Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 2/19/2012 @19:02 EST re the Heart
Attack Grill in Las Vegas:
And in the middle of consuming a triple patty burger with
12 slices of bacon and a heap of cheese, a male customer
had a heart attack.
The consensus is that the patron's heart attack was a publicity stunt
conjured up by the proprietor. The only "medical" evidence came
from a waitress named Bridget costumed as a nurse. – Editor
Ted Fiskevold, graduate cum laude of Bemidji State University and resi-
dent of Detroit Lakes, Minnesota, wrote Sun 2/19/12 @12:43 CST:
It was the Bemidji Woolen Mills that Rick Santorum visited.
Many Minnesotans (the same ones who say "woursch ma-
chine" for washing machine) put a little bit of r between the
e and the m, or between the B and the e, and say "Buhrmid-
ji" or "Bruhmidji." In the same vein the town Two Inlets be-
comes "Twinlets"; the French Canadian town of Roseau is
rhymed with Bozo (kind of like "Glazgo," and would never
be recognized as anything French by Inspector Clouseau);
New Prague is New Prag (rhymes with brag), people from
Alexandria live in "Alec" not "Alex," and anybody who is hip
to Minnesotan refers to Detroit Lakes as "DL."
The state election commission voted 4-0 to keep Rick
SanctimoniumSanatoriumSantorum on the Republican
presidential primary ballot even though he did not get e-
nough signatures on petitions filed in Marion County (In-
dianapolis), and to allow Richard Lugar to run for re-
election as senator even though he has lived in Virginia
since 1977. . . .
State Representative Bob Morris of Fort Wayne wrote a
letter to fellow Republicans calling the Girl Scouts a "tacti-
cal arm" of Planned Parenthood, promoting abortion and
homosexuality. . . .
A move to return Indiana to the Central time zone was ta-
bled in a legislative committee. . . .
A 2-year-old boy in day care at the Praise and Worship
Assembly of God church in Indianapolis drowned in the
baptismal pool. . . .
Fall classes will begin on August 20 at Indiana University.
[courtesy Associated Press]
Residents of a Daviess County precinct voted 21 to 21 in a
local option election, and a 50-cent piece tossed by County
Clerk David “Oz” Osborne landed tails up, deciding that the
precinct would remain "dry" (65 of the 82 precincts in the
county, which contains Owensboro and the Wathen's bour-
bon distillery, are "wet").
[courtesy Owensboro Messenger-Inquirer]
Conservators applied new patina to Rodin's Thinker at the U-
niversity of Louisville (said to be the "first cast from the original
sculpture," whatever that means).
[courtesy Courier-Journal]
"You stupid little brat, it's a tomato plant!"
– Angela Cartwright, of Holly Hill, Florida, who
caught a 15-year-old boy who thought he had
stolen a pot plant from her kitchen window
"Then go North!"
– Jeanetta Girard, our screaming Southern Baptist
(see first item in Borf's weekly bonus, below)
"Snow and rain continuing throughout the day . . . ."
– John Campbell, WKYU-FM radio, Bowling Green, Ky.
(it wasn't snowing or raining when he said that, at 8:30 a.m.;
it hadn't, and it didn't – if he or the weatherman who wrote
the script had looked out the window, they might have known)
Dakota Fanning, 18Borf's weekly BONUS:
Ellen Page, 25
Louise Woodward, 34
Kurt Rambis, 54
Lieberman, 70
Joanie Sommers, 71
Renata Scotto, 78
Abe Vigoda, 91
A committee of the Southern Baptist Convention recommen-
ded adding "Great Commission Baptists" to the denomination
name, for the benefit of churches uncomfortable with the term
"Southern." . . . Amanda Knox's Italian boy friend Raffaele
Sollecito was negotiating with publishers to sell his own mem-
oir on his alleged non-role in the murder of Meredith Kercher.
. . . A Swede was rescued from a car buried in the snow for
nearly two months. . . . Oliver Stone's son Sean (now Ali)
converted to Islam in Tehran. . . . Virginia's House of Dele-
gates passed a "personhood" bill conferring human rights on
embryos (it died in the state senate). . . . Six weeks after sign-
ing the Shark Conservation Act, President Obama had lunch
at a restaurant in San Francisco, California, that serves shark-
fin soup. . . . The Trinidad Moruga scorpion was deemed the
hottest pepper on earth by the Chile [sic] Pepper Institute at
New Mexico State University (it burned through latex gloves
of those assigned to pick it). . . . A Scotch musician was bitten
"down under" (in the testicle) by a tiger snake while urinating in
a Tasmanian garden (it was not reported whether he was wear-
ing a kilt – but it was reported, Edwin, that a male companion
refused to suck out the venom). . . . German academics voted
"shitstorm" the most useful English loan word of 2011. . . . A
BBC weather man forecast "bucket loads of cunt" for central
England. . . . Adele flipped the bird at the Brit awards. ... Chan-
dra Bahadur Dangi, 72, of Nepal, will be measured by Guinness
World Records for designation as the world's shortest man, at
1 foot, 10 inches. . . .A court in Cincinnati, Ohio, ordered a man
who trashed his wife on Facebook to apologize to her on Face-
book. . . . A woman in Sioux City, Iowa, got a chicken McNug-
get at McDonald's that appeared to her to resemble, no, not Je-
sus, and, no, not the Virgin Mary, but, George Washington
– and she's selling it on e-Bay to help her church. . . . The Su-
preme Court declined Phil Spector's appeal.
[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]
Two British boxers engaged in fisticuffs at a press conference after
a bout in Munich, Germany, in which only one of them fought (and
lost). . . . The Denver Bronco who didn't get the job Tim Tebow
got apologized for saying Tebow's expression of faith didn't "seem
very humble to me" and other unflattering things about America's
favorite Christian quarterback. . . . Major league baseball arbitra-
tors reversed the 50-game suspension of National League most
valuable player Ryan Braun for using testosterone. . . .A former U-
niversity of Virginia lacrosse player was found guilty of murder in
the death of a girl friend who had a relationship with another lacros-
se player. . . . A Tabloid Headlines poll: Which is more amazing?
That basketball star Jeremy Lin of the New York Knicks is (a) an
Asian-American or (b) a graduate of Harvard?
I am down to my last nerve with my husband of 30 years. He hasDear Disgusted:
become a lazy slob I can no longer tolerate. The last two years he
has worked a total of six weeks, and he has taken only one show-
er in the last four months, which also was the only time he changed
his clothes. I work full time, and "Evan" sits in front of the TV all
day long. He does not care that I am struggling to pay the bills.
He seems to be a hypochondriac also but refuses to see a doctor
for any of his supposed symptoms. I think my only option now is a
divorce and not to worry about what happens to him. What are
your thoughts?
Disgusted and Tired of Being Used
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Ideas for a Better America Box 413 The Columbus Book of Euchre Brownsville KY 42210 War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer (270) 597-2187 Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher Natty Bumppo, writer/editor |
J. Ewing wrote Sun 2/12/12 @10:19 EST:
The Southeast Christian Church of Louisville is attended
by an average of 22,500 every Sunday? Can the alleged
attendees wear ankle bracelets, with GPS capabilities, so
that this claim can be documented? Then SCC of L'ville
can donate $25 to the ACLU for every claimed member
found still curled up in bed on Sunday.
Len wrote Sun 2/12/12 @11:23 EST:
What's a "Super Bowl"? Will it hold an entire box of corn
flakes?
Publius Leget wrote Sun 2/12/12 @13:47:56 CST:
So, what does silver reflective tape do for the safety of Amish
buggies in the daytime?
D. Hopkins wrote Sun 2/12/12 @14:04:26 CST re the new Indiana
law allowing people to resist police entering their homes illegally:
Who wants to be the first to test it?
Four voters challenged Rick Santorum's appearance on the
presidential primary election ballot because he fell eight sig-
natures short of the number needed from the congressional
district containing Indianapolis.
[courtesy Associated Press]
Kentucky Opera conductor Joe Mechavich quit rather than
lead non-union musicians in a production of The Merry Wid-
ow. . . .
Governor Stevie named Daviess, Warren, and Woodford
counties "work ready communities" and Russell County as
getting ready (designation criteria include high school gradua-
tion rate and "digital literacy"). . . .
The state Arts Council designated Horse Cave, Paducah, Be-
rea, Covington and Danville as seats of cultural districts (de-
fined as "well-recognized, labeled, mixed use areas of com-
munities featuring high concentrations of cultural amenities that
attract local residents and visitors alike").
[courtesy AP]
As Governor Stevie submitted a budget cutting state university
funds by 6½ per cent, the legislature was moving to add anoth-
er university to the system.
[courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
Kentuckians for the Commonwealth and their guests protest mountaintop removal and pipelines
at state capitol in Frankfort [photos for the Courier-Journal by Jonathan Palmer]
"Behave yourselves! Behave yourselves! Behave yourselves! Behave yourselves! Behave
yourselves! Behave yourselves! Behave yourself! Behave yourself! You are freaks and
animals! You are freaks and animals! Behave yourself! Behave yourself! Behave your-
self! Behave yourself! Behave yourself! Behave yourself! Behave yourself! Behave your-
self! Behave yourself! Behave yourself! Behave yourself! Behave yourself! Learn to be-
have yourselves! Stop raping people! Stop raping people! Stop raping people! Stop ra-
ping the people! You freaks! You filthy, filthy, raping, murdering freaks!"
– Andrew Breitbart, to Occupy Washington
"Why should I resign? The video I watched was of a woman
being raped by four people. It was not porn."
– Laxman Savadi, a minister in the Indian
state Karnataka, caught viewing the clip
with the minister for women and children
"It's a little creepy."
– Jim Haussler, public schools activities director in Bismarck,
North Dakota, speaking of the 250-pound "piggyback bandit,"
who has jumped on the backs of high school athletes in five states
"I don't give a shit."
– M.I.A., as she flipped the bird in her Super Bowl hip-hop halftime song
"Crack is whack."
– the late Whitney Houston
It is not acceptable to rhyme the second syllable of "Glasgow"
with "cow," but it is acceptable to pronounce the second syl-
lable of "Moscow" that way. And, the last letter of the first
syllable of "Glasgow" is to be pronounced as a z.
Sources: Random House and Oxford New American diction-
aries.
Caveat: All bets are off in Barren County (Glasgow), Kentucky,
and Rush County (Moscow), Indiana.
Molly Ringwald, 44Borf's weekly BONUS:
Hana Mandlikova, 50
Juice Newton, 60
Smokey Robinson, 72
Mary Ann Mobley, 73
Yoko Ono, 79
Kim Novak, 79
Jim McElreath, 84
Hal Holbrook, 87
Hugh Downs, 91
Apartment complex managers in Sioux Falls, South Dakota,
announced plans to use DNA to trace dog poop to its deposi-
tors. . . . Mormons baptized the late parents of the late Simon
Wiesenthal. . . . Rick Santorum toured a sweater-vest factory
in Bemidji, Minnesota. . . . Buildings burned down in rioting in
Athens, Greece, included a Starbucks and a theater once used
by the Gestapo for a torture chamber. . . . A mother who sur-
prised a Valentine's party dressed as Mickey Mouse caused a
school lockdown in Canfield, Ohio. . . . Amanda Knox signed
a $4,000,000 deal with Harper-Collins to write a memoir a-
bout her trial for allegedly not murdering a woman in Italy. . . .
Governor Chrissy ordered American flags flown at half-staff
for Whitney Houston's funeral. . . . The Heart Attack Grill in
Las Vegas, Nevada, was serving up a "triple bypass burger."
[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]
The sports (fair warning): Mary J.
Bilge will sing "The Star Spangled Banner" at the National Basketball Associa- tion "all-star" game next Sunday. Everest will do the Canadian national anthem. Nicki Minaj (who was so horrified at M.I.A. flipping the bird at the Super Bowl) will sing a medley of her hits as the players are announ- ced. And Pitbull, Ne-Yo and Nayer will perform at halftime. |
Nicki |
My wife, "Jane," has an identical twin sister namedDear Joe:
"Jordan." They're best friends. Jordan comes over
four or five times a week.
Jane has an 8-year-old son from a previous relation-
ship whose middle name is Jordan, after his aunt.
Now Jane is pregnant with our first child, and she is
determined to name it Jordan, regardless of its sex.
Don't get me wrong: I love Jane; I love her sister,
and I love my stepson. But, don't you think . . . ?
Joe in Toledo
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Ideas for a Better America Box 413 The Columbus Book of Euchre Brownsville KY 42210 War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer (270) 597-2187 Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher Natty Bumppo, writer/editor |
Len wrote Sun 2/5/12 @19:29 EST (you can tell he wasn't watching
the Super Bowl):
Regarding my comments recorded in last week's issue, I want to
make sure the record is clear that I am pro-banjo: I own and
play a couple of banjos, and I encourage banjo ownership as
guaranteed under the 1st and 10th Amendments (if not also the
2nd). My humorously intended mention of a banjo in reference
to your idiot Senator Rand Paul was not meant to disparage this
fine tradition in any way.
FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 2/5/12 @11:10 PST re last week's "basket-
ball hotties":
She could give me a tongue lashing any time.
In a state court of appeals hearing over a New Albany policeman's
suspension for saying, "The biggest mistake that government made
was giving those people civil rights," his attorney argued that the re-
mark was not racist.
[courtesy Associated Press]
The Kentucky Opera scheduled The Merry Widow this week
with orchestra to be staffed byscabsamateurs as Louisville Or-
chestra musicians remained without a contract. . . .
The owner of a gay bar in Louisville unnerved a large number of
his constituents with an internet posting of an image likening the
President to a chimpanzee. . . .
Jefferson Starship was booked to play Louisville's annual Beatles
festival in late May (they wouldn't say who makes up the band
these days, but here's a pitture):
[courtesy Courier-Journal]
Otis "Bullman" Hensley, who campaigned for governor in 2007
riding a fiberglass bull around the State Capitol to emphasize his
slogan "Get the bull out of Frankfort" (Hensley got out when: he
came in last), rode around the Capitol in a coffin last week to
suggest that "the economy is killing us." . . .
The Southeast Christian Church of Louisville, attended by an av-
erage of 22,500 every Sunday, begins televising its services to-
day to reach out further. . . .
The state senate approved a bill that would allow the Amish to
mark their buggies with gray or silver reflective tape instead of or-
ange triangles for safety.
[courtesy AP]
"My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time."
– Gisele Bundchen (Tom Brady's wife)
"It was the Giants' second Super Bowl victory in the last four years."
– Dave Mattingly, National Public Radio (not
quite: February 3, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011,
February 5, 2012 – funny way to say "five")
Sheryl Crow, 50Borf's weekly BONUS:
Robert Wagner, 82
Leontyne Price, 85
Kids Rock baby shirts saying, "Help, I'm being kidnapped!
These are not my parents!" were pulled from the market. . . .
Another gun show attendant shot himself in the leg, in Savan-
nah, Georgia. . . . The Manneken-Pis, a statue of a boy uri-
nating in Brussels, was shut down by sub-zero temperature.
. . . One-fourth of American cats were termed obese. . . .
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie called a gay state repre-
sentative a "numbnuts." . . . A West Virginia college student
sued for injury he said was caused by the detonation of a bot-
tle rocket in another student's rectum. . . . The Dutch bedding
company Snurk designed covers resembling cardboard box-
es (and tried to placate critics by donating profits to the home-
less). . . . The "morning after Plan B pill" was being dispensed
from a vending machine at Shippensburg University in Pennsyl-
vania. . . . A drug cartel posted a banner in Guanajuato, Mexi-
co, warning a rival gang to keep its hands off the Pope when
he visits next month. . . . A motorist in Ashland, Massachu-
setts, was arrested for tossing a handful of pennies into a car
that had honked at him. . . . Some didn't get the pro-immigrant
joke when a populist Mississippi legislator introduced a bill to
change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America.
. . . A teacher's aide in Brooklyn, New York, videoed himself
spanking a naked child and fondling another in a classroom. . . .
The entire 120-person staff of a Los Angeles, California, ele-
mentary school was dismissed in a case of lewdness that inclu-
ded semen-coated cookies. . . . Officials had to deny that fris-
bee and football had been banned on beaches in Los Angeles,
California (National Public Radio's Steve Inskeep was among
those who broadcast the falsehood).
[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]
A Broadway play, Magic/Bird, will recall the rivalry and friend-
ship of basketball's Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. . . . Ameri-
can League baseball's Oakland A's, who were previously the
Kansas City A's, who were previously the Philadelphia A's,
sought permission to move to San Jose (where they would be
known as the San Hose A's?).
