(a scene that takes place before the show. HID, Sam, Talbot and Shiva are watching the forest be roped off with barb wire and the ring being set in place.)
Shiva: You know, I'm sure the ASPCA has rules against forcing bears into violent gladiator style competiton.
Sam: Shiva, Shiva, Shiva...you're from the East. You don't understand... Western Civilization LOVES man with animal. Bullfighters in Spain, Lions eating Christians in Rome, Cock Fights in New Jersy...and plus what bear is going to get injured? It's all in good fun!
HID: RARRRRGH?
Sam: YEs! And EVERYONE loves watching you maul people! YEs they do! The do they do they do my little money basket!
(Camera shows a shot of Phenom in a helicopter with Binoculars scoping out the forest.)
Sam: HEY! That's cheating!
Talbot: So where have you hidden the world title?
Sam: Guess we'll all just have to wait and see.
(From in the forest comes a loud growling sound.)
Shiva: Those bears don't sound happy.
Sam: They're not. I've kept the park rangers from feeding them...hid their cubs for days on end, blared Loud country music which all life forms because it shows how truly low humans are, and I've come when they're sleeping in the middle of the night and poked them with sticks. All in all, they're pretty cranky.
Shiva: That's not the best thing in the world for our boys Sam.
Sam: Tell me about it. We lost four guys alone setting up the hidden camera. *Rubs hands together in glee* This is gonna put the FWO in the hall of fame!
Shiva: Of what? Most crimes committed before a nationally televised audience?
Sam: Now you're starting to sound like Tulu...
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(No pyro again...because we're in the Middle of YellowStone National park baby! Lots of fun fun fun! Even over the ovation from the fans, you can hear the animals speak profane words about the human race in their animal tongues. Fans Carry various signs from, "Go bears Go!" to "Ferrett is a Champ! The World is ending!" Then we are taken to the usual broadcast booth as we see Wilbur, Arthur and Raskolnikov ready for commentary.)
Arthur: I can't bloody believe that Sam made us take the bus here from denver!
Wilbur: Shut up...we're on!
Arthur: Hello there Wrestling Fans! it's time for Day 2 of the PPV. Thankfully yesterday didn't involve too much relations or things that will get us fined, but today threatens to get ever Conservative and flaming liberal there is coming after us with lawsuits! The FWO...making bipartisan government work!
Raskolnikov: Three titles on the line tonight...including the crowning of our first ever FWO World singles and tag champs! Should be great!
(A policeman walks up)
Wilbur: Can we help you sir?
Officer: Excuse me, I've been informed by a Mr. Slammin' JoJo that one of your wrestlers is on heroin. I'd like to commit random drug searches...
Arthur: Officer...I assure you no one is using heroin. No Opiate users in the FWO...
officer: Really...what about one..."Phenom" Scott Douglas? In fact, this event has been advertised that he would be using heroin tonight!
Wlbur: Oh um....well...
Arthur: You see officer...
Raskolnikov: He has a perscription for it!
Officer: Excuse me?
Raskolnikov: Yes...he's um...Dutch. You know...heroin maintainance. He used to be a super drug fiend...
officer: Yes...I've heard of that. Is he really Dutch?
Arthur: Sure.
Wilbur: Yup...
Officer: Well, regardless..after this show ALL your wrestlers will be tested for drugs...
(Officer walks off)
Wilbur: What a great start for today's PPV! It's the greatest start of any PPV ever!
Rasklnikov: You're such a Schivone....
Wilbur: Hey! I'm a shill! And I'm proud!
Raskolnikov: Let's just start the card so I can get home...
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Arthur: it's time for the first of today's Tag tourney matches. To recap, Babes and Carrs have 0 points, The Surfers have 10 and Darque/Rob have 20! it's still anybody's game though!
Wilbur: Plus...the surfers and Babes have two matches tonight! But right now both leading teams are about to square off...looks to be a showstoppa!
Raskolnikov: Damn it...we get sued enough by the WWF as it is!!
Announcer: This next match is for one fall with a 15 minute time limit. Coming to the ring first, accompanied by Bonnie...here are Rive Snow and Sean Ryan..the Surfer Circuit!
(Mixed reaction comes up. Like yesterday...there is a delay. Finally Sean ryan shows up and poses. Fans boo. He walks out to the ring, gets on the apron and then taps his foot impatiently. Finally River hobbles down on crutches and bandages on his head.)
Wilbur: Again, it'll be a handicapped match. Darque complains about the unfair advantage they have. Ref says he has to allow it. Darque shrugs and lets Rob be the lead off man for this match up...
Raskolnikov: Lock up! Rob with a side headlock. Sean pushes him into the ropes! Rob on the rebound, sean with a leapfrog over Rob. Rob bounces off again and Sean with a drop toe hold into an STF. Rob grabs the ropes and gets a break. Rob to his feet, but Sean with an eye gouge and then a head scissors takedown. Rob kippups to his feet, but Sean stomps on his foot and hooks on a hammerlock. Rob with a flying mare escape and then a knee to the back of Sean's neck. Bow and Arrow submission applied! Sean's arms are bending at an unusual angle! Sean gets to his feet, and Rob changes it into an Abdominal stretch. Sean manuveres his elbow and jabs it into Rob's side. Rob lets up for a second and sean is able to turn it into a crucifix! 1...2..kickout! Rob gets to his feet! Sean tries for an armdrag, but Rob reverses it into a short arm clothesline! Rob with a pick up and a vertical suplex. Tag into Darque who comes off with a springboard senton while Rob holds his legs! Who the hell is this guy pretending to be Darquefyr? Darque now grabs Sean's legs and slingshot's him into the neutral corner! Darque now with a handspring elbow! Darque climbs the turnbuckles and starts his fists 'a flying!
Fans: 1...2....3...4....5...6..
Arthur: Sean with a running inverted atomic drop! Darque to the mat. Sean grabs Darque's legs and drops a leg of his own between them. Pick up and a bryant fron suplex by the Alternative! Sean whips Darque into the ropes! Goes for as backdrop, but it's telegraphed! Darque with a boot to the head and then an implant DDT! Sean rolls to the outside of the ring! Sean walks it off! Darque goes up top! Corkscrew plancha...but Sean pushes River in front of him and Darque gets a crutch right in the gut! Both River and Darque are down! Sean comes over with a chair and drives it into the inside of Darque's knee! Again. Now he drives the chair into Darque's back and rolls him in the ring. Sean up top! big elbow drop right into Darque's throat! Cover! 1..2....save by Rob with a kick to the back of the head! Ref sends rob back and Sean takes advantage with a blatant choke! Rob yells at the ref to turn and do his job, but that makes the ref focus more on Rob! I hate refs. You must have to pass an ignorance test to be one... Ref turns and sees only a reverse chinlock on Darque.
Wilbur: Darque gets to his feet, so Sean turns the chinlock into a sleeper. Darque with a series of elbows...but Sean turns it into a Full nelson! Darque Wraps his legs around Sean's waist and makes it into a modified victory roll! 1...2...kickout! Sean gets to his feet, and Darque with a double arm takedown into a jumping stomp on Ryan's head. Darque tags in Rob. Rob picks up and gorilla presses his partner! Sean to his feet! Rob hurtles Darque into ryan! Darque's shoulder catches Sean on the jaw! Rob then drops a leg and makes a cover! 1...2...kickout! Rob picks up Sean and hits him with a standing shoulderbreaker. Cover! 1...2...ickut! Sean is whipped intot he ropes! Rob tries for a tilt-a-whirl stomach breaker, bur Ryan reverses with a head scissors takedown! Rob to his feet, but Ryan with a savate kick and then a snap brain buster! Cover! 1..2..kickout! Sean places Rob on the top turnbuckle. tries for a superplex...but Rob with a block. Sean kicks Rob in the crotch for liek the one zillionth time in the past 24 hours and then Sean hits a Top Rope Death valley Driver! 1...2....thre...save by Darque!
Raskolnikov: Darque distracts Sean long enough so Rob can roll him up! 1...2...kickout! Sean to his feet, but Rob with a northern Lights bomb! 1...2...thre..kickout! Sean is whipped into the ropes and Rob catches him with a sidewalk slam! Sean slides out of the ring and Rob follows him. Sean irish whips River into Rob for distraction and Ruan goes back into the ring. Rob pushes River out of his way who says unkind things aboutboth Rob AND sean. Rob on the ring apron...but Sean with a running knee lift with catches Rob Ian in the jaw and sends him hurtling down to the floor and the concrete! Sean bounces off the middle ropes and catches Rob as he gets to his feet with an Asai moonsault! Ryan is up and grabs one of River's crutches to use as a weapon! River yanks it back from Sean! Now both surfers are arguing with each other! Sean pushes River. River pushes him back. Rob from behind with a belly to back suplex on the floor! Sean shouldn't get distracted like that! Rob rolls Sean in the ring and then makes the cover! 1...2...thre..kickout! Rob tags in Darque! Darque off the top with a shooting star press while ROb holds Sean's legs!
Wilbur: Darque Bounces off the ropes...lionsault! Cover! 1...2...thr..kickout! River is on the apron mocking Ryan. Darque with a series of martial arts kicks to the chest of Ryan and then he goes for an irish whip as River holds his crutch like a baseball bat! At the last second Sean reverses it thought...and River hits Darque! But River looks unhappy! I think he wanted to nail his own partner! Sean with a cover! 1...2...thre..save by Rob. Ref forces Rob to go back to his corner and Sean slaps on the Alterna Crest! Ref turns and sees the cover! 1.2...thre....Darque gets his shoulder up! WOW! Ryan goes up top now. Looks like the Riptide...but as he jumps Rob runs in grabs BY by the feet and drags him out of the way! Ryan holds his arm in pain. Rob is sent back to his corner and both legal men are down! Ref turns and starts the count! Darque crawls over to Sean and hooks on a cross face armbar! Sean cries out in pain! I can'tt believe he's lasted this long by himself! Ref is asking him if he submits...but Sean says no. Darque hooks the arm even tighter and is trying to yank it out of the socket.
Arthur: Sean gets his thumb in the mask holf of Darque II and repeatedly jabs the Vampire-boy in the eye! Darque lets go and howls in pain. Sean from behind with a Russian legsweep and a cover! 1...2...kickout! Sean picks up Darque and hits him with a german Suplex! 1...2...kickout! He irish whips Darque into the neutral corner! Sean with a Russian sickle, but Darque extends a boot and catches Sean in the jaw! Sean reels and Darque out of the corner with a hart attack clothesline! Both men are downa nd the ref starts counting again! 1...2...3.....4...5...Sean is to his feet! HE grabs Darque by the mask. Tries for a vertical suplex, but Darque with a reversal into a fisherman's suplex! 1...2...thr..kickout! Darque tags in Rob ian and as Rob clotheslines Sean to the mat, Darque hits a spinning leg Sweep! Rob places Sean on the top rope and mounts the top himself! Holy! INNER RAGE! Rob makes a cover! 1...2....thre..kickout! Rob picks up Sean again and hits a belly to belly suplex! 1....2....thre...kickout! But the bell rings anyways? Did the ref miss his shoulder going up?
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen...the 15 minute time limit has expired! This match is...A DRAW!
(Rob and Darque looks disapointed. Sean looks tired. Rob and Darque leave as River climbs intot he ring.)
Arthur: great stamina by Sean! If river was here and 100%, I think the Surfers would've taken it!
Wilbur: look how sweet River is! He's helping his partner to his feet...
Raskolnikov: Sweet my ass! River tries to Deck Sean..but Shawn ducks the blows! I think we've got a breakup on our hands!
Sean: Dude, like, what the hell are you doing man? Just like, chill dude, you're acting like a total psycho.
River: Listen man, let's face it, Tiffany is gonna like, kick your damn ass and...
Sean: There you like, go on about that chick again! Doesn't this get through your head? She's a spoot, a total like, luenatic or something man. She's the one that made you like this...honestly, swinging stuff at me is so totally uncool. What was with that?
River: Face it, you're gonna lose the next match, might as well have an excuse to like, lose.
Sean: Listen man, I don't know where you're from...
River: Yeah you do.
Sean: Just...just chill out for a second. I don't know what you're talking about. I beat these two dudes, and like I could beat your spoot chick and my chick. What I don't need is you like, rooting for your little girlie and...hey, wait a minute...are you trying to like, impress your little girliefriend by trying to just like, hand the babe a title without a fight?
River: Umm...no.
Sean: Yeah you are dude, don't try to put sand down my shorts man, you're pulling my like, leg man. You just want your spoot girlie to like, like you or something. You know what, I've had enough. You want to impress your girlie, you go do it yourself. I don't need some dude like myself to like, get screwed out of another title because of some little case of spoot love. Go lose my belt...see what I care...
(Sean throws down the mic and leaves to the sounds of "Wipeout" in an angry manner. River is sitting in the ring by himself, leaning on the ropes. He is yelling at himself as the crowd gasps at the sight they just saw.)
Wilbur: This is not good.
Arthur: Tell me about it! But looking at the score board...it's Darque and Rob 25! Surfers have 15. Carrs and Babes have 0! Things are still close!
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Raskolnikov: Up next is a match pitting ex-partners against each other.
Arthur: Ah yes..Unforgiven against Remorse and orgasmatron!
Wilbur: Think he'll have "sexual bliss" tonight?
Arthur: I hear he's gotten counciling for that sort of thing...
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Ring announcer: Currently in the ring, Remorse and Heresy!
(Both men stand in the ring, raising their arms. The fans greet them with small but polite boos. A few people wonder who in the hell they are.)
Ring announcer: And their opponent...
("Floods" by Pantera plays and Unforgiven races to ringside. He attacks both men as the bell rings. He clotheslines Heresy and grabs Remorse by the throat. The big man chokeslams Remorse, planting him in the center of the ring. He covers for the pin but Heresy breaks the count, with a stomp to the back. Both Heresy and Remorse attack Unforgiven with a series of stomps and chops. They whip him to the ropes for a double backdrop but he suprises them with twin DDTs! He grabs Heresy and power bombs him, sending the freak scurrying. Remorse jumps on Unforgiven's back but Unforgiven snapmares him off. He elbow drops Remorse and covers, receiving a two count. He sends Remorse to the ropes and hits him square in the jaw with a stiff boot. He then delivers a thundering leg drop of doom to Remorse's throat. He power slams Remorse and then points at Heresy, who stands in the corner begging off. He throws remorse out of the ring and follows him out.
Unforgiven grabs a chair from a wiling fan and cracks it over remorse's head. He then removes the padding from ringside and piledrives him on the concrete. Unforgiven grabs the weakened Remorse and throws him into the steel railing, sending him flying into the screaming fans. Unforgiven grabs him and slams him again on the concrete. He follows with another leg drop on the downed Remorse. He drags Remorse back to the ring to avoid a count out. Heresy looks on in frustration as his partner is continually battered and beaten by the enraged giant. Unforgiven whips Remorse to the far corner and catches him with a Stinger splash. Remorse slumps to the mat and Unforgiven delivers a tombstone piledriver. He covers again but Heresy races in and pushes him off of his partner. An enraged Unforgiven grabs Heresy by the throat and attacks him with a series of punches to the face, sending him flying back to his corner. Unforgiven turns his attention to Remorse again and punishes him with a quick brain buster. He lifts the defeated man and delivers The Penance, sending the crowd to their feet!
He goes for the cover but notices Heresy mounting the top rope. Heresy comes off with a flying splash but Unforgiven catches him in mid air and piledrives him! He lifts Heresy and Penances him on top of Remorse. Unforgiven crosses his arms and puts his foot on both men as the ref makes the three count!
Ring announcer: The winner of the match...Unforgiven!
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Arthur: I thought for sure we'd see a wad of jizmoglobin.
Wilbur: Speaking of that...Gwar, the offical Totally Naked Circus Freak Orgie Band is tuned up and they're ready to sing a song!
Raskolnikov: Oh goody....
I wake you up in the morning baby with a kick in the tit
I treat you like shit! You love it
Smack you right in the face now baby, just to show you I care
And then I kick you pregnant ass right down the stairs
Slap slap slap U around
Slap slap slap U around
Slap slap slap U around
All day..
All day, every fucking day
I pay the doctor bills baby, so I'll break what I want
I spend all my money in a fucking restaurant
I let you live in my house now woman, I take you out on the town
I want some payback now woman, I get to slap you around
Slap slap slap U around
Slap slap slap U around
Slap slap slap U around
You know...one thing I'll never under stand about you is, now matter how many time I hit you in the teeth, smack you in the head with a mahole cover or pour molten glass down your rectum, you always....come back for more!
Arthur: dear god....
Wilbur: I...er....um...
Raskolnikov: Please! In Mother Russia that's nothing compared to how we treat our women...
Arthur: YOU sick monster! How...HOW can they sing about that??? I...
Wilbur: Sam...Sam...Sam...wo have your hired??? Folks..I'd like to say right now that that....song in no way represents how ANY employee of the FWO feels towards women! Well..except maybe Tulu.
Arthur: Isn't Tulu the one that signed GWAR for tonight...
Wilbur: *sigh...*
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