(we get a shot of the dressing rooms with the words "Minutes Ago" written on the bottom left hand corner of the screen. A big fat guy kicks open triple A, Adam Agee's Dressing room door!)
Wilbur: HEY! That's Paul murphy!
Adam: What the hell! Get the hell out of my dressing room you fat ass!
(Paul ignores Adam Agee, and grabs him, then nail him with T Bone suplex, sending him through his dressing room mirror.)
Paul Murphy: Not amuesd! I may be fat, but I just whipped your ass.
(Paul leaves the room, as AAA lies on the floor out cold.)
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(Fireworks go off in Three River Stadium. Fans start markin' out, clips of last weeks show are shown on the Sam-O-Tron, and then a Camera starts panning through the crowd for keen signs. It homes in on, "Ferrett's Got Hairy palms, "I set fire to the concession stand, "Ice cream melts from the fire of Hell," and, "I have 13 possums in my pants!" Then we go to the announcer booth where the Sunday cre or Arthur Dent, Rasklonikov and Wilbur sit.
Wilbur: GREETINGS! Welcome to the first ever Sunday Night Slobberknocker: The FWO's halfassed attempt at being serious. We've got six great matches, including three tag matches and a triple threat extravaganza!
Raskolnikov: Dah! The best part about this show is that annoying capitalist Uncle Sam is not here!
Arthur: Umm...that annoying capitalist is your boss my Communistic friend.
Raskolnikov: Do not make me shatter your bones...
Wilbur: Be nice! The cold war is over!
Raskolnikov: (whispering) that's just what we want you Democratic fools to think...
Arthur: what did you say?
Raskolikov: I was talking to myself. I'm crazy you know...
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Arthur Dent: OH Lord of God! Here comes an excellent match The Hot Shots Vs Wod!
Raskolnikov: Stupid Bastards! They aren't Russian, so I don'r care what happens to them!
Wilbur Fields: Oh Be Nice! Look, they're already in the ring...(bell rings) and there's the bell!
(Eddie runs out and nails Bomber with a lariat. He quickly picks him up, and whips him into the turnbuckle. Eric helps Eddie with a Double team, Tanker comes running out, but the referee stops him. Eric gets in without the tag, and takes Bomber out to the center of the ring. HE goes for a Suplex, but Bomber reverses it into a DDT! Bomber picks him up and goes for a piledriver... and nails it! He drags Eric over to his corner, and tags in Tanker. Tanker picks him up, and nails him with a Running powerbomb!)
Raskolnikov: Kill the American Swine!
Wilbur Fields: Hey now, BE NICE!
(Tanker has Eric some a figure four, but wait, Eric gets to the ropes. Tanker stands up thinking that Eric gave up, Bomber yells at him to turn around, Eric crawls over to Eddie, and makes the tag! Eddie runs in, grabs Tanker from, and nails him with a Tilt-a-Whirl Backbreaker! He goes for the pin, 1...2... KICKOUT! Eddie picks him up, and throws him into the ropes, he stands there waiting for Tanker to come back, then nails him with a power slam! There's a pin... 1...2...2 and half! KICKOUT! Eddie climbs to the top rope, jumps, and misses a diving headbutt! Tanker waddles to the corner, and tags him Bomber. Tanker picks up Eddie, and Bomber climbs to the top rope! It looks like it's time for the Bomb Breaker Bomber jumps, but Eddie gets off Tanker's shoulder's, moving Tanker back far enough to get nailed in the head with Bomber's Jaw. Both Tanker and Bomber laying on top of each other in the ring motionless. Eddie covers both of them 1...2...3!
Your Winners, via pinfall: Hot Shots!
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Wilbur: Great tag action to start the card!
Raskolnikov: I have not seem such teamwork since Captain Chekov and Mr. Spock on Star Trek.
Arthur: Umm..isn't it Captain KIRK?
Raskolnikov: Not in Russia....
Wilbur: Golly Gee! it's time for a commercial break!
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ANNOUNCER: Live, from Washington, CROSSFIRE. On the left, Bill Press. On the right, Robert Novak. In the crossfire, in Phoenix, Republican Senator John McCain of Arizona, a member of the Armed Services Committee.
Bill Press: Tonight...PRO WRESTLING! Is it warping the minds of our children and turning them into desensitized monsters! I say...YES!
Robert Novak: I agree! Wrestling shows nothing but mindless brutaility, people being hit with chairs and lit on fire! It's like the Three Stoogers on crank!
Bill Press: For once Republicans and Democreats agree on something!
