(As Miss World by Hole plays, The Babe Squad comes out to massive catcalls and whistles. Both women wear matching, black, sports bras, tights, and boots. They ignore the fans as they enter the ring.)
Wilbur: Man...it's times like these I'm glad my ex-wife left me!
Arthur: Both ladies are as dangerous as they are beautiful! But How well will they fare against this wild card team? We're about to find out.
Announcer: And their opponents are the wild card tag team! Here are Rob Ian and...Darquefyr!
("Descent" by Fear Factory plays and the gruesome twosome come through the stands, much to the fans delight.)
Wilbur: Hmmm. Through the stands. A guy who used to be named Edge...Wonder if the WWF will sue us for Rob's enterance like they do when we say Kane?
Arthur: Good job! There goes a grand out of each of our pay checks! Bloody fool!
Wilbur: BT would be here himself...but he's got to be at that Pathmark for his SMDW title defense which takes place after this match. He and Tiff are alwful chummy as of late. Wonder how that makes Honey feel?
Raskolnkiov: Tiffany and "Darque" are starting this off! Two High flyers. I hate CWs. You never see skinny prissy wrestlers come from the USSR!
Arthur: Lock up! Darque with a hammerlock..and an apology. Tiff with a snap mare escape into a reverse chinlock. Darque gets his arms around Tiff's waist and turns it into a modified victory roll! 1...t..kickout! Both up! Tiff with an armdrag takedown, bu as darque lands he hits her with a spinning leg sweep... then apologizes! Such gallantry! Darque bounces off the ropes and hits tiffany with a flying forearm..and he apologizes. He gets Tiffany to her feet, but she yanks on the eyeholes of the mask! "Darque" can't see, and Nina distracts the ref complaining about her ankle. Ref turns away and Ms. Lane knees Darque in the groin three times and then punches him right in the Adam's apple! That's just mean! ref turns around and Sees Tiffany with a short arm scissors applied on Darque! Darque uses his legs to get to the ropes! ref calls for a break, but he doesn't get a clean one as Tiffany stomps at his head and then chokes him with her knee. Ref calls for a break again..and gets it. Tiffany tags in Nina and together they hit a double Manhattan drop! Poor "Darque!" he'll never have kids after all this! Nina with an eye gouge and then a cresent kick to the side of Darque's head! Whip into the ropes! Tiffany with a spinning heel kick, much to the audiences delight and a cover! 2 count only!
Wilbur: Nina hoists Darque onto the second turnbuckle and then cracks him with a superkick! Darque reels...NIna turns and poses...and then Darque leaps off the turnbuckle...bulldogging her to the mat! Both wrestlers are down and stunned! Ref starts to count! Nina sits up..but it's clear she is still dazed Nina goes over to "darque" ands she stomps at his mask! Darque grabs her leg and hits her with a spinning leg lariat and then, still holding her ankle applies a step over toe hold! Nina thrashes on the mat! Darque reaches out and Tags Rob in. Rob off the second buckle with a driving elbow to the inside of Nina's thigh! Rob Takes over the toehold while Darque goes to the apron..and is making scary vampire noises at us. Even i gotta wonder...who the hell is this guy? Now Tiffany lane starts to show a little skin by taking down her sports bra. This catches the ref's attention and allows Nina to dig into her tights and throw salt in Rob's eyes. Ref turns around and sees Ron hunched over with Nina burying the point of her boot into his rib cage. Nina with an axe kick on Rob and then she tags in Tiffany. Rob is hoisted to his feet and then Tiffany with a dropkick to his head, while Nina does one to Ian's knees! Great double team Move!
Raskolnikov: Tiffany with a snap suplex on Rob and then a cover! Only a two count! Tiffany whips Rob into the ropes..and then takes him down with a frankenstiner into a pin! 1..2....t...Darque makes the save with an axhandle to her head...and an apology! This is getting annoying. Ref sends Darque back to his corner and Tiffany pulls out a pair of brass knuckles And Cracks rob in the jaw with it. Ref turns and sees only a cover! 1..2....thre....kickout! Brass knucks aren't enough to take out one of the most hardcore men in the FWO! Tiffany Tags back in Nina. Tiffany holds Rob as Nina goes up! Nina with a missle dropkick off the top, but Rob ducks and she nails her own partner! Rb with a rollup! 1...2...thr..kickout! Tiffany to her feet, but rob with a belly to belly suplex! Nina goes for an axhandle from behind, but Rob sees her, elbows her in the face, and then hits her with a side suplex! Both Babes are up, but Rob levels them with a double clothesline! Can we say second wind? Both babes roll to the outside to catch their breath! Darque off the top with a body press on them...but the catch him and turn it into a double hot shot on the guard rail! "Darque" rolls on the ground choking and Nina gets on the apron. Rob with a knee to the gut and he tries to suplex her back in, but she wriggles free lands on her feet behind him and catches Rob with a backslide! 1..2...kickout! Nina is up, but gets a shoulder to the gut which slams her into the neutral corner! Rob grabs her by the hair and starts Smashing her face into the top turnbuckle!
Fans: 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...
Arthur: Tiffany stops the count with a low blow from behind! Ref admonishes her and makes her go back to her corner, and Nina takes advantage by driving her elbow into Rob's groin! Boy..these two sure like groins. "Darque" has climbed back onto the ring apron. Ref turns around and sees Nina make a wish with Rob's legs. Nina now with a pickup and...piledriver! cover! 1...2...kickout! Nina stomps away at Rob and then tags in Tiffany! Whip into the ropes and a double back drop by the ladies! Another whip into the ropes! A second back drop...but Roblands on his feet and tags in Darquefyr! Darque springboards over the top rope and hits both ladies with a shoulderblock! Nina is up..but darque with a dropkick! Tiffany is up..and Darque has one for her! Darque picks up Nina and hits her with a running shoulderblock! Cover! 1..2...Tiffany breaks the count by kicking Darque in the tailbone! Ow! Tiffany and Nina pick up Darque...double Rude Awakening! Tiff is forced back to her corner while Nina makes the cover! Rob comes in and hits her with the NUTSHELL! ref turns and sees Darque making the cover! 1..2....thre...foot on the ropes!
Wilbur: Darque gets to his feet and goes up top! Darque goes for the Armageddon Jam but Tiffany pushes him off the top rope! Nina picks up Darque and kicks him in the schlong! NINA's KNOCKOUT! 1...2...thre...save by Rob! In comes Tiffany with a low blow on Rob from behind! All four wrestlers are in the ring! Tiff and Nina each grab a man! They irish whip them into each other! Now both women go for a double clothesline.. but the men duck and the Babe Squad nails each other! Both Darque and Rob with a rollup! 1...2...thre...kickout! Darque with a savate kick to Nina and Tiffany with a mule kick to Rob! Darque goes for a tombstone on Nina...but Tiffany off the top with a sunset flip! 1....2...thre...rob with a dropkick to the back of Tiffany's neck! Nina goes for an axhandle from behind...but rob hip tosses her on top of Tiffany! Both girls are down... and off comes "darque" with the Armageddon Jam onto Tiffany! 1...2...3!!!
Announcer: here are your winner...with TEN points...Rob ian and "Darquefyr!"
(Mixed reaction from the fans. The quasi-Darque pulls his cape around him. Rob slaps some fans hands.)
Raskolnikov: Great tag action there! Now this team and the surfers are tied!
Arthur: Hold on..here they come.
Rob: Okay...if you're darque...pet HiD!
"Darque": I'd rather not...
(HiD wakes up from his nap.)
HID: RARRRRR?
"Darque": Hi um...Doggie
HID: GRRRRRRRR!
Wilbur: see! if that was Darquefyr...HID would NEVER growl at him!
HiD:SNARL!
"Darque": Bad Monster!
HID: ARRRRRRRGH!
"Darque": Don't growl at humans!
("Darque" grabs a newspaper off the Spanish announce team's desk, rolls it up and hits HiD in the nose with it.)
Arthur: Oh bloody hell!
HID: ARRRRRRRRGARARARARA!
(HID scrambles after "Darque" as the caped goon runs for his life with Rob right behind him.)
Wilbur: This just gets weirder by the second.
Raskolnikov: Good thing this is on PPV so I can say this is the most fucked up job I've ever had. Good thing I get full dental, medical and prenatal care.
Arthur: You can't have prenatal care!
Raskolnikov: Shut up!
loudspeaker:Wilbur, Arthur and Commie..you are wanted in the back IMMEDIATELY!
Arthur: What the hell?
Wilbur: Well...we should always to as we're told...
Raskolnikov: Every watch the Buddy Bears???
**************************************************************
(Five minutes go by and Before the normal announcing crew could go to their working jobs, the
familiar music of "Ironman" for Tommy Dobbs can be heard throughout the
arena. Throwing his beer cooler onto the announcer's booth, he lets out a
manly laugh. The threesome just give up and go straight out to find
security. Tommy just pops open a can of BudweiserŽ and pours it all over his
face. Quickly he is joined by the presence of Caped Dude, the super-face
announcer.)
Tommy: Finally, we're in this stupid Pay-Per-View Orgy thing. It's about
time. Maybe this time we'll actually get a good match to commentate
on...some main event type thing. The lame jobs that we have to scrunge up in
this fed man...
CD: Dude, we like, we don't scrunge up jobs dude...we steal them or
something.
Tommy: Just...just shut up. Now let's see, who do we have to commentate for
this match? Hmm, interesting, a hardcore match-up between Diarmuid
Blackthorne and Ferret in a...a...supermarket? What maroon actually took
their time to think that a smelly guy and a guy with a gold fetish would
actually want to face off in a supermarket? Oh well, I guess we should cut
to the ri...err...aisle to hear our ring announcer and hear what he has to
say.
[The scene cuts to a supermarket. The cameracrew is set-up in the middle
aisle as the announcer is waiting for his cue to go on the air.]
Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this match has a twenty minute
time-limit and is for the FWO Super Machoistic Death Wish Championship!
Announcing first, the challenger. He hails from Chicago, Illinios. He
stands at six feet, eight inches and weighs in at two hundred fifty pounds.
He is Ferret!
["Body Movin'" by the Beastie Boys plays over the supermarket PA system as
the automatic doors in the front are heard to be opening. Ferret comes
racing out in his wrestling attire, smiling as he passes the cereal aisle.
He is sent to the far end of the center aisle and starts stretching on a
grocery cart as he awaits the arrival of his opponent.]
Ring Announcer: And now his opponent. He hails from Daytona Beach,
California. Standing at six feet, seven inches, and weighing in at two
hundred eighty-five pounds, he is your FWO Super Machoistic Death Wish
Champion, Diarmuid Blackthorne!
["Black Cat" by Janet Jackson plays throughout the supermarket as the aisle
doors open once again. Diarmuid comes out and enters the presence of the
cameracrew, being escorted by Tiffany Lane. After a few blank stares, the
staff sends her over towards the entrance. Diarmuid is at the opposite end
of the aisle and stares at Ferret with piercing eyes. He waits for the bell
to ring.]
CD: Wow man, who'd a thought that these two dudes would like, meet each other
like, so many times since this fed thingy reopened. This is like, the second
time for this title or something, right?
Tommy: Eh shut up, they just better make this a good match. And there's the
bell. Ferret charges through the aisle and makes a quick attempt to spear
Diar, but a quick sidestep just sends Ferret across the floor. He bumps his
shoulder in a magazine display, but he's right back up. He charges again,
but this time Diar lays him down with a roundhouse! Impressive by the title
holder. Ferret is a little slow to get up and he's on his knees...and Diar
connects with a kick to the chin! Ferret goes right into the jelly display
and some of the jars come crashing down on him! Ha!
CD: Now Diar quickly races over and drives a knee into the like, chest part
of Ferret. What a loser Ferret is...I hope he like, gets all that jelly in
his mouth and like, chokes or something.
Tommy: We'll see cause Diar now just picked up a jar. He places it on the
head of Ferret. Backing up and...a superkick to the jaw! Ferret just
collapses to the floor and the jar falls onto his lap. Diar now goes back
and...a leaping knee onto the jar, he busted open the jar! Wow, and jelly is
all over the fancy tights of the former pimp. Finally Diar picks him up by
the head and puts on a sideheadlock...and he drives the head right into the
shelves. He's reversing the headlock into a...dragon suplex...right onto the
glass bits! Wow, and now here's the first cover of the match.
One...two...and a kick-out by Ferret. So far the Diar guy has this match
pretty much in the bag. Diar picks Ferret up and sends him out into a
checking ailse! He turns on the rollers and puts Ferret right onto it. Diar
starts climbing a display section and Ferret is slowly getting to the
end...and Diar hits a big elbow from the top of the display case! Wow,
Ferret is in a lot of pain now.
CD: Now the Diar dude is punching and like, hitting the dude in the
head...and now a chokehold. The smelly dude can't breathe. Diar like, goes
for the candies...ooh, someone has a sweettooth. Guess not, he's shoving
them in the mouth of like, the Ferret dude. Ferret is turning like, so
totally red. Ha! This is so friggin' hilarious!
Tommy: Not for the smelly guy. The punk is sprawled out on the check-out
thing as Diar is just choking the living hell out of him! Finally he lets go
of the hold. He gets up and picks up the candy display and shakes all the
candy onto Ferret...and than nails him in the head with the thing. Wow, I
think the maroon is bleeding...aren't you at least supposed to make this an
evenly distributed fight? Diar has given this guy a ride down a hi-way of
pain the whole time. Diar picks up Ferret from underneath the sweets and
starts heading down the aisles smashing his head around on the various items.
Wow, he took off a coupon dispenser with that one! Diar is through that
aisle and they're in the back with all the meats. Diar whips him into a meat
stand! Ferret jumps up from the coldness of it and...Diar catches him in a
powerslam! Diar than gets up and he's digging around and...he picks up a bag
of ice from the meat cooler!
CD: Whoa, cool. That stuff is like, so really heavy man.
Tommy: Shut up, of course a bag of ice is heavy. Uh-oh, Diar is swinging it
over his head and...Ferret sweeps under a display stand and sends it right
onto Diar! Wow, Ferret might have just saved the match for him right there.
Diar is barely phased by that though. He kicks the display off of him and
starts searching around for the ice bag. He's got and...no, Ferret kicks him
in the groin!
CD: Hey man, that is so like, cheating. Why can't this ref call the dumb
match right? Oh...it's hardcore...I forgot. the Diar dude is on the ground
now and starting to kneel up, like, regaining strength I guess. He sees the
ice stuff and reaches for it and...no, the stinky dude got it first! No way,
so now I guess Ferret is in control or something? Nope, Diar just slipped
into the aisle and is like, so hiding behind some display. Ferret is getting
up and slowly goes towards the aisle. He peers over and...hey, where'd the
dude go? Ferret is looking for him and...oh man, he's on the top of the
display! He like, is in the air and...no, the Ferret dude sidesteps and
throws him face-first into a...bag of diapers?
Tommy: Not stopping Diar! Diar just smiles at the weaker Ferret and kicks
him in the stomach. Ferret is down and...no, Ferret just nailed Diar with
the bag of ice as Diar went for a swinging neck breaker. So now Diar is on
the floor and Ferret isn't wasting any time. He's kicking Diar in the gut
over and over, not showing any signs of stopping...but he stops now. He goes
over and grabs a thing of baby powder! He opens it and takes out the powder.
Now he heads towards Diar and smears it all over the eyes of Diar. He can't
fight if he can't see. This is looking pretty bad for Diar now...how things
can turn in just the snap of a finger. Now I need a beer.
CD: Ferret picks Diar up and gives him a sidewalk slam! Dair is holding his
lower back as he like, squirms on the ground. Now the smelly dude goes and
does a really like, high leg drop, right onto the neck of Diar. He picks up
Diar and just tosses him into the displays! Wow, that almost knocked it
down. He picks Diar up again and like, again he throws him into it. Wow,
this time it really almost tipped over. He picks up Diar again and lariats
him into the display and like...it's still standing. Ferret is now running
into the next aisle as Dair is stunned in a like, display of baby formula or
something. He swings around...but he can't see anything from the babypowder.
And...oh man, the display comes tumbling down on Diar! Baby powder is
everywhere man, what the hell happened!
Tommy: You moron, Ferret pushed it over. Now Ferret goes to the other one
and does the same thing. Diar is now under the rubble of two aisle displays.
Ferret laughs a little as he digs through the displays...he can't seem to
find him. Wait, rumbling from behind...Diar slowly comes out of the stuff.
Ferret sees him and pulls him out. Dair desperately tries to charge at
Ferret but it just results in a back-body drop. Diar is now in excruciating
pain, holding his back. Ferret sees this and puts on a Boston Crab. Diar is
screaming, but I don't hear a sumbimssion yet...this calls for a beer.
CD: I am like, so sure it does man. Ferret is getting like, sick of the hold
and takes it off...what a spoot he is. He picks up Diar and throws him into
the...Diar just drops, he can't run with a like, bad lower back. I learned
that in health or something.
Tommy: Ferret goes for the pin now...one...two...thra, no. Diar kicks out
with the strenght he has left. Ferret goes over to the falled Diar and puts
him in a hydrolic press. He's carrying the heavier guy pretty far
now...right into the medicine aisle. Wow, and Ferret connects with the Death
Valley Driver. Dair has to be out of it now...but Ferret isn't going for the
pin. You're right Caped Dude, he is a spoot. He is going to the front and
grabs a grocery cart. He runs and drives it right over the body of Diar!
CD: Man, I love doing that.
Tommy: Only morons like doing that.
CD: Well that moron is doing it again. And now the smelly dude picks up the
cart and drops it on the dude. Wow, that was kinda cool. Now he picks up
Diar and...powerbombs the dude right into the cart! And he sends him on a
ride...but it stops short and tips over into the Tylenol display. Poor
Diarmuid, this must suck for him. Ferret raises his hands for the camera and
heads...right for the beer.
Tommy: I have a new favorite wrestler. Ferret picks up a case of Red Dog and
starts to head over towards Diar. Diar is...hey, Diar has an open pack of
Tylenol and he's swallowing them down. What a cheater man...but Ferret has
the better medicine. He takes a bottle and opens it and...right over the
head of Diarmuid! Beer all over the place, what a mess! Again...and
again...and he's doing it right to the last bottle...and he took a 24 pack!
24 things of perfectly good Red Dog's, gone because some maroon wants the
upper edge in this fight! I'm suing. But Diar is trying to fight back now.
He's rubbing the beer in his eyes and...wow, he's getting the baby powder out
I guess. That's brains. He is sweeping at Ferret's legs but Ferret keeps
jumping them. Another sweep and...Ferret slips on the way down! He's down
on the ground and Diar is back up.
CD: Wow, Tylenol really does work. He picks up Ferret by the head and drives
a punch right into the stomach of Ferret. This time he like, connects with a
swinging neck breaker. Now he picks him up and throws him down the aisle.
Ferret like, runs right into another check-out place...and Diar follows it up
by splash! Ferret is now like, wobbling around and Diar with a quick punch
to the jaw sends him stumbling backwards. Diar lays him down with a drop
kick. Now he springboards off of the check-out booth and like, corkscrews a
double-foot stomp onto the chest of the smelly dude! He than like, standing
sumersaults on him and connects on the chest again! Diar now with a
cover...one...two...and a kick-out by that dumb spoot dude. Diar picks him
up and throws him into the glass. Ferret like, slouches down and is laying
on the floor now.
Tommy: Diar now gets a paper bag...always the enviromental one...and shoves
it on the head of Ferret. Now Ferret is the stupid moron that can't see.
Ha! Break beers on my time and this is what happens. Diar starts playfully
punching him and moving around him as Ferret wildly swings. Diar than wings
him with a left hook which sends Ferret down! He now picks up Ferret and
throws him into a...lottery machine? And he follows it up with a huge
spinning heel kick! Ferret just bangs himself against the lotto machine
and...right into a military press! Diar throws Ferret on top of the machine
and tips it over! Ferret hits the wall hard and drops down! Dair picks him
up and onto a vending machine Ferret goes. Is he gonna do it again? Man,
this suspense and all...I need another beer.
CD: Cool dude. He starts shaking the machine...but the dude stops. Wow, but
now he lets Ferret stand up somewhat or whatever and he gets Ferret on his
shoulders...and a face-first powerbomb right onto the floor! Ferret has to
be out of it man, this is just like, wierd man. Diar picks him up and throws
him into the glass...and...uh-oh, he's setting up for The Thorne. He
holds Ferret's head against the glass and...no, Ferret drops his head and
Diar's fist goes right through the glass! He's jumping around and is holding
his hand in like...it looks like pain I guess. I don't think there's time
for some Tylenol. He still like, finds the strength to go back over to
Ferret and...oh man, Ferret has him in a lock and...belly-to-belly suplex
right into that line of carts outside! How cool was that, even for a spoot
like Ferret?
Tommy: Ferret now jumps outside and quickly pushes the cart into the parking
lot...where there is only the FWO van. What's he gonna do with that? Well
he pushes the cart into the side of the wall of the supermarket and Diar is
at the very end of it. Ferret now rushes over to the van and opens the doors
and...hey, who's the guy that left the keys in there?
CD: Whoa, that Tiffany babe is coming out to try to stop Ferret but...ooh...a
little too late. The smelly dude is like, on his course and right into the
carts and Diar has to be hurting with all that metal crushing into him.
Ferret leaps out and hurries over to him. Pushing a few carts out of the
way, he like, picks him up and...Jabrone Killer onto the pavement! I
guess this makes Diar like, a jabrone. He gets down and hooks the
leg...one...two...three! We have a new champ dude!
Ring Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of this bout via Jabrone
Killer, and the new FWO Super Machoistic Death Wish Champion...Ferret!
Tommy: And now that dumb maroon is out there kinda celebrating, if he's
conscious enough to know where he is. Well at least he has his legion of
fans rushing down the parking lot to go see him with his first ever title in
his career.
CD: I don't see anyone.
Tommy: Exactly. Man, what a dumb ending. I can't believe that he is allowed
to win by...hey, what's going on here?
[Security once again comes for the duo commentators as Wilbur Fields leads
the pack of security guards. Caped Dude runs through the crowd as Tommy is
caught. He takes a beer and chugs it down as he begins to plead with the
guys to let him go. The commentating trio now return to their spots.]
********************************************************************