I am a college freshman. My sister is a sophomoreDear Connie:
in high school, and I am on good terms with many
of her friends, including "Jessie," who recently mes-
aged me on Facebook that she had transferred to
a private school because the public school "wasn't
good for rebels." She said she drank, attended cra-
zy parties, often did her homework while "hammer-
ed" and was writing me during Spanish class. I told
my sister. She said if I sent this to Jessie's parents,
it would cause a rift, and I should send it to Jessie's
school instead. What should I do?
Confused
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Ideas for a Better America Box 413 The Columbus Book of Euchre Brownsville KY 42210 War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer (270) 597-2187 Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher Natty Bumppo, writer/editor |
First thing that comes to mind is a banjo. On his knee. – Len Zanger
That "sexy blonde" fresh from "boozing in the arms" of the
captain of the Italian cruise ship. – Connie Harbeson
A vial of Aqua Buddha. – Stephen Yates
Never mind . . . . – Len
Promoters feared state law prohibiting package liquor sales on
Sundays might crimp today's Super Bowl festivities. . . .
Secretary of State Charlie White, the state's chief election offi-
cial, was convicted by a Hamilton County jury of three counts
of voter fraud, two counts of perjury and one count of theft in
his own election in 2010, and consequently lost his job (the
theft charge related to his taking a salary as town councilman
in Fishers even after he had moved into his girl friend's house
out of town). . . .
[courtesy Indianapolis Star]
[courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
Fresh from passage of a
"right to work" law, the
state senate approved a
bill to allow the teaching
of "creationism" in sci-
ence classes.
[courtesy
Associated Press]
Ayanna Brown took the
cake in Indiana Regional
Yoga Asana competition
in Clarksville.
Quotation of the week:
A back yard "therapeu-
tic playhouse" built for a
3-year-old with cerebral
palsy ran afoul of home-
owners association regu-
lations in Lexington.
[courtesy Lexington
Herald-Leader]
Occupy Louisville's Cur-
tis Huffines sports Mitch
McConnell mask in pro-
test of Defense Authori-
zation Act, which allows
the indefinite jailing of
terrorism suspects with-
out trial. . . .
Former University of
Kentucky basketball
star Richie Farmer ap-
plied for unemployment
benefits when his sec-
ond four-year term as
elected state agriculture
commissioner ended.
[courtesy Courier-Journal]
"Don't quit your day job."
– Simon Cowell, to Mitt Romney
(actually we made that one up – Ed.)
Jennifer Yates, 39Borf's weekly BONUS:
Dan Quayle, 65
Melanie, 65
Marty Balin, 70
Philip Glass, 75
Carol Channing, 91
By a vote of 193 to 0 the Pennsylvania House of Represen-
tatives proclaimed 2012 the "year of the Bible." . . . Fuzzy
boots were banned at the Pottsdown, Pennsylvania, middle
school because students might hide cell phones in them. . . .
A woman strode topless down the middle of Main Street in
Monongahela, Pennsylvania, and was taking off her pants
and throwing her shoes at other people when arrested. . . .
A Chicago tax lawyer concluded that Newt Gingrich had
cheated on his taxes. . . . Forbes magazine concluded that
Warren Buffett's secretary makes $200,000 to $500,000 a
year. . . . The cat of a Democrat Arkansas congressman's
campaign manager was killed and left at the family door with
"liberal" painted on its corpse. . . . A copyright held by the
State of Bavaria held up in court to prevent distribution of a
new publication of Mein Kampf. . . . K'Naan objected to
the use of his recording "Wavin' Flag" by Mitt Romney, at his
victory speech in Florida. . . . A Vermont prison inmate in the
license plate manufacturing section managed to spot a cow
with the image of a pig on a state police cruiser decal.
[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]
Basketball hotties!
[Louisville Courier-Journal photos by David R. Lutman]
[Courier-Journal photo by Sam Upshaw Jr.]
A high school footballer signed with Auburn instead of Clemson
because Clemson "had no Chick-Fil-A on campus."
I am a professional in real estate. Several years ago I had anDear Ruler:
accident that damaged my spine, and now I'm hopelessly ad-
dicted to strong pain medications. When the economy went
bad, so did my business, and we lost our health insurance. I
can't depend on my wife – she doesn't have a job. I've begun
to have suicidal thoughts. Please give me a new perspective.
Ruler of a Fallen Empire
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Ideas for a Better America Box 413 The Columbus Book of Euchre Brownsville KY 42210 War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer (270) 597-2187 Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher Natty Bumppo, writer/editor |