7G02 I will not waste chalk
7G03 I will not skateboard in the halls
7G04 I will not burp in class
7G05 None
7G06 I will not instigate revolution
7G09 I will not draw naked ladies in class
7G07 I did not see Elvis
7G11 None
7G10 I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
7G13 Garlic gum is not funny
7G12 They are laughing at me, not with me
7G01 I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
7F03 I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
7F02 Tar is not a plaything
7F04 None - Halloween Special
7F01 I will not Xerox XX XXXX
7F01 It's potato, not potatoe - This was used for the second airing of 7F01 (a reference to Dan Quayle's gaff while visiting a school)
7F05 I will not trade pants with others
7F08 I am not a 32 year old woman - To put it another way, Nancy Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy
7F07 I will not do that thing with my tongue
7F06 I will not drive the principal's car
7F09 I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
7F10 I will not sell school property
7F11 I will not cut corners
It actually looks like this:
I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS
" " " " " "
" " " " " "
7F12 I will not get very far with this attitude
7F13 I will not make flatuent noises in class
7F15 I will not belch the National Anthem
7F16 I will not sell land in Florida
7F14 Repeat of 7F10
7F17 I will not grease the monkey bars
7F18 I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
7F19 None
7F20 I will not do anything bad ever again
7F21 I will not show off - This was written in an "Olde English"-style font
7F22 I will not sleep through my education
7F24 I am not a dentist
8F01 Spitwads are not free speech
7F23 Nobody likes sunburn slappers
8F03 High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
8F04 I will not squeak chalk - Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this
8F05 I will finish what I sta - This appears on one line; the rest is blank
8F02 None - Halloween Special
8F06 "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
8F07 None
8F08 Underwear should be worn on the inside
8F09 The Christmas Pageant does not stink
8F10 I will not torment the emotionally frail
8F11 I will not carve gods
8F12 None
8F14 I will not spank others
8F16 None
8F13 I will not aim for the head
8F15 I will not barf unless I'm sick - Lisa has a blackboard punishment of sorts during the episode; she has to clap erasers
8F17 I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
8F19 I will not conduct my own fire drills
8F20 Funny noises are not funny
8F21 I will not spin the turtle - This one did not appear in the original FAQ; thanks to Dominik Halas for catching this one during a Canadian repeat
8F22 I will not snap bras
8F23 I will not fake seizures
8F24 This punishment is not boring and pointless
8F18 My name is not Dr. Death
9F01 I will not defame New Orleans - New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!"
9F02 I will not prescribe medication
9F04 None - Halloween Special
9F03 I will not bury the new kid - During the episode, Marge wrote "I will try to raise a better child"
9F05 I will not teach others to fly
9F06 I will not bring sheep to class
9F07 A burp is not an answer
9F08 Teacher is not a leper
9F09 Coffee is not for kids - Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl
9F10 I will not eat things for money
9F11 I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
9F12 The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
9F13 I will not call the principal "spud head"
9F14 Goldfish don't bounce
9F15 Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
9F17 No one is interested in my underpants
9F16 I will not sell miracle cures
9F18 I will return the seeing-eye dog
9F20 I do not have diplomatic immunity
9F19 I will not charge admission to the bathroom
9F21 I will never win an Emmy - This was the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were annouced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series", but it wasn't nominated (the show had won "Best Animated Show" Emmys in the past)
9F22 The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
1F02 None
1F01 None
1F04 None - Halloween Special
1F03 None
1F05 None
1F06 None
1F07 All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy - This was not written "line by line" like the others
1F08 I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
1F09 I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
1F11 My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man - A reference to "The Fugitive"
1F10 I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
1F12 None
1F13 None
1F14 I am not delightfully saucy
1F15 Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
1F16 The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
1F18 I will not celebrate meaningless milestones - This was first used for the 100th new episode
1F19 There are plenty of businesses like show business
1F21 I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
1F20 Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
1F22 Beans are neither fruit nor musical
1F17 Repeat of 9F17
2F33 I will not use abbrev.
2F01 I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
2F02 None
2F03 None - Halloween Special
2F04 I will not send lard through the mail
2F05 I will not dissect things unless instructed
2F06 I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
2F07 Repeat of 1F11
2F08 Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
2F09 Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
2F10 "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
2F11 Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
2F12 Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
2F13 I will not hang donuts on my person
2F14 I will remember to take my medication
2F31 None
2F15 I will not strut around like I own the place
2F18 The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
2F19 I do not have power of attorney over first graders
2F32 Nerve gas is not a toy
2F21 I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
2F22 The First Amendment does not cover burping
2F16 This is not a clue...or is it? - In this episode, there are clues that are supposed to reveal who shoots Mr. Burns
2F20 I will not complain about the solution when I hear it - In this episode, the shooter (see 2F16) is revealed
2F17 "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
3F01 No one wants to hear from my armpits
3F02 I am not a lean mean spitting machine
3F03 The boys room is not a water park
3F04 None - Halloween Special
3F05 Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
3F06 None
3F08 Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
3F31 I will only do this once a year
...which is once a year too many for clip shows
3F07 I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
3F10 I am not certified to remove asbestos
3F09 None
3F11 None
3F12 None
3F13 None
3F14 None
3F16 None
3F15 None
3F17 None
3F18 None
3F19 None
3F20 None
3F21 None
3F22 None
4F02 None - Halloween Special
3F23 I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
4F03 I am not my long-lost twin
4F05 None
4F06 None
4F04 None
4F01 None - During the episode, Lisa writes "I will not be a snickerpuss." (complete with period)
4F07 None
3F24 None
3G01 The truth is not out there - A reference to "The X-Files"
4F08 I am not licensed to do anything
4F10 None
3G03 I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
4F12 None
4F11 I will not lie in front of the school bus with ketchup on my face - Actually, this episode had no blackboard opening; Jason Fox drew this in the comic strip "FoxTrot" on the day this episode premiered - I just want to see who is "borrowing" my lists while removing things like the notes (and my name)
4F14 None
4F13 None
4F15 None
4F09 None
4F16 A fire drill does not demand a fire
4F17 None
4F18 None
4F19 None
4F20 None - Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase
4F21 None
4F22 None
4F23 None
3G02 I no longer want my MTV
5F02 None - Halloween Special
5F01 Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
5F03 I did not invent Irish dancing
5F04 None
5F05 I will not tease Fatty
5F06 There was no Roman god named "Farticus"
5F07 Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related
5F24 None
5F08 None
5F23 Shooting paintballs is not an art form
5F11 None
5F10 Pain is not the cleanser
5F12 Silly String is not a nasal spray
4F24 None
5F13 I was not told to do this
3G04 XX XXXX does not deserve a website
5F14 I will not demand what I'm worth - A reference to the holdout of the cast for more money
5F15 None
5F09 I will not mess with the opening credits - This appeared in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom
5F16 None
5F17 I am not the new Dalai Lama
5F18 I was not the inspiration for "Kramer" - This was first shown three days after the last episode of "Seinfeld"
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