***********************************************************
(Scene begins before the card. it's in a makeshift office with the Cleavland Sports Arena. Many of the FWO suits are there. Wilbur and Arthur are talking. Rasklonikov is trying to convince SHIVA about the glories of socialism. SHIVA would much rather talk about his new fern that he bought. Talbot is trying to pull our still-loopey werewolf off the coffee table where he has gnawed a huge chunk out of the middle. Finally Sam comes in and all are on their best behavior...except for the werewolf.)
Talbot: DOWN! DOWN!
Sam: Oh..let him eat the table. If it keeps him from defecating during this meeting, I'm all for it. Tulu..you going to join us?
Tulu: Stick your face in a blender and set it on puree!
Sam: Geez..what's wrong with you?
Tulu: What's wrong??? I had NO lines last show! NONE! The friggin' ghost had more than me! Here all these people have whined "More Tulu! More Tulu" and now this stupid ectoplasmic goo is all the fans sweet little darling now. I blame it on you.
Sam: HEY! I'm not to blame!
Tulu: SHIVA HAD MORE LINES THAN ME!
Shiva; What's wrong with that?
Tulu: No one likes you!
Shiva: My mother likes me...
Tulu: FOOLS CROW HAD MORE LINES THAN ME!
FC: *Shaking his mop of mystical might* HEY! I'm on a roll! More people are having me do stuff with their characters!
Sam: *sigh* Everyone just sit down...I have a feeling all this will be sorted out.
HID: *looks up from his table-eating* RARRRRRARRR!
Sam: What? You have a gripe too?
(The Werewolf hacks up someone's arm.)
Sam: You know..when I told Honey you like Soylant Green for a late night snack..I assumed she'd know I was joking.
Tulu: Sam...you're a F***ing nutjob. If you ran around saying you had intercourse with bullet-ridden bodies from the 1920's...people would take you serious.
Sam: I AM NOT A...*Takes a deep breath* I am...not a nutjob.
Shiva: Look..is there a point to this meeting? I need to get back to the main FWO offices so I can finish the layout of the magazine. That and Roy and Gualinto keep digging through my sock drawer and scaring Missy with ghostly sock puppets.
Tulu: *In a mocking voice* I LOVE ROY! BLAH BLAH BLAH! I sure hope he doesn't find my gay porn!
Shiva: You're so mean! Do I mock you for your taste in shag carpet!
Tulu: You mock my carpet and I'll tell everyone about the "Pomegrante incident!" Shiva: YOU WOULDN'T!
Sam: SHUT UP!!!!!
(all stop and stare. Sam's face turns from a deep crimson back to it's normal hue*
Sam: Okay...listen! We have a MEETING! Now..I've been reading the ratings and the latest poll and I'm pleased. Lots of things to discuss and change around. First of all... Arthur, raskolnikov...you're doing fine on weds night. Commie/socialist banter appeals to this 90's lifestyle.
Wilbur: What about me boss?
Sam: Well..frankly...everyone hates you.
Wilbur: WHAT?
Tulu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!
Sam: I mean..you got one vote! No one likes a yes man! Espeically someone that crows, "This is the greatest Slobberknocker in the history of out sport." But..to be nice... since we'll be a little busy with lawyers....I'll let you say your goodbyes tonight and host the first match.
Wilbur: My ex-wife said I was a failure. She said one day I'd be in living in the streets begging people for food and willing to perform sexual favors just for another morsel of food...
Tulu: Shiva'll be your first client!
Shiva: SHUT UP!
HID: ARRRRRR! Talbot: HEH! Shows you you boring drip! no one likes a boring straight man.....oh bloody hell!
Sam: Yup. Sorry old man..but you're fired too!
Talbot: YOu can't fire me! I own HiD!
Sam:Actually while you were in the hospital...he filed for emancipation.
Talbot: WHAT? He can't do that! He's a bloody dog! He couldn't even write his own name on his marriage licsence! He doesn't even KNOW he's married!!!!
Tulu: Shiva filed it for him!
(Shiva glares at Tulu. Tulu flips him the bird)
Talbot: WHAT?????
Shiva: Well...slavery is wrong and well..HiD IS human, kinda..and so...
Talbot: HE WAS A GOLD MINE! I'LL KILL YOU!
(A quite comic scene occurs whent he 65 year old man hurtles himself across the table and begins to strangle the nearly 7 foot hindu warrior.)
Shiva: *gagging* You....re....cho....kin...me!
Tulu: I rather think that's the idea of his hands squeezing your windpipe!
Sam: *sigh* Talbot..please. Murdering Shiva won't get you your job back. Besides..he's 4x as popular as you and he's the only one who can do the magazine.
