January 14, 2024:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket –
this week's headlines:
Dumb news from
Indiana:
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Kentucky's was one
of nine statehouses evacuated over a false e-mail
bomb threat (in-
cluding five of the eight states whose names begin with
M).
[courtesy Harper's Index]
Birthdays:
January 8: Kim
Young'n', 40
R. Kelly, 57
Freb Cood, 85
David Robert Jones ("David
Bowie," 1947-2016)
Yvette Mimieux
(1942-2022)
Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
January 9: Catherine
"Kate" Middleton, Duchess
of Cambridge, 42
Joan Baez, 83
January 10: Shawn Colvin, 68
Pat Benatar, 71
George Foreman, 75
Donald Fagen, 76
Rod Stewart, 79
January 11: Mary J. Bilge, 53
Diana Ellen "Naomi" Judd (1946-2022)
January 12: Howard Stern, 70
Bernardine Dohrn, 82
Rush Limbaugh
(1951-2021)
Kirstie Alley (1951-2022)
January 13:
[no one of note]
January 14: Dave
Grohl, 55
Michael
Trampenau ("Mike Tramp"), 63
Marjoe
Gortner, 80
Nina
Totenberg, 80
Jack
Jones, 86
Marc Antony (83-30 B.C.)
Tabloid deadlines:
Bud Harrelson, 79
Amalijah
Knavs, 78
Quotation of
the week:
"I say his age is an asset."
– Jill
Biden, of her 81-year-old husband
Name of player on trickstercards.com:
Ace of Phearts
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
"41D
Easy for ewe to say"
Answer: BAA
[L.A. Times 12/28/23]
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Scientists
identified the enzyme that makes urine yellow.
. . . eBay Inc. and
its employees were prosecuted for sending live
spiders and cockroaches
to a disgruntled customer couple. . . . The National Football
League "wild
card" playoff
game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Buffalo Bills
at
Buffalo was postponed from Sunday to Monday because of a
dangerous
winter weather forecast.
courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Dear
Eleanor:
I lost both my parents a day
apart two years ago. Two
years before that my sister, 11
years older than I, died.
She was my biggest supporter; she was like a second
mom. She was a half-sister, but we were just sisters.
I have also
two half-brothers , 13 and
14 years older;
but I’m not as close to them as I was to my sister. All
are from my mom’s
first husband, who died of cancer
before I was born.
My dad basically
raised my older half-siblings from
the time they were
very young. A few months after
my
parents died, I got a message from a DNA site
that I have another
half-sister. My dad was in the
Army and often joked that I could have half-siblings
somewhere. The
problem is, I don't want to acknow-
ledge or meet this
new sister. I feel bad, but to me
I
am my dad's only child. I was raised pretty much
as an only child,
since my older half-siblings were so
much older.
I took the DNA test
to examine my heritage, not rea-
lizing it might find
another sibling somewhere. This
news has wrecked my
life. This "new" sister keeps
messaging me, and
I've blocked her on social media.
I don't want her even
to see pictures of my family. I
I can't even post their
pictures on Clutterbook Face-
book lest she see
them. Am I being selfish?
– DNA
gone wrong
Dear
Dana:
Yes,
and jealous, too. You might be rejecting an op-
portunity for
a new "second mom"
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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
January 6, 2024:
Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting
for your wife at the counter in the supermarket –
this week's headlines:
hed24011.jpt
Bitter & fruious over Hatty & Meghan, William's secret booze
benders, alams vodka & beer every night, shows u at events hung
over, tells worriedKate
it's not a problem (Globe); Meghan & Harry's Hollywood comeback (US
Weekly); Biden boys in big trouble, Hunter marriage collapses,fears
wife will disho
impeachment probe (Enquirer); Revealed! Truth about Farah, Ryan
O'Neal's deathbed confessions, why they never wed, his heartbreaking
last words (Examiner
hed240112
Tom's in love!, Cruise falls for Russian socialite (In Touch Weekly);
Jennifer Aniston raises red flag! 'Exhume Matthew Perry!' (Enquirer)
Dumb news from
Indiana:
sbuckpg
South Bend's most wanted, Steven Bucks Jr, WM, 5'8", 160 lbs, theft;
James Landis, WM, 6'm 160 lbs, counterfeut, Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.
Dumb news from Ohio:
headlem.jpg
Wanted in Darke County, Ohio (Darke County Crime Stoppers): Hayden
Michael Hensel, WM, 31, 5'11", 170 lbs, tattoos stars & skulls,
"Life is a struggle," "Bad news": probation
warrant;
Miranda Cheadle, WF, 31, 5'2", 150 lbs, tattoos diamond banner,
hourglass, dream catcher, flowers, probation violation; Neil Raymond
Smith, WM, 63, 5'5", 127 lbs, probation violation
Birthdays:
December 31: Anthony Hopkins, 85
Salman bin Abdulaziz Al
Saud, 88
Donna Summer (1948-2012)
January
1: Country Joe McDonald, 82
Sigismund the Old (1467-1548)
January 2:
Jim Bakker, 84
Roger Miller (1936-1992)
January 3: Greta Thunberg, 21
Eli
Manning, 43
Stephen Stills, 79
Sylvia
Likens (1949-1965)
Cicero (106-43 BC)
January 4: Andy
Borowitz, 66
Patty
Loveless, 67
Doris Kearns
Goodwin, 81
Mahavishnu
John McLaughlin, "rock guitarist," 82
Dyan Cannon, 87
Grace Bumbry, 87
Don Shula
(1930-2020)
January
5: Iris DeMent, 63
Diane Keaton, 78
Charlie Rose, 82
Zulfikar
Ali Bhutto
(1928-1979)
Walter
Mondale (1928-2021)
January 6: Nancy Lopez, 67
Syd Barrett (1946-2006)
Sandy Denny (1947-1978)
January 7: Rand Paul, 61
Katie Couric, 67
Raila Odinga, 79
Geronimo Baqueiro Foster
(1898-1967)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Les McCann, 88
Frank Ryan, 87
David Soul, 80
rileysag.jpg
Wanted in Wiichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's
most wanted) Derrick Deshawn Jones, BM, 46, 5'4", 348 lbs, assault on
public servant; Kayla L. Jones, F, 35,
5'3",
230 lbs (Yorkshire hog), probation viol. (c.s.); Riley Sage Weiss, WF,
26, 6', 160 lbs, theft of firearm; Aaron Joshua Villastrigo, HM, 31,
5'7", 137 lbs, probation violation (contrld. substs.)
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
"41D
Easy for ewe to say"
Answer: BAA
[L.A. Times 12/28/23]
Quotation of the week: "It's not just the magic of the season
that helps Santa deliver pres-
ents worldwide; it's also the fortifying nutrients
of whole milk."
– South Carolina Congresswoman Virginia
Foxx
melanier.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff: Malanie
Rodrigutz, 45, marijuana; Mary Gerdes, 52, marijuana; Cheyenne
Ponce,
23. c.s., tresp.; Alejandra San Augustin, 23, NOL; Yolanda Sanchez, 54,
deadly assault; Mary Velez, 54, marijuana; Michael Pantuso, 62, c.s.
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Taylor
Swift's albums now have topped the Billboard charts a
total of
68 weeks, surpassing a record previously held by Elvin Presley.
. . . The
two planes that crashed at Tokyo's Haneda airport were on
the runway,
not in the air (something radio newscasters didn't tell you). .
. . Suicide
prevention nets were installed on the Golden
Gate Bridge.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
kcardona.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County
Sheriff): Thomas Willhite, WM, 47, 6'3", 290 lbs, assault,
flee
& elude; Krista Cardona, WF, 42, 5'5", 140 lbs, mistreatment of
dependent adult; Percy Dizon, BM, 5'4", 160 lbs, Narcotics, felon
w/firearm
Dear Eleanor:
My
boy friend of almost three years is very childish. If I do
some-
thing he does not like, he will try to even the score in
some way.
For instance, I do not
want to do a particular act in the bed-
room. It makes me
super-uncomfortable. No matter how
many
times I explain this, he says it’s his favorite thing and
if I don’t do it, then it’s
a deal-breaker. So sometimes I suf-
fer through it, but other
times I flat-out refuse.
Well, the other day, I refused. Now he won’t kiss me. He
says that
since I won’t do that for him, kissing is off the ta-
ble until I do it. How is
that fair ?How can we navigate this
without calling it quits?'
I want to make him happy, but I
also don't want to do what
he's asking me to do.
Your advice would be greatly appre-
ciated!
Underperforming in Rhode Island
Dear Underfuck:
How can you "undererperform" in Rhode Fucking
New
Island?
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in
in-tellectual dissection of important current events are
invited to attend the Weekly
World News Round Table at the offices
of Borf Books outside Brownsville, Ken-
tucky, just after services at the Boiling
Springs General Baptist Church every
Sunday. Guest speakers lined up for
meetings in the near future include Brit-
ney Spears.
|
|
HOW
TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
lifestev.jpg
Life Saver Dude "That looks like my old friend Steve Yates, don't it?
When did he become a cowboy? And who allowed him to wear only one
suspender?
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett