********************************************************************
(Scene before the card. Inside the arena sits Roy with Shiva, Arthur, Raskolnikov and Sam.)
Sam: *sigh* Okay...go over it with him AGAIN...
Shiva: Now...You know what you're doing tonight Roy?
Roy: Cow-tipping?
Sam: ARRRRRGH! NO!!
Arthur: You're going to colour-commentate.
Roy: I can't hold crayons. I'm a ghost!
SAM: ARRRRRGH! My ulcers are gettting ulcers!
Shiva: no no no. Colour commentating is calling matches. Blow by blow. You're a wrestling announcer now. You describe what's happening in the ring.
Raskolnikov: Whose stupid idea was this? I mean...He was dead before this sport ever began! He won't know a suplex from a flying butt pliers!
Roy: HEY! I know what a flying butt pliers is! I watch ren and Stimpy ya know!
Sam: Okay..at least he has some idea...
(HUNTER IN DARKNESS wanders in with an old 96'er in his maw.)
Shiva: *sigh* Where'd you get that. I made you some curried fruits! Your cholesterol must be through the roof!
Arthur: I bet Keviun Hunter said nearly the same thing...
Sam: Funny..only one person should have a 96 ounce steak and thats....oh S***!
(Suddenly a cacophonous roar is heard. A techie is hurtled from the second tier of the arena into the ring.)
Shiva: You...
Arthur: Stole...
Raskolnikov: from...
Sam: THE BEAR????
Bear: RARRRRRRRR!
HID: RARRRR!
Bear (Seeing steak): RARRRRRRR!
HID (flattens his ears and his eyes become slits): RRRRRRRRR!
Shiva: Oh shit.
Raskolnikov: This is the apocalypse isn't it?
Roy: I thought commies were athiests.
Raskolnikov: great. The dead guy doesn't know jack about pro wrestling, but somehow he's learned McCarthism.
Bear: (on hind legs) RARRRRRRRRRRRR!
HiD: RARRRRRRRRR!
Sam: Dear god..the bear has a 5 foot hieght advantage...
Roy: If we're zoo keepers...shouldn;t we restrain these two?
Shiva: C'mere Roy...Don't want Sam to exorsise you.
Roy: Sam is Fools Crow?
(Bear reaches out with a paw and grabs one end of the raw beef. Hid tightend his jaws on it and begins pulling. The bear in turn pulls back.
A surreal tug of war ensues.)
HID: RARRRR!
Bear: RARRRRR!
Sam: Don't damage the champ! He has to maul..er..wrestle Adam Agee tonight!
(Bear takes his other arm and swings at HID. HID ducks and starts flailing away with his clawed little paws.)
Shiva: See. This is what hapopens when you don;t meditate.
Sam: THEY'RE &*^&*(^*& ANIMALS YOU BIG DUMB HOMO!
Shiva; You wouldn't call Kevin that...
(When things look their absolute worse...the lights go out)
Sam: NONONONONONO!
("Graveyard Symphony" done entirely by dinner and ice cream bells starts up.)
Raskolnikov: great...it's the WWF come to sue us!
Sam: No you idiot! It's the underbaker!
(an eerie mist..that smells like fudge fills the darkned arena)
Roy: HEY! FUDGE! Times like this I wish i could eat...
Arthur: How can you smell..but you can't eat?
(The lights come back on. The Underbaker enters the room with do "Druids" who are wearing black chef
hates and carrying two pans of pastries. They walk over to Brown-Bear's begin feeding them to the World Champ.)
HID: RARRRR!
Sam: Oh shut up! You got the steak!
HID: RRRR! (eats the steak happily)
Roy: i thought Chocolate was a laxative for animals?
UnderBaker: Errr Fools ... tonight is the beginning of the "Higher Plan". Ahh, Brown-Bear, how does it feel being the champ?
Brown-Bear: RRRRRRRR! (accidentally sticks a Druid's head in his mouth and ther others have to pry him free.)
Underbaker: Enjoy it why it last. For I am the Lord of Pastries, and you will
accept me as your baker! Eat....In....Peace.
(The two druid's finish feeding the bear the unholy funeral fudge. The champ sniffs
them, and then begins devouring them.)
Underbaker: So my rein of terror begins!
Sam: he better not get sick you fat freak!
(UB just walks off with his druids.)
Shiva: well..that's over.
(Both bear and wolf, tummies full curl up and go to sleep)
Roy: Awwwwwww.
Sam: Well...every loose end is wrapped up. And quite nicely too...
Shiva: Er...Sam?
Sam: What?
Shiva: if Roy's a ghost...how's he gonna wear the headsets and announce?
Sam: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*******************************************************************
(fireworks go off..and this ohio crowd goes berzerk for yet another Sunday night Slobberknocker.
A bunch of fans are fighting amongst themselves for a plastic cup that
Tiffany lane drank out of while watching signing autographs before the show.
One fans wearings nothing but a pair of briefs and has painted hair
all over his body. He holds a sign saying, "I worship ferrett!" Another fan
hurls a ball of feces at yet another fan who holds a sign reading, "I like Kiddice. Then
we clip over to the announce booth where our intrepid threesome sit.)
Roy: hello folks! this is going to be the greatest three hour Nitro in the history of three hours Nitros! Boy I sure
hope that jerk Hollywood Hulk Hogan doesn;t come out with his NWO thugs!
Arthur: What the hell? You're reading off a telescript from a two year old Nitro!
Roy: Shiva told me to read and watch old epsiodes.
Raskolnikov: That doesn't mean you use their old material! This is the FWO...not WCW!
Roy: Oh, I see! Okay..how's this. "Hey folks! I can't wait for tonights main event! Baron Von Rashke and GIJoe's #1 man, Sgt. Slaughter prepare
to face Badd Company and their manager Diamond Dallas page in a handicapped match! BUT DDP'S never stepped foot in the squared circle. Who's really the handicapped team?
Arthur: What the? That's an OLD AWA script!
Roy: I thought you said we WERE the AWA?
Raskolnikov: WHAT???? WHAT??? FWO? AWA! Only the middle letter is the same!!!!
Roy: Okay...sorry.
Arthur: Now...try it again.
Roy: HEY HEY! It's time once again for the most unpredictable show on TV! Four Great matches tonight...including a HELL IN THE CELL match! My skins
crawling and my nipples would lactate if they could for this great action packed wrestling fest we have planned tonight!
Raskolnikov: WHAT? NO! That's from an old FWO card! Weds, 4/28!
Roy: What's wrong? You said it was FWO?
Arthur: Don't say what other people said. You have to say stuff yourself.
Roy: Buit I did say that stuff!
Arthur: NO! Say original stuff. original thoughts!
Roy: original stuff. original thoughts!
Arthur: ARRRRRRRRGH! It's like some cheesy skit written at the last second to placate readers...I mean viewers!
Raskolnikov: let's just go to the ring...
Ring Announcer: This match is a one fall, thirty minute, time limit bout. First, from Los Angeles, CA, and weighing in at 242 lbs, Rebel X!
("California Love" by Tupac plays as Rebel X makes his way to ringside.
There is a mixed reaction from the fans as he enters the ring. Rebel X
wears a Jersey that has "Rebel X" written on the front and "F**K It!"
written on the back. He wears ripped jeans and Airwalks, a black
bandanna on his head.)
Ring Announcer: And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by Ferrett,
weighs in at 256 lbs and hails from Chicago, ILL. He is Slammin' JoJo!
(There is a mixed reaction as JoJo walks out, followed closely by
Ferrett. JoJo wears black, wrestling pants, with "JoJo Jugglar" written
on the seat, and dark, blue shoes. His hair is short and dyed blue. He
teases a few of the fans before entering the ring. )
(Rebel X plays to the crowd a bit and JoJo attacks him with a fast
dropkick to the back of the head. The ref orders the ringing of the bell
and the match is under way. JoJo batters Rebel X with a flurry of
forearm shots to the face. He whips the Los Angeles native to the ropes
and knocks him off of his feet with a spear. He lifts Rebel X and
powerslams him. JoJo covers but only manages a two count. He lifts Rebel
X again and punishes him with a another running power slam. JoJo stomps
on X's back, driving footstomps in his back. JoJo mounts the second rope
and lands feet first on Rebel X's back. He whips Rebel X to the ropes
again and catches him with a punishing lariat. JoJo covers and Rebel X
manages to kick out before the ref reaches three. JoJo lifts Rebel X
and sends him to the ropes for another lariat but X ducks and rebounds
off the ropes, surprising JoJo wtha cross body block. Rebel X manages a
two count and then Northern Lights suplexes JoJo for another two count.
Rebel X does a Perfect plex and JoJo once more kicks out. He lifts JoJo
and delivers the Revolution in the center of the ring! Rebel X mounts
the top turnbuckle and tries a Frog splash but JoJo rolls out of the
way. Rebel X crashes to the mat in pain. JoJo gets to his feet and lifts
Rebel X into a bear hug!
Rebel X strains to get out of the hold but JoJo has it cinched in. The
ref checks for Rebel X's submission but he refuses to give up. JoJo
decides to switch tactics and plants X in the mat with a slam. He grabs
X by the head and DDT's him in the mat. He covers but Rebel X kicks out again. JoJo lifts Rebel X high in the air and delivers a quick Michinoku
Driver. He follows up with a Liger bomb and manages another two count.
JoJo motions to the crowd that it's almost over. He lifts Rebel X on his
shoulders and does a TKO! Rebel X's face crashes into the mat. JoJo
picks him up and scoop slams X. The Chicago native goes to the top rope
and comes off with a perfect moonsault, his full 256 lbs smashing into
Rebel X. JoJo seems to be toying with X now, as Rebel X seems to be out
of it. JoJo whips him to the ropes for a backdrop but X counters wth a
rocker dropper! Rebel X stumbles back to his feet and drops a leg across
JoJo's throat. He goes to the top and rocks JoJo witha missile drop
kick! He lionsaults JoJo and gets a two count. X slaps the mat in
frustration and snap suplexes JoJo.
Rebel X quickly mounts the top rope and pounds JoJo with a flying
axehandle! He lifts JoJo and press slams him into the mat. He goes to
the top and signals to the crowd. Rebel X flies off with a senton splash
but catches the empty mat as JoJo rolls out of the way. JoJo goes to
suplex Rebel X but X reverses into a small package. JoJo easily kicks
out and attacks X with vicious stomps to the face and chest. He lifts
Rebel X and mounts him on the top rope. JoJo goes up for a superplex but
Rebel X pushes him off. Rebel X mounts the turnbuckle and goes for a
flying splash. But JoJo catches him in mid air and wastes him with a
Northern Lights bomb! He lifts Weapon X and drives him into the mat with
a Tiger Driver. X gets to his feet slowly and Jabrone Killer! JoJo
covers Rebel X arrogantly, counting along with the ref as he makes the
three count.)
Ring Announcer: The winner of the match, JoJo!
(There is applause from the fans for a great match by JoJo. JoJo and
Ferrett celebrate in the center of the ring as the ref helps the bruised
and beaten Rebel X to the lockerroom)
*******************************************************************
Roy: That was fun. What just happened?
Arthur: That was a wrestling match!
Roy: Wrestling consists of giving pork genitals in buns to screaming people?
Man...sports hav changed since the 20's!
Raskolnikov: ARRRGH! You spent the entire match watching the hot dog salesman????
Roy: Hot Dog...no. HID is in the back. I watched wrestling. Not as good as
say...Shiva's VHS cassette of "Romancing the Stone," but...
Arthur: Oh bloody hell...
*******************************************************************
Roy: Okay..so what happens now?
Arthur: We have another match.
Roy (whining): ANOTHER?? Ohh....
Announcer; This next match is for one fall with a ten minute time limit. Coming to the ring first,
from...oh screw it! It's just Kiddice.
(Kiddice is greeted with a hail of boos and even worse...a hail of tender vittles cat food. Tender vittles: The best cat food on earth!)
Arthur: GREAT! Now ever our subtle commentary is filled with commercials!
Roy: What's a commercial?
Announcer: His opponent, accompanied to the ring by Vanity, from Milan france, here is Alexandra Parker!
(Alexandra and Vanity come to the ring in matching outfits. Despite Alexandra cheers from the male fans, she ignores them utterly.)
Roy: HEY! Women can;t fight men!
Raskolnikov: How long have you been dead?
Roy: ummm....since last tuesday. Right after the St. Valentines Day Massacre in Chicago.
Raskolnkiov: Al Capone didn;t die last Tuesday!!! And it's JUNE!!!
Roy: Sorry. Death plays havoc on your temporal senses.
Arthur: Alexandra rolls is the ring and Kiddice attacks her with a
series of stomps. Pick up and a scoop slam by Kiddice! Now a whip into
the ropes! Alexandra ducks a clothesline and bounces off again! Cross
Body! Not even a cover attempt. Parker with a series of kicks to the ribs
and then a head scissors takedown! Parker bounces off the ropes with a baseball
slide, but Kiddice rolls out of the ring. Kiddice catches his breath on
the guard rail, and a little boy shoves ice from his Jolt Cola down Kiddice's
pants! kiddice yelps and runs around the ring, only to get a drop toe
hold on a chair from vanity. ref is distracted by Alexandra who gives him
a dissertation on Godwin's "Vindication of the Rights of Women." Smart and sexy!
Vanity with a pickup...DEAR GOD! Piledriver on the chair! Kiddice is
busted open. Vanity rolls him back in the ring! Cover! 1..2...kickout!
Alexandra is suprised the guy can kick out. Alexandra puts him in the neutral
corner and climbs him! Fists of flurry start pounding Kiddice!
Fans: 1...2.....3....4...5....6....7.....8....
Raskolnikov: Kiddice turns it into a running Liger Bomb and alexandra's
head hits the mat hard! Cover! 1..2....reversal into a small package!
1...2...thre..kiddice gets his shoulder up at the last second! Both wrestlers
to their feet! Kiddice with a fist, but Alexandra with a shoulder to the ribs and
the a water wheel drop which kiddice reverses into a sunset flip! 1...2..kickout!
Kiddice to his feet, but a spinwheel kick by the man hater stops him cold!
Big belly to belly suplex! 1...2...thre..kickout! Alexandra drags kiddice
to his feet by his hair! kiddice with an eyegouge, but Alexandra with a
knee to the ribs and then a douber underhook suplex! Alexandra spins
around and catches Kiddice in the Man killer! Alexandra wastes no
time locking it in, and likewise, kiddice wastes no time in tapping out!
Announcer; here is your winner...Alexandra parker!
(fans cheer. Alexandra smirks, kicks Kiddice in the ribs and walks off with
Vanity. Kiddice gets to his feet...and the lights turn out.)
Roy: AHHHH! DARK! I'm scared of the dark!
Arthur: You're dead!
Roy: oh yeah....
(Lights come back on and behind Kiddice is the CyberFight champion himself. Kiddice
turns around and...WHOOSH! Big ball of fire right in the face. kiddice
holds his face as he twitches on the ground in pain.)
Roy: SATAN!
Arthur: Satan looks like the Retard?
Roy: No...Satan that guy in the fifth row eating a soft pretzel...
Arthur: That's Tom Selleck!
Roy: he sure looks like satan...
Raskolnikov: BRRDDT has unrolled a bodybag and he shoves Kiddice into it. he slings
him over his shoulder and carts him off much to the fans delight. Guess Big red is still peeved
about the whole nont accepting his inferno match...
Roy: He's not dead!
Arthur: I net he wishes he was though....
Raskolnikov: Well..from one idiot being brutalized...to two wrestlers debuting.
Another intergender matchup! Second of three for the evening. Women
sure get respect here in the FWO!
Roy: How do you pronounce FWO? phwhough?
Raskolnikov: Shut up!
Roy: you;re so cold...like the grave. Except you don;t have maggots and worms...
Announcer: This next match is for one fall with a 15 minute time limit.
Coming to the ring first, from Melbourne Australia...here is Sambo!
(sambo the midget comes out to another chrous of boos. Security stops him and tells
him little boys shouldn't be on that side of the gate, Sambo answers with
A really low Blow)
Roy: That wasn't nice!
Raskolnikov: after the 13,812 that you see tonight..you'll get used to it.
Arthur: You're lucky Rob ian isn't here...
announcer; His opponent, from Fountain Hills, AZ...here is "Tornado" Tara Smith.
(Fans cheer for our newest buxoum lady wrestler. Tara comes to the ring in a
blue leotard and stops for a second in front oif a camera to pose and wink.)
Arthur: at least all our women are hot!
Roy: Especially Kiddice!
Raskolnikov: Kiddice isn't a chick! And he is NOT hot.
Roy: he's on fire...
Arthur: he was using a met...oh forget it. I wish people took to Gualinto instead...
Raskolnikov: Bell rings! tara goes for a lock up..but the midget is too
short! He bites her in the ankle and she kicks wildly in the air trying to get
him off. Finall she pries him off and slams him head first into the mat.
Now she stomps on his little midget head and puts him on the top rope!
Big dropkick and Sambo falls off the top to the floor! aw...poor little guy!
Hahahaha! Tara goes up as Sambo gets to his feet! Corkscrew plancha from the
top! Sambo gets nailed...but because he so short Tara does a bit of damage
to herself as well! Tara picks up the 3' midget and bowls him into
the guard rail! Wow! Shiva was right! Midget wrestling IS funny. Now
she rolls him back in the ring and goes up top! Guillotine legdrop
across the tiny throat! Cover! 1....two...little sambo crawls out from under
her and now he's running in circles around the ring with tara chasing.
What the hell kind of match is this? Tara stops and turns around. Sambo
runs right into her. She hoists him intot he air by his neck and hurltes
him into the neutral corner. Now she puts him on the top rope again.
Roy: Hey! This is unfair! He's a midget!
Arthur: Life isn't fair.
Roy: tell me about it! I'm dead!
Arthur: Tara goes up top. Gorilla presses the midget. of course, this feet
of strength would be more impressive if of course...it wasn't a midget
she pressed! Sambo is laid out! Tara Smiles and comes off the top with
a shooting star press! 1...2..thre...she lets him up! Not a smart move!
Tara with a scoop slam and a cover! 1...2...Sambo tries for an inside cradle,
but the little puts is too small. Tara shoves him off her and them stomps him in
the face with a boot. Pick up..tombstone! Sambo is out cold! Tara goes
up top again... Arizone Rattler! Sambo's eyes get really wide and his
body goes limp! 1...2....thre....e!!! it's all over!
Announcer: here is your winner...Tara Smith!
(Tara poses for the fans before leaving.)
Raskolnikov: Not a bad debut for either superstar!
Roy: WHAT? Sambo got his kiester handed to him!
arthur: look Roy...even if another wrestler is squashed horribly, there's a little
thing called tact.
Roy: Huh?
Arthur: *sigh* Never mind Roy...Let's just go to the next match.