(talbot ignores Sam's attempt for sanity and continues trying to make Shiva's life go bye-bye)
Shiva: GAWWWWWWK HACK!
Tulu: That's the most articulate you've ever been!
(Somehow Shiva manages to flick Tulu off)
Talbot: DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
(Shiva finally grabs Talbot's wrists and bends them back until he is released. Then he kicks Talbot in the face, knocking him out cold.)
Shiva; I didn't want to get violent...
Tulu: You are such a pansy!
Sam: Well..now that that little escapade is behind us. Tulu...you're taking Talbot's place in the wds commentary. Which is probably something I'll live to regret..but then again., you are our #1 guy...that speaks English.
HID: RARRRR!
Jorge: EL DIABLO!
Shiva: So who's taking the place of Wilbur?
Wilbur: if it's my ex-wife....
Sam: Umm... *looks at Tulu and his expression seems to read, "Dear god once I tell you I just KNOW you're going to stick baby scorpions in my underwear again"* Tulu: NO! NO!
Shiva: he didn't say anything...
Tulu: NO! This is stupid! He's only been in two cards! He's a fad! A FAD! Damn it!
Shiva: HUH?
*Roy flitters in through (literally) The front door)
Roy: Sorry I'm late guys. I got lost. Took a wrong turn and ended up at this baptist church! Some guy tried to exorsice me!
Sam: No matter, no matter. Roy...how'd you like to make fifty grand a year?
Roy: Ghost money or human money?
FC: Ghosts have theirown currency?
Roy: Sure. I mean, it's pretty inflated compared to Godzilla gold...but at least it's not the ruble!
Raskolnikov: HEY!
Sam: Umm..real money. You'll be doing commentary on pro wrestling!
Roy: What's pro wrestling?
Tulu: I KNEW IT! The guy is a moron! He'd been dead so long his brain's decomposed too!
Roy: Hey! i never did anything to you! Why are you so mean?
Tulu: Maybe I just have a problem with the living dead.
Roy: You're so mean.. *Starts to sniffle*
Tulu: great! We've got the ghost of Woody Allen...
Shiva: Woody Allen's not dead.
TUlu: I was making a metaphor! Your stupid spook friend is neurotic!
*Roy burts into tears*
Roy: There's nothing wrong with having feelings!
TUlu: is that feeling like emotions..or feeling like being able to have nerve endings?
Roy: THAT'S IT! You're going down mister!
TulU: ooooH! I'm so scared! What are you going to do? Rattle some chains? Maybe whine about your lackluster ability to haunt the offices of Sam?
(Suddenly Roy begins to glow.)
Tulu: eeep.
Shiva: *to Sam* ten bucks says Tulu dies...
sam: I don't think even death would take him
(Roy suddenly lunges at Tulu, hitting him in the chest...and disapears.)
Tulu: That was it...Please what a pet...
(Tulu stops and stands perfectly still)
Sam: Tulu?
(Tulu gets this weird look on his face...)
TulU: Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet When the wind comes right behind the rain!
Sam: What the *****?
Tulu: *now grabbing Talbot's cane begins to dance around* There is nothin' like a dame! Nothin' in the world!There is nothing you can name..that is anything like a dame!
Shiva: Dude! he's possessed!
Sam: And singing broadway showtunes. A fitting punishment...
Shiva: Guess Roy reel likes my video collection.
*Scene fades out with Tulu singing "Singin' in the Rain*
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We are brought LIVE to the sold out Sportsplex and fans are going gag-ga over being in FWO territory! One fan is shown shirtless repeatedly slapping a trout against his chest while laughing insanely. One fan holds a sign saying, "SMACK: Only 5 bucks a hit!" And then we are shown footage of a fan holding naked pictures of Wilbur's ex-wife. Then we go to the announcing booth...where Wilbur Fields sits alone..and for the last time.
Wilbur: Well here I am folks. Sam and Tulu are still agruing with the Sportsplex's owners about the "No pets allowed" rule. Guess they consider that mangy stupid worthless fleabag a dog. I KNOW I'M ON! Who cares what i say! What are they going to do? I'm already F***ing fired! YES! I said F***! F***F***F***! HA! HA! How was that Bernice? I make a F***ING jackass of myself yet? Wait! I know! *tears his pants off and thankfully we get a blurred picture so we don'rt have to see his "Ians".* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'VE FINALLY SNAPPED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
("People of the Sun" by Rage Against the Machine begins to play through out the arena as Rob Ian comes walking out to the ring with his hair back in a ponytail. Rob climbs into the ring with a microphone in hand.)
Rob: Well I said a little while ago after my loss to the Babe Squad because some little punk had to come into the ring and attack me with a chair. Trust me Babes, the match was done for you two! If I would have hit my move it would have ended it and that's final. But lucky for you Tiff's new boyfriend had to slam a chair over my head. Hmmm...let me ponder this question? Who will Tiff be kissing next week? Hey man I don't know she's almost gone the full circle maybe she'll move onto people like *snickers* Kiddice.
Wilbur: Everyone hates Kiddice...
Rob:Oh and by the way FWO. I QUIT! File your damn lawsuit for breach of contract or whatver. Like it matters to me I have enough money anyway. But I said I would have a message for everyone tonight. Well you're going to get this. But I shall leave you all with a monster that I brought to this federation. *An evil smile comes over his face*
(Suddenly a Man dressed in all black with a Scream mask comes running down to the ring and springboards into the ring and takes Rob down with a Dropkick. Rob takes the blow and then rolls out of the ring and just smiles as he leaves through the crowd )
Wilbur: Was that odd.or just stupid. Maybe a little of column A...a little of column B. Oh well..time to.. ("Body Movin'" plays over the PA system as Ferret comes out wearing a "HaRdCoRe Jester! shirt. He goes over to fan and takes his sign which reads "Ferret was also in Live Bait" He tears off his shirt Hogan style, revealing his hairy bear like body. Then goes to the announcer's booth and gives Wilbur a bear Hug! Wilbur starts coughing due to the stench of the former SMDW champion.)
Wilbur Fields: You dare stick your hands of the lizards king? My reptilian children shall wear your skin for this! COME MY CHILDREN! Devour! (nothing happens and Wilbur appears to gain SOME lucidity.) So...what are you doing here?
Ferret: Ha! You think I was gonna sit in the back, and miss the greatest beating... I mean match of the night? I don't think so! Now I'd like to give a shout out to Black Horny Thorny, the SMDW....Imposter! you never beat me, and you know what you are.... nothing but a little spoot!
Wilbur Fields: You had to steal that word from the Sean Ryan didn't you, you couldn't think of a catch phrase of your own.
Ferret: Hmm, one simple word and you complain about it? Ha! Fine you know what you are you're... you're... a Spoobrone!
Wilbur Fields: Lord help use, Ferret combined two words...that's almost as insane as ME! BUCK BUCK BUCK! I AM CHICKEN MAN! FEAR THE WRAITH OF MY BEAK!
ferret: Stop headbutting me!
("Freak on a Leash" by Korn plays as Kiddice comes out to a few cheers, a few boo as runs to the ring and. He jumps into the ring and mocks JoJo by calling some fan a jabrone.)
Ferret: Hey Kiddice! you aren't nothin! All the people in the arena are voting that JoJo's gonna win this match, well everyone but the Holy Rollin' Spoobrones! I hope they stop the Insanity in this place! What a Rebellion of the Township it would be if some spoobrone wanted JoJo to lose! That person won't be so Lucky! Perhaps a no personality king or a marvel.... but not anyone with any brains!
Wilbur Fields: Umm, ok...
Ferret: And now the best freakin' wrestler ever to step foot as a wrestler in this FWO! Goo Joooo Jooo! HA! Ass Kicken Time!
("Intergalactic" blasts over the PA system as the fans totally Boo there little heads off! JoJo walks out, and for some reason is wearing a blue mask, with a bottle of blue dye and begins splashing the fans with it! This receives an even greater reaction from the already ticked off crowd.)
Ferret: Ha! Gotta love it!
Wilbur: Oh yeah, real classy! Almost as classy as my ex-wife trading in the 20K diamond ring I bought her for Cheese Whiz! DAMN YOU BERNICE!
(JoJo jumps into the ring, and calls for a mic. Kiddice runs to attack him, but JoJo quickly picks him up, and nails him with a Rock Bottom, Kiddice rolls out of the ring)
Slammin' JoJo: Err, I really needed to train for that, didn't I ya jabrone! Ok a few things before I go down there, and makes this the best match of the night. First of all, anyone that wants to kick Kiddice's ass tonight, come on down.... if you're the first to jabrones to come down after I give the signal, you got yourself a freebie.
(Kiddice sneaks up behind JoJo with a stealchair, he nails JoJo as hard as he can in the head. JoJo falls down and seems to be out cold. Kiddice runs around cheering screaming "He gambled, He gambled!")
Wilbur Fields: Bah Ha Ha Ha Ha! JoJo just got his ass whooped by a Kiddice!
Ferret: HA! All you Spoobrones are alike. You actually think JoJo would be dumb enough to turn his back on some spoobrone? HA, and have you ever seen JoJo wear a mask?
Wilbur Fields: Don't even tell me...
(JoJo comes out from under the ring. Kiddice sees him, and is shocked. JoJo smiles at jumps on to the top rope, then nails Kiddice with a Hurricarana! JoJo quickly gets up and screams "Gamble this Jabrone!" JoJo just begins pounding the crap outta Kiddice's Face. JoJo whips Kiddice into the ropes, leap frog my JoJo! Then a Super kick to the jaw of Kiddice!)
Wilbur Fields: Ouch! I think Kiddice's Jaw has been broken.
Ferret: Ahh, Well Kiddice should call Momma-dice and Poppa-dice, buy some mice, and then maybe have Vanilla Ice comes sing "Ice Ice Baby" cause that spoobrone needs some on his jaw! Ha!
(JoJo grabs Kiddice's lower jaw and begins tearing it back! Kiddice screams in pain as blood begins squirting out! JoJo just laughs, and picks him up one more time. He picks Kiddice Vertically above his head....5......10....15....20...seconds, blood is dripping all over JoJo from Kiddice's jaw. JABRONE KILLER! Kiddice's Jaw hits hard against JoJo's shoulder. JoJo gets up, and calls for the mic.)
Slammin' JoJo: See that? Everyone in the FWO that insults me is gonna end up like that little jabrone over there! Now he'd tell ya himself, but for some own known reason his jaw is broken. Now I did make that little recording before about having two other jabrones come down.... sooo Jabrone number one come on down!
(Scott Willaims comes running down, He comes down, and jumps into the ring. JoJo hands the ref a wad of cash from his back pocket, and the ref leaves the ring! JoJo sits on one of the turnbuckles as Scott Willaims continues pounding on Kiddices already hurt body!)
Slammin' JoJo: Ouch! OOWW! That's gotta hurt...any words you'd like to say Mr. Williams?
Scott Williams: kiddice! You think your such a bad ass, you suck! As JoJo would say, you're a jabrone! I want you in a CAGE match whenever you want it!
Slammin' JoJo: Ok you jabrone, get out! Before I make you look like the jabrone you just challanged. Now Jabrone Number 2! come on down!!!
(The lights go off, as Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" blasts over the PA system. BRRDDT walks out with some sort of object on his shoulder. He enters the ring, and looks at JoJo... JoJo points to Kiddice)
BRRDDT:KIDDICE....DIE!
(BRRDDT fires a huge ball of fire! it hits Kiddice's groin! JoJo falls over from laughter.)
BRRDDT: HAVE YOU SEEN...MY DADDY? Slammin' JoJo: Umm, I think I saw him in the back buying drugs from scott Douglas, you better go see!
(BRRDDT leaves the ring, but suddenly something is heard from the back.)
Wilbur Fields: Interesting, and there still isn't a winner. What the hell is that noise, it sounds like a...
(The World Champ comes running down the aisle)
Ferret: AHH! A BEAR! get it away from me!
Fans: BROWN-BEAR! BROWN-BEAR!
Wilbur Fields: That things a wild animal! I know Sam doesn't feed it as much as he should. The poor thing smells the scent of blood.... poor Kiddice!
Ferret: JoJo get the hell out of there!
(JoJo sees the bear at ringside. JoJo stands there, frozen with fear. The bear lumbers into the ring, and begins sniffing JoJo's face where the blood dripped. Suddenly, he whacks JoJo in the head with it's huge paw! JoJo goes flying out of the ring!)
Fans: BROWN-BEAR! BROWN-BEAR!
Ferret: Ahh! JoJo! Whatever you do, don't let him kidnap you!
(Ferret runs down to help JoJo. He bear begins mauling the hell out of Kiddice. Animal control runs down with cattle prods to get the bear away from Kiddice. They try to shock the World Champ, but keep shocking Kiddice on accident. The bear gives out a mighty roar, then notices Ferret.)
Ferret: Oh no! I am not a bear! I am not a bear!!!!
Slammin' JoJo: Get...that hairy...jabrone.
Fans: BOO....BOO! BOO...BOO!
Ferret: You serious?
Slammin' JoJo: Hit.... Balls.
Ferret: ok! ok! (hits head like Shamrock)AHHHH!!
(Ferret runs into the ring. The bear stands up, WHACK! Ferret kicks the bear as hard as he can in the world champs "grizzlies" The bear falls over and moans in pain. Animal Control then gets a leash on the world champ, as paramedics come down to help Kiddice. Ferret runs back over to JoJo.)
Ferret: I did it!
Slammin' JoJo: Need.... to pin....jabrone.
Ferret: Oh OH, ok!
(Ferret knocks over the gurny, and Kiddice falls to the ground. Ferret pulls JoJo's arm over, and makes the three count)
Ferret: HA! you won.
Slammin' JoJo: Woo....(cough cough), get me out... of... here. (JoJp passes out)
Ferret: Ahh Crap!
(Ferret picks JoJo up, and puts hm on Kiddice's gurny, then wheels him out of the arena.)
Wilbur Fields: Ummm, I don't really have anything to say about what just happened, but at least JoJo got hurt! Maybe he won't be an announcer for awhile.
(In the ring the bear gets to his feet and roars. It picks up Kiddice by the neck and shakes him severly.)
Voice from the back: HEY BEAR! If you've got the guts...try taking on ME tonight!
(Fans cheer...hoping it's someone good...but out onto the Sam-O-Tron steps... Nuclear Weapon. Fans boo.)
NW: Let's do our belt on a pole match tonight champ!
BEAR: RARRRRRRRRRR!
(Bear bursts from the ring and takes off after Nuclear weapon. NW craps his pants and runs away)
Wilbur: Hmmm. Will it happen tonight? What do I care! I'm fired! Where to eahc and every one of you who didn't vote for me ***** ***** **** YOU ***** **** **** WHORES!
(Security comes and beats down Wilbur)
Wilbur: Damn the man! DAMN THE MAN!
(Wilbur is carted out and we are taken to a commercial break)
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(Commerical is in black and white and some brahms plays. We get a shot of Shiva and Tulu)
Tulu: You thing Wrestling is fake?
Shiva: You think Wrestlign is a joke?
Tulu: It's easy? Anyone can do it?
Rob Ian: I've been kicked in the balls 4,238 times...this week)
Blackthorne: I've been hit by a car!
Scott carr: I've suffered third degree burns all over my body...and no one cared
Psycho Mime holding a sign reading, "i've been mauled by a bear two times." Then the bear from no where leaps on him and tears him apart
Dylan Walsh: I've had a gerbil shove up my ass...and I liked it
Insanity: i've got more personalities then Sybil
BRRDDT: WHAT WAS I...SUPPOSED TO SAY?
Avenger: i've had entire steel cage fall on me...and everyone laughed.
Ferret: i've been kidnapped by bears and forced to drink from their teets.
Roy the ghost: I'm DEAD!
Underbaker: My soufle fell last thursday and I've been depressed ever since.
NAGBear: RARRRRRRR!
Tiffany: I've broken 3 nails!
Eddie Heartbreak: I had to wrestle a midget for a PEZ Dispenser
Homley: i've been beaten over the head with a dead swan.
JoJO: I've almost overdosed on heroin three times...because that jabrone Scott Douglas put rat poison in it.
Phenom: I've ran away from every match I've had in this fed because I have HBK syndrome.
Mejicano El Esqueleto: Tengo la caja peor de verrugas genitales que usted verá siempre!
Kiddice: I have no friends in this fed. (Diaper filled with cat feces hits him in the back of the head)
HID: RARRRRRRRRRRHH!
Voice over: FWO Attitude...get it and you'll turn into a complete idiot with no self-respect. so run away screaming gibberish and faliling your arms.
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(We're back and thankfully Sam, Tulu, and HiD are at the announce booth)
Sam: What the hell kind of catch line was that??? Damn. I've got to stop hiring people on LSD to write my commercials. At leastthat putz Wilbur is gone, eh Tulu?
Tulu:......
Sam: You okay?
Tulu: I don't want to talk about it...
Sam: the whole possession thing this afternoon?
Tulu: I SAID...I don;t want to talk about it.
Sam: K. Wanna call a match.
Tulu: Sure...but if anyone ever mentions it again..I will shove bees up their nose and badger up their ass.
HiD: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
Sam: You're awful chipper! Yeah *ruffles his head* Your sweetie's gonna be here tonight, huh? Ms. Darkness! good boy!
Tulu: somethings wrong when we have a fed full of hot dames and the werewolf is the only one getting anything. What next? The mexican hooking up with ms. Lane?
(Suddenly we shift to camera footage in the back. Rob Ian has JoJo by the hair and he slams him into the girls bathroom. Rob shoves JoJo face down into the toilet while Nina Screams "Occupied!" in the adjouring lavaratory. Rob leaves. JoJo gets up and takes off after him...but he gets tackled and beat down by the man again. Rob laughs and lights a cigarrette, then runs like hell as the guy in the scream mask chases him off.)
Tulu: Never a dull moment backstage!