November 26, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
week's headlines:
hed2314.jpg Secret Service bodyguard breaks silence, My secret life with Jackie Kennedy, her public courage and private heartbreak (Examiner); Celebs find skeletons in family closets, Rihanna, Woody
Harrelson,
Jack Nicholson, Kerry Washington, Hidden siblings, lying parents
(Examiner); Meghan's new $20 million reality TV deal, Royals'
nightmare, Harry helpless, inside big payday (Globe); Wynonna &
Reba
TV catfight, Hollywood's bravest stars revealed, Harrison Ford
death-defying rescue, Dolly Parton put life on line, Shannen Doherty
against all odds, untold stories of grit & guts, more stories
inside (Enquirer)
Dumb news from
Indiana:
South
Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Antonio Ware, BM,
5'7", 175 lbs, domestic battery; Katelyn Trombay, WF, 5'5", 145 lbs,
coke;
Tyrezz Washington, BM, 5'6", 176 lbs, felon with handgun; Quyen Hunyh,
AF, 5'2", 120 lbs, burglary; Dequan Jackson, BM, 6', 170 lbs, Meth
Dumb
news from Kentucky:
Two Kentucky
colleges were listed among the worst in the
nation.
[courtesy
BrainSharper.com]
Thanksgiving
recipes offered by Head Start and kindergart-
en pupils in Edmonson
County:
"First, go hunt for
the turkey and kill it. Then you bring it in
the house and put some butter on it, and put some
barbeque
on it and – done! Cook the turkey in the oven. The
oven is
about 30 degrees. Cook it for 6 minutes. Serves 80."
– Benny Garner
"First, you have to go get the turkey. You shoot it and
then you
bring it home to cook it. You get it ready by cutting
its feath-
ers off and then cleaning it. Cook the turkey in
the oven at
20 degrees for about 3 hours. Serves 8."
– Connally Esters
"Where do you get a turkey? At Mom & Daddy's
house. Be-
fore you cook it we have to play, watch TV, take a nap.
Take
feathers off. We cook the turkey at 2 degrees for 2
hours in
the microwave. When the turkey is done? Eat
with Mommy
and Daddy and GIGI. I will sit at the table and eat
the turkey
with? Mommy and Daddy and GIGI."
–Weston Cruise
"Where do you get a turkey? Wal-Mart. Before
you cook it, we
have to . . . Nothing. We cook the turkey at
11 degrees for 2
minutes in the oven. When the turkey is done? Nothing.
I
will sit at the table and eat the turkey with?
Mommy, Dad-
dy, Raelee, Kinsley."
– Rylee Cowles
"Where do you get a turkey? Kroger. Before
you cook it, we
have to . . . Wash it, mash potatoes. We cook
the turkey at
72 degrees for 60 hours in the oven. When the
turkey is
done? Put gravy on it, apple sauce and milk.
I will sit at
the table and eat the turkey with? Mommy, Dad
& Baby."
– Keaghan Thornton
. . . and 159
others.
[courtesy
Edmonson News ("the Gimlet")]
zacharyt.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Zachary Troy Peyton, 26,
Bardstown, DUI, moto vehcle assault; Peggy Sue Brumfeld, 65, New Haven,
failure to
appear;
Denzel Amante Lydian, 37, Bardstown, shoplifting; Megan Danielle Stein,
32, Bardstown, controlled substances; Nathaniel Francis Mosgrove, 28,
Springfield, public drunk
Quotation of the week:
See dumb news from Kentucky, above.
