthony & Helen
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Jonathan & Patricia: Our Love Circle's 10th anniversary in May coincides with this year's ME Anniversary. In 10 years we have grown - spiritually as individuals, as couples, as families. We doubt we would be so united if not for the Love Circle activities. "God Does Not Make Junk" has helped us overcome our low self-worth. We encounter Christ in each other over these years as we open our hearts to discover and cherish each other for who we are. The relentless commitment of our co-ordinators, Dennis & Rosali this far.
Francis & Geraldine: We continue to encounter Christ in our Weekend presenters. Through their encouragement, they helped the group remain together all these years.
Lawrence & Jobina: We encountered Christ when the group was approached to lead the intercessory prayers at the ME Anniversary mass. It was a calling, to be empowered to love more deeply, intimately and faithfully to reach the fullest of matrimonial happiness.
Dennis & Rosalind: We too encountered Christ when the couples in our group so spontaneously and eagerly agreed to lead the intercessory prayers. We felt honoured indeed to be chosen. It was our group's response to the Lord's call to "Love One Another As I Have Loved You". We pray that through God's intercession, our 10- year old Love Circle will inspire other Love Circles to strive and grow together in the years ahead. We pray that all couples will not settle for mediocrity or complacency. We pray that God's grace will make us aglow in His love so as to be a shining light and beacon of hope for generations to come.
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Look No Further - Love Circle 173
Love Circle 173 responded with enthusiasm to the call to share their "Encounter with Christ in Marriage". However, as the weeks ticked by, many were still unable to express in words. Just before our Love Circle meeting, Peter & Christina (facilitating couple) chanced upon John 4:1-42. In this chapter, Jesus dared to challenge the world's views, he dared to change. He wasn't bothered with what others might think of him. The woman at the well took time to listen to Jesus, a Jew! In the heat of the day, with Jesus and the woman trying to satisfy their physical needs, they sat by the well to talk as well as listen.
On the night of our meeting, Peter & Christina could not make it to the session and the hosts were caught without a program. Turning to scripture they selected John 6:1-15 and on the multiplication of loaves became the focal point of our discussion.
We sat in a circle by the light of a candle listening and sharing. The Love Circle meeting was our "well" and here like the woman at the well, we took time to talk and to listen. We were giving life to ourselves and to one another. We came for the meeting with nothing but through our sharings we offered willingly the little that we had. We spent more time listening and discovered that it is not so much what we had but what we gave. The Love Circle provided us the fellowship where we brought the little we had with no expectations other than the desire to meet our friends. In our midst, the Holy Spirit descended upon us and the mystery unfolded. We experienced Christ through each other. We came with little and we left fulfilled and extremely loved. Through each of us Christ continues to work, multiplying our loaves and fish and ensuring that there was always plenty left over. We thank God for this Love Circle and more so, we thank God for the experience.
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Meeting for *Tender Love Circles - 29 October, Wed (eve of Deepavali) 8.00 pm, ME House, 17th Ponggol Avenue.
(*TLCs are younger thus tender Love Circles formed from August 1996 onwards). There are many of you who have been to a ME Weekend but are not part of a Love Circle. Here's your opportunity to belong to one and enjoy the benefits from each other's TLC - tender loving care.
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Christ In My Spouse
By: Dominic & Margaret
Margaret: Loving Dominic is loving Christ for Christ has commanded us to love one another. Marriage is a wonderful sacrament. Through our spouse we experience Christ daily, in the ups and downs of our daily life. Through the ups and downs we share the joys and sorrows of Christ. Sharing and caring for each other reflects our love for self and for our neighbour, and ultimately for Christ. When I make a sacrifice for Dominic, I unite my effort with Christ's, emulating His greatest gift to mankind, the sacrifice of His life for us. When I am hurt, intentionally or unintentionally by my spouse, I remember Christ's passion and agony on the cross. Hearing Christ's call "to forgive because they know not what they do", I make all efforts to forgive my spouse. Seeing Christ in Dominic makes living much more joyful and worthwhile. In union as husband and wife, we encounter Christ in the gift of creation, our children - God's gift to us in the union.
