THE DUMBOSE STORY

Once upon a time in a far away, desolate and primitive land called Tuscaloosa, there lived a people (called the Bammers) that were utterly and ridiculously obsessed with their football program. In the old days, the Bammers had achieved much success on the gridiron, mainly because they had a great old leader that (if you can believe this) was a Bear. This old Bear used to stand up in a tower and oversee his kingdom, and his people practically worshiped the ground he walked on.

Anyway, the old Bear eventually died and the football program pretty much went to Hell after that. No matter how hard they tried, the Bammers could not find a suitable replacement to lead them. Several new leaders tried to replace the Bear, but they were quickly run off. The people were so disenchanted with one new leader that they actually stoned him with bricks. In fact, the only new leaders that the people would even give a fair chance to were the ones that had served with or under the old Bear. Even that was not a given though. One new leader actually succeeded in returning them to the promised land for one year. Unfortunately, he had to cheat to do it and when he finally got caught, he eventually had to leave also.

Without a suitable leader, the Bammers revolted. They demanded action. Soon they decided to make a fellow named Dumbose their new leader. This Dumbose had served with the Bear and had actually been working on the team as a leader-in-training. The Bammers were so happy with their choice of Dumbose as leader, that they immediately began to proclaim to the world that Dumbose was the chosen one to lead them to the promised land again (in fact every year). They bragged about what a great person this Dumbose was. They proclaimed that he was a man of great integrity, honesty and of uncompromising principles. They exalted him as a man of extraordinary character and tremendous leadership (although he had no previous experience or success). In fact, the people in Tuscaloosa land basically proclaimed Dumbose as the "Second Coming!"

The Second Coming of what, you ask? With Bammers you can never be sure, but I think they were talking about the second coming of the Bear (you know - the one who drinketh on the left side).

Dumbose, as it turns out, was actually a very poor leader, and in three years he lost more times than he won. However, he did have the ability to attract highly publicized recruits to Tuscaloosa. This gave the Bammers an opportunity to brag about how good they had recruited, even though they were losing a lot. Everything was going along pretty good until one day, the Bammers decided to give Dumbose a new secretary. Well, it turns out that Dumbose wasn’t quiet the upstanding leader and family man that he made himself out to be. In reality, Dumbose was just a typical horn-dog Bammer lecher, and he quickly put the moves on his unsuspecting secretary and soon they starting having an affair.

Well, rumors began to circulate all over the land about Dumbose’s affair. The Bammers largely ignored it, rationalizing that since Dumbose was a Bammer, he had way too much character and integrity for this rumor to be true. In fact, in typical Bammer form, they just dismissed it as a vicious rumor started by their arch rival (the Aubs) in a vile attempt to slander their leader.

Meanwhile, the rumors started to heat up which resulted in an unbelievable media frenzy. Several highly regarded recruits left Bammer. It was becoming painfully obvious to the Bammers that something was bad wrong!

The media started asking questions, and they asked Dumbose (pointblank) if the rumors were true. Not knowing what to do, Dumbose consulted with an old wise friend, who just happened to be a high ranking leader of a very large kingdom. After consulting with his friend, Dumbose, (exhibiting his real Bammer character) called a press conference and announced publicly to his wife, his boss, the administrators, and all the people that it was all JUST A RUMOR and that it was NOT TRUE! From behind the podium, he announced to the world that he absolutely DID NOT MONKEY AROUND WITH THAT WOMAN!

Well, the Bammers were relieved for sure. "See! This was all just a rumor started by those Aubs", they cried. Well, things were just starting to get back to normal, when all of a sudden, Dumbose made the mistake of harassing his secretary. This resulted in the threat of a lawsuit, and Dumbose had no choice but to admit his affair to his boss, and confess to the people that he had "misled" them (not "lied to them" - because he had character and there is a difference). Yeah right, about as much difference as there is between being blind and not being able to see!

This really embarrassed the holier-than-thou Bammers, especially since this, in effect, put a damper on all their bragging and Aub bashing. Damage control was needed ASAP, so they immediately paid off the secretary to keep her quite. The payoff amount was staggering - lets just say it cost more than Denny Chimes (Bammer’s other expensive erection).

To say there was a media frenzy over all this would be an understatement! Criticism was directed at Dumbose and Bammer from all fronts. Many of the Bammers openly wanted to fire Dumbose. Others wanted to lynch him from Denny Chimes. The media also critized the Bammer Administrators for their handling of the situation, which prompted them to give Dumbose a public vote of confidence.

Meanwhile, other rumors were running rampant that there were two other women out there that Dumbose had been gallivanting around the land with. The administrators were really starting to get nervous now. Of course Dumbose denied these rumors too. The Bammers defended Dumbose a second time and once again blamed the Aubs. "Hey, if there was any truth that Dumbose was running around with other women, then there would be some evidence of it, right?"

Picture #1 Courtesy of Hooters - Mobile, AL
Picture #2 Courtesy of The Gold Club - Atlanta, GA

Anyway, while the Administrators were taking the heat and all the Bammers were fighting among themselves over the situation, ole Dumbose was still employed and laughing all the way to the bank. In fact, this whole situation seemed to just slide off him like he was made of teflon. Dumbose was so happy with the way the situation worked out, that the first thing he did after it was over, was to call up his wise old friend that had given him such great advice and thank him.

THE END

OR JUST THE BEGINNING?!?!?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sweet Home Anti-Bama:


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