Birthdays:
November 20: Judy Woodruff, 77
Joe
Biden, 81
Dick
Smothers, 84
Duane Allman (1946-1971)
Bobby Kennedy (1925-1968)
November 21: Björk
Guðmundsdóttir, 58
Goldie Hawn,
78
Earl "The Pearl" Monroe, 79
Marlo Thomas, 86
November 22: Scarlett Johansson, 39
Jamie Lee Curtis, 65
Billie Jean King, 80
Jesse Colin Young, 82
Jacob Cohen ("Rodney Dangerfield," 1921-2004)
November
23: Miley Cyrus, 31
Nicolás
Maduro, 61
Robin Roberts, 63 (this one,
not that one)
Bruce
Vilanch, 75
Luis Tiant, 83
Lew Hoad
(1934-1994)
Alfonso
the Wise (1221-1284)
Otto the Great (912-973)
November 24: Pete
Best, 82
Oscar Robertson, 85
Todd Beamer (1968-2001)
November 25: Barbara
and Jenna Bush, 42
Amy Grant, 63
Kathryn
Grant Crosby, 90
November 26: Tina
Turner (1919-2023)
Charles M. Schulz
(1922-2000)
Tabloid deadlines:
Rosalynn Carter, 96
jasenlee.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County
Sheriff): Roger Stewart Whitlock, WM, 35, probation
violation
(domestic battery); Nicole Mechelle Tisdale, BF, 47, attempted
aggravated robbery; Jasen Lee Perez, HM, 42, probation viol. (battery)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Scrabble
debated "brutaneer," "gratineed" and "horsefeatherses." . . .
The
Navy requested an increase from three to five in the number of
whales
it
can strike. . . . The
director of the Gaza Government Media office said
that of more than 30,000 injured people, 75 per cent were women and
children and that Israeli forces had killed at least 200 doctors, nurses and
paramedics, at least 51 journalists and media representatives, and at least
22 rescue
workers. .
. . A French senator was accused of drugging a fel-
low
lawmaker's drink
with the intent to sexually assault her. . . . The
man
who attacked Nancy Pelosi’s husband with a hammer said he had planned
to interrogate the former speaker of the
House while wearing an inflatable
unicorn costume. . . . Daryl Hall sued John
Oates.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
alejandr.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted): Drayton Joseph Sanders, WM, 37, 6', 215 lbs, ag family
assault; Teishma Nicole Monroe, BF, 43, 5'4", 230
lbs
(Yorkshire hog), joy riding; Marquis Ramon Dennis, BM, 28, 6', 124 lbs,
evading arrest; April Dawn O'Neal, WF, 41, 5'5", 145 lbs, theft;
Alejandro Sanchez, HM, 36, 5'4", 180 lbs, contr subst
Dear
Eleanor:
I am the youngest of
three sisters and have always
had a rough relationship with my mom and sisters.
I
don’t fit in. They are all about drama.
Recently I
received a call from my dad, asking me
to visit.
I was so stressed out the night before that I didn't
sleep. That morning I almost threw up
from such
anxiety. I never know what
I'll say that'll set them
off. I can’t ask them questions. Anything I
do say
gets used against me.
I have tried to give them a taste of their own medi-
cine, but that only seems to increase the bullying.
I want them in my life because they are my parents
and sisters, but I don't want to
walk on egg shells
around them.
We have gone two years without talking before, and
recently we went over a year with no contact. Times
I didn’t have them in my life were
amazing. My re-
lationship
with my husband flourished. I was not
stressed. My daughters did well because I was happy
enough to make sure they
thrived. I don’t know how
to go about explaining this to them in a
manner that
doesn’t set
them off, but I just don’t want them in my
life.
Do I need to explain why, or do I just flat-out go no
contact?
What
do I tell my dad? Do I block him
too, even
though he's innocent?
But he's never defended me.
It’s always
them against me. And Dad just stays out
of it.
Confused
by Family
Dear Confusée:
Dump 'em
all. Dad included. I never liked women
much, and my dad was an
asshole.
goschjes.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
Andrew Coffee, 41, no license; Jessica Gosch, 21, mj; Mortain
Rodriguez, 36, crim. trespass;
Devon
Manzanares, 22, marijuana; Malchiah Placede, 36, family violence; Jacob
Cooper, 35, pub. drunk; Alejandra Hernandez, 37, DUI; Cleophus
Williams, 66, crim. tresp.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church services at the Boiling
Spring
Church of Christ every Sunday. Guest
speakers lined up for meet-
ings in the near future include Jimmy Carter.
