(The show starts with a PTA comittee sitting down with Sam in the FWO offices earlier in the day.)
Lady 1: (sipping some tea) Well Mr. ummm...
Sam: Call me Sam.
Lady 1: Well Mr....Sam. We are all very happy to see that unlike OTHER wrestling promotions, your FWO belives in Educating that mind!
Sam: Exactly! That's why the Educational Values tournament is tonight! Tonight you'll see that behind each steroid-induced massive bulk of a body that my superstars have, is a brain worthy of Einstien...
Bald professor: But I must admit...we are concerned about the violence you show. Crushing innocent jellywish and the message you give about immigrants and foriegners. Well....I just don't want MY children growing up thinking they can take in some bean picker from across the border and cause him physical, mental and emotional suffering just because they hide him from the authorities.
Sam: PLEASE! We're teaching understanding of different cultures! I mean, Shiva and Tulu work for me..and they're not American! And Jorge LIKES physical cruelty! Watch! *whistles*
Jorge: Hola!
Sam: George...you like physical abuse, right? Jorge: Qui?
Sam: You love it when we obliterate you for ratings and cheap sick laughs? RIGHT???
Jorge: No puedo entender las palabras que usted habla. Maldición del Oh el hecho caí extraescolar e hice vendedor de calle en vez de aprender el lenguaje de dioses...
Black lawyer: What did he say?
Sam: he said, "Hey Sam! Let's play the game where you stick a juicy Prime rib dinner down my pants and we'll all entertain our guests as HiD accidentlly mauls my Genitles and thighs trying to get at it!
Fat chick: Well then, let's watch!
Sam: *Grabs a steak out of the fridge and drops it down Jorge's pants* This'll be fun!
Jorge: Cuáles son usted que hace. Espera. La sensación enfriada de la carne. es extrañamente que despierta y que disturba en el mismo tiempo.
*Sam waits 5 seconds and the sent of the juicy steak catches the inhuman nostrles of you know who...*
HID: RARRRRRRRGH!
Jorge: AIEEEEE!
(massive scene involving claws, pieces of flesh and fangs and bone marrow occurs.)
Bald Professor: HAHAHAHAAHAHA! I never realized how truly comical it is to watch one who speaks neither english nor has the intelligence of a bannana slug be shredded like sensitive government documents that i sell to Lybia! You're right Sam! Sensless cruelty IS FUNNY!
(all laugh and eat coffee cake with streusal.)
HID: (with steak and a piece of Jorge's thigh in his mouth) ARRRRRRR!
ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Fade out)
********************************************************************
Pyro explodes and fans in the rainy land we call seattle are jampacked into the Kingsdome waiting for FWO action! Security holds down and beats a group of teenage girls exposing themselves for brief seconds of glory. A bald fat man pleads with his wife for more beer money...and SIGNS! SIGNS! SIGNS! They range from, "Ecuation + wrestling =sel owt!" to, "Sweet sweet Honey!" Finally after a brief camera shot of a bunch of 21 year old yuppies making children cry by explaining why Santa Claus is into homosexual dwarf slave bondage, we go to the intrepid Boradcast team of Talbot, Sam and HID!
Sam: HEY HEY! Ladies and gents! Three great things tonight...ALL involving titles! While other channels show Dateline and 20/20...you're here about to get REAL education as the title that shows brains can win over brawn in wrestling is handed out tonight!
Talbot: It's the oddest moment in wrestling history!
HID: RARRRRRR? Sam: Yes, even odder then the time you won a battle royal by contracting the runs the night before!
Talbot: Ug. Rancide Werewolf feces...
HID: *climbs under the table and starts clawing at it.*
Sam: Dammit...RABBITS BURROW! Not wolves!
Talbot: actually wolves do like to hollow out things...
Sam: SHUT UP! I sign your checks! If i say Pigs are green and eat only rutabegas...you agree!
Talbot: I shoulda read my contract...but I couldn't considering I was in a full body cast...
Sam: Kvetch, kvetch, kvetch!
Announcer: This first match is for one fall and is a quarterfinals Cyberfight title match. Coming first, along with Honey Majors, from Portland oregon...here is SOLOMON!
(Boos go out for Solomon, being that Washington and Oregon hate each other..but lots of cheers and cat calls for Sam's old associate Honey majors. She waves to the fans and is very glad to see talbot...who last she saw....was last being shoved into the gut of the werewolf sitting to his left.)
Sam: HEY! Wave to me! WAVE TO ME! I'm your pal! Your bud! The one that gave you your own production company!
Talbot: You mean..."Schlong-In, Schlong-Out Enterprises?"
Sam: IT was a steal! LIterally! Not my fault it used to be a porn company...
Talbot: used to be?
Sam: Okay! Still is! But when I had Honey's face put on ever box, I made them clean up their act!
Talbot: really?
Sam: OKAY! I made sure they didn't make any more of the "Garbage Disposal Eunuch Roulette" series! get off my back!
Announcer: And now...I present to you...Vanity!
(The crowd begins to roar as Vanity, dressed in a peach business suit, a hand bag and matching heels strides down aisle.When she reaches the ring side a male fan who is holding a sign that says "Show us your judds!" taps her on her shoulder. When she turns around she notices the sign and slaps him across the face, gets into the ring an ask for a mic.)
Vanity: Vanity: Before this match starts I just want to say that it is a non-title bout so it's with great pleasure that I introduce the FWO current Incredible champion and the future Cyberfight champion of the world the"Franchise" Alexandria Parker.
(she comes out wearing peach tights, a sports bra with franchise written across the front and the incredible title around her waist)
Sam: Hubba Hubba!
Talbot: I can't believe I actually heard someone say that!
HiD: WHINE!
Sam: not my fault you got tangled up in the wires!
HiD: RRRR! *gnaw*
Sam: AHHH! SHOCK! SHOCK! Live wire! BAD!
Talbot: Both men...er....wrestlers...are int he ring. Solomon had trouble Sunday with wrestling the opposite sex. Let's see how he does with Honey.
Sam: Lock up! Solomon with a top wristlock, but Alexandra with a kick to the chest and then a side headlock! Solomon pushes her into the ropes! Bounces off! Solomon goes for a backdrop but she leap frogs over him! Solomon turns a round and gets a savate kick to the jaw followed by a spinwheel kick! Legdrop by Alexandra and a cover! Not even a two count! Alexandra picks Solomon up and hits him with a textbook suplex. Elbow to the ribs and another cover! 2 count! Alexandra picks up Solmon by the hair and irish whips him into the turnbuckle. Alexandra goes to frankenstiner him out of the corner, but Solomon grabs omnto the top ropes and Parker falls head over umm...heels. Parker gets up, but Solomon clotheslines her to the mat. Pick up and a scoop slam by Solomon! Now he steps on her neck with his right foot and tugs on her hair! Ref admonishes Solomon. Solomon goes back to Alexandra, driving his bony knee into her larnyx while punching her face. Again ref scolds Solomon!
Sam: Solomon whips Alexandra into the ropes and catches her with a spinebuster! Solmon goes up top and drops an elbow into her skull! Hooks the leg! 1...2...th...kickout! Solomon with a bow & arrow submission. Drives his knee into her 5th vertabrae. Alexandra gets her leg on the bottom rope and ref calls for a break. Solomon doesn't listen! Ref threatens DQ. Solomon gets up and the ref gets in his face! Alexandra from behind with a low blow into a rollup! 1...2...thr..kickout! Both get up, but Alexandra with a kick to the gut, and then a belly to belly suplex! Solomon rolls on the mat holding his genitals while Alexandra stomps him in the back! Snap suplex by Alexandra and then a scoop slam! She goes up top. Honey doesn't look to happy with Solomon as he staggers to his feet! Missle dropkick square on the jaw by Parker! 1...2...thre....kickout at the last second! Alexandra hooks the arm and a leg...Fisherman's suplex! 1...2....th..kickout! Alexandra goes up again. Solomon to his feet. Parker comes off with another missle dropkick! Again...Solomon kicks out at the last second.
Talbot: Alexandra hoists Solmon onto her shoulder! She tries for a DVD, but Solomon reverses it into a crucifix! 1...2...thr..kickout! Alexandra to her feet, but Solomon stomps on her left foot and then hits her with a savage right jab to her breast! DDT! Solomon rests against the ropes trying to get a second wind while Alexandra is down! he should go for the pin! Now Alexandra is up! She runs at Solomon with a clothesline, but he ducks and back drops her over the top to the floor. Solomon grabs the top rope, springboards off hits and hits Alexandra with a somersault into a hurnacanrana which sends Ms. Parker into the guard rail! Solomon rests her against it and hits her with a knife edge chop! A second. Alexandra grabs a coca-cola and throws it in Solomon's eyes! As he is temporarily blinded, Alexandra bulldogs him on the hard concrete floor of the Kingsdome! She rolls him into the ring and mounts up top! Guillotine legdrop....But Solomon rolls out of the way! He's too his feet and...FIGURE FOUR! Alexandra cries out, but it is locked on tight! She's not giving up, but as Ref checks on her, Solomon uses the ropes for added leverage! Parker tries to reverse it, but Solomon's grasp on the ropes prevents it. Vanity comes over and gouges Solomon's eyes, which causes him to let go and allows Parker to reverse the move!
Sam: Solomon grabs the ropes almost immediately and the move is broken. Solomon gets to his feet holding his eyes, and parker takes advantage with an irish whip! Solomon ducks a spinning heel kick from Parker as he bounces off and then slaps on an STF! Alexandra reaches out to the ropes! Honey majors pulls them back and Solomon pours on the pressure. Ref sees Honey's subtle cheating and demands her to let go. She does and Parker grabs the ropes...but the damage is done. Hold is released, but Solomon drapes her leg on the bottom rope and stomps away at the ankle and knee. He grabs her legs and slingshots Alexandra into the neutral corner where she smacks head with turnbuckle! As she staggers backwards, Solomon clips her knee! Alexandra crumples to the mat holding it...and Solomon wastes no time putting her in a boston crab! Alexandra is pointed away from the turnbuckles! She's got nowhere to go. And her leg is injured! Can she hold on. She reaches out and grabs the canvas...and starts dragging herself across to the opposite corner! Wait! Solomon turns it into a Checkmate and with his free hand gets extra leverage from Honey!
Talbot: it's too much for Alexandra and she taps out! Solomon wins one of his two matches tonight!
Announcer: Here is your winner...SOLOMON!
(Mixed reaction. Solomon slides under the bottom rope, gives a thumbs up to the camera and he and Honey take off.)
Talbot: This means Solomon has his hardest match ever against AAA or Shamus! Can he pull it off with Honey's managerial expertise? Or will he crumble?
Sam: Eh. Why speculate, why commercials can trell us what to think?
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(completely black screen then a voice begins.)
Voice: Man has always wondered if it could ever conquer nature. The force or her winds...the cracking of her earth, the crashing of her waves. But in ten days...mankind shall faces natures greatest challenge.... BEING TRAPPED IN A FOREST FULL OF BEARS!
(Suddenly "Jack the World" by Gwar starts up and the Black screen explodes into a Big Top tent. Members of the Jim rose circus are pretending to battle it out with FWO superstars. BRRDDT is exchanging blows with the Engima, Tiffany lane is pulling Mr. Lifto's nipples to their 8 inch leng max and Ferrett is shoving Jim Rose's face into a pile of broken glass.)
Voice: It's the TOTALLY NAKED CIRCUS FREAK ORGIE! 2 days of wrestling action, mindless promotion of various corporate sponsers, and did we mention... wild BEARS?
(suddenly bears burst in the ten chasing freaks and wrestlers alike around the tent. One Bear rides a moped and has a beanie with a propeller on.)
Voice: TOTALLY NAKED CIRCUS FREAK ORGIE! Only 60 bucks! Put off that Root canal and order NOW!
***********************************************************
Sam: We're back! And it's time for the second CF matchup!
Announcer: LAdies and gentlemen...coming to the ring at this time, along with Mandy...from Miami, Florida...here is "Attitude" Adam Agee!
*Fans give a hearty pop as AC/DC blares over the arena. Adam comes out
and poses, talks some trash about Shamus into the camera, then grabs a
Fan's sign that says,
Announcer: And his opponent, from Dublin, Ireland...and along with Matt Pallfy...here is SHAMUS O"Reiley!
(Boos echo throughout the arena. Shamus insults American fans while Pallfy points at Adam who waits in the ring patiently.)
Sam: His luck runs out here! Shamus is my boy! He's gonna be a great CF champ!
Talbot: Not a biased bone in your scrawny beared body, eh?
Sam: Nope. Nary a one.
Talbot: Both men in the ring now...
Sam: Collar and elbow tie up. AAA with a kick to the inside of Shamus's calf. Shamus drops to one knee, and AAA kicks out the other one from beneath him. AAA grabs the legs and makes a wish. Shamus rolls on the mat and triple A applies an Indian Death lock. Shamus kicks AAA off, and Adam flies throat first into the top rope. Shamus with a dropkick causing Adam to snap his neck on the rope again. Elbow drop to the throat then Shamus picks him up and slams him back down to the mat. Shamus picks up Adam again and elbow him in the ribs, then takes him down with a fireman's carry into an armbar. Adam reaches with his free arm and plants his thumb square in Shamus' eye. Shamus lets go and Adam gets to his feet and slaps on a cobra clutch. Shamus flails wildly, but he can't reach Agee. Shamus tries a mule kick to get him off, but Adam steps to the side. The move's starting to work and Shum's movements become smaller. Ref checks. Hand doesn't go down... which suprises Agee, and Shamus shap mares him to the mat! Agee kippups to his feet, but Shamus with a drop toehold into an anklelock submission. Agee gets to the ropes. Ref calls for a break, Shamus does so, but then drops his knee into the base of Adam's spine!
Talbot: Adam is whipped into the ropes! Big back drop by Shamus. Shamus whips him intot he ropes again. but this time Adam leaps frogs over and catches Shamus in a backslide! 2 count! Shamus gets up, but Adam with a kick to the gut and then a head scissors takedown. Shamus gets up, but an armdag by Adam. Adam whips Shamus into the ropes amd hits a flying forearm! Shamus slides out of the ring for a breather. Adam backs up...and runs. Suicide Plancha! Shamus sees out of the corner of his eye and sidedsteps it... and Adam hits Pallfy instead! Trouble in that camp in the morning! Adam gets up, but Shamus with a european uppercut and then he drops Adam throat first on the guard rail. Shamus irish whips Adam into the ring post and as Adam staggers backwards he hits him with an atomic drop causing Adam to fly off and crack his head against the metal pole again. Shamus rolls Adam into the ring! Shamus slides in and makes a cover! 1...2...thre..kickout! Shamus yells at the ref about a slow count. Adam gets up from behind, but Shamus turns around and stomps him in the head. vertical suplex by Shamus! Another cover! 2 count!
Sam: Shamus plants Adam on the top rope. He's hoists Adam on to his shoulder. Looks like a powerslam off the top. Adam kicks and flails..and Shamus looses balance! Triple A slides off of his shoulders, picks him up with a forward shoulder lift, then pushes his leg backwards and catch him in a stunner as they come down off the top! What a move! Both men are out! if only AAA could make the cover! Ref counts. Adam crawls. Ref is on 8. Adam drapes an arm on Shamus! 1...2...thre...shoulder up in the knick of time! Adam gets to his feet. Shamus is pushing himself up, but Adam runs and kicks Shamus in the chest sending him back down to the mat. Adam with a pick up and... running Liger Bomb! Adam goes up top and flies off the top rope with a beautfiul spinning frog splash! Cover! 1...2...kickout! Adam grabs Shamus' legs and hoists him up! Giant swing! Around and around they spin and Adam lets Shamus fly across the ring! Adam jumps up to the second ring rope and then springboards off into a moonsault! 1...2...thr...kickout! Adam gets to his feet and tries for a gulliotine choke out, but Shamus instinctively flying mares him and then drops an axhandle blow to the forehead. Another. Adam is whipped intot he ropes and caught by a big boot from Shamus.
Talbot: Shamus Grabs Adam's legs! he goes for the Four Leaf Clover, but Adam kicks him off and Shamus knocks himself on the Turnbuckles! Adam with a handspring elbow and then connects with a tornado DDT! cover! 1...2...thre...kickout! Adam picks up Shamus and then hits him with a release Dragon Suplex! Adam says it's time. He grabs Shamus Left leg with his right arm...but Shamus with a knee to the groin that the ref couldn't see! Fisherman's suplex by shamus! 1....2..thr..kickout! Shamus and Adam are both to their feet! An exchange of rights and lefts! Shamus gouges the eyes and then sticks Adam's head between his legs! Power bomb, but AAA turns it into a frankenstiner! Agee hooks the leg and makes a scrambled cover! 1...2...kickout! Adam whips Shamus into the ropes. Another Handspring Elbow attempt, but Shamus sidestepes it and them smashes Adam's face into the turnbuckle five times. Adam crumples to the mat! Shamus grabs Adam's legs...FOUR LEAF CLOVER! Adam cries out...but Shamus has it on hard. Adam grits his teeth...but there's nowhere to run!
Sam: Adam cries out. Ref asks for him to call it quits..but Adam shakes his head no. he won't give up. Shamus sits back harder of Adam...but it's no go! Adam is in the hold for over two minutes...and finally his flailing has ceased. ref checks! Arm falls once! Arm falls twice! This is it baby! NO! Third time the arm stays up! Adam tries to power out..but shamus leanbs back harder! The kids got guts...but he can't get out! Ref checks and over comes Pallfy to provide extra leverage! Wait! A man in a fedora and trenchcoat just jumps over the railing! He pastes Pallfy with a chair busting him open! It's Rob Ian! Shamus lets go of the Cloverleaf and berates Rob. Adam limps to his feet and drives his left knee into the kidneys of Shamus! He whips Shamus around and... Attitude Adjustment! 1...2....3!!!! Upset city! DAMN!
Announcer: Here is your winner...ADAM AGEE!
(Fans mark out. Adam rolls out of the ring to Mandy who hugs him and then helps him limp back to the dressing room. Rob runs through the crowd.)
Sam: THAT STINKS! Shamus had it won.
Talbot: if he had it won...why is out cold, eh?
Sam: Shut up! Fine! Shamus SHOULD be CF champ...but he was ripped off! So I'm going to give him a shot at another title...the WORLD title! Shamus...you're in the six way match at the PPV!
Talbot: WHAT??? Talk about bias!
Sam: So? Give the people what they want!
Talbot: The people HATE shamus!!! They love Adam!
Sam: Eh...Adam may get the CF title. let him be happy with that. Besides I want a man that I used to manage to be world champ! That way I know I'll get a bigger cut...I mean...I'll have a man I can be proud of.
Talbot: well..up next is the big Educational Values Tourney! Members of PTA, School board and various programs are all tuned in to see if Sam can pull off proof that Wrestling can educate! Earlier today we learned greg Townsend had pulled out of the EV tourney....but luckily Paul Barber stepped in with Kan...er...his son! We'll be back with the EV tourney...after this!
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Fred: Ah, what a nice day. *lays down in a hammock*
Barney: Yeah...a nice day to steal your Fruity Pebbles using an overelaborate scheme involving a costume that cost more to put together than I would pay to get my own box!
Fred looks up to see Barney in a Metalhawk costume that's way too small for him. Barney pops out of the costume, grabs the cereal and starts running. Fred gives chase.
Fred: Give me back my Fruity Pebbles!
Barney: Not in a million...oh God...
Fred catches up to Barney and starts pounding on him.
Barney: Fred, stop! This is serious...I think...I think I'm having a heart attack...
Fred: Help! Someone call an ambulence!
Barney: I'm a goner, Fred.
Fred: No! Everything's going to be okay, Barn. Everything's going to be okay...*sob*...
(Barney is rushed to the hosptial)
Medic: Clear!
*BZZZ*
Fred: Oh, Barn...
Barney flatlines.
Medic: I'm sorry, we've lost him.
Fred: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Suddenly, Barney jumps up and steal Fred's Fruity Pebbles. Fred is still crying.
Barney: Sorry, Fred! Heh heh heh!
Voice: Fruity Pebbles, part of a balanced breakfast!
**************************************************
Sam: We're back! Now...for those of you that are confused...the rules of the EV tourney are as follows: There is no wrestling! No brawling or physical contact. Each combatant...er...participant chose a topic out of a hat and will now preform for you their task. The winner will be chosen by our four special judges. As well..this title will be defended every Weds. But now...let's meet our judges! First...you know him as Chachi...and as Charles in Charge! Give it up for SCOTT BAIO!
(No one responds)
Sam: Judge #2...the master of talent shows everywhere...ED McMAHON!!
(Some applause a "We want carson" chant starts.)
Sam: Judge #3...from TV's Politically Incorrect....BILL MAHER!
(Big cheers go out to Bill.)
Sam: And finally Judge #4...all the way from NY state prison...you know him as The Son of Sam...give it up for Eric berkowitz!
(Eric waves via satellite)
Sam: Truly these four can judge intelligence better than any group on earth! And now...for the contestents!