Dominic: I see marriage as a gift from God. Margaret is God's gift to me, to be loved and cherished. I was reminded of this most vividly at the ME Weekend and a urge of gratefulness to God for His love, grace and care came upon me. With this new awareness I experience the love of Christ through the love, concern and care Margaret showers on me and our children. Through her hands I am, therefore, able to experience the intimate touch and love of Christ. Experiencing love in this way moves my spirit and I want to thank, worship and praise God. I now see the sacrament of marriage as a gracious institution of God. God in His mysterious and gracious ways reaches to us in the most intimate way through our spouse. By treasuring our marriage union we come to know and experience God first hand.
Dominic & Margaret (co-ordinators of Love Circle No 173) on Love Circles: Loves Circles help us keep our romance alive. Romance makes suffering for each other so much easier to bear.
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Thomas & Seleana: In July 1994 we attended the ME Weekend, at the invitation of friends. We were then non-Catholics. It was at this Weekend that we encountered Him in our marriage. We encountered Him in the team couples on the Weekend who openly shared their feelings of love for their spouses. In their sharing their struggles to stay romantically in love, they communicated Christ's love to us through their words and their actions. We saw the meaning of Christ's message of love through the testimonies of these couples' daily living. We saw the meaning of dying for one's friend; we saw the meaning of suffering; most of all, we saw the meaning of resurrection.
The Weekend left us with a craving - a craving for a more meaningful marriage. Thus begun our journey to discover Christ for ourselves. Through others in our Love Circle we were encouraged to join the RCIA and were later baptised.
We have now discovered that Christ is the Life who gave us our salvation, the Truth who taught us love and the Way who guides us to the Kingdom of God. We feel really blessed and transformed. We thank those who helped, those who gave us the vision of Christ in their lives. Living in community with other couples, we have learnt to encounter Christ in our marriage.
Stanley & Esme: The ME Weekend changed our whole outlook of marriage. Since that auspicious day, we realise that it is in this journey of ups and downs that our couple relationship becomes a sign of God's love. Yes indeed, marriage is an "Encounter with Christ" - a daily encounter with Him through our spouse.
Robert & Stella: Marriage is a magnificent call to love totally and unreservedly. When we sacrifice our comforts and pleasures, and make our spouse our number one, we are being Christ to our spouse.
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Christ In Hosting Couples
By: Food & Hosting Group
We encounter Christ in our many couples who leave behind house work in their own homes to come to the Weekend. They work behind the scene so that others will benefit from the Weekend. These hosting couples never know how much they have touched the lives of others. Without them, the Weekend will never be the same.
Our Group, who is responsible for co-ordinating Hosting Couples for Weekends, played host themselves at a "High Tea" held at Holy Spirit Church in September 1997. It was attended by about 20 hosting couples and their children. There were about 66 people in total, and Emcee Andrew & Irene held them spellbound by their wit and humour . There was a strong sense of esprit de corps during this show of appreciation to the group of VIPs. Each brought a little but there seemed to be plenty fun, games and prizes and chance to interact and encounter Christ in each other.
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A Happy Marriage. Huh?
By: Rowland Croucher
Some interesting aspects of a happy marriage (yes, they do exist):
* Commitment of one imperfect person to another imperfect person. So it is not a 50-50 affair but a full 100% that gives both ways! It is a commitment beyond sexual fidelity; it is a commitment to grow; and to become persons God intended us to be.
* Loving Acceptance even before I change. In the story of the prodigal son, the prodigal son is valued as highly as the loyal son. In marriage, we love one another whether or not one changes; nothing is unforgivable. Nothing will stop me loving you - you can count on me for that. A good marriage is, therefore, a union of two forgivers; it is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness.
* Respect is to treat my spouse with courtesy and dignity even when I don't feel like it. Our fundamental human need is a true deep love of self; and a genuine and joyful self-acceptance. Marriage calls us to transcend that need to our partner's needs, and pleasures must take equal, if not superior, status to our own.
* Intimacy is God loving us even before we deserve to be loved. He loves us even though he knows us intimately. So in a good marriage we strive to be utterly transparent with one another - we learn to 'know' and love the other with their imperfections and faults; not after the faults are removed.
A good marriage is both a Mystery and a Miracle. It depends less on finding the right partner than being the right partner.
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"Married couples can create a climate for experiencing God's love together", says Fr Vern Trocinski, pastor of St Stanislaus Church in Winona, Minnesota. In a publication "Sharing God's Love in Marriage", he identified some of these ways:
1) Take time alone as a couple to share feelings
2) Listen in order to communicate a caring presence
3) Read scripture and pray together
4) Show affection to each other
5) Forgive in the right way and the right time
6) Tithing to express trust in God
7) Participate in support group for married couples
8) Share in all areas of married life.
J McManus, a writer, referred to "Marriage Encounter as the best marriage saver" in his book of the same name. Michael & Harriet described their experience of the ME Weekend in Spring 1976 as a Weekend that literally changed their lives: "... (after a decade of marriage) we fell back in love with one another but at a far more profound level than anything we had experienced before. We felt we had been on a honeymoon, one designed by God to bond us together in a transcendental marriage. The impact of the Weekend has been permanent because we learned a new form of soul-to-soul communication that has deepened and enriched each day of our marriage in the years since."
It was because their marriage was so irrevocably uplifted and transformed that motivated Michael into writing his book, "Marriage Savers". Michael further stated that surveys carried on Marriage Encounter showed that eight or nine out of every ten couples who attended a Weekend fall back in love with their spouse.
Dr James C Dobson, a Christian psychologist whose radio programme, "Focus on the Family" is the most widely aired show (more than 1,700 radio stations) in America, confessed that he attended ME "for professional reasons, not expecting to get anything relevant" since he felt that he and his wife Shirley didn't need any help at all in communicating. After the Weekend, however, he had this to say: "I just wish that everyone who trusts my opinion would now accept this advice: Attend a ME Weekend at the earliest opportunity. ME gave Shirley and me the opportunity to occasion the deepest, most intimate exchange of feelings we had known in 20 years. The Weekend experience proved to be one of the highlights of my life."
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* Most women are engaged in a life-long search for a strong nurturing father-figure while most men marry a wife to find a responsive nurturing mother-figure. Marriage fights are usually more about the past than the present. Many people marry to find a kind of paternal/maternal love from our partner and this complicates a marriage relationship.
* Marriage breakdowns do not happen because of differences; they happen because a couple can't handle those differences. If pride and prejudice were set aside, most difficulties could be resolved in five minutes.
* Relationships do not cause conflict: they bring out whatever incompleteness we have within us.
* Gentle assertiveness is called for "speaking the truth in love" and asking about feelings that underlie the difficulty
* When money is tight, couples fight.
* There is no incompatibility as long as he has income and she has "pat-ability".
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Living In The Fast Lane
By: Don & Rita Kainz
(adapted from "Matrimony" magazine)
Today's buzz word is BUSY. We seldom have enough hours in the day to do all we want and need. How do we actually spend our time? How do our attitudes and behaviour influence our choices?
Much of our time is spent in the routine of everyday living. We have 86,000 seconds in each day. On the average each of us will spend eight years of our life opening junk mail, one-third of our life sleeping, seven years in the bathroom, five years standing in line.
We identified six categories for prioritising our time. They are financial, intellectual, physical, family, social and spiritual. To visualise how we spend time and what our priorities are, we created, "Our Priority Wheel". We cut a circle into six wedges to represent the percentage of time spent in each type of activity. As we plotted our Priority Wheels, we found Don's top priority was making money and financial success. Rita's efforts at keeping shape physically and understanding the financial aspects of our lives ranked on the low side. We both had lop-sided priorities. That indicated a lack of balance in our individual lives and our life as a couple.
Probably the reasons for our priorities being out of balance are the internal and external influences in our lives. Each of us has certain family traits which influence the way we live. Don's family saw life as rather serious. "Get your work done first, then you can play" seemed to be the motto. Rita's background was more in the realm of "life shouldn't be too serious" and "let's have a good time!" Fair play and being accepted were important for both of us as we grew up.
Our society continues to influence our lives as we respond to keeping pace with modern technologies like computers, fax machines and the Internet. The competition is so keen in the business world that it becomes difficult to keep Christian values and beliefs in the forefront. The tug and pull is very strong. We see our children trying to sift and sort what is good and wholesome in our society. In many ways we've all bought into consumerism and materialism as a way of life. Another influence on the way we prioritise our lives is the attitudes we develop and use. For Don the attitude of success at all cost is very strong. He contin ps us from striving for a more balanced life as we act out of fear, uncertainty and doubt in ourselves and each other.
Striving to live a lifestyle with dialogue as the glue that helps us focused on one another is indeed very significant and important. As "living in the fast lane" continues to challenge us, the tool of dialogue helps us keep in touch and not get totally trapped by the attitudes and behaviours promoted and stimulated by our culture. We believe dialogue is the ingredient which helps us fine-tune and adjust on a daily basis as we share feelings with one another.
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"Encounters" Encounter Encountered
By: The Happy 25's
John & Marie
Editorial Team: When you married each other, what were your dreams
then?
Marie: We had a beautiful courtship. We were filled with love and passion
for each other. We were young and idealistic and hoped to live a fairy-tale
marriage.
John: That was a long time ago when I was not well-to-do, and dreams were more about getting ahead, about simple goals like making a four-figure salary by the time I was 40. By today's standards, the dream of getting ahead might appear materialistic and morally selfish, and inflation has made a four-figure salary an unrealistic goal.
ET: At that time, did you ever talk about what it would be like
celebrating 25 years of blissful marriage.
Marie: We had never talked about celebrating 25 years of marriage.
Although our dreams for our marriage were very positive, we lived with
two harsh realities of life. The first - not all marriages are happy. John's
parents separated soon after their 25th anniversary. The second - not all
spouses have a long life. Quite a number of John's good friends and trainee
students in the flying squadron died young. We lived our marriage one day
at a time. With this element of uncertainty, we never planned for long
term.
John: During the first five years after we were engaged, I lost 29 colleagues, and not expecting to return home from work was a reality that could happen any day. We got used to living one day at a time, and our separation each morning was filled with that awareness. A blissful marriage was not something I had seen lived out within my family, close relatives or friends. Nine out of 10 marriages that I had seen seemed to be a never-ending series of fights, hardship, separation, trouble or extra-martial involvements. I did not expect my marriage to be any different and so I was initially very reluctant to get involved in marriage. Until I met Marie. With her, marriage was a worthwhile endeavour.
ET: We read in your interview with The Straits Times that John
had a knack of always placing little surprises for Marie to discover when
you were away. Was there anything mundane about living 25 years together?
John: During our courtship Marie was the one who would always buy the
surprises. I never received gifts as a child so I did not buy her gifts.
I would write her little poems and make little cards for her. Through dialogue,
I grew to understand that for Marie, giving surprises was a way of expressing
love. I was the self-worth seeker and Marie sought love.
Marie: I understood that for John surprises were not a measure of love. Love, praise and affirmation were more important to him. We now give to each other what we need to feel loved.
Marriage should never be mundane. We always look for new horizons to explore in our relationship. There are always new things to discover about each other. What we have learnt about each other yesterday will not be the same tomorrow so there will never be a point in time that we will know each other fully. We are constantly growing in awareness.
ET: How do you complement each other in the family?
John: Marie has a very positive outlook on life. She has the ability
to encourage the kids and give advice. Everyone who knows us well will
understand how different we are, and I think this difference is complementary
- what I miss, Marie picks up.
Marie: We never make the decisions for our kids. We guide them and hope they make the right decisions. We are very open with each other, and we encourage our kids to speak freely as well. We believe that in the family environment, all of us should have the freedom to be ourselves.
ET: What do you do when your spouse is in low spirits?
Marie: When John is in low spirits, he retreats to his cave to think
things over. I help him by giving him his quiet time to himself to figure
things out. I provide his favourite refreshments - coffee, ice cream and
tao suan (local dessert).
John: When Marie is in low spirits, she needs to feel loved. I would pay attention to her, give her lots of hugs, be attentive and present to her - perhaps take her out for a drive, lunch, shopping or to a movie. Over the years, I think we have worked at understanding each other's needs and patterns of doing things.
John: Religion does supplement the health of our marriage but I think
that religion has more to do with forming a "filter" through which I see
life in general. Religion is a foundation upon which my principles are
formed. As a twig is bent, so the tree will grow. Because I have laid this
foundation during my formative years, it is unlikely that any one event
(like a visit to a hallowed shrine) or the state of matrimony would be
seen by me as an encounter with Christ. Christ is already in me and with
me, no matter what I do.
ET: During one of our earlier meetings with you both, we remembered
John saying, "having no time for God is an excuse." John, you are constantly
away from home. When you in Singapore, we're sure you would rather spend
the time with your family. How do you "make" time to be available to the
ME, EE and other church work?
