We are given a video package with script reading, "Earlier in the Day..." at the bottom left hand corner of your screen. Sam, Talbot, and the entire roster of the FWO are heading towards the TGI Fridays built for the bar room match later in the night.
Sam: Oh Boy oh boy...A corporate sponsor..and the paid for a free buffet for all of us! This is great!
Cady: Now Scottie...remember there's a BAR ROOM brawl later tonight...so make sure there's some left for those two, okay?
Ferrett: I'm gonna eat the IBU fried chicken!
Talbot: i'm going to stuff my face on Jack Daniels' grilled salmon! Exquisite!
Sam opens the doors to the TGI Fridays for his hungry roster to find....HUNTER IN DARKNESS sitting on the buffet table drinking out of the soup bowl, marking his territory on the fried mushrooms and all in all, runining the buffet for everyone.
Sam: NOOOOOOOO!
HiD: (looking up from a plate of pork chops) RRRRRRR!
Sam: YOU...YOU...STUPID WEREWOLF!
HID: RRRRRR?
Sam: (having a fit) YOU RUINED IT! YOU RUINED THE BUFFET FOR EVERYONE!
Brodie: All those chicken wings I was gonna eat!
JoJo: I was gonna eat Quesadellia's until I barfed!
HID: RARRRR! HACK! (spits up a T-bone)
SAM: YOU STUPID MONGREL!
HID: (Getting Angry) RRRRRRRRARRR!
SAM: OH NO! Don't you growl at me! You ate all our food!
Monarch: He..defecated in the spinach dip!
Genocide: And that's not bacon in those tater skins!
Sam: BAD DOG!
HID: ARRRRARRR!
SAM: BAD DOG!!!!!
HID: RARRRRRRRRRR! Stand on his hind legs to his full 7 foot height.)
Eddie: Ten bucks says Sam gets eaten...
Talbot: That's a suckers bet!
Sam: You've been bad! Go to your dressing room and NO EMERIL LIVE!
HID: RARRRRR!
Sam: Aw....go spank it to Dog fancy!
HID: ARRRRRRRRR! (leaps from the plate of Mozarella sticks he was standing in and tackles Sam and begins the almost too predictable mauling...)
SAM: AHHHHH!
HID: RARRRR!
SAM: AHHHHH!
HID: RARRRR!
Enforcer: Should we...do something?
SAM: Not The Face! NOT THE FACE!
HID: ARRRRERRRRR!
BT: Nah...I'm still pissed about the whole "Musical Jug band" Stable...
HiD: RARRRRRR!
Sam: I need that to live! Go for the knees! I can always get plastic..AHHHHH!
Unforgiven and Heresy go to help Pry the werewolf of sam...
Sam: NO! NO! AHHHH! i'd rather die that let jobber filth like you touch me! Especially....AHHHHH...orgasmatron the sexual bliss guy! AHHH! The doctor bills..the doctor bil.....ARTRRRGH!
Brodie: (whispering to Cady) psst psst pssst!
Cady: Hee hee hee.
(cady grabs a plate of chicken fingers and whistles.)
HiD: (Looks up) RRRRRR?
Cady: HERE BOY! (Drops the whole plate down Sean Stone's pants)
Sean: What the hell are you...
HID: RARRRRR! (Leaps after Sean)
Sean: OH ^(*(&)(&)(! (Runs like hell with HiD in close pursuit)
Archangel: Hey look! Hey left the refried beans, calimari and soyburgers intact! Let's eat!
(All begin eating while Sam's crumpled form lies bleeding on the floor.)
paul barber: shouldn't we help him?
talbot: Nah...he heals all the time. Really quickly too. it's like one big Road Runner/Wile E Coyote skit...Watch as soon as the bloody intro video to the card plays...he'll be at 100% again..and completely forgive HID to boot!
Barber: what an idiot...
(fade out)

(We get a video package for the opening of the show now. We see HiD chasing keebler elves and gulping them down in one bite. Sam with a T shirt on saying, "I AM DEEP THROAT" while hugging Woodward and Bernstien. Talbot lecturing to sleeping students at oxford. We get a shot of HiD Trying to hump the leg of Peter Murphy while Darquefyr pries him off. A shot of Sam paying off members of Congress, then screaming as he sees the camera. Talbot Still lecturing. HiD sticking the head of some jobber in his mouth and shaking them until they tap out. Sam doing Can Can with nuns. Finally more footage of HiD mauling Sam. Three splashes of Blood hit the Screen and form the letters F....W....O! Then we get a big explosion and are LIVE at the spectrum in Philly, PA!)

(Fans are going nuts. Many signs are visible like, "Ferrett is HID's lovechild," "Throes of Humanity FELCH," "Support Kiddie Porn," and "I eat my own vomit!" Then the Camera takes us to the broadcast booth. Sitting in the middle is the slobbering lycantrope legend known as HID! On the right is Lord Talbot, desperately avoid slobber and hair from his fellow Brit. Finally on the left is the completely healed, Smiling face on Uncle Sam!)
Sam: HEY HEY! It's what you've all been waiting for...something you've been glued to your Tv like Months to a flame for...the FIRST EVER FWO Card! Get ready for two hours of mindless violence and commercials!
HID: RRRRRR!
Sam: I'm not speaking to you!
HID: WHINE!
Talbot: Oh bloody hell...
Sam: What a great card we have for you! Two gimmick matches, a tag match, and two great singles matches! If you know anyone that's not watching the FWO...they must be either dead or Commies! And if they're the latter...do 'em a favor and MAKE THEM DEAD!
Talbot: I don't think you can promote murder on TV!
sam: Sure you can! I can do whatever I want! I'm Uncle Sam! Watch! Hey HID! Make sure that little girl behind you has to see a shrink for the rest of her life!
HID: (Turns around)RARRRRRRRRRGH! (Sticks the Little girls head in his mouth and violently shakes her. He then spits her out and she twitches uncontrobally, eye wide, covered in drool, unable to only make sounds akin to gibberish)
Mother: YOU BASTARD!
SAM: HAHAHAHAHAH! What are you going to do? SUE ME? HAHAHAHA! I have lawyers that could get me off for turning an orphanage into a Crystal meth lab! Sit down and shut up!
Talbot: Sam! have you lost your bloody mind?
Sam: Yes.
talbot: Oh well then. Shall we start the night off then?
Sam: HELL YEAH!
HID:AWOOOOOOH!!
Sam: Our first match is a special Death Defying match! Eddie Heartbreak will be taking on a mystery opponent! Who could it be? The King in yellow? Ollie North? Who knows?
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! This first match is for one fall with a 15 minute time limit and special stipulations. Coming to the ring first at this time, from Boston MA..here is EDDIE HEARTBREAK!
('Where it's At', by Beck plays as Eddie Heartbreak comes out alone to a good face pop. He is wearing a white t-shirt and some jeans, and he has his long black hair tied back in a ponytail. He poses at the ramp as his red fireworks explode behind him. . He hands Uncle Sam an envelope and looks at Sam and Talbot.)
Eddie: You guys know what to do.
Sam: Wow...an envelope! I wonder if there's a check inside!
(Eddie grabs a microphone on the timekeeper's table and slides into the ring, where he poses some more. He stops and looks at the crowd.)
Eddie: Well, I'm not going to dance around the point. I'm going to be fighting in the most dangerous match in FWO history. Viewer discretion is advised, and mothers, put the little kids to bed right now.
Sam: But don't change the channel or turn off the TV. Especially those of you in neilsen homes..
talbot: But...it's the FIRST match in FWO history!
Sam: Shuddup!
Eddie: Some of you might want to know, 'what kind of match can be so dangerous?'.
HID: RRARRR!
Sam: Wrestling siamese mexican transvestites?
talbot: Living with the two of you?
Eddie: It's not a quadrouple cage exploding barbed wire stretcher triple table match. It's not a sawed-off shotgun on a poll match.
sam: DAMN! That'd bring ratings!
Talbot: And a lawsuit...
Sam: Kvetch, kvetch, kvetch!
Eddie: Boys, lower it!
(Suddenly, everybody in the arena looks up, to see a cable begin to lower. On the end of this cable, dangles a Mickey Mouse Pez Dispenser. At the sight of this, the arena begins to boo uncontrollably. It stops about 13 feet above the ring.)
Sam: OH GOD THE HUMANITY! NOT....THAT!
Eddie: This is a PEZ DISPENSER MATCH. That Mickey Mouse Pez Dispenser is loaded with Orange Pez. Yes, I know. The most deadly flavor. Here are the rules. Whoever gets that Pez up there, can use it. Now, I'd like to introduce my opponent.
Sam: Actually I think the green pez is the deadliest. It gave me hives.
talbot: There are no green pez...
Sam: Then what did I....?
HID: HACK!
(Crappy Latin Rap plays as a masked midget with a towel, walks to the ring.)
Eddie: Ladies and gentlemen, from San Diego, California, weighing in at 70 pounds, the master of the Macaranacarana, Los Del Basura!
Talbot: What the hell is this crap?
Sam: Shhh! Five bucks on the Mexican!
HID: RRRRR!
(LDB slides into the ring and kicks Eddie in the shin. When Eddie looks at him, he swipes the microphone from his hands.)
LDB: Hola, Seqoras. El Burrito grande es como un burro, usted puede separar, y il guardara el venir!
sam: What? Where's Jorge? Damn...too bad only Sunday's card is broadcast in Spain! We could ask the Spanish guys!
(He then holds the microphone to the crowd, waiting for some laughs and some cheers. Instead, he is hit directly in the face with a cup of Sprite. He begins to dance around the ring. Eddie picks up the microphone that he dropped.)
Eddie:This right here, this is ratings!
sam: I'll say! Who's watching Crossfire now baby!
eddie: You fans want a hardcore match?
(Eddie sticks the mic out to the crowd, and gets a large pop.)
Eddie: I'll give you a hardcore match.
(Eddie slides out of the ring, and pulls out a ladder from under the ring. He slides this into the ring, and the midget begins to dance on it. He reaches down again, and pulls out a broom. Then he pulls out a table. He keeps the broom and slides the table into the ring. He reaches under the ring again and pulls out a pillow. He then pulls out a toothbrush.)
(We cut to the back to the Weapons of Destruction Dressing room where Enforcer and Eric Williams have lock the WoD in!)
Bomber: LET US OUT!
Enforcer: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Eric: Don't ever...EVER think of sneak attacking Eddie again!
(cut back to the action)
Eddie: What the hell is all this crap? Does somebody live down here?
Fool's Crow, mopping up vomit in the crowd: That's my stuff! Give that back!
(The bell rings. Eddie gets into the ring. He sees the midget jumping up and down on the ladder, and hits him in the back of the head with the broom. He continues to beat him with the broom until the midget pulls the broom out of his hands and breaks it.
Fools Crow (Now standing behind the announcers): MY staff! My mystical wonderous Staff of the ancients!
Sam: Chill out FC...it was just a broom!
FC: No you soddering twit! I made it look like a broom so you wouldn't sell it for a quick buck!
Sam: HEY! Good Idea. but I mean..it's just a staff! Get a new one.
FC: You...IDIOT! The staff of the ancients is what keeps the restless spirits away from you?
Sam: What spirits?
FC: ARRRGH! The reason you hired me? You built on an ancient Indian Burial ground! You made the spirits angry! They gave you wedgies during board meetings until you hired me!
Sam: So? get a new staff!
FC: it was carved by my great great grandfather while he fasted for 13 days and 14 nights in a desert!
Sam: So....how long willit take to get a new one?
FC: About three days. We sell 'em by the busheload back on the reservation.
(Suddenly Ghosts appear.)
Sam: HEY! Proof of the living dead! The enquirer will pay 1 mill for this! let's see DatelIne top THIS!
Ghost 1: REEEEEEECYYYYYYYCLLLLLLLLE!
Ghost 2: GET OF OUR LAND! WHOOOOOO!
Sam: Hey! This is the Spectrum! Your land is back at my corporate office. Go bug my executive committee.
Ghost 1: Terribly sorry. It's just...well...we wanted to be on TV.
(They disapear)
Sam: HEY! That was neat!
Talbot: Ahem! We do have a match to call!
(During this entire little escapade Eddie has beaten the midget left and right. Eddie unfolds the table as LDB grabs his leg and begins to punch it. Eddie puts LDB on the table and he begins to jump up and down on it. Finally, the table breaks in half and LDB comes crashing to the mat, knocking himself out. Eddie sets up the ladder and begins to climb, reaching for the Pez Dispenser.At the last step, Eddie grabs it. But his joy is short lived, as he slips and the ladder comes crashing down, RIGHT ON LDB. Eddie turns LDB over and puts the Pez Dispenser on him. He hand then slaps the mat. 1........2.......3! He picks up the microphone.)
Eddie: The winner of this match, and new, FWO MIDGET CHAMPION, The Mickey Mouse Pez Dispenser!
Sam: NEW CHAMP! NEW CHAMP! What a match! Ohmigod what a match! Truly a classic! WOW! WOW!!!!
Talbot: Oh shut up! That was crap! A pez dispenser! MIDGET CHAMPION???
(Eddie puts the PEZ up to the mic and begins to talk for it.
Sam: SHHH! The champ's gonna speak!
Talbot: Dear god....is everyone in the world MAD???
HID: RARRRRRGH!
Talbot: Right! I'm in hell!
Mickey Mouse Pez Dispenser: "I am sad to announce, that I am retiring the FWO Midget Title from active competition. It will no longer be defended."
(Eddie then tosses the Pez into the crowd and puts a boot on top of LDB. He then walks into the dressing room.)
Sam: Aww....and he has such a great career ahead of him!
Talbot: WHAT??? Are you totally INSANE??? IT WAS A PEZ DISPENSER! PEZ!!! BLOODY HELL!
Sam: Shh! I know..and you know...and maybe even dogslobber over there knows...
HID: RRRRR?
Sam: But the idiotic masses watching don't need to know. (Turns back to the camera) WOW! What a great match to kick off competition here in the FWO! It'll be hard to top that! But right now, it's time for an our weds interview segement! Take it away Dan!
(Scene opens on the ringside area. Suddenly, 'Push It' by Garbage is turned up on the PA system. Dan Katarn, wearing a black shirt under his 'FWO' American Flag jacket and blue jeans, walks out to the ring. He shakes hands with a couple of fans, then steps into the ring. He is tossed a microphone.)
Dan Katarn: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the first ever edition of 'Under the Ice'. Next week, I'll have a set specially built for me. But now, I'd like to welcome, my guest at this time, from Dundas, Ontario, Canada, he's caused quite a commotion from the FWO executives and wrestlers, Sean 'Edge' Stone!"
(Sean walks to an absolute chorus of boos. He strolls down to the ring, and swipes the microphone from Dan.)
Sean: Well, I would say its nice to be here. BUT IT ISNT! Basically, I am just here to let everyone know, that what you have seen from me so far, is just the beginning. Once I beat that retard up, I'll[ show you all why you shouldn't mess with me!
Dan: "Great to know, Sean. How long have you been wrestling?"
Sean: Well, I started out when I was about 11, you know just wrestling backyard stuff with my friends. But I really got serious when I was around 16, I got a trainer, and I joined some indys when I was 17. I'm 24 now.
(Suddenly, the arena pops as Eddie Heartbreak and Eric Williams are shown in their locker room. They are making sarcastic comments with the interview as it progresses.
Eddie: "Hey Dan, ask him if he's going to bitch and moan because he can't use four letter words."
Dan: "Well, Sean, do you have your sights set on anybody after you're done with The Big Red Retarded Demented Dentist Trucker?"
Sean: "None yet, really. I havent had a chance to look over the roster. I was in this one fed for about 2 years before I joined this one, and I knew everyone, and I had some long standing battles. I am hoping to bring a few of those other guys over to this fed, but only time will tell."
Dan: "So you've been wrestling as Edge for two years?"
Sean: Well, I have had the nickname since I was a child, but I brought it into wrestling about 3 years ago.
Dan: "Wow, you must have had total assholes as friends when you were a kid."
Eric: "No, they were nice enough to be seen with the guy."
Sean: Haha.. not really, I got that nickname because I always did over the Edge stunts as a kid. I'm not too proud to say that I was a moron when I was younger.
Dan: "Sean, you have no idea how much that explains. So, what is it with you and DBR? That guy really sucks!"
Eddie: "He didn't get that! This is quality entertainment!"
Sean: "DBR. I just don't trust the guy, and he doesnt trust me. We have been in many of the same feds. (MY contracts usually allow me to wrestle in more than one fed at a time) and we have just been enemies since. I was once the leader of his faction... well, co-;eader, with him. And I'm sure I will be again. Sometimes we're partners, sometimes we're enemies. But when we are partners, we never stay that way for more than a month.
Dan: "Sometimes partners, sometimes enemies, always idiots. That's true friendship, right there. Well, what do you think will happen in his match against Enforcer?"
Sean: "First off, don't call me an idiot. Because I will jump up here right now, and SHOW everyone why they should be scared of me, if you know what I'm saying... as for DBR's match. I think he will do what he always does."
Dan: "You mean lose?"
(Eddie and Eric chuckle to themselves at Dan's comment.)
Sean: "No, he will kick the other guys ass. Of course, he did bring a few enemies to the fed, o if they have anything to do with it, he will lose."
Dan: "Well, wait a second. The match is no interference, and I hear that Uncle Sam has instructed both wrestlers to show the FWO what hardcore is going to be like. Speaking of that, are you going to try to be in the SM Hardcore Title tourney? I know a lot of guys who would love to have you in the first round."
Sean: "Yeah. Once again. I did some over the edge things as a child. And that has carried over to the Ring. Yeah. I'm Sure they would. But.. I guess it will be the luck of the draw. But like I was saying before. While I don't LIKE being hardcore anymore... sometimes it just happens."
Eric: "He never said that! Hell, I'd love to have him in the first round. Where the hell is Kane! He's supposed to jump this guy."
Eddie: AHHH! Ghosts!
(The Ghosts are back!)
Ghost 1: WHOOOOO! you broke the staff! CURSED ARE YOU! CURSED!
Ghost 2: VOTE DAN QUAYLE! VOTE Pat Buchanan!
(Voice only)Sam: Oh my god! The dead have risen and they're not only endorsing republicans...but STUPID republicans! Being dead must mess you up!
Talbot: Shut up! We'll miss the interview!
Dan: "Now Sean, back to that thing about showing everybody why they should be afraid of you. What exactly did you have in mind?"
Sean: "Well, if you want... I could do my trademarl Pildriver set up on you OR "The Edge" my finisher. But only if you think you could handle it. Wouldnt want the interview to end on account of you being hospitalized."
Dan: "Now Edge, I'm a former numerous time champion. I'm sure that is more then you can say. I'm also a member of the executive committe. So if you lay one hand on me, you WILL pay for it."
Sean: "Hmm... your a FORMER numerous time champ. Well, I'm a current numerous time champ. I hold a title in one older fed I am still in. And my first ever world title, I gained by beating an unbeaten wrestler. So I think I have a little more talent than you do."
