Musings

Close your eyes. Think about your ancestors. Think about what their lives were like. Think of all their accomplishments and failures. Think of all their happiness, the loves they've had and lost. Now think about their deathbed. Think on how they felt as they lay there, their last breath escaping them. What were they thinking and feeling? How are you going to feel? What are you going to think? Try to think of what happens after that final moment, still with your eyes closed. Imagine that you are that ancestor lying on the deathbed, imagine that this is the final moment. Let all the fear envelop you. Let your hairs stand on end. Cry or curse if you have to, if that's what you feel as this final moment comes upon you. And if you feel a calm instead, then I envy you. If you feel nothing but peace, then I envy you. For the rest of you, just sit there and repeat this excercise to keep yourself in check.

How many people actually question their goodness nowadays? Do they wonder if they can be saved after death? They have sex simply for pleasure, they kill, they show ignorance towards others, they dwell on the physical appearance of others. They sin and they don't care. That's the simplest way to put it. Though I believe many people undeserving of the life they have been given, I myself would never do anything to hurt those people. But I can't even help them because of my horrible timid lifestyle. Fear keeps me in check, and these people have nothing to do the same to them if they can keep on sinning. I know that they may not have a clear conscious, but they continue on in evil, not attempting to stop or even to slow down. Why do they not question themselves? Why don't they think about the consequences? They have to know that they are hurting others through their indifference. The family, lovers, friends, strangers. If they can't stop, then why don't they at least slow down? Why to they let themselves fall deeper and deeper into Sin? It pains me to think that I have been ignorant to others' feelings before. Always after any act of cruelty or ignorance I feel complete and utter remorse, no matter if I show it or not. I feel pity and sorrow, though sometimes I do not voice it only because of the controlling fear. It has been the standard of society for some time now for the male to be cruel and taunting and feel some pleasure instead of empathy in it. Either complete callousness is what man is supposed to be or it is the opposite. And if the former is what "pure" man is supposed to be, then I'll weep on the inside, knowing that I cannot on the out. And all this unfeeling has spread. Cruel parents make cruel children many a time, and an entire line can be infected. The number of the pure dwindle each waking moment, and mankind is thrown into damnation. We mourn when a king or queen dies, but when the common man is shot for the money in his wallet, we don't even give it a second thought. There's something wrong with this world.

An interesting and frightening idea came into my head the other day. What if I was the only thing truly real in this world? What if all this was meant only to be seen by me for some divine reason? Or what if this was my heaven, and others would experiece completely different worlds as their personal heaven? I couldn't help but to look at everything differently. I was to learn from all the things I had seen. Was I to be great simply because I was reality? Or was the simple life what was considered good by my Gods? I was amazed looking back at all I had experienced. I had seen so many evils of the world and so much suffering, but also had felt the opposite as well. All this was meant for me. I couldn't help to think that this idea was selfish, but it was intruiging nonetheless. I looked at people and wondered "Am I supposed to talk to them? Are they supposed to have something to do with me?" All this seemed a playground to me. A child in the candy store. Then I began to wonder what happened when I died. Would I truly die? Would reality cease to exist? Or maybe I would live forever simply because I was reality. Looking through these eyes would never be the same. I wondered about people who hurt me. Had they shaped reality then? Helped to guide it? I wondered if the people I loved were angels or godesses. But that seemed much too selfish of me. Yet once again I couldn't help but smile at the thought of it. Then I thought of the people I had hurt. What had become of them? I thought that maybe I was supposed to learn that it was wrong of me to hurt them. That had to be the reason. A sick feeling washed over me as I thought of what I had said to some people, how I had acted. my Gods wanted me to see it though. They wanted me to feel all this pain and anguish.