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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
November 19, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
week's headlines:
hed23113.jpg
New Supreme Court ethics rules, Clarence Thomas collapses after
1st day of regulating self (Borowitz); Matthew Perry: Inside his
final days (US Weekly); The Ultimate Guide to Taylor Swift: Fierce,
fearless, fantastic (one-issue special)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Anthony
Dean wrote Sun 11/12/23 @11:51 CDT:
Happy to see this edition
on my driveway today. Hope its
arrival means your circulation department has been restor-
ed to full operation.
.J. Ewing wrote Sun
@07:38 CDT re last
week's headline about
the King and Queen of England:
I have referred
to upChuck and Horseface as "Frail and Frumpy"
way before they were elevated to K&Q Consort.
Dumb news from Indiana:
Mayor re-elected;
Republicans retain control of Kokomo
.
[courtesy
Kokomo Tribune]
sheppard.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Jeffrey Sheppart, BM, 6'1", 250 lbs, domestic
battery (strangulation) (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.)
Democrat
Andy Beshear was re-elected Governor, but Re-
publicans won all down-ballot offices.
[courtesy
Bowling Green Daily News]
pursiful.jpg Lexington's most wanted, Adam Pursifull, WM, 39, 6', 225 lbs, parole violation (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
Quotation of the
week:
"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude
would
come into my house after dark."
– Dick
Gregory
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"Dyslexics of the
world, untie!"
– Leonard Simon
|
|
Birthdays:
November 13:
Caryn Elaine
Johnson ("Whoopi
Goldberg"), 68
Merrick Garland, 71
Steve Bilko (1928-1978)
November
14: Condoleezza Rice, 69
now "King" Charles
"III," 75
P. J. O'Rourke (1947-2022)
November 15: Lofa Tatupu,
41
Anni-Frid Lyngstad, 78
Petula
Clark, 91
Ed Asner (1929-2021)
November 16: Oksana Baiul, 46
Diana Krall, 59
Chi
Coltrane, 75
Garrett
"Garnet" Mimms, 90
November 17: RuPaul, 63
Danny DeVito, 79
Jim Boeheim, 79
Lorne Michaels, 79
Martin Scorsese, 81
Gordon Lightfoot (1938-2023)
Rock Hudson (1925-1985)
November 18: Megyn Kelly, 53
Margaret Atwood, 84
Alan Shepard (1923-1998)
November 19: Jodie Foster,
61
Calvin
Klein, 81
Ted Turner, 85
Dick
Cavett, 87
Larry King (1933-2021)
Tabloid deadlines:
Maryanne Trump
Barry, 86
essickky
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Witchita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County
Sheriff): James Kyle Essick Dahl, WM, 34, 6'3", 180 lbs, probation
violation
(opiates); Justin Myles Hecox, WM, 35, 6'0", 200 lbs, probation violation (opiates); Michael Ryan McCullough, WM, 46, 5'10", 140 lbs probation violation
(opiates); Richard Allen, WM, 44, 5'10", 160 lbs, parole vi. (damange); Colton Andrew Brown, WM, 26, 5'10", 175 lbs, probation violation (opiates)
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
28D
Retirement
home staff
Answer: CANE
[New Yorker l1/13/23]
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Marijuana
and abortion
were voted in in Ohio. . . . Tisdale, Sakatchewan,
was debating whether to abandon the slogan "Land of Rape
and Honey."
. . . Two South Carolina day
care workers were charged with running a
child fight ring. . . . A man in South Korea was crushed to
death by a ro-
bot mistaking him for a box of vegetables.
. . . Kim Kardashian was fea-
tured as Gentleman Quarterly's man
of the year. . . . A hiker missing in
Colorado was found dead with his dog still alive by his side.
. . . An Ala-
bama woman with a double
uterus was found pregnant in both. . . . A
Scotswoman who hitched
a ride in a 50-mile marathon in England not
only was disqualified from the race but also was banned from
marathons
for a year.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
shimanod.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted): Winston Reynolds Jan, WM, 28, 6', 160 lbs, car theft; Lindsey
Mae Collins, WF, 36, 5'2", 120 lbs, hindering apprehen.;
Shimano
Dennis, BF, 27, 5'1", 227 lbs (Yorkshire hog), probation violation
(c.s.); Felicia Lynn Medina, HF, 28, 5'6", 130 lbs, fabricating
evidence; Eli Ramos Jr., HM, 61, 5'8", 185 lbs, controlled substs.
Dear
Eleanor:
My father passed away several years ago, leaving his
house to my sister and me. .Since she wanted to live
in the house we
agreed that she would eventually buy
out my half (she couldn’t afford to do
this at the time).
Now, eight years
later, and she's still living there. If I
bring up the
subject, I get a "deer in the headlights"
look and feel she
will cry; so I let it drop.
Now that
my husband and I want to retire, I
will
need my half of the inheritance. What should I do?
Ready for the Next Step
Dear Ready:
Hire a lawyer.
You can force the sale of the property.
You and your sister and anyone else in the
world can
bid on it
giggersha.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
Jonathan Staker, 45, burglary, kidnaping; Shanae Gigger, 41, theft;
Nicholas Carthome, 18, upside
down
ears, burglary; Dianne Reilly, 52, controlled substance; Joshua Felix,
39, trespass; Melody Ramirez, 52, mobery; Ernesto Molina, 39, parole
violation; Lindsey Jass, 32, mobery
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church services at the Boiling
Springs
General Baptist Church every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for
meetings in the near future include Xi Jinping.
lifediam.jpg
"What a disappointment! This isn't my ball either!" Like most of us,
Bob had a hard time spotting a diamond in the rough. Life Saver Dude:
That's at least a triple bogey . . .
HOW TO
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But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
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exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
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you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
November 12, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket –
this week's headlines:
hed23112.jpg
Frail Charles renouncing the throne, fighting fatal disease, William
& Kate take over, Queen Camill's fury (Globe); Home is pigsty,
Britney buried in filth (Globe); Sweet plea deal ends
18-year
mystery, Natalee's killer gets away with murder (Enquirer); Shameless
Meghan seduces Costner (Enquirer), Furious Ohio Republicans report
widespread incidents of woman voting (Borowitz)
Dumb News from Kentucky:
huntjone.jpg Lexington's most wanted, Mark Hunt-Jones, 33, WM, 5'9", 150 lbs, wanton endangerment (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers}
Birthdays:
November 6: Sally Field, 77
Glenn Frey (1948-2016)
Guy Clark (1941-2016)
Stonewall Jackson (the
country music
star, 1932-2021; not
the Civil War
general)
November
7: Roberta Anderson ("Joni Mitchell"), 80
Johnny Rivers, 81
November 8: Lynndie England, 41
Bonnie Raitt, 74
Bonnie Bramlett, 79
November 9: Lou
Ferrigno, 72
Whitey
Herzog, 92
Mary
Travers (1936-2009)
Bob Gibson (1935-2020;
not this Bob
Gibson 11/16/1931-9/28/1996).
November 10: Miranda
Laambert, 40
Dave Loggins, 76
Donna
Fargo, 78
November
11: Leonardo
DiCaprio, 49
Calista
Flockhart, 59
Daniel Ortega, 78
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)
George
Patton (1885-1945)
Fyodor
Dostoyevsky (1821-1881)
November
12: Ryan Gosling, 43
Tonya
Harding, 53
Sammy Sosa, 55
Nadia
Comăneci,
62
Neil Young, 78
Booker T. Jones, 79
Charles
Manson (1934-2017)http://borf_books.tripod.com/TabHeads/TH2311.html
Grace
Kelly (1929-1982)
Tabloid deadlines:
Evan Ellingson, 35
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
"51A Cat calls?"
HEREKITTYKITTY
[L.A. Times 11/9/23]
earlydoll.jpg A rare early photo of Dolly Parton before she had plastic surgery and became a superstar
"If Tecumseh had succeded, the U.S. would end
rubenjim.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick
County Sheriff): Ruben Jimenez, HM, 19, 5'10", 230 lbs, narcotics &
marijuana; Brian Nathan
Lee
Brewer, American Indian male, 30, 6'2", 205 lbs, tattoos on neck &
face, teardrop tattoo under left eye, aggravated assault, dom. battery,
kidnap, feloon w/gun
Borf
's weekly BONUS:
Scientists said they had found Argoland,
a continent that is said to have
split off from Asia 155 million years ago. . . . A
woman trying to feed
an elk
in her yard near Kingman, Arizona, was trampled to death
by an-
mal . . . Bolivia cut diplomatic ties with Israel,
and Chile and Columbia
recalled their ambassadors. . . . King Charles delivered a speech
about
Britain's abuses during its colonization of Kenya but
offered no
apolo-
gy.
[courtesy
Harper's,
LEX18,
AP]
Dear Eleanor:
My fiancé and I are planning our
wedding and have
chosen two of my cousins (ages 8
and 14) to be ush-
ers
Instead of having a traditional
flower girl, we deci-
ded to have my fiancé's cousins
(aged 3 to 6) be the
"flower gremlins." My family is very upset at this
and is on the brink of cutting me out of
the family.
They wanted my 8-year-old cousin
to serve as flow-
er girl. They didn’t realize that my fiancé
has other
family members that we wanted to also be involved
in our wedding.
We explained to them that
my cousins will still be
just as inolved in our wedding as the "flower
grem-
lins."
They will get ready with the rest of the bridal
party, get
corsage/boutonnière, and take pictures
with us.
They've cut out family members
before. I was alrea-
dy warned by
my mom that if I don't mend relations
with my family, then I will meet the same fate.
My fiancé and I are very hurt by
their reactions and
want nothing more than their love and support.How
can I mend my relationship with them?
On
the Brink
Dear Brinkwoman:
How 'bout you let your
8-year-old cousin be
"flower girl" and keep the "flower gremlins"
as well?
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But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
November 5, 2023:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket –
this week's headlines:
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Anthony Dean wrote Sun 11/5/23 @19:42 CST:
What's become of today's Tabloid Headlines?
Thanks for asking. Our Thunderbird e-mail program crashed – we
lost templates, drafts and recent inbox and outbox messages. Here's
a partial restoration.
– Editor
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"Taylor Swift came to my house offering me super-
sex; and I asked, 'What kind of soup?'"
|
|
Dumb news from Indiana:
"If Tecumseh had succeded, the U.S. would end
Birthdays:
October 30: Ivanka Trump, 42
Henry
Winkler, 78
Grace Slick, 84
October 31: Jane Pauley, 73
Tom Paxton, 86
Dan Rather, 92
November 1: Coco Crisp, 44
Lyle Lovett, 66
Richard "Kinky" Friedman, 79
Gary Player, 88
Larry Flynt (1942-2021)
November 2: K. D. Lang, 62
Pat Buchanan, 85
Ken Rosewall, 89
Shere Hite (1942-2020)
November 3: Kendall Jenner, 28
Colin Kaepeernick, 36
Rosanne Barr, 71
Lulu, 75
Ken Holtzman, 78
Roy Emerson, 87
Bob Feller (191832010)
November 4: Puff
Daddy, 53
Delbert McClinton, 83
Loretta Swit, 86
Dick Groat, 93
Walter Cronkite
(1916-2009)
November
5: Tatum O'Neal, 60
Peter Noone, 76
Art Garfunkel, 82
Elke Sommer, 83
Gram Parsons (1946-1973)
Ike Turner
(1931-2007)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Frank Howard, 87
Bobby Knight, 83
Matthew Perry, 54
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Bolivia sevred relations with Israel, and Chile and Colombia rercalled
their ambassadors. . . . King Charles delivered a speech about Britain's
abuses during the colonization of Kenya but did not offer an apology.
. . .
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Dear Eleanor:
I'm a
14-year-old boy, and my mama scolds and
punishes me
when I beat off in bed and soil the
sheets.
What can I do?
Horny Rory
Dear Whorny:
Get you
a teen-age girl friend and fill her up with
your soilent.
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TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
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exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett