(Scene begins in Sam's snazzy Corporate suite on the outskirts of Hershey. Tulu and Shiva Sit watching Sam drink shot after shot of bourbon.)
Sam: all gone! ALL GONE!
Shiva: Dude...calm down. I mean...it was just a bear!
(Shiva quickly ducks a flying shot glass)
Sam: JUST A BEAR??? JUST A BEAR???? Shiva...he was a GOLD MINE! A furry, slobbering, man-killing gold mine made of sweet gold!
Tulu: Awful redundant, aren't we?
Sam: SHUT UP! I'm roaring drunk! I'll babble about whatever I want...
Shiva: But Adam's just as marketable a champ!
Sam: he's human! He's just another guy in a long list of world champs! Now what does this fed have to offer that's any different from any other! We're ruined! RUINED!!!
(At that moment HiD walks in with a big ol' 96'er.)
Sam: AHHHH! That was the bear's old food! THE BEAR! THE BEAR!
HiD: RARRRR?
Tulu: Of course...you could always make HiD wrestle. He's not human...
Sam: Bah! That mangy mutt. It's been done. he's a has-been! All he's good for is selling cheap products and licking Honey is spots I'd rather not see...
Tulu: say...Insanity's wrestling tonight, right?
Shiva: Not wrestling...but competiting, why?
Tulu: heh heh heh....Sam gave me a great idea.
Shiva: Uh-oh!
Sam: Shut up! I've got to find a way to get the bear back! or replace him! Or something! We need a KILLER main event for the PPV! I made a bet with Turner we could outsell one of his PPV's!
Shiva: That shouldn't be hard...
(suddenly HiD jumps on the desk)
HiD: RARRRRRR!
Sam: AHHH! Whew! I thought you were gonna maul me.
HiD: RRRR?
Shiva: heh heh heh...remember Sunday when the bear and HiD almost fought! WOW! That would've....would've...Sam...you're scaring me.
(Sam stares at Shiva with a cold relentless glare)
Shiva: *whispering to Tulu* Is he dead?
Tulu: We could only be so lucky....
Sam: The Wolf....
shiva: HUNTER? What about him...
(HiD licks his groin and the proceeds to clean the rest of his body)
TulU: Mmmmm Boy. i bet you and kev would fight over getting to play Wolf Felacio!
Shiva: SHUT UP!
Tulu: huh?
Shiva: Huh?
HiD: RRRRR?
Sam: Wolf...and bear....
Tulu: Ummm...Sam?
Shiva: I'm scared....
Tulu: You were scared of the Claymation singing raisins...
sam: (leaping up from his desk so quickly, HiD leaps of in suprise) I'VE GOT IT!
Shiva: got what? Herpes?
Tulu: A crippling case of the gout?
HiD: RARRRRR!
Sam: NO you stooges! The main event for the PPV: WOLF VS. BEAR! Battle of the forest creatures!
Shiva: Ummm....#1: We have no bear.
Tulu: #2...I think people would be mad at the thought on NPC's wrestling in the main event...
Shiva: NPC's?
Tulu: Non player characters. Then again...these yahoos bought into the last PPV's main event...
Sam: Shut up about tha non kay fabe crap! What we need...is to get the bear back!
Shiva: ummm...
Tulu: My contract specifically says no bearnapping.
Sam: it does not!
Tulu: Paragraph 412A, subsection 32c.
Sam: i'll be damned...
Tulu: Unlike the rest of these morons..I've known your for half a decade. I also have clausing that prevent
me from wearing only a bikini in sub zero weather, covering my skin in mustard and then wading in pirana filled lakes and
even a "allowed to ruin the lives of other FWO employees" clause.
Shiva: How'd you get that??
Tulu: I reneged on the full dental insurance.
Shiva: oral hygene is important...
Tulu: They gotta go sometime...
Sam: DAMN IT! Why do you two always have to jabber about crap that isn;t related to what the opening skit is supposed to be about???
*Both shrug*
Sam: NOW! Shiva...find me three employees that can go get me that bear!
Tulu: Didn't the government warn you not to steal from the national parks again?
Sam: Please...like they'll miss one little bear.
Tulu: so..what you're saying is...is you want us to go find three yutzes
that will go after the bear and bring him back so you can feature him against
HiD for 70 bucks?
Sam: well...yeah.
Tulu: That's all I needed to know...
(Suddenly a bunch of SWAT officers burts through the windows and break downt he door.)
Sam: What the???
lead officer: Uncle sam..you're under arrest for plotting to steal wildlife from a national reserve!
Sam: *to Tulu* YOU WORE A WIRE???? YOU NARC!
Tulu: What can I say? I loooove watching you go to jail.
(sam is handcuffed as he screams and runs around, but he is eventually carted off.)
Shiva: That wasn't very nice...
Tulu: Nope. it wasn't. But on the bright side...you get to commentate tonight! <
Shiva: Funky!
Tulu: Now..let's go set about getting a bear!
********************************************************************
(The card opens with a HUGE explosion of fireworks along the entry ramp. Fans scream
and start jumping up and down like monkeys in a zoo for peanuts. A bunch
of fans hold a large banner reading, "PIERCE OUR SCROTUMS!" Another fan carries an unoffical
Tiffany Lane blow up doll..which security takes away from him, and Tiff's lawyers slap him with a 6 figure lawsuit.
Ye another fans runs around the arena naked as a jaybird, until HiD
leaps upon him and makes him wish he had SOME kind of protection, no matter how flimsy from those sharp teethies...Then we're whisked back to the camera
where Shiva, Tulu and HID's empty seat sit...)
Tulu: HEY! Look! it's another Weds Night card! grab your crotch and whack it off in delight kiddies. One hour of fun filled
mind warping crap...better than the Old Morton Downey JR. Show!
Shiva: four matches. Two of them titles. One is a zombie filled warehouse match.
Tulu: Might as well give the people whjat they want to see right off the bat! Let's go to the Warehouse VIA hidden cameras placed throughout the buolding)
(suddenly our view swtiches and we get a close up of a large fester pussy boil)
Shiva: AHHHHH! Oh wait...it's just a boil.
Tulu: What did you think it was?
Shiva: Tapioca pudding. YUCK!
(shift to another camera where a bunch of zombies sit playing gin rummy)
Shiva: I thought Zombies were mindless.
Tulu: Shiva...we're in a world where BT can be in two places at once, where bears can be champs, Phenom can lie to the whole world that he wasn;t the one felched and people will belive him..why not one more oddity to add to the growing pile of fecal madness on our compost heap that is the FWO>
Shiva: Good metaphor.
Tulu: Thank you.
(Camera shot of a door opening and Kiddice entering the warehouse.)
Shiva: You know..this match is more fixed than ummm...
TulU: Pro wrestling?
Shiva: No....
Tulu: Melrose Place?
Shiva: YEAH!
(Camera shot of Mike Fortune being shoved into the warhouse. He turns around and pounds on the locked door...)
Tulu: So much for the super SOB.
Shiva: Bet he whizzes his pants before the night is through.
(Camera shot of FWO suits stuffing Sambo through the celar window)
Shiva: WHAT? he's not in this match! TULU!
Tulu: hey...when Sam's away I have complete control. I wanted Sambo eaten too. Little drip!
Shiva: Eaten?
TUlu: Duh! What do you think Zombies do?
Shiva: Play Gin rummy apparently...
CROWD: GET ON WITH IT!
Shiva: yeesh...fine. Let's call the match.
(Screen is split in two. Left side shows Kiddice running away from a horde of zombies
while the right side of the screen shows Sambo fall of Mike Fortune's head. Mike scream and drops a load in his pants and
runs around in a circle with Sambo gripping Mike's skull for dear life. Then he runs into a wall.)
Tulu: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Shiva: *snicker* I mean...THIS IS WRONG!
Tulu: Kiddice runs from the horde of ghouls...and trips of the bodies of Mike and Sambo. Kiddice screams and
hits the jaw hard, breaking out all his pearly whites. Kiddice starts to get to his feet..but
Mike grabs his leg and pulls him back! A Zombie clutches Sambo and then another grabs him as well!
TUG O' WAR!
Zombie 1: BRAINS!
ZOmbie 2: BRAINS!
Shiva: Pullpullpullpull..SNAP! Sambo's arms come off like a cat's tail when you spin it too quickly....
(Tulu stares at him)
Shiva: WHAT? I've seen YOU do it!!!
(footage of Kiddice puking at this gory scene. Mike Fortune screams like a girl and runs away with kiddice closely behind.)
Tulu: Maybe this'll teach people not to book hardcore matches...
Shiva: BTW how do you win this match?
(footage of Zombies playing rock paper, brains for kiddice's legs. Since the zombies always pick brains...they have to keep doing it.)
Tulu: First one to pin the other and leave the warehouse alive wins.
Shiva: but they aren't wrestling...
(footage of Kiddice trying to run away...but he passes out from the rapid loss of blood pouring from where his arms used to reside.)
Tulu: You blame them? YES! The zombies have caught up to Sambo. FEEDING FRENZY! Sambo's not even concious to feel the sharp zombie teethies...which sucks and probably cost us a full rating point...
(Footage of Kiddice and Mike hiding in a large cardboard box from the zombies. All around zombies are sniffing, trying to figure out where they are.)
Kiddice: ACHOOO!
Mike: MOTHERF**K!
Shiva: The zombies lift up the box and Kiddice and Mike wail like banshees!
Tulu: Banshees are irish zombies, right?
Shiva: No. Irish GHOSTS.
Tulu: Ah. What's an irish zombie?
Crowd: GET ON WITH IT!
Tulu: yeesh. Hershey sucks. Next time I'm buying nestle!
Shiva: Mike and kiddice make a break for it, but one of the zombies leaps on Mike and gives a hearty chew on his leg.
MIke screams..but kicks the zombie off. Kiddice reaches into his pants and blinds a zombie with some...well, you know.
Both run up the stairwell...but are greeted at the top by MORE zombies. Mike kicks one in the gut and gives it a Mike Fortune stunner...but the zombie gets back up!
Tulu: Zombies don't breath! What a moron! Zombies tackle Mike and Mike begs kiddice to help him. Kiddice tells him his answer with only one finger and Kiddice slides
down the banaster knocking down zombie after zombie! Mike gets more bite marks then Sam after we
stick a steak down his jockeys in front of the werewolf.
Shiva: I guess Kiddice wins then right? I mean...MIke's dead!
TulU: he's gotta get out first!
(Footage of Kiddice scrambling to the exit door. he pulls and pulls...but it doesn't open.)
Shiva: What's going on?
Tulu: well..I was reading about this guy, Vlad the Impaler and he had this cool idea that it hought would get Sam higher ratings. You trick a bunch of lowlifes into a building...lock them in. Then set the building on fire. of course..instead of fire...I used zombies!
Shiva: You had not intention of any of them living, did you?
Tulu: Duh.
(footage of Kiddice being surrounded by zombies. Kiddice screams...and the screen goes black!)
Shiva: Bum bum bum!
Tulu: Damn american made cameras!
(camera comes back on to show only a pile of flesh, some spandex tights and a big ol' pile of fecal matter.)
Shiva: Ew....messy.
Tulu: So...
Shiva: Commerical break?
Tulu: Sure. These people will watch anything...
******************************************************
(Cut to a bunch of kids playing with Some crappy action figures)
Kid1: Kung fu grip my ass!
Kid2: Realistic styling hair? Who do toy makers think we are? Shiva and Kevin Hunter
Kid3: My Godzilla doesn't even have sharp fangs or radioactive breath.
Voice: Well kids...now they're toys that DON'T insult your intellgence because our high price lawyers have bought off every child right's activist on the planet!
Kid3: WOW! It's Uncle Sam!
Sam: (Stepping out from behind a doorway) it's the all new FWO Action figures! Fun for the whole family!
Voice over: 10 exciting characters LIKE....
(footage of a small figure of Adam Agee.)
Voice Over: ADAM AGEE! With removable limbs!
Kid1: WOW! he can either be the victim of a horrid bear mauling...or a leper!
Voice over: There's Slammin' JoJO! With Syringe full of heroin!
(Kid takes the needle and jabs his friend. Friend's veins in his head bulge and he falls over dead)
Kid2: OOPS! I forgot the air bubble!
Voice over: There's Tiffany lane..with her own personal stalker...Bubba Ray the school bus driver.
Kid1: Now I can pretend to stalk Tiffany like my old man does!
Voice over: There's the Blackthorne doll. Squeeze his legs together and out pops America Inc. brand chewable morphine!
Kid 2: (holding up his hand) I didn;t even feel it when Tommy hacked off my index finger with a rusty hacksaw!
Voice 2: Collect the whole line of FWO action figures!
Kid1: WOW! Brown Bear comes with tiny razors shaped into claws and teeth! I can murder the thrid grade bully now!
sam: And you can murder him with the quality that comes with an America Inc. product!
Kids: THANKS UNCLE SAM! *they hug him*
sam: AHHH! Get these...things OFF!
(Commercial fades and Sam's security beats the kids to a bloody pulp)
VOICE OVER: FWO ACTION FIGURES: BUY 'EM...OR WE'LL KILL YOUR PETS!
*************************************************************
Tulu: I like the line about killing pets. That'll get kids to jabber to their parents. Gotta admire the agressive sales techniques we use here...
Shiva: well...I mean...these poor kids.
Tulu: Poor? Poor people can;t afford Sam's products. Poor kids are lucky if they get a nice Box for Xmas.
Shiva: I meant....*sigh*
Tulu: Shall we go to a REAL match now?
Shiva: Weds has real matches?
Tulu: I guess. I mean...if we put out 60K of us jabbering people would still read it never knowing there weren't going to be any real matches..
Shiva: Should ominous music start playing.
Tulu: Nah.
Shiva: So....
Tulu: So....
HiD:RRRRRR!
Tulu: Guess he's back.
HID: RARRRR!
Shiva: Yup. Thank god for commercial breaks so we didn't have to explain it.
HiD: RARRRR!
Tulu: How long do you think we can pull this off?
Shiva: They probably just sped down to the match winner line..
Tulu: I hate bastards that do that!
Shiva: me too.
Tulu: Should we keep this up...
Shiva: Actually..I'm curious how many people will be stupid enough to have keep going...hoping that there will be a line
of importance in this...
HID: RARRRRR!
Tulu: Aw...screw it..let's have a match.
Announcer; This next match is for one fall with a 20 minute time limit. Coming to the ring first, along with Joe Williams here is...umm, The Notorious S.C.O.T.T Williams.
(Crowd musters enough energy to make SOME kind of reponse...Scott comes out to "Bawitdba" by Kid Rock for a change of pace.)
Tulu: Who is this yutz?
Shiva: Scott Williams.
Tulu: You think we have too many wrestlers here?
Shiva: well..I know of three vacanies...
Tulu: I can think of someone who I want to be #4...
Announcer, his opponent, from New York, New York...and weighing in at 237 here is the Notorious P.I.M.P!
(noos fill the arena.
Tulu: Noos?
Shiva: i think that was a typo...
HID: RARRRR!
Tulu: Any comic relief you provided is gone from these cards...
HID: RRRRR!
Tulu: it's true. You just growl and occasionally eat some equipment or something!
HID: RRRRRR!
Shiva: Scott attacks Pimp as he enters the ring. Both men with an
exchange of fists! Pimp with a rake to the face and then a knee to the chest!
Snap mare takedown. Pimp bounces off the ropes...jumping neck snap!
Pimp gets Scott to his feet...then slams him to the mat! Elbow drop..
but Scott rolls out of the wat! Scott to his feet and he wrenches the arm
of the Pimp. Pimp gets to his feet, and Scott turns his arm hold into
a hammerlock. Big elbow to the throat by Pimp sts him free. Pimp with a
hip toss and then a boot to the back of the neck. Reverse chinlock, but Scott
gets a foot on the ropes. Pimp with a clean break..but Scott with a low blow.
Pimp reels over and Scott with a sitting European uppercut and then a drop toe
hold onto a bottom turnbuckle. Scott flips Pimp over. He goes to slingshot
Pimp into the neutral corner...but on his way up...Pimp turns it into a thez press!
beautiful counter! Pimp sits on William's chest driving big meaty black fists
into Scott's now bruised face! Ref tells Pimp to get off. Pimp does so,
but grabs Scott's legs and makes a wish! Scott's in pain!
Tulu: Scott is picked up and Pimp with a running spinebuster! Cover!
1...2...kickout! Pimp now with a blatant choke! ref calls for a break!
Pimp ignores! Scott with a well-placed kick to the tailbone and Pimp
sets him free. Pimp grabs his ass and Scott gets to his feet! Shoulderblock
by Williams. Williams now with a spinning toe hold...but Pimp grabs Scott
by the hair and makes a semi-legal small package! 1...2..kickout! Both men
to their feet but Scott with akick to the gut and an attempt at an Ace crusher!
Pimp pushes Soctt off into the ropes, but Scott springs off the the middle
rope and goes for a moonsault, which PIMP turns into a tilt-a-whirl tombstone piledriver!
WOW! pretty good! Cover! 1...2...thr..shoulder up! Pimp Goes for his 8 Ball
Superkick, but Scott ducks and hits Pimp with a suprisingly still legal low blow!
Pimp falls to his knee and Scott with a cresent kick right to the Pimp's temple!
Cover! 1...2...thr...foot on the ropes! Scott hoks that leg and tries
again! 1...2...kickout! Scott Picks up the Pimp and goes for the Total
Meltdown! He lifts the Pimp into the air with the pump handle...but Pimp
reverses it into a crucifix! 1...2...thr...kickout! Scott to his feet, but
Pimp with a kick to the gut and a face front power bomb! 1...2...thre...Scott
Kicks out!
Shiva: Pimp goes up top! Senton Splash off the top! 1...2...th...kickout!
Pimp attempts the Pimp Arrest..but Scott wriggles and slides down Pimp's
back! Victory roll! 1...2..thre...kickout! Scott and Pimp are both to their feet! Pimp
with a wild haymaker...but Scott ducks behind Pimp! Pimp turns around
and gets caught with a fisherman's suplex! 1..2....thr...kickout! Pimp
bounces off the ropes! Scott ducks a cross body from the pimp Pimp gets to
his feet and Scott takes him immediately back down with a standing inside
cradle! Only a two count! Both men up! Scott with a short arm clotherline
which Pimp turns into an armdrag takedown! Pimp picks Scott up! he goes for a belly
to belly, but Scott with a headbutt and then a DDT! Scott grabs the Pimp's
leg and hooks on an anklelock submission! Pimp's in the middle of the ring!
ref checks! Pimp says no! Scott twists it harder! he still says no! Pimp
starts trying to drag himself and scott to the ropes...but Scott sits down
hard! Pimp cries out in pain! ref checks...he still does...WAIT! he's tapping out!
Pimp taps out!
Announcer: The winner of the match...Scott Williams!
(Scott gets to his feet and raises his hands in triumph. Pimp rolls
out of the ring limping.)
Tulu: Boy...was that a close match!
Shiva: The FWO's Midcard's one of the best in the world!
Tulu: Kiss-ass!
Shiva: well...sorrrrry! At least I LIKE my job!
Tulu: you're editor of a stupid magazine no one is actually going to go through with!
Shiva: They will too!
tulu: Nope. it'll fail. You'll be fired. You'll half to go back to India and live in a grass hut.
Shiva: We don't live in huts!
Tulu: Sure sure...
Shiva: *sigh* No sense in reasoning with you. But for the folks at home and in the audience...
a special treat! Yet another EV title matchup! Yeah!
Tulu: But before we go to that...I have a special treat as well!
Shiva: NO!
Tulu: What?
Shiva: You KNOW the FCC banned you from doing Extortion or any more EV
skits!
Tulu: This isn't a skit...this is some video footage from earlier this afternoon.
Shiva: it's not porn, is it?
Tulu: No it's not frickin' porn! Just roll the damn tape!
(footage of Insanity in his dressing room...)
Insanity: Hmm...bowling balls, 12 pack of butterfingers, HiD sugar coated marshmallows with sugar in the middle cereal...yup...everything here.
(Knock on the door)
Insanity: Who is it?
(A manilla envelope is slid under the door)
Insanity: What's this? Porn?
(Insanity opens the envelope)
Insanity: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(he drops the envelope and six photos fall to the ground. The first is
of Honey majors with a ring made of 36 diamonds in the shape of a bone being placed on her finger.
HiD has on a tux shirt and a emerald encrusted dog collar. The second picture is of Honey trying to cut
the wedding cake...but HiD has stuffed it in his mouth. The other four..are pictures of the happy couple GETTING IT ON!!!)
Tulu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Shiva: You bastard!
Tulu: What? That i laugh at Insanity's misery?
Shiva: No..that you didn't even bother to forge those pictures with even a half-assed attempt!
TUlu: Excuse me? Those aren't fogeries!
Shiva: yes they are! those two never had a wedding! And as for the "Consumation" Photos...those are so fake I can;t belive Insanity fell fr them!
Tulu: What do you say that?
Shiva: #1. You stuck Honey's head on the body on a 400 lb Black Woman!
#2. She's giving head to someone with much less body hair than HiD actually has! And you didn;t even use HiD's head for those photos! You used that damn
Taco bell Dog's head!
Tulu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Shiva: You are one sick bastard!
Tulu: What? All i did was help Insanity get over his crush on a woman he can never have. I'm doing him a favour. I'm like a patriot or something!
Shiva: or something...
Announcer: This next match is for the EV title. Coming to the ring first is the Educational Values champion himself...Along with Honey majors...here is
Solomon!
(good mixed reaction for the 2 time champ! he holds his belt proudly and gives a big friendly wave to Tulu.
Honey'd like to give Tulu something all right...it's apparant in her glare.)
Shiva: why are you so mean to her?
Tulu: because no one else is...
Announcer; Opponent #1, from milan, france...along with Vanity....here is Alexandra Parker!
(Alexandria comes to the ring wearing a black full lenth gown that tightly covers every inch of her curvacious
body. Her long jet black hair that is slightly curled at the bottom drops to the small of her back. The crowd is
giving her a great reaction but she shrugs up her nose and keeps walking to the ring . Only stoping to see a man
seated in the audience holding a sign that says " Alexandria I'm your greatest fan" suprisingly for a quick second
a slight smile craks across her face. As she proceeds to get back into the ring she cannot help but to look back.)
Tulu: too bad she's a lesbo.
Shiva: She is not!
Tulu: oh yeah? She hates men! If she doesn't Men that logically she is a lesbien.
Shiva: Glad to know the logic of the Salem Witch trials lives on in you...
Announcer: Opponent #2...is an ex FWo world tag team champion..along with No One..this is Insanity!
(good reaction for the Insane One. Insanity comes out, head dropping. he rolls in the ring. Honey tries to talk to him, but he just glares at her
and backs away into a corner.)
Tulu: Okay people..once again I'M the judge! let's see. Alexandra...you had to "create a family game." Let's see what you've done!
Alexandria: For my topic it's better that I show you than explain it to you.
(The lights go out and when they are turned on Kevin Hunter is no where to be found. As everyone turns to Sam-O- Tron the lights dim and Kevin
Hunter appears on tied up on a chair, surrounded by a group of manly feminists all holding enemas. The lights on
the Sam-O-Tron dim as nothing but screams are heard.
Alexandria: Now tell me that's not a family game!(she continues to laugh loudly while rolling out of the ring and
walking to the back.)
(HOney shrieks and runs to the back herself. Solomon however falls over laughing)
Tulu: what's the big deal? Gay people like stuff up their ass.
Shiva: You are warped!
Tulu: No, leaving records on the furnace is warped.
Shiva: Only you laugh at other people's misery...
TUlu: Me and jesus.
Shiva: that comment would hurt if I wasn't Hindu.
Tulu: dammit...
Shiva: Okay Insanity...your turn!
(Insanity grabs the mike)
Insanity: I prepared a little slide show for everyone tonight. Since SOMEONE wouldn't help me do it the
regular way. So I present to you... Penguins: Man's Secret Enemy!
(GO HERE TO READ THE ESSAY. Then come back to this page to continue. Seems Chris put a little effort into his...*lol*)
Shiva: WOW! that was very good...except that now gun-toting republicans will demand a Penguin season.
Tulu: Boy oh boy..Insanity SUUUUUURE raised the bar here. Let's see if Solomon can take out Insanity!
Shiva: Sol had to do a commercial explaining the...oh dear lord.
Tulu: what?
Shiva: the nutritonal goodness of HiD cereal!
Tulu: This should be a laugh riot. Let's see what you got champ!
(Solomon claps his hands and the lights go down and the Sam-O-Tron starts playing. it is Solomon in his home)
(Solomon smiles brightly for the cameras.)
Sol:Breakfast is the most important meal of the day kids! Why? Well not for
the reasons that health nuts with questionable sexual orientation like
Kevin Hunter would push on you. The truth is, if you eat the correct
combination of foods first thing in the morning, you'll have the energy to
be truly hyperactive and obnoxious for the rest of the day.)
(The reigning EV champ pulls out a box of HiD cereal and smiles so broadly
that his bleached white teeth threaten to blind his cameraperson, Daisy.)
Sol:The cereal of champions, Boys & Girls. Now fortified with additional
caffeine and further reduced of any accidental contamination by vitamins.
Everyone's favorite Werewolf swears by it!)
(The camera pans to a stoned HiD munching a bowl of the cereal until
suddenly his mouth starts frothing. The expression on the Werewolf's face
is of dismay as he tries to prise his jaws apart.)
Solomon actually sniggers, "And new to the range is the Super Glue flavor.
A must if you can't get enough of those solvents in your life, and America
Inc.'s concession to nagging whining parents who haven't ceased lamenting
the arrival of Sugar coated Sugar flavored HiD cereal since it's debut as a
best seller on supermarket shelves.)
Sol:Mom, Dad, want to shut up your hyperactive super destructive brats, and not
have them running to the authorities with allegations of child abuse?
Well, now there's a perfectly legal way to do it, and the little monsters
will actually thank you for it when they come down off their high.
(HiD is rolling on the floor clawing at his own jaws, the floor, his
genitals, the walls, the furniture… Suddenly he catches sight of his
co-star in the ad and viewers can almost see the thought permeate his
chemical fogged brain that this is the person who's done this to him….)
(Unable to growl, he crawls up behind Solomon noiselessly.)
Sol: HiD cereal. Now user friendly to the entire family!)
(Solomon holds the box of HiD SuperGlue cereal next to his own face, to
close the ad with a good publicity shot, and as the image fades, HiD can be
seen rearing to his hind legs directly behind the cruiserweight.)
(An unidentified voice says in an almost inaudible monotone
"hidcerealhasbeenknowntocausebraindamageandadversephysicaleffectsandhasnonut
ritionalvaluewhatsoeverinadditiontocontainingphysicallyharmfulforeignobjects
insomevarietiesavailable." It then brightens as the America Inc Logo comes
on and says with perfect diction, "HiD cereal available at all good
stockists.)
(Sam-O-tron flickers off)
Tulu: Hmmm. This is probably the closest Ev match ever! First, Sol had HiD being abused..which is a plus...but Insanity
pretty much damn near got an entire RACE in trouble with humanity. Second, Sol kissed ass...but Insanity didn't. And those annoying subliminal messages didn't work.
Plus...Sol mocked Kevin Hunter...So on points I'm afraid the winer and still...(Suddenly Tulu's eyes glaze over)NEW CHAMPION....MUST CROWN NEW CHAMPION! (eyes unglaze) The winner and NEW CHAMPION...INSANITY!
SHIVA: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Insanity is handed the title! Solomon has a big near hissy fit. Insanity moons Solomon and runs off with the title, giggling.)
Shiva: Well..Tulu and Solk finally got what they deserve..and now Insanity is the first FWo superstar to hold two different titles!
(Tulu returns to his seat)
Tulu: INSANITY IS CHA...What the hell happened??? Damn subliminals!