Overkill
By MTopaz

Nathan lay in bed, unable to sleep. He stared at the ceiling, watching the play of light and shadows above him. The dorm seemed so empty without his roommate. It was the end of the semester and Jake had finished his exams early and gone home for the holidays. Nathan hadn’t replied to Jake’s cheerful goodbye and “see you after Christmas”. The words stuck in Nathan’s throat because he knew he wouldn’t be coming back.

Nathan turned over and punched his pillow, feeling the anger and despair rise up in him again.

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Maybe things would work out. Sure. He could take a semester or two off, come back in the fall, and pick up where he’d left off. Maybe…maybe his dad would realize what a mistake he’d made and come back home to his family.

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it’s just my imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Who was he kidding? Nathan didn’t have that kind of luck. He’d had to struggle for everything he had. Why should it be any different now?

Nathan jumped up from the bed to pace the room. He hadn’t been able to sleep well in weeks. Sometimes it seemed like he couldn’t even breathe with everything closing in on him. It was worse at night when he was alone with his thoughts and his worry.

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill

Nathan had to get out of his room, get away from the shadows. He grabbed his coat and ran out of the building, heading for the quad.

As he walked the campus grounds, he could see the lights coming from the buildings. Silhouettes of students and staff moved in the windows. Just days ago he’d been one of them, worrying about exams, obsessing over papers.

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

What had it all been for? His hard work had all been for nothing. To be a doctor… Nathan was smart, but not quite smart enough or poor enough to get one of those full-ride scholarships. There was no way he could afford a decent college that would eventually get him into a good medical school. He’d joined the army, instead, to earn the money. He’d been so proud of himself when he first walked through those college halls. He’d done it on his own. He was on his way.

Now he had to leave. It was all for nothing.

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

His mom had gotten sick and had to go down to part-time. Things would’ve been tight, but they could’ve gotten by on just dad’s pay. But then Obadiah Jackson had to up and desert his family. Said he needed his own life without a bunch of people depending on him to keep them going. He felt like he was stuck in prison.

How did he think Nathan’s mom would feel? Or Nathan? Nathan was the man of the house now and he had three younger sisters to take care of. No way he could be in college full-time and support the family, too. He wouldn’t abandon them just because he felt like it. No. Nathan would do what was right and responsible—even if it meant giving up his dreams.

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

He could see a few students sitting in the library through the window. Maybe they were working on last-minute research papers. Nathan envied them. He wanted to be in there with them for many more semesters. But he didn’t belong here anymore. He had other obligations.

Nathan trudged through the snow back to his dorm, watching the bitter-cold air freeze the warm breath that streamed out of him. He had a few more things to pack.

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Come back another day

The End

Overkill
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications