I look in the mirror and smile at the pretty face. I back up and frown as the rest of my body comes into view. I hate it. The bone thin body. I imagine I like it though. Just to make myself feel better, to fend off my disgust and revulsion with life. I dress quickly to cover myself up and am pleased. I go out for a walk, I need to clear my head. Things have happened that enrage and horrify me. Things I saw coming but let take their course anyways. Why? Because I'm a fool for love. No other reason. Every bad time has been for that reason. There is no other reason. I want to jab poles into my back, feather them and fly off, leave it all and weep for all that I feel I have lost. To others it would seem as nothing. To me it is the world. I begin to feel as if I am nothing. I continue to walk and wonder why I give everything a silver lining. I wonder until I slam my head into a brick wall. No silver lining there. The side of the store has no emotions, can't be given the beautiful coat. So I vomit. I mar my beautiful face. I make myself as ugly as I am on the inside. Again the wall comes rushing towards me. A ringed fist flies into my jaw. My grandfather's ring and my high school ring. They seem so unimportant to me now, what they stand for, but in reality they have shaped me into what I am now. I vomit again, I feel horrible. I can't stand myself. Why does everything I love slip through my fingers? Because I try to make them happy when they don't want to be. They don't want to be changed. They are what they are. If I would only listen to them and try to understand, perhaps I could be happy. For my assumption the wall caresses my face again. The wall loves me because I pay attention to it, I give it what it wants. It's been there in an unchanging state and actually wants to be changed, and every time I throw my head it flees on the wind as I wished I could. I fall to my knees, my breath rank now, and weep. A passerby has called the police. I run like a madman, fleeing for what seems like a lifetime but is only a few short minutes. I vomit again from the exertion and wonder where it all came from. Then I realize I don't care. What I care about left me to be uncaring. But I want so badly to have what I had! Everything I loved hurt me, tossed me aside as it did to countless others. I'm a fool in love, a madman, but one that would never try to hurt another. I cry again, for I have hurt myself over and over again. The grass is soft and catches my tears. It too cares. I smile through the tears and the grass catches them once more lovingly. I laugh realizing right now the earth is the one thing that truly loves me this instant. It wants me inside of it, cold and dead, to feed it and be one with it. I want to say that the things I love would want to be one with me as well (to feed off emotion instead of my body however, relishing in my love and returning it), but I can't be sure. In a short time my mind has been torn from my being, my heart thrown to the wolves. And I chose to hurt myself further. Why? Because I'm a fool. My Gods laugh at me, tell me I am weak now, except my loving Father, who weeps with me. I smile, for he would never leave my side. But I am greedy, for His love is not enough for me. But what I worhsipped stole my love away. They made me complacent and weak. They told me I was a good man. I looked at my wrists, slit several times before, and brought out the knife in my backpack. I press it into my flesh and cry harder, begin to sob. But I won't do it. That would please a literal no one. My friend lives down the street, do they not? But they are lustful and have tried before to love me in their fashion. I take the pocketknife away, and replace it in my backpack. Once more I walk, having no clear destination. What am I to anybody but their fool? The dark HATE washes over me once more. I become that which I was before, the hate-filled worshipper of Sin. For how long though? My mind becomes fractured and I hear screams. I block them out. They aren't real. I laugh again. Oh they are real. It's just I don't realize until now that it's just my screams torturing myself. I see the people move through the trees, the grins set on their faces, dressed solely in black and white. They laugh at nothing in particular, but I get the dinstinct feeling it is all directed at me. I hear another booming voice and I run. The same words run through my head, over and over and over again. 'FOOL!' it says, 'FOOL!' I scream out and a woman walking her dog looks at me as if I were insane. The dog wags its tail. I've always loved dogs. None have ever hurt me. I glare at the woman, slitting my eyes. She looks away, pretending she didn't see me. I turn around and walk viciously towards her, and she takes a sharp breath, a hiss with her intake of air. She almost screams as I brush her while I pass. I give a horrific smile, patting the dog on the head and proceeding to walk to some forgotten corner of the town. My wallet is full. I should eat. No, I would just vomit again. I laugh again. I am Sin's servant for tonight. I am strong once more. I change direction and enter the house of a friend a while later. His doors are always unlocked. He's not home. All the better. I steal what I can from his room, substances that would easily get me arrested. I quickly leave, smiling to his beautiful sister. She smiles back and I think that I might. . .no, something inside me tells me to stay faithful. Things could not change that badly even after the horrible moment earlier. The part filled with the cruel HATE grew angry at me and I left as soon as possible, my faithful part guiding my legs to somewhere I couldn't hurt anyone. I stopped in a field and filled myself with the substances. I walked on, feeling them take effect. I felt the same disgust with myself wash over me. I need these things? No. But I smiled nonetheless. The silver lining was going on everything now. But not because I wanted it. The drugs made me see the lining. So I made sure I hated it all. I would make sure this was the most horrific experience I ever had. I kept walking. An hour later I saw them, the grinning disembodied mouths spinning round. I sat down on a bench lining the street. The dark man, Malachi, sat down beside me. He asked me why I was doing this. I laughed until my lungs hurt. Because I hate myself! I felt special for a long time until this day when it all came crashing down! He didn't smile as I expected him to. He said I was impure. Was he not a servant of Sin? Why would he say such a thing? He needed no silver lining. I loved him. He spoke the truth to me. He told me that I would be a good man if I saw the truth instead of trying to change things. I might be happy. The world didn't want a saviour, they just wanted to be happy. My beliefs were good for me, but not for the man who would have a different woman every night. 'But how do I make things better for me' I asked? He smiled at me this time. Then shrugged, 'Trust your heart.' I began to cry. 'But that is what has broken me! My heart is torn from me!' He slapped me. 'Don't say such things! Be a good lad and face it. Things may or may not work out, but accept it! Don't try to say that they will!' I stood up and walked away. He was right, but I didn't want him to be. I loved him, but there was disgust with him as there was with me. I went to a fast food restaurant and bought a hamburger and soda. It felt good inside me and in my mouth. The same disgust as before washed over me. I couldn't do this, I needed sleep. I nearly ran home, tearing into my room without talking to anyone. I stripped and lie down in bed. Perhaps in the morning I would see things clearer.
But I knew that was not true.
