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(Opening of the card has footage of a forest. In small white print at the lower-left hand of the screen in the scentence, "Caught on tape earlier today." We see a bunch of campers eating in the YellowStone National Park.)
Father: Yum yum. I love picnics! pass some more ham sweetie!
Mother: Sure thing dear! Kids...care for some Apple Pie?
Kids: PIE PIE PIE!
(Camera then gets a shot of Ferrett hiding in a grove of trees watching them eat. behind him play his new adopted "siblings.")
Bear cub1: RRRR! *chews on Ferrett's ankles*
Ferrett: (kicking him aside) Shut up! (stomach growls) Man....that's real food! Chicken! Deviled eggs! Jell-O Salad! All I've had is Berries, Shrooms and raw fish for the last week! I gotta get me some of that!)
Dad: Boy I'm stuffed!
Son: me too!
Mom: well...guess we'll have to Throw all this food away if we're done!
Ferrett (Who comes running out of the bushes) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Family: AHHHHH! A BEAR!
(Family runs off, dropping their food.)
Ferrett: I don't look like a bear! (stomach growls) Oh Yeah! Eat the food! (reaches into the pic-a-nic basket and grabs an turkey drumstick)
Voice from behind: Hey Boo-Boo bear! Aren't you gonna share with your old pall Yogi?
(ferrett turns around and...HEY THERE! It's Yogi Bear!)
Ferrett: Bears can't talk...
Yogi: Last time I checked old Buddy, talking was easy as 1-2-3 for Ol' Yogi!
Ferrett: A bear that talks in rhyme? *shrugs* Must be a delusion brought on by voracious hunger...
(Yogi and ferrett eat the food.)
Yogi: So Boo Boo...how'd you steal this pic-a-nic basket?
Ferrett: I'm not Boo Boo...
Yogi: Come on Boo Boo! Tell Old Yogi!
Ferrett: I just ran at them screaming. They crapped their pants and fled!
Yogi: HEY HEY HEY! I feel like such a schnook! All these years of coming up with crazy schemes and clever capers! And al we had to do was run up and scare them away from their food! Boo Boo ol' Buddy...we've hit the jackpot!
Ferrett: I'm Not Boo Boo!
(Family sits down on the other side of the grove from our new duo)
Yogi: Watch this Boo Boo!
(Yogi gets up makes a snarling grimace and charges)
Yogi: RARRRRARARARARARRRRRR...
BANG!
(Suddenly Yogi falls to the ground and his eyes roll back in his head. Ferrett walks over to him as Ranger Smith heads from a clearing.)
Ranger: Poor Old Yogi. He finally went crazy. (Takes his hat off and puts on his heart.
Ferrett: Dude! You shot a talking bear! He could talk!
Ranger: Boo Boo...There was a report filed by a family about a stinky Midget bear that attacked them. it must have been you. You've been pretty rowdy as of late.
Ferrett: I'm not this frickin Boo Boo!
Ranger: Don't raise your voice at me Boo Boo! (raises his gun)
Ferrett: OH S***! (Runs like hell)
BANG!
(Ferrett gets a dart in the ass)
Ferrett: Animal tranquilizer! (drops to one knee)
Ranger: Sorry Boo Boo...but I think you're not meant to live in the forest anymore. A quick neutering and then we can ship you off to the San Diego zoo. Once your source of testoterone is gone..you'l be a happy payful bear again!
Ferrett: (Blacking out) I'm not a bear! I'M not...boo....ZZZZZ.
Ranger: Poor little Guy. *Flips his cell phone* Need a truck for a bear to ship off....
(Fade Out)
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(Pyro shoots up and we are live from Las Vegas. Arthur, Wilbur and Raskolnikov sit at the announcer table while a chant of
"Gold-Bear! Gold-bear!" echoes throughout the arena. One fan holds a sign reading, "MORE TULU!" Another holds a sign reading,
"I like Scabs!" Yet a third reads, "Will Work for vomit!" Then the Camera swings back to our triumverate of fun!)
Arthur: What a card tonight! 3 big title matches! A grudge tag match! And two other matches! Tonight is a great way to kick off the week!
Wilbur: Man vs. nature yet again! Can Adam Agee triumph over a 12 foot grizzly? I doubt it!
Raskolnikov: The Vacant SMDW will be claimed as well. One half of the tag champs Rob ian faces the Ex-Champ Blackthorne!
Arthur: But First, let's get to our opening tag bout!
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Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen..this tag match is for one fall with a 20 minute time limit! Coming to the ring first, at a combined weight of 547 lbs...here are Carnage and Pimp..the Knights of hardcore!
(Fans boos and throw thrash at them. One fan holds a sign saying "PImp has the Clap!")
Wilbur: First time seeing any of these teams go at it. Both these guys want to make Unforgiven pay for his controversial win over Venom last week...
Announcer: Their opponents, at a total combined weight of 1060 lbs (!!!) here are Purple haze and unforgiven...the House of Pain!
(more boos. Both grimace and flex for the camera. One fan holds a sign reading, "I miss orgasmatron!")
Raskolnikov: Wake me when these shelps are gone....
Arthur: Unforgiven and Pimp are starting off. Pimp seems to have been running from Unforgiven for quite some time...
Raskie: Lock up! Unforgiven backs his smaller opponent into the ropes! ref calls for a clean break, but Unforgiven instead drives his shoulder into the ribs of Pimp. Again. Now Unforgiven backs up and goes for a lariat, but Pimp with a back drop and Unforgive flies over the top and to the floor. Unforgiven turns around, and gets a baseball slide from Pimp. Both men now exchanging blows on the floor. Unforgiven with a kick to the chest and then an axhandle blow to the neck! Unforgiven goes to irish whip Pimp into the guardrail, but Pimp reverses and Unforgiven hits it hard. Pimp from behind...back suplex on the floor! Pimp rolls in, then back out to restart the count! Pimp grabs Unforgiven by the mask, but Unforgiven with a knee to..suprise! The groin!
Arthur: Unforgiven with a northern Lights bomb on the floor and then he rolls Pimp back in the ring. Unforgiven climbs in and tags Purple Haze! Pick up and...double vertical suplex! Unforgiven leaves the ring and Haze sits on Pimps face and works him over with a series of fists. Ref forces a break! Pimp gets to his feet...but Haze with a big Cresent kick to the head! Can we say Hong Kong Fooey?
Wilbur: Haze whips Pimp into the neutral corner! Avalanche time..but Pimp ecxtends his leg and catches haze in the forehead with his boot! Haze reels! Pimp out of the corner with a bulldog and with his free arm extended...he tags Carnage!
Raskie: Blah Blah Blah! Carnage in. He stomps on haze. Drops a series of elbows into his back. Typical big man brawler stuff. he picks up haze and slams him to the mat. Carnage hooks on a reverse chinlock...and every time the ref turns away...he grabs Pimp's hand for extra leverage. Okay.. why the hell do people even bother applying the reverse chinlock! They always get out! Oh look! Haze to his feet! Suprise! haze with a series of elbows and then a mule kick to get free. Nut shot! Only one so far tonight?
Arthur: No..there was another.
Raskie: Pervert for keeping track!
Wilbur: haze with a lunge and he tags back in unforgiven! Unforgiven levels Carnage with a running knee lift to the bread basket! No he grabs Canrage by the head and smashes him face first intot he turnbuckles repeatedly! But What's this! Pimp has left the apron and has gotten himself a chair! Unforgiven has Carnage clouched in the corner and is choking him with the heel of his boot.
Arthur: Pimp sneaks over to the HoP corner and...drives the chair into the inside of Haze's leg! No he does it again..but this time the ref catches him! Ref is calling for the bell!
DING DING DING!
Raskie: Pimp again slams that chair into Haze's leg! Unforgiven goes to help Haze! he leaves the ring and spins Pimp around! Big right hand! But Carnage from behind with a chair to the head of Unforgiven! The Knights of Hardcore may have lost this match By DQ..but they're laying out the House of Pain! Ref has the bell rung some more...but again Carnage and pimp flatten their opponents with the chairs!
Wilbur: From the stands...it's Homely Simpson! He's got that golf club again. What is a hick doing with a golf club anyways?
Arthur: He cracks the one wood into the back of Carnages head! he ducks a chair shot from pimp, shoves the shaft of his club into the chest of PImp and then breaks the club over the neck of Pimp! Homley has laid out the Knights of Hardcore!
Wilbur: Everyone's been laid out! Homley gets a mass of cheers and runs to the crowd once more. Here comes some medics to check on these guys. I'm sure this feud isn't over by a long shot..and a new person may have just entered the fray!
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Wilbur: It's time for us to go to the hosptial a mile from here for
the SMDW title match! it shoulkd be exciting as...*SQUAWWARK*
[Suddenly transmission gets a little blury. The trio of announcers are watching themselves on the television, wondering what happens. Than the picture is focused on a dark room with only the light of a television showing the face of Tommy Dobbs, greatest broadcaster ever. He's drinking a beer and is looking at the palm cor...err...camera as he takes a sip of his beer.]
Tommy: Finally I have them outsmarted! With this place, I could have the whole show to broadcast! A little cold...but hey, no one ever likes warm beer. So let's get...
["Wave Crest" River Snow walks into the dark room. The door is heard to be slammed shut as River Snow bounces over to Tommy, laughing a little.]
Tommy: Hey, what the...where'd you...what are you doing in here?!
River: Chill dude, me and Sean are playing manhunt...to like, stimulate our wrestling abilities or something. Boy this is the place dude, Sean will never find me in the...
Tommy: Shh! I don't want anyone to know where we are you stupid maroon! If you ruin this for me I swear I am going to take your stupid little brain and ram up your stupid fat...
River: Hey, what's on dude?
Tommy: Oh...I don't know myself actually. Right now we're on. (River looks closer, waves at the palmcorder, than looks back at the small television set to see himself waving.) Don't get too excited, there's going to be a match going on soon...and since it's so high on the card I doubt that it'll be one of your matches. I guess I'll let you stay in here to help me commentate. Here, grab a microphone and join in the fun.
River: (Tommy hands him a beer.) But dude, this is like...
Tommy: When are you going to grow some hair on your chest and become a man River? Just drink the thing up man. Texx and Killa wouldn't think twice about something like this. They'd crack that can right open and inhale that stuff like it was their last breath. Ahh, old memories. We need more macho, good people in this fed River. Don't get me wrong, but you really suck compared to Dirty Little Bastards. I mean, they'd wipe the floor with you guys and anyone else in this stupid federation that won't give me a job.
River: (He looks at Tommy wierd.) Dude, I shave my chest man, but I still have hair.
Tommy: Shut up! The match is about to start.
[The scene fades into a hospital room where a doctor is carefully slicing open the patient's chest to perform triple bipass surgery on him. Suddenly one of the doctor's takes off his mask and grabs a microphone from the chest of tools. The other doctors just look at him as a spurt of blood comes out of the patient.]
Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the following match-up has a twenty minute time limit and is for the vacant FWO Super Machoistic Death Wish Championship! Introducing first, he is a former FWO SMDW Champion. Hailing from Daytona Beach, Floridia, weighing in at 285 pounds and standing at 6 feet, 6 inches, he is Diarmuid Blackthorne!
["Cult of Personality" by In Living Colour plays through the hospital as the doors of the operating room swing open. Diarmuid Blackthorne walks down into the room with an evil smile on his face. Going over to a medicine chest, he starts opening it and looking at the various medical potions, laughing a little as he flips through the complicated names. The ring announcer than goes to announce his opponent.]
Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, now his opponent. Hailing from Chicago, Illinios, weighing in at 265 pounds and standing at 6 feet, 5 inches, he is Rob Ian!
["Descent" by Fear Factory plays throughout the hospital as Rob Ian opens the door to the operating room. He stares at Diarmuid across the room as he adjusts the brace on his leg. Diar gives a flashy smile as reaches for something behind his back. He charges at Rob with a needle of some type of medicine in it.]
Tommy: Here we go! Finally some action! Diar strikes and...aww, Rob slammed the door shut. That was cheap, he should've taken the hit like a man. I know I would've. The medicine probably would've made him better, couldn't have made him worse, eh Riv? (Tommy nudges him as he grabs a beer.) You know, speaking of medicine, I could sure use something to cure this dry throat.
River: Okay, cool. Anyway, Diar is pacing inside the room with the needle in his hand. The dude is such a spoot man...I mean, he lost to some smelly dude and now he just expects this title thing? Hello, back where I come from we have this little thing I like to call...like uh, respect I guess. He is so lucky that Ferret isn't a hardcore dude or else he'd be here right now. Anyways, that Diar dude is like, still pacing and now...whoa, he just threw the guy that was like, having surgery off the table! Dude, that was pretty mean. And now...the door is like, opening and here comes Rob. He looks around and he can't see Diar. He's on the table you spoot! Don't go near the...
Tommy: Shh! People will find us...besides, he can't hear you. Closer...closer...and...Diar attacks! He sticks the needle right...eww! He stuck it right in his upper thigh, right near is...
River: Diar is a no good rotten spoot man!
Tommy: Hey, this is hardcore man. Diar takes the leg with the brace on it and starts driving his knee into it. Now he picks up Rob and tosses him into the padded wall...oh that just sucked right there. Diar sees this and takes a scapel from the tray. He starts tearing away at the padding! Now he checks to make sure everything is hard where he teared and...an a-o-k there. He picks up Rob and throws his head in...no, Rob reversed it that moron! Diar's head is in the wall...why did fate work that way? Now Rob is repeating forearms to the back of the neck of the obviously better and more wiser Diarmuid Blackthorne who is probably faking the...
River: Shut up dude, Rob is like, kicking his umm...behind. Rob now grabs that Diar dude in a dragon sleeper and holds it for a while. See dude, Rob is gonna like, annhiliate Di...whoa! Dragon suplex out of like, no where! And quickly Rob is on top of him like, camel clutching the living daylights out of that spoot Diar. Dair is screaming right now, and like, he's scrambling for something. He gets a...a...leg of a cart and starts pulling. It's coming straight towards him and knocks Diar right in the nose! Ha ha, what a spoot! He could've just like, broken his nose with that!
Tommy: You maroon, look what happened to Rob. Diar forced the cart to have a heart regulator machine type...thing...fall right on the head of Rob, thus breaking the hold, thus you're a moron. Now Diar holds his nose and they're both on the ground in pain. Rob gets up and rubs his head a little. He stumbles up and heads over to the group of doctors. Hey, he can't take the mask of that doctor! He might breathe on the patient while doing surgery! An innocent victim might die now!
River: So could that Diar dude, Rob is choking him with that like, doctor's mask. But the doctor starts like, walking over...and he's looking a little PO-ed dude. He grabs the mask back and puts it back on! Rob looks a little mad as he like, gets up and argues or something. Dair holds his neck a little as he starts crawling to the Rob dude. No! Turn around Rob! He's gonna...
Tommy: Would you just shut up?! He can't hear you! Now Diar winds up and...a beautifully executed low blow...but...Rob isn't rolling on the floor in pain and holding his...
River: It must be that spoot Cady!
Tommy: No, it's not. Diar must've put in some type of numbing thing. Now Diar is crawling backwards trying to plea with Rob. Rob draws in closer and kicks Diar right in the chin! Diar is against the wall and Rob starts choking him with his boot. What a boring match. Meanwhile the doctors are putting the patient back on the table. I think he's already dead. I wonder who that poor guy is. Oh well, back to the match. Rob picks up Diar by the neck and puts him up in a hydrolic press and starts to torture rack him. Ouch, Diar has to be hurting now. They head over towards the operating table and...a Death Valley Driver right onto the patient...and the table breaks in half! Boy these doctors are pissed off now! Rob gets up on a big cabinet and a leg drop and...no! Diar put the patient in the way! Rob landed the leg drop right on the patient and a gush of blood just went into Rob's eyes! What clever angling by the greatest single's wrestler ever. Rob is looking around for a clothe to wipe off the blood and finds a doctor's gown. Meanwhile Diar is up at the door, leaning up. Rob is clean and he sees Diar against the wall. He rushes and...Diar opens the door right in front of Rob! His head broke the door off the hinge and they're both on the ground with the door on top of them!
River: Ouch dude, that had to hurt Rob more than that dumb spoot. But the dumb spoot is up first...bummer. He picks up a case of like, operating tools and throws the whole kit at the Rob dude on the floor! He now leans the two broken parts of the operating table together to like...well...sorta fix it. He kicks some tools under it and like, heads over to Rob. He picks him up by the head and puts him on his shoulder and...powerbomb throught the table...again...and onto the like, tools and junk down there. He now heads over and gets the gel stuff that they put on for the like, zappy thing and shoves it down the...eww, he put it in Rob's nose! Dis-like-gusting.
Tommy: Oh boy, he's juicing those electrical babies up...and shocks Rob right in the knee with the brace on it! Rob is in pain and starts bouncing around...but Diar doesn't stop there! Right in the chest of Rob...and again...and now a doctor comes over to stop Diar. Diar shocks the doctor though! Now he starts heading over and shocking everyone else in his way! What the hell is going on? Pay attention to that maroon on the ground! Everyone is down now and Diar goes for the pin...one...two...thra, no! Rob somehow twists over or something, but he kicked out! Dammit, this really sucks! Now Dair picks him up and bodyslams him into the wreckage. He starts going over to the cabinet and starts looking through it again. He brings out another needle and is heading over to Rob. He stabs...the floor. Rob moves over at the last second. Rob now gets up and grabs a tray and hobbles out on both legs out into the hallway!? Uh-oh.
River: Whoa man, I thought this thing was supposed to just be in this operating room type doctor's place. At least that's what Rob told me in the locker room.
Tommy: Riv...no one talks to you in the locker room. Don't kid yourself.
River: Well...he told his wife chick and I sorta overheard. But where is he going? Diar is following him though and the dude is out in the hallway. He looks around the corner and like...wow, a try to the head of Diar! Diar is down and Rob quickly grabs him and...a like, piledriver right onto the tiled floor! Here comes a patient type dude being rushed somewhere and...Rob puts his body in front of it and like, everything falls over onto Diar! That dumb spoot has probably a dead body on him! Ha, what a spoot!
Tommy: Don't make fun of him you maroon, he might be hurt. Damn that Rob Ian...damn him to hell for this! Oh great, now the pin. One...two...thra, he kicks out! Yes, Diar kicks out! Now he's trying to get up and...oh, Rob kicks him in the back of the neck. Cheap. He picks up the stretcher and puts Diar on it. He now starts running him into walls and stuff...how cheap is this?
River: Here they go, into the reception place! All the chicks and dudes are pretty confused right now. Rob throws Diar into a wall...and again! He's running Dair into that check in booth place and...no, that dumb spoot flipped Rob over him and Rob slams into the booth and lands on...oh man! That stretcher thingy just rammed right into him! Right into his leg no less...how spootish. Dair now gets up and holding his like, neck I guess. He sees River down and like, smiles or something. He sets the stretcher back up and like, picks Rob up. He sits Rob on that check in place and Diar jumps and...hurricurana onto the stretcher...and the stretcher starts rolling down the hallways! Dair just rests up...what kind of spoot is that?
Tommy: Doesn't matter what he does, Rob Ian just flew down into a stairway. Diar hurries to a room and...he comes out with a first aid kit. Diar now goes to an elevator and opens it up. He's going down now...and now he's all the way down. Rob's wreckage is on the bottom of the stairs. He goes over and opens the kit up. He now has out some bandage and...he starts choking him with it! He now bashes the case over the head of Rob Ian! Rob holds his head as Diar picks him up by the little collar he made around the neck of Rob with that bandage. He snap mares him over his shoulders a few times...and they're going outside to the ambulences! Diar opens one of the doors and shoves Rob in one of them! He gets in the driver seat and starts to drive...down the stairs of the parking lot! Diar is...
River: Get choked by that Rob dude! Rob has his hands around Diar's neck through that like, hole that doctor dudes talk to other dudes in the back from. Dair is out of control now and...they like, crash that ambulence into the side of a wall...bummer man. That must suck for them. Dair is now in the back now and Rob is like, down and everything is all over the place. Well, Rob is the first dude up and he like, chokes Dair. He now picks him up and...like...packages Diar up into a fisherman's...no, it's like, a brainbuster, right onto the stretcher. He takes him and like, throws him out the door of the like, truck or whatever.
Tommy: This is looking bad...and Rob with a running start jumps and finally connects with the leg drop...right on the pavement! Darnit, this match really stinks. Here's a cover...one...two...a kickout! Yes, God is a Diarmuid fan! Rob is stunned at the kickout and gets up and heads into the ambulence to get something out of it. Diar gets up and starts climbing the top of the ambulence. Rob is out and...he doesn't know Diar is right over him. Here comes...Diar just steps down into the back though...Rob didn't see him though. Diar turns on the amnesia mask and sneaks behind Rob. He kicks a pan and Rob turns around and...right into the face! Rob is going down...down...and he's out. Diar won't take any risks though and gets to the top of the ambulence and...an elbow drop! He picks up Rob and leans him against the ambulence. He finds a small piece of shrapnel from the crash and puts it on his middle finger and...The Thorne! One...two...three! He did it! Yeah!
Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this bout and, for the second time, FWO Super Machoistic Death Wish Champion, Diarmuid Blackthorne!
[Diar rubs his neck as he collapses over onto Rob who stays there and lays unconscious. Doctors from the operating room rush over...than seeing who it is slow down and smile.]
River: Hey, one of those doctors looks like that Sean "Edge" Stone dude. Doctor Stone...whoa, nice ring to it man. I guess it's true, FWO does make you like, smarter.
Tommy: What the hell happened to you than? (There's an opening of the door as the shadow of someone is seen.) Hey, who the hell is that?!
???: I've found you, you incompetent little piece of garbage. You shall pay for what you have done dearly you fat man. Now put that beer down and get the hell out of here before I have to get the hell in there and slice your friggin' manhood off with my fingernails. (Tommy runs right by and leaves. The shadow is revealed to be Sean with a piece of paper in hand.) Alright dude, I found you man. It's your turn to take the script and like, try to find me. Hey man, is that root beer in your hand? Where'd you get that stuff?
River: Don't know. That Tommy dude just like, gave it to me and said giving hair on my chest means I won't like, be a Dirty Little Texan and I'd Killa bastard.
Sean: Whoa...strong words. Hey man, this was a good hiding place...the 'champion's' locker room and all. The dude won't mind. He has to like, fight that Adam dude anyway, he won't be here till like, later. (He hands River the script.) Here ya go man, I hide now. You go and like, when you find me you have to read that, okay?
[River nods as he leaves, giggling a little. Sean closes the door and ducks in front of the television, watching himself. He looks at the palmcorder, waves at it, than watches the television with himself on it. He smiles a little as he grabs a jar of honey, eating it and laughing about how good he thinks he is at the game he's playing.]
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Wilbur: Damn pirate transmissions! At least we're back in business. But fans...while
you were watching that SMDW match...JoJo came out and had AGAIN failedthe drug test!
he's become a smack junkie! he's in the ring weilding a chair and the cops have surrounded him!
Slammin' JoJo: Hey Get away from me you donut eattin' jabrones, I don't take heroin! I was framed by Scott Douglas! I have SOLID proof that he deals drugs to some of the wrestlers in the FWO!
Wilbur Fields: What is he talking about?
Slammin' JoJo: Play the tape!
(Video is shown of Scott Douglas meeting with Dylan in the Yellowstone National Park, he's in a dark area. He quickly opens up a suitcase, inside it there are about 12 needles full of heroin! He hands a needle to Dylan, and Dylan hands him what appears to be money. They shake hands, and walk off in different directions. )
Slammin' JoJo: See that, he's dealing to the rookies! He framed me damn it! I am not a junkie, but all the drug dealers are jabrones!
Cop: I'm sorry Mr. Murphy...
Slammin' JoJo: JoJo, and what the hell can you do for Ferret! He's sucking Bear tit for milk!
Cop: yes, Mr. JoJo... We can't do anything for Ferret, it's way out of our jurisdiction.
Slammin' JoJo: Damn it!
(JoJo argues with the cops as they walk back into the locker rooms, to arrest Scott Douglas.)
Wilbur: This is insane! they're going to arrest the Phenom as a drug dealer! Folks...this is just ODD!