Robert novak: Yes...but what I hate most is this new upstart federation...the FWO! It uses America's name to promote evil in the sickest form! Woman wrestling men! mocking the mentally handicapped and deformed! It's digusting!
Bill: But let's find out what our Senator McCain thinks! Please welcome...JOHN McCAIN!
(No one comes out.)
Bill: Where is he?
Novak: *ahem* Please Welcome..>SENATOR McCAIN!
(Still no one!)
Novak: Could you get a camera in his dressing room?
(suddenly we shift to his dressing room. Within a...struggle is occuring.)
McCain: AHHHHHH! THE PAIN! THE BLOOD! Where is all my blood coming from!
HID: TRARRRRG! ARRRR! GRRR! SNARL! *SLASH!*
McCain: NICE DOG...>EEEEE! ARRRTH! OH DEAR LORD! THE HUMANITY! THE HUMANITY!
HID: ARRRRRRRR!
(Camera cuts out.)
Bill:.....
Novak:.....
Bill: So...
Novak: Yes....
Bill: Once again..the topic this week is..PRO WRESTLING! The greatest spectacle on earth!
Novak: I agree! The excitement! The athletisim! It's better than boxing! Truly the All-American sport!
Bill: Yes...especially the FWO! And that Hunter in Darkness! Boy I like him!
Novak: YEs...so do I. I find his antics amusing and...
(suddenly HiD bursts from the back and topples over both men.)
HID: ARRRGH! RARRRRRRA! RRRRR! GRRRR!
Bill: MEDIC! MEDIC!
Novak: OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
Voice Over: THE FWO...we've got one effactive lobbyist! And he can't even talk!
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Rasklonikov: SEE That's what's wrong with America! The bribery! The violence!
Arthur: This from an ex leader of the KGB?
Wilbur: See folks...both parties endorse the FWO...so it'd be UNAMERICAN if you didn't watch. Unless you want your children branded with the stigmata of being a commie symphatizer...you'll watch every day it's on!
Raskolnikov: HEY! Communism is the only true form of government!
Wilbur: then why did it fail?
raskolnikov: Why you...
Wilbur: Boys! Boy! It's time for the straigh jacket match!
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Ring Announcer: First, hailing from Honkeyville, Michagan...he weighs in at 256lbs and stands at a height of six foot, five inches, Miles "The Insane Ice Cream Man"!
["Master of Puppets" by Metallica plays over the loudspeaker as Miles comes out. The crowd gives him an unpleasant welcome as he marches down the aisle with Twister. He steps through the ropes as Twister stays outside. The ring announcer looks at him a little wierd as he sets up to announce the next wrestler.]
Ring Announcer: And his opponent, he hails from Death Valley, California. Weighing in at 326lbs and standing at a whopping six foot, eleven inches, he is the Big Retarded Dentist Truck...err...the Dentist Retarded Truck...err...he is BRRDDT!
["Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" by Bach plays across the arena in an eerie escence. BRRDDT comes out ducking under the Titantron, carrying a bouquet of flowers. A smiling Paul Barber follows him, smiling and making odd faces at the camera as he tries to promote his wrestler. BRRDDT walks slowly to the announcer's table and looks for somebody.]
Raskolnikov: What is this big unemployed moron doing here?
[He looks around for someone. Paul comes over and suddenly the flowers burst out into flames! Paul's jacket catches on fire and the fat man runs around, trying to put it out. BRRDDT just throws the flaming flowers down and heads towards the ring, where he lifted his arms and pyros come out of the ringposts. The crowd boos a little to see one of their favorite superstars being imitated.]
Arthur Dent: Ooo...isn't that just the most original thing. Flaming stuff...I bet the crowds are going to just flock in now because of this. Yawn...
Wilbur Fields: I don't know, that was really exciting. Let's just hope this straight jacket match can compare to what we just saw.
Raskolnikov: Well here goes the bell and yet another boring match will be getting on the way. Oh great, BRRDDT just starting pulling down his glove. I swear, if this guy even thinks of fighting like that big, no-talent Ka...
WF: Shh...the match is on its way. Miles starts off with a couple of jabs to the chin, sending BRRDDT back a little. But a huge haymaker from the Dentist sends back Miles! Miles gets up and this time kicks him in the stomach. BRRDDT is getting closer to his knees, but there's another haymaker and Miles is back down! Wow, what a match this is turning out to be!
Raskolnikov: Yeah, you're right, what match is this turning out to be?
AD: Well BRRDDT now has the advantage as he sends a few jabs of his own to the chin of Miles. Miles leans on the ropes and the Dentist whips him to the other side. Miles ducks a clothesline but is greeted with a huge boot to the face on the way back. Ka...err...the Dentist picks him up by his hair and bodyslams him down. Whipping back his hair, he picks him up again. He sends Miles to the corner and sticks a boot to the neck of him. The ref starts counting. It takes a little trouble but the ref gets BRRDDT to release the hold. Now he sits Miles on the top rope. He's going for a superplex of some sort, but Miles starts punching him in the gut!
Raskolnikov: Miles pushes that no-talent off the turnbuckle! Yes! Now he waits for BRRDDT to get up. Miles leaps with an axhandle smash and...oh darnit!
WF: The Dentist catches Miles by the neck! The crowd is loving it! [The two look around to a booing crowd.] He lifts him up...chokeslam! Chokeslam! Lifting him up, he sets up for the...yes! The Brimstone Driver! But he can't go for a pin, this is a straight jacket match. Paul Barber grabs it from the table. The stout man happily heads for the stairs and throws it into the ring. BRRDDT sees it as Paul keeps telling the man to go over and get it. He is walking over...Twister slid and got the jacket! Now that's just not right!
Raskolnikov: Right or wrong, there could be an innocent casualty in this! Finally something is getting good! Twister starts backing up towards the ropes as that Dentist keeps staring at the man who stole the straight jacket. Come on you moron! Go over and hit the dumb idiot! He stole your thing, go get him!
AD: Gee, I wonder if this is going to happen every week from now on...
WF: Wow! I'm at the edge of my seat! Twister is now ducking under the ropes. The ref is trying to keep BRRDDT from Twister...but the Dentist is pulling on his glove. The crowd knows what this means and they're on their feet! [The two look back to see a man throw a sign, intended for the ring.] Twister pleas but BRRDDT slaps on the chokeslam! The ref is pleading and pleading, but to no avail!
Raskolnikov: Yes, finally some action going on here! Chokeslam, chokeslam, chokeslam...and yes! Twister is laid out. Paul is telling that overgrown retard to get the jacket. He bends over and picks it up. Oh man, here comes Miles from behind with a chair. He wasn't exactly resting that whole time. BRRDDT gets up and turns around...BAM! Right across the skull of that no-talent truck driver. BRRDDT is a little woozy now, and Miles isn't stopping at one. Again...and again...and yet another one. The Dentist is still up though. Paul Barber is now banging the apron, telling the ref to stop this mahyem. The ref shrugs it off, forgetting if this is a DQ or no-DQ match-up. This is great! Come on Miles!
WF: Get that chair out of there! Miles sets up for huge one...and lands it right across the head of that near seven foot monster. BRRDDT is down. Miles is now in control...although not fairly.
AD: Oh, like every match has to be fair. Now Miles catches a few elbows in the chest of BRRDDT. A monster leg drop from the ice cream man! Now he picks him up by his hair and whips him across the ring, catching him in a hiptoss. Miles turns his back, taunting the crowd and...he sat right up! Oh man, if this isn't the pinnacle of lame, BRRDDT sat right up! Miles turns around and...oh look, a shocked face and his pleading for his life. Twister grabs Miles and drags him outside, letting him rest and catch his breath for a moment. As they strategize, the Dentist heads for the top rope. What agility for a seven footer! He jumps and catches the two men that were huddling! All three wrestlers are on the ground now!
Raskolnikov: Finally, here's some action in this match I could appreciate...none of it. Oh great, here comes Paul Barber to check out his wrestler.
AD: Yawn, and what luck, he brought a chair with him. He goes and leaves it there for the big Retard.He's the first man to sit up...but he doesn't notice the chair. Man, that guy is a retard. Now the tow others start to stir. BRRDDT grabs Miles by the hair and pulls him up. He gets him in a hydrolic press, but Miles turns it around into a tornado DDT. Wow, that was pretty exciting...for a lame match at least. Ka...err...BRRDDT is laid out on the concrete. The two partners start to turn this thing into a handicap match now...ooo, how original.
WF: They pick him up together and whip him into the stairs! That's just wrong. Look at that, they're mocking him by shaking hands and hi-fiving and other gestures of friendship. This match...in all my years of commentating I never saw anything like this in my life before.
Raskolnikov: Not a lot of wrestlers join the aggresive sewing circuit Wilbur. Now finally this match is going somewhere. The two go over and lift him up. They get him up in a vertical suplex...and they're hanging it. They're heading over...hey! Those spoots are heading over here! Wow, this is great! Here they come...and they drop the suplex on the table! Wow Wilbur, what did you think of that one? Was that...'unfair' or was it just 'insanely wrong'? Wilbur?