John: Gee, I cannot remember saying that but that just goes to show
what age does to my memory! We actively make choices about how we spend
our time, and our "filter" through which we see the world around us strongly
influences our choices, eg about how we spend our time for the ME movement.
Even before we were married, we were both committed to church work. Now
we do it as a couple, for the good of couples. It is just a matter of choice
and trust in God that while we are doing His work, He will look after "the
other things" that we constantly worry about.
ET: What keeps both of you motivated?
As we look back, we see that it was necessary for us to go through the
storm of turbulence to get to where we are in our relationship now. The
bliss in our marriage before ME was superficial. It was like opening a
Pandora's box: There were so m l always worry about our children. But we
live with the hope that we have tried our best to be the best role models
and shared with them our thoughts and values about marriage. We always
pray that God will guide them to make the right choices in life and that's
about all we can do.
ET: To help young couples living a long-distance relationship,
what advice would you offer? How do both of you cope with loneliness, absence
of the other?
Initially, loneliness is difficult but over an extended period of time,
you get more used to it because you learn to cope and find things to keep
yourself occupied. A very important factor is that you must have a couple
goal to enjoy the time you have together. If one spouse is interested in
building relationship and the other is just interested in catching up on
hobbies, then the relationship will be strained.
In a long-distance relationship, it is also important to establish clear
guidelines about what you want to achieve together, without wasting time
guessing what your partner wants. When we come together after a period
of separation, renewing our couple relationship is top priority, followed
by family relationship, then seeing to our ME/EE commitments. It is not
easy to have a long-distance relationship and fulfil all the ME/EE obligations
but we believe that even when we offer the little that we have, it can
make a difference.
ET: John, tell us about the song you serenaded to Marie on your
25th anniversary dinner.
"As I look back, twenty-five years ago
You're my oak tree in a raging storm
Now we're here saying "I do" again
I want to thank you for all you've been to me
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This file updated on 6-September-99
Marie: Yes, according to our religion and ME motto: "Love one another
as I have loved you", we must be prepared daily to go that extra mile for
each other. This is our guideline of living our sacrament. We give to each
other the gift of ourselves, beyond what is convenient and comfortable.
This is Christ's example to us. If we follow this example, we will encounter
Christ in our midst and have intimacy in our relationship.
Marie: We have very little time to give to the ME and EE community.
Our priorities are: our family, our "Sunday night" couples who are currently
in the Bridge process, our Love Circles, ME and EE workshop. We are not
"visible" in the ME and EE community but spend a lot of time doing work
in the background. We give up time for our own rest and relaxation for
couples who need us.
Marie: We had a more "blissful" marriage before ME. After our original
Weekend, our marriage became more turbulent with higher expectations of
each other and unpreparedness to face our negative feelings and thoughts.
Our journey towards acceptance was difficult because we were both strong-headed
and believed that our personal views were correct. The discovery that two
people can have opposite points of view and yet be correct from their own
stand point was invaluable to us. Quite often we have to agree to disagree.
This frees us to share more openly instead of fearing the possibility of
a conflict.
J&M: It is difficult to live a long-distance relationship. The
main ingredient to sustain such a relationship is individual independence
- both emotionally and physically. Yet this is the very ingredient that
can destroy your relationship! We have to make a conscious effort to slide
back and forth from individual independence (when we are apart) to inter-dependence
(when we are together). If we continue to be self-reliant when we are together
we will end up like "married singles".
John: Marion, Marie's sister, "conned" us into answering her mambo-jumbo
questions about love, relationship, etc on the pretext of working on one
of her projects (she is a Moral Education specialist/ instructor). Marion
used our input to compose a song whose verses were intended to be sung
alternately by Marie and myself. However, Marie, being humble with her
evaluation of her singing capability, left me stranded to do this song
by myself:
I recall how things were not so smooth
You didn't know what I wanted
I didn't know what you needed
Yet somehow we made it through with love ... Now ...
You're the sunshine that fills me up each day
You're the laughter from deep within my being
You're the gentle wind that leads me on.
But this time, we know what it's all about
We know there are no perfections
We now have no illusions
And somehow we'll make it through with love.
I want to thank you for all I've come to be
Through the years we've learnt a lot
Made mistakes and grown in love
I thank you for being one with me."
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