CHALKY, DUFUS AND SHIRT

- THE SITCOM -

-EPISODE GUIDE-

First Series (6 x 30 min episodes)

Regular Cast

Chalky…..Andrew East; Dufus…..Mark Bumpsteed; Shirt…..Paul Leach.

Series One of “Chalky, Dufus & Shirt – The Sitcom” burst onto BBC2 in September 2002, immediately establishing itself as a ‘cult’. The episode-titles were all parodies of standard ‘Doctor Who’ story-titles.

EPISODES

1.1: The Evening In Of Doom

(First transmisssion: Monday 9^th September 2002, 9.30pm. BBC2)

Guest Stars

Enigma…..Emma Carlile.

The Plot

Chalky, Dufus & Shirt have been living in their new flat for three weeks, and are awaiting their first visitor, Enigma. Having looked at his finances, Dufus is unsure whether he can attend a signing that Saturday. An argument erupts over the pantomime nature of “Delta & The Bannermen”, which is only becalmed by a phone call from Mr. Whisky in Ireland, in which Chalky wins some money by predicting he’ll mention “Only Fools..” first. However, when Enigma arrives, Shirt wins his money back by correctly predicting her current hair colour, Purple.

Having discussed all the recent signings that they have attended, the three find themselves unable to decide what they should do to entertain Enigma. With Strip Poker and Postman’s Knock ruled out, as well as television and watching a video, Dufus suggests that Enigma teaches him to dance. This suggestion refused, and the cinema ruled out due to Shirt’s minute bladder, the three’s expectant looks at Enigma are firmly rebuffed. Unable to think of anything else, Enigma leaves, leaving the three alone again, and back where they started the episode.

Quotable Quotes

S: I don’t know why we bother paying for the gas central-heating in this place. We should just run a metal pipe from his [Dufus’] bottom, and we’d have enough methane to heat the entire street !!

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D: I’ve always wondered, why do we call her Enigma ?

S: It’s because however hard we try, we just can’t get to her bottom !

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C: It’s just one of the mysteries of the universe. Along with “Exactly which planet is Dufus on ?”, and “Were Shirt’s shirts ever fashionable........anywhere ?”.

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C: Come on, there must be something that three guys and a girl can do on a Saturday night.

Fascinating Facts

• The idea of the three sharing a flat had always been posited by Mark, to cries of derision from the other two, in particular Andrew.

• This episode, the pilot, was filmed some six months before the rest of the series, and slight differences in the flat set can be seen in later episodes, namely the colour of the Talking Dalek on the mantlepiece, posters on the walls, and most importantly the colour of the carpet following Mark dropping a slice of pizza on the original during a recording break, and a similar carpet being unable to be found.

Review

“A sitcom about three sci-fi fans. On paper this would seem to be a recipe for disaster, but through clever dialogue and outstanding performances from the three principals – it works. With enough jokes that non-fans can understand, this series may become a cult itself” (TV Zone # 156)

1.2: Terror of the Entrées

(First transmisssion: Monday 16^th September 2002, 9.30pm. BBC2)

Guest Stars

Flipper…..Kate Stanton; Waiter…..Toby Longworth.

The Plot

Having spent all night in an internet chatroom, Dufus gets a date with a girl named Phillipa (nicknamed “Flipper). Unfortunately, he’s told her a few lies and sent her a photo of a male model from FMH. Scared at the prospect of their date, three days later, he manages to persuade Chalky and Shirt to come along and sit at the next table, by offering to pay for their meals. The evening does not get off to an auspicious start – the French waiter refuses to believes that Dufus is waiting for a woman and that Chalky and Shirt are not an item, Flipper is late, and Dufus squashes Flipper against the table when pushing her chair in for her. Flipper reveals that she is a teacher, and seems less than impressed at Dufus’ credit control stories and his dropping food down his front. Conversation is forced, and as Dufus digs himself into deeper holes, Chalky and Shirt’s presence at the next table become more obvious, as they continually put their heads in their hands. The meal over, Flipper makes a quick exit, leaving her phone number on a napkin which she gives to Chalky. Dufus is reflective – there’s a girl at work who must fancy him.

Quotable Quotes

C: So, let me get this straight – you know what she looks like, and she knows what a male model looks like !!

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D: I work for a company that makes industrial gases.

F: Oh yes, and what do you do there ?

S: (mumbles, to CHALKY) He’s in production - the gas he produces certainly is industrial strength.

Fascinating Facts

• The character of Flipper in based on a number of females known to the writers, the main influences being Kate Stanton who plays the part and Heather Mansell (known to the gang as ‘DesRes’). The character was named by Paul, as he wanted a female character whose name shortened to a marine animal as an in-joke that he has never explained.

• Toby Longworth (Waiter) is indeed an actor best known for his voice-work, voicing two characters in “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace”. He also played the title role in Big Finish’s “Judge Dredd” audio series.

Review

“Building on the previous week’s ‘Meet the fans’ storyline, the trio take on dating, with a storyline built around the wonderful physical comedy talent of its writer-star, Mark Bumpsteed. If all scripts are of this standard, the show won’t stay on BBC2 for long” (TV Zone # 156)

1.3: The Curse of Fandom

(First transmisssion: Monday 23^rd September 2002, 9.30pm. BBC2)

Guest Stars

Servelan…..Kate Green; Orac…..Mitchell Sandler; Dorian…..Peter Ashdown; Jenna…..Leoni Fermer.

The Plot

Chalky is now seeing Flipper, much to Dufus’ disgust. Shirt has been away at the National Association of Probation Officers’ Annual Conference, and so Chalky and Dufus have bought him a copy of the new Large Endings’ audio. Both have listened to their copies, and have been talking about a “twist in the tale” in hushed voices. Due to work levels, Shirt is unable to listen to the CD until the end of the week, and is keen not to know what the “twist” is. Howver, this proves to be almost impossible. On turning on his computer, he finds an e-mail from Lupine about the audio, which he just manages to avoid reading. The audio newsgroup is also buzzing with the news, and so Shirt decides to avoid the internet until the end of the week. Picking up his mobile phone that he had left behind, he finds a text message from Enigma, also threatening to spoiler the plot. He therefore locks his mobile in a drawer.

The next day, he feels that he is home and dry, until his subscription copy of MDW falls onto the mat, again with spoilers. Managing again to avoid reading the relevant article, the magazine is locked in the drawer also. Chalky and Dufus are also continuing to “accidentally” give away the plot, causing Shirt to have to put his fingers in his ears and hum on a regular basis. A jaunt to the local group also nearly proves disastrous, with the latest audio twist being the main topic of conversation. Finally having had enough, Shirt goes into his room and listens to the story from start to finish, emerging disappointed, having realised the twist five minutes in.

Quotable Quotes

S: Have I been away ? You know full well that I’ve been at the National Association of Probation Officers’ Annual Conference in Eastbourne. A long weekend of sun, sea, sand, and…symposiums !!

C: Sounds riveting !!

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S: It was obvious, I’d worked the “infamous twist” out, five minutes in. It was all a bit disappointing really !

Fascinating Facts

• The members of the local ‘Doctor Who’ group were played by the members of the gang’s real local group, the “Sutton Whos”.

Review

“The problems of living with other fans and the increasing problem of not being able to avoid spoilers for upcoming programmes is looked at, and proves to be source of great comedy material for the three men who are rapidly becoming ‘the next big thing’ “ (Cult Times # 86)

1.4: The Time Waster

(First transmisssion: Monday 30^th September 2002, 9.30pm. BBC2)

Guest Stars

Sontaran…..Anthony Keetch.

The Plot

Chalky, Dufus and Shirt are going to a convention. Chalky is waiting for the other two at the venue. However, Dufus has lost his convention pass. He and Shirt spend the half of the episode searching for the pass in the pile of “magazines”, discarded clothing, and dirty plates that is Dufus’ room, whilst Chalky gets increasingly worried. During their search of Dufus’ floor, they discover: four CDs without cases, six Harlequin “Movie Barbara”’s, a sentient being evolved from the mould on one of the plates, and film cans containing Episode 4 of “The Tenth Planet“ and the whole of “Marco Polo” (which Shirt throws away as they are black-and-white).

They then attempt to make up for lost time driving to the venue, but Shirt’s navigational skills and a detour to an Oxfam sale, mean the situation turns from bad to worse.

Quotable Quotes

C: All this wit – it’s like living with the Krankies !!

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S: Shall I put this sixth “Movie Barbara” with its five sisters ?

Fascinating Facts

• The Movie Barbara incident is a true story, slightly exaggerated.

• Paul’s hatred of black-and-white ‘Doctor Who’, the blame for which he lays squarely at William Hartnell’s crotchety performance’s door, is seen clearly in this episode, as is his and Mark’s total lack of senses of direction.

• This episode marks the first appearance in the series of Anthony Keetch, an actor cast in a number of episodes, due to his seeming ability to turn up for anything, even the opening of an envelope.

Review

“With ‘Doctor Who’, the show that the characters are obsessed with, any story with ‘time’ in its title has proved to be below par. This episode of ‘C,D&S’ takes that rule and laughs at it, by giving us one of this series’ best episodes so far” (Starburst # 292)

1.5: The Dinner Party of Fear

(First transmisssion: Monday 7^th October 2002, 9.30pm. BBC2)

Guest Stars

Flipper…..Kate Stanton

The Plot

Chalky is on a date with Flipper (now his girlfriend), and is running out of reasons not to invite her back to the flat, aware that his secret Doctor Who fandom will be revealed. Backed into a corner, he invites her round for dinner on Friday night. Only two problems: Dufus (her rejected suitor) is going to be there, and he hasn’t told her that he’s a “Doctor Who” fan. He is adamant that no-one should tell her, removing all posters, model daleks and videos from communal areas. Still Shirt wouldn’t let the cat out of the bag. And neither would Dufus. Or would he ? Chalky fears the worst.

Quotable Quotes

F: Did you really mean those three little words that you said to me in the cinema, tonight ?

C: Yes, I had seen it before !

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S: I don’t know why you don’t just give her oven chips. Everyone loves “Oven Chips” !

C: Yet again, we have the reason that you don’t have a girlfriend.

Fascinating Facts

• The inspiration for this episode came from the dinner scenes that featured in all four series of the Steven Moffatt comedy, “Coupling”.

Review

“Following on from getting a girlfriend, Chalky needs to tell her he’s a fan. As we’ve come to expect, this is handled brilliantly with the tension and embarrassment evident throughout, building to a surprising climax” (TV Zone # 157)

1.6: Longleat

(First transmisssion: Monday 14^th October 2002, 9.30pm. BBC2)

Guest Stars

Flipper…..Kate Stanton; Enigma…..Emma Carlile; Lupine…..Marc Taylor; Himself….Colin Baker; Himself…..Frazer Hines; Himself…..Nicholas Courtney; Himself…..Gary Downie; Mr. Oak…..Andrew Beech; Cyberman/DWAS Member…..Nicholas Pegg; Hieronymous…..Barnaby Edwards; DWAS Members…..Andrew Fettes, Mark McDonnell, Helen Goldwyn & Anthony Keetch.

The Plot

Chalky, Dufus and Shirt are making their annual pilgrimage to Lord Bath’s Estate, joined by Lupine, Enigma & Flipper (making her signing debut). All seems to be going well after a late start, until Lupine ‘phones to state that he is stuck in traffic. The gang eventually meet up, help pack Dufus’entire DW collection into one of the cars, and speed off. Dufus’ navigation skills mean that Lupine has to drive round the same roundabout several times, but eventually all five make it to Longleat House and Gardens.

First up is the Orangery, where Flipper mistakes Colin Baker for Tom, Colin becomes concerned that Shirt is following him, and is scared by Lupine. Next up are Frazer Hines and Nicholas Courtney, the latter signing Enigma’s T-shirt on the bra-strap (“Naughty Courtney”). After lunch, and a sweaty session in the auction, the friends wander round the Exhibition, in order that they can ask Flipper if “Gareth Speaks The Truth”. A cake cutting to celebrate twenty years since Tom Baker’s milkman retired over, the group get completely lost in the maze. Returning to their cars, the group return home, but at the end of the day there’s a nagging feeling that there’s something important that they’ve forgotten. Meanwhile, in the centre of the maze, Dufus fearfully looks around him as darkness falls.

Quotable Quotes

S: I’ve brought some tapes.

C: Not… (deep voice) I am the god of hellfire, and I bring you.. (weakly) Sea-Slug’s Pick-and-Mix… Two ??