Sam: First....along with Nina Larue...here is one half of the Babe Squad... Tiffany lane!

(Fans go nuts as Tiff and Nina come out. They are dressed very sexy and Sam helps them into the ring.)

Sam: Now Tiffany's chosen task was to write a 20 line poem in heroic couplets about waste management! This will both educate and expand you mind in artsy ways!

(Fans boo.)

Tiffany: Thank you Sam. *ahem*

(Before she can start Surfaris starts playing and out comes River Snow. He enters the ring and Tiffany and Nina prepare for a fight.)

River: Like....chill dudettes. I'm just umm...here...to be culturally enlightened by your grace and um....brain thingy. Just like, chillll, and consider me part of your cheering section.

(Tiff looks strangely at River but looks back at her poem and begins reading.)

Going through a tunnel that's gloomy and so dark
Looking for a lost, little boy whose first name is Mark
The water should be blue
But what am I to do?
When I see that it is black as night
I have never seen such a horrible sight
There's cobwebs all around me, suggesting a spider's lair Who knows what these conditions are doing to my lovely, long, blonde hair?
Have I even began to tell you about the smell?
A smell that is so skanky, it must be the bowels of hell
This place is just so icky and totally unfit
Do the people in this land even feel the need to clean it?
Must I call sanitation
on this dirty, little nation?
As I wander through this maze
I am in such a daze
I'm getting a little fright
Coming here was not too bright
Where are these nasty sewers, that made me take this chance?
Why they're in the land of "oui. oui." The land called Paris, France

(Fans cheer. Tiffany bows. Uncle Sam claps.)

Sam: That was great! And bashing the French! What an artist!

Fat Teacher in the front row: HEY! *BURRRRP* That wasn't in heroic couplets! Each line has to be ten syllables long! She messed up!

(A chant of "You F***ed up" starts!)

Sam: Er....um.....D'oH!

(Tiff just GLARES at the teacher. River comes over, gives her a reasuring hug and offers to kick her ass. Sam holds him back.)

Sam: Well...um...under this new light I guess I have to disqualify you from the tourney. I'm terribly sorry. But don't worry. EV matches do not do anything to your rankings or W-L record. They are a totally seperate catagory. Please wait in that corner over there.

(Tiff walks over while River continues to flirt with her.)

Sam: *sigh* Next up...is the Supermasochistic DeathWish Champion He will be coming Live from South Central LA. his topic was, "Give a speech/demonstration to underprivilged Ghetto Kids." Give it up for ...BLACKTHORNE.

(utter silence for three minutes. The TV doesn't come on at all. Sam looks nervous.)

Sam: Er...umm...

(Shiva comes from the back with a fax. he hands it to Sam.)

Sam: Hey! It's a fax from BT! It reads, "Sam...I'm a bit indisposed. I went and taught the kids about Juggling chainsaws. And you said audience participation would be good for my chances and for thekids and well... umm...I need bail money now. Lots of it. Sorry i can't show you the footage. Cops are withholding it as evidence. -BlackThorne." WHAT??? GOD DAMN IT!

(Sam tears up the paper and his face turns red.)

Sam: I....don't....believe....this! *sighs* Well..it'll get better from here! I mean... it has to! Now for Conetestant #3....Give it up for PAUL MURPHY!

(Fat ass Paul waddles out with a paper in his hand.)

Sam: Paul had to do a piece about, "Examining metaphor in children's literature." This should be very educational! Especially after BT's ...abscence. Take it away paul!

Paul Murphy: The Curious George books are great books in my mind, and yet they do have a little kinky storyline hidden within the series. What the hell is up with the man in the yellow hat? I mean, he goes to the jungle, kidnaps George from his harem of fine ass looking monkey bitches. We never hear about what went on in the cargo bay, where the Yellow Hated Monkey Molester and Curious Bestiality George do on they're way to the big city, or where ever the f*ck the two sick bastards live. Well, I know from experience that George was Anal raped many times by Yellow Condom Wearing Man. The only reason George was curious was because he wanted to find ways to "tease" the man in the yellow hat, to make the bizarre sexual acts even more orgasmic.

Some books that were never released were "Finds a Vibrator", "Supports Kiddy Porn" and "Sticking Coconuts Where the Sun Don't Shine" For some reason parents thought these titles were not suitable for children, I however would have loved to see them. That Man in the Yellow hat is cute, and Curious George in bondage. Wouldn't you have loved to see "Curious George discovers Gay Midget Tranvesite Orgies in Area 51." All and All curious George still rules, and I still think him and the Man in the Yellow Hat, who's hat was white until George pissed on it while having the man's head stuck up his ass for some sexual pleasure. I give the series a 8, due to the fact I love monkeys.

(Paul looks and grins at Sam. Sam stares quietly for a second then punches himself in the jaw.)

Sam: What....WHAT? BEASTIALITY! Can we even mention that on TV? And you swore! You said the F word! On live TV! With parents and priests watching! What's the education in that! I'm ruined!

(Grabs Paul by the throat and strangles him. Shiva restrains him.)

Shiva: Ixnay on the ocking-chay! Education remember!

Sam: I'll educate! I'll educate on the fine arts on strangling fat ass spoots!

Shiva: Remember the money you'll lose by having violence....

Sam: *Takes deep breaths* You're right. You're right. happy place. I'm in a happy place. Happy place. Scrooge McDuck's money bin will be mine!

(Sean Ryan comes down. He tugs on River's Arm. River tells him to go away. Ryan and River bicker about River's flirting with tiffany. Both start arguining and then River shoves Sean.)

Sam: NO FIGHTING! NO FIGHTING! EDUCATION DAMMIT!!!

(Sean and River glare at each other and then Sean threatens Tiffany.)

Shiva: Sean..if you can't be productive...go away and leave the two lovebirds alone.

(Sean glares at Shiva but Sam shakes his head no as if he can read Ryan's thoughts! Ryan jumps out of the ring...walks over to the Spanish table...kicks Jorge in the face while Sam collects his thoughts. Sean grabs Jorge's chair, leaps on the apron where Shiva is asking Ms. Lane about cosmetics. Sean winds up and goes to blindside her...but River pushes her out of the way and takes the full bruntof his partner's chair.. busting his nose and forehead open like someone spilled a pitcher of kool-aid! River slumps to the mat. Sam screams as he imagines the lawsuits brought on by the Moral Majority, and interest groups everywhere.)

Sam: My ulcers!

(River staggers to his feet, tries to grab the ropes to get up...but he grabs Ms. lane's skirt and tears it almost leaving her naked!)

Sam: NO!!! NO! No gratuatous nudity! NOT NOW Anyways...

(Nina gets enraged and thinks River is faking the injury. She picks hits him with the Nina's Knockout Tiff confronts Nina saying that River is really hurt. River gets up from behind. Sean yells, "Behind you." Tiff thinks she is being attacked by River. She elbows him in the testicles and then hip toss him head first onto the guard rail. River is gushing blood and his leg is twisted funny. Sean goes over to his partner. Sam collapses to his knees.)

Sam: This isn;t happening. We're all discussing Melville novels or british poltics. Someone didn't justget run through an abbatoir.

Shiva: I think you're in trouble boss man...

(Medics rush out and examine River. One tells sam he has a broken nose, a concussion and an injured leg. Sam collapses into the fetal position and starts sucking his thumb)

Talbot: (from the broadcast booth) Uh oh.... Well..they're um... loading River onto a stretcher. Sean is following the medics...even though this was all his fault. And because of him..Sam's going to have every anti-violence group on Tv after him. And Phil Mushnick...I hate to see his next column!

(Shiva stands Sam up and slaps him a few times to give him a small does of sanity left.)

Sam: Sheesh...what ELSE can go wrong? Who do we have next Shiva? THE BIG RED RETARTED DEMENTED DENTIST TRUCKER? Great....Might as well put me behind bars now. bring out Tard boy.

(BRRDDT comes out carrying a model of a tree.)

Sam: well...this isn't TOO bad. A tree. That's actually good! *smiles* I think the Tard might have done something good! BRRDDT had to, "Make a paper mache model and write a poem about the object you created. So I guess we get a poem on nature! Take it away BRRDDT.

(BRRDDT grabs a chord on the model and pulls it. Out falls five orange paper mache kittens on five paper mache nooses.)

Sam: Oh f*ck....

BRRDDT: *grabbing his voice thingy*

Sam: Oh sweet mercfiul crap!

Paul Barber: he has another poem. It's about a Little boy and the dangers of a light socket...

Sam: NO! Wh....th....NO! Are you mad? You sick bastards! Get Out..I...GET THE HELL OUT! You know how many kids are crying and are tramuatized by this??? I have families watching this Because I said it would be child friendly! Child friendly isn't hanging kittens! It's...ARRRRRRRGH!>

BRRDDT: THEY AREN'T....REAL KITTENS

Sam: Well THANK YOU! Here I thought the ASPCA and PETA would be on my case too! Well, at least I only have ever single flaming liberal and overly concerenced religious psychopath lining up outside FWO corporate headquartes waiting to play, "Sue America Inc!" THANK YOU ALL! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR RUINING MY LIFE! This was supposed to be education! I was going to get the critics of wrestling's back...

Shiva: umm...Sam?

sam: Not now Shiva..I'm in the process of going mad.

Shiva; but...

Sam: I was going to make wrestlign a family sport! The sport of the 21st century. Where parents could come for the T&A and mindless mayhem while the kids could learn about fractions and semicolons. Instead..what do I get? A wrestler maimed and 1st graders everywhere will being asking their their teachers tomorrow about Beastialiity and how to properly tie a hangman's knot! Now I see why Darque is gone from wrestling! Because it makes everyone into a flaming IDIOT!

Shiva: SAM!!!!

Sam: WHAT????

Shiva: Solomon still has to go...

Sam: Oh. We can't forget about that! Let's see? What was his topic? "Compare animals in children's literature." Oh this should be good! What's he gonna do? Compare Old Yeller to Cujo? Explain why if Hitler had a pet cat it would be garfield? Fine! What do I care? Bring him out! he's can't ruin things anymore then they are.

(Solomon comes out with Honey. It's hard to tell whether Honey is concerned for Sam..or finds this funny.)

Sam: What are you waiting for....bring me another lawsuit!

Solomon:There is a conspiracy afoot in childrens literature and it is personified by the two diverse characters of Clifford, The Big Red Dog, and Bunnicula. Bunnicula, small, cute, furry, and strictly vegetarian, is made an icon of mystery to small children, paving the way as they grow, for them to delve into the realms of horror, gothic literature and suspense. But is Bunnicula actually a _bad_ character? He doesn't hurt other animals on the food chain, but is still ruthlessly persecuted by the other domesticated animals, and children actually cheer this bully-like behaviour on. This mental aberration on their part is probably due to having vandals and monsters like Clifford, The Big Red Dog, shoved down their impressionable young throats from a much earlier age. Sure Clifford is cuddly. Sure, Clifford _seems_ friendly. But did anyone actually think about the damage such a creature would cause the environment? Every time the big idiot mongrel sits or lies down he's rendering entire colonies of small animals and insects extinct. So why are the true natures of these beasts being ignored? Is it because big, overstuffed, red dogs are easier to mass produce as toys than distinctively marked bunnies with fangs? No. In this authors humble opinion, it's an attempt by the government to exercise mind control on the younger generation. The message is clear and dangerous - Being big red and cuddly is desirable, no matter how much damage you cause, but being nocturnal, having oddly shaped teeth, or deviating from socially deemed "norms" of behaviour in any way, is to be feared, loathed and gotten rid of.

(Solomon is quiet. So is Sam. Shiva motions for the boys from the back to bring a straightjacket. Then...Sam smiles!)

sam: Wait. No sexual references. No poor grammar. No scarring of impressionable young minds! Explains that looks aren't what matters..what's inside is. Tells about pressures of society...(glances at the judges who for once are smiling.) YES! YES! YES!!!!! We have a winner! We have a winner! Ladies and gentlemen...your first ever Educational Values champion...and the only person who actually enlightened anyone's mind in any way....SOLOMON!

(Fans cheer. Solomon is escastic. Shiva sighs in relief that he won't have to commit sam.)

Talbot: Well what do you know? it actually accomplished something.

Sam: (to Shiva) Now I just have to spin this so the media focuses on this instead of the others...

Shiva: Want me to kill them?

Sam: No...not yet.

(Fans cheer. Solomon is awarded his belt and Sam pops a tranquilizer.)

Talbot: Well...We are outta time. For HiD and the now half-mad Sam...I'm Lord Talbot! See you sunday!