Eddie: "He's a current champ? Damn. Who's he been sleeping with?"
(Eric pulls out a long sheet of paper.)
Eric: "To answer that question...DBR, Heresy, Misery...."
Eddie: "Is there a single female on that list?"
Eric: "What about Boy George? Does he count?"
Dan: "Just keep your damn mind on that Demented Dentist Trucker. Because a lot of guys will be watching it very closely. (Mumbles to himself.) And laughing their ass off at you."
Sean: "Yeah, well. I could take him with my eyes closed. That big Retard my think he's Kane. But I know better... Did I sense you were a little scared when I threatened you? Aww, does the little baby need his mommy?"
Eddie: "Well, he's been getting breast fed from Edge's mom? Does that count?"
Dan: "Yeah, sure I'm scared. I layed a little 'Edge Jr.' right here in my pants."
Sean: "Haha, your very funny. You should quit wrestling right now and go on tour, do us all a favour."
Dan: "Are you stupid, Sean? I mean, I'm not a damn wrestler! I'm an interviewer, and a member of the executive council. Once again, if you lay a hand on me, you will be punished a lot worse then you think you will."
Sean: "God, don't be so paranoid, I'm not gonna hurt you. Unlike some other people here. I fight with words outside of the ring. I have only been in 2 real fights, outside of the ring, in my life!"
Dan: "I'm not worried you're going to hurt me, I'm worried you're going to touch me. I heard that you are contagious."
Sean: Well, you heard wrong. I don't even know where that rumor go started. Probably when you and your ga... homosexual friends got together and wrote material for your stand-up act.
Dan: "No, I don't hang around DBR."
SeaN: I know... um.. what does that have to do anything? I called you gay and you say you don't hang around DBR. Thats good, wouldnt want to think he's gay too.
Eric: "Well, Heresy begs to differ on that one, Edge."
Dan: "SEAN, you are a moron. You called my FRIENDS gay, you incredible piece of hippo crap. So, when I said I didn't hang around DBR, it meant I don't have any homosexual friends. Somebody's a bit homophobic. You want me to say that slower? Ho-Mo-Pho-Bic. I know how you hate those big words."
Eddie: "Ooooh, Dan told him off."
Ghost1: WHOOOOOO!
eddie: Oh shut up!
Ghost1: Sorry... (Both ghosts disapear)
Sean: "Nah, I don't need you to say it slower. Unlike you I actually graduated University with aa degree in Journalism, so I really don't need you to spell anything out for me. Hmm.. maybe I should have your job. You say you can wrestle, and I say I am a journalist. Lets switch! Not bloody likely... baby!"
Eric: "Did he just call Dan 'baby'?"
Eddie: "He's graduated with a degree in journalism? Damn, this guy's a regular Ice Cold!"
Eric: "More like Bomber."
Dan: "No, I said I used to wrestle. I retired. You know, that's when you leave a fed without getting thrown out for being an annoying piss-ant?"
Sean: "Well, I wouldnt really know. I have never been thrown out of a fed. But I'll tell you something. I HAVE retired, but I came back. And you know why I retired?"
Dan: "Because the asian hookers cost too much?"
Eddie: "Did he just say that?"
Sean: "I was shot in the back about a year and a half ago!"
Eric: "With a slingshot."
Dan: "Well, I'm sorry the bullet missed."
Sean: "Look, I have had just about enough of your crap. I'll see you morons in the ring on Wednesday, but now I'm leaving."
Dan: "Well folks, that was it. Next week, we'll have Slammin JoJo and Ferret! Wow, I never thought I'd be happy to have Ferret on the show, but anything can improve from what we just saw.."
Sean:(Yells from the back: "I can still here you, you moron!")
Dan: "I know you can. We'll see you next week!"
Eddie: "Now that's entertainment."
(Back to ringside) Sam: That was...different.
Go To part 2! (Yup...the card is THAT long!)