WF: ...
Raskolnikov: Oh wow, he's out cold. Guess it's just you and me Arthur. Arthur...?
AD: ...
Raskolnikov: Yes! Finally the Rasker goes solo! Now here the two great team come up. Twister locks on a full-nelson as Miles starts jabbing right in the gut of BRRDDT! And Twister connects with a double-arm suplex with a little help from Miles flipping him over. Wow, this dumb dentist shouldn't have asked for this. Twister starts heading for the ring as Miles is taunting the dumb retard with boots to the chin. But wait, here comes Paul Barber...oh great, he has the chair that his dumb wrestler couldn't find. He goes over and is about to smash it over the head of Miles, but Miles turns around and catches it! Yes! Now he threatens to hit Paul if he doesn't leave...but wait, BRRDDT shoots right up! Miles doesn't notice this and is still threatening Paul. He is about to swing it, but BRRDDT grabs the chair and whacks it across the head of Miles almost instantanously! What a dirty little cheater! If it wasn't for that fat piece of...well...there's still Twister. He is setting himself up for a moonsault onto the Dentist. BRRDDT turns around though and catches him in a Brimstone Driver...right onto the cement! It's over for Twister! BRRDDT goes over like an idiot though and grabs the straight jacket from in the ring to put over Twister. He wasn't even in the match-up...what an idiot! He shoves the jacket onto Twister...but he's not tying it. I bet the moron remembered he wasn't the one in the match. He grabs him into a throat hold and picks him up! He turns around and throws him onto Miles! Both men stumble back and hit themselves on the steel chairs. BRRDDT isn't done with them yet though...see...that's moronic. He should end it now. He sits up Miles and slaps on a chinlock to try to slow him down...even though I can't see how much slower you could get than pretty much unconscious. Now...
AD: Ughh...my head...did I miss anything? [He looks around.] Oh, still typical wrestling. Fine, I guess I could take it from here.
Raskolnikov: Rats man.
AD: So BRRDDT has him in a chinlock, but now it seems this Miles guy is breaking out...what a concept, breaking out of chin locks. Here comes Paul, a little worried. He sets up the chair in front of them and than wobbles away. Look how happy one fat man can be. But he won't be too happy soon. Miles is coming out of this little stun thing he was in and starts elbowing the big man in the stomach. BRRDDT is coming down. Miles whips him into the ringside. Ka...err...the Dentist wobbles back and Miles catches him in the Cone Crush. He goes for it...and instead he is flipped over the shoulder of BRRDDT in a snap mare and lands right on the chair. BRRDDT than grabs him and sets him over his shoulder. He than...
Raskolnikov: Brimstone Driver right through the chair! No! Not to Miles!
AD: It has to be over from there. But wait, with one last effort Twister wobbles over in the straight jacket and headbutts BRRDDT.
WF: Ugh...my head...
AD: Shut up! Just stay down a while longer until...
WF: Hey, BRRDDT just grabbed a chair and whacked Twister across the forehead...he couldn't block it! The man was in a straight jacket! Twister is down! Now he rolls Miles on top of Twister and shoves his body into the straight jacket. He ties it...and the bell rings! BRRDDT wins!
Ring Announcer: Your winner, Big Red Retarded Demented Dentist Trucker...or something like that.
[Paul Barber goes esstatic on the side as the ref goes to raise the hand of BRRDDT but he pulls it away and joins his manager as they walk the ramp. Someone throws Tonka trucks onto the aisle, and BRRDDT stops to pick them up. In the straight jacket at ringside, the ref is trying to untie the two, but we soon learn that BRRDDT ties triple knots as well as he plays with trucks.]
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Arthur: Now I'm confused..is he that WWF trademarked guy whose name we can't mention...or what?
Raskolnikov: Ask him yourself Limey!
Announcer: ladies and gentlemen...this next match is a tag team contest set for one fall. Coming to the ring first...here are Sean Ryan and River Snow, along with Bonnie they are...THE SURFER CIRCUIT!
(Mixed crowd reaction. It appears the fans don't know how to deal with the Surfer's new attitude.)
Rasklonikov: Now these boys I like...well, except for the fact they personify American Decadence. Surfers! You don't see valley boys and surfers in Mother Russia!
Arthur: You have siberia in Russia! What are they gonna surf on? The piles or worthless Rubles?
Announcer: And their opponents...from Albany NY here are Genocide and Rob "EDGE" Ian!
(major pops go up for the return of the original Edge. Genocide talks to Rob and drags his faithful rubber chicken behind him.)
Wilbur: This is great! Rob Ian make shis debut in the FWO! This is gonna be one hell of a tag match!
(Genoicde and Rob enter the ring. Genocide puts his chicken on the turnbuckle...and then Rob walks away and to the back.
Raskolnikov: WHAT THE HELL? Who's his partner???
Wilbur: Genocide is calling for the bell! Is this a handicapped match?
Arthur: Oh bloody hell. His partner....it's....THE RUBBER CHICKEN!
Rasklonikov: That's it..I'm going back to Russia!
Arthur: Sit down and call the match you twit!
Wilbur: Ryan and Genocide starting htis off. Collar and elbow tie up!
Arthur: Top wristlock by Genocide followed by a shoulder to the ribs and' then he hoists the surfer on his shoulders. Firemans' carry to the mat! Reverse chinlock applied on Sean. Sean with some elbows straight into the rib cage and then he gets to his feet. Snap mare takedown and then a dropkick to the back of genocides neck! Stomp to the chest cavity of genocide and then a knee dropped right across his throat! Tag to Snow! Double knife edge chop then Ryan with a hip toss as River drops a leg! 1..2...kickout by genocide! irish whip into the neutral corner! handspring elbow by /\lternative! Genocide goes down to the mat! River mocks Genocide and then goes up top! He's wasting to much time! genocide to his feet and he catches River up top! Gorilla press back down to the mat! Snow to his feet, but a running clothesline by Genocide hits him hard! Scoop slam by the big man and then a bear hug. Fingers are interlocked and he starts shaking River! Sean climbs up top and breaks the hold with a flying axhandle from up high! both men are down! Snow crawls to his corner. Tags in Sean Ryan!
Wilbur: Ryan springboards over the top rope! he picks up genocide by the head, but Genocide with a european ppercut follwoed by a headbutt! Genocide grabs the hair of Ryan and sends him head first into the turn buckles! Ryan reels from the blow and then Genocide picks him up... belly to belly suplex! Cover! 2 count! Genocide hurtles Ryan intot he ropes! Genocide goes for a power slam, but in mid move, Ryan turns it into a head scissors take down! genocide gets up, but Sean with an armdrag! genocide gets back up, but a drop toe hold by Sean sends genocide into the canvas. Kippup by Ryan and then a standing moonsault. Turns genocide over! 1...2...th...kickout! ryan picks up genocide, but gets a thumb to the eyes and then a jawbreaker from the big man! Genocide grabs the head of Ryan and DDT! Both men are exhausted! River stands on the apron stomping his feet to get Ryan moving. Ref is counting. 6...7....8...genocide is to his feet! he goes to his corner and...TAGS IN THE CHICKEN! River jumps in the ring and gets a head full of chicken! River hits the mat hard! What the hell?
Raskolnikov: Genocide drives the chicken into River's ribs! Ryan from behind with a clip to genocides knee and then a rollup! ref won't count...because the chicken's the legal man! Ryan argues with the ref! genocide is up...he taps Ryan on the shoulder...Ryan turns around and gets THE REVOLUTION! Ryan's in the middle of the ring with the armbar on! River's to his feet! he grabs the chicken..and clocks Genocide ont he back of the head with it! Ryan is out of the hold. Ryan goes up top while River Snow picks up Genocide ...SPIKE PILEDRIVER! HEY! on the outside...it's Tiffany Lane! She just tackled Bonniue and is beaing the crap out of her! What kind of country allows Women to attack each other! maybe America is good for something after all! The Surfers see what's going on! They get out of the ring and chase Tiffany off! Both Sean and River are checking on Bonnie. ref is counting..but they don't notice! Tiff did a number of her! Bonnie's not even a wrestler! There's the bell!!!!
Announcer: Both members of the Surfer Circuit have been counted out! The winner of this match by a COUNTOUT....GENOCIDE and the RUBBER CHICKEN!!!
Arthur: oh dear god...
(Genocide picks up his chicken and kisses it. Then he hugs it...and abrick falls out of it's mouth.)
Raskolnikov: hey! That's pretty sneaky! maybe that loon is good for something after all!
Wilbur: What an embarassing loss for the Surfers...but you know that they'll make Tiffany pay! why did she attack Bonnie???
Arthur: OOOH! Mystery and suspense. Screw A&E's Mysteries to die for! We've got the FWO!
Raskolnikov: oh shut up you socialist dog!
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