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I thought since we are currently stuck in rerun hell I'd bring back a classic rant. Classic being nice-speak for old. <Ducks> Okay, okay, I wouldn't do that to you that would be beyond cruel.
Before I go into the rant I thought I'd do something new. I'm going to warn you in advance before I go off what I'm going to rant about. This way you can skip down to the deconstruction because this subject is likely (based on the previous posts I read on the subject) to be close to more than one person's heart. This rant will go off on boy bands and I don't pull punches. Okay, you've been warned. [Archivist's note: The rant in question is at the archive.]
On to the "show."
Jose Chung's From Outer Space: A Lunatic's Tale
Abbreviations to date:
Roky : ROK
Harold Lamb: Hsap
Jose Chung (The lech): JC
Scully: S
Chrissy the annoying twit: AT
Irate Father: IF
Mulder: M
Hypnotist (AKA scary looking quack): SLQ
Detective "bleepin'" Manners (AKA Man1):
DetM
Cigarette Smoking Alien: CSA
Number of times a question is answered with "How the hell
should I know?": 2
Number of spaceships making an appearance: 2
Number of times Jose Chung grossed me out: 3
Number of (gratuitous?) Krycek mentions: 2
Number of times Mulder calls Scully by her last name:
1
Number of times Scully calls Mulder by his last name: 2
Detective Manners' Filth-o-meter: number of expletives bleeped or blanked: 6
Roky Crekenson's house
A man is sitting at his artist's desk in the basement, papers in front of him. As he turns to speak we see it is ROK, the telephone technician who was working not too far from where AT, Hsap, and the grays were abducted. M and S are standing on either side of him.
ROK: I know how crazy all this sounds, but I don't care. What I have to say has to be said.
S: Why did you wait till now to tell us this information? Two kids' lives may be affected by it.
ROK: Well, it, it's bigger than a couple of kids. It has to do with the entire planet… the universe and who knows what all! <Like potential book sales perhaps?>
M: Why don't you tell us what happened that night? <Do try to be coherent when you do this.>
ROK: This. [He holds up what appears to be a manuscript] It's all here. After seeing what I saw that night, I rushed right home and wrote it all down. Forty-eight hours straight. I didn't want to forget a single detail.
M reaches for it, but ROK snatches it back holding up his hand.
ROK: But I feel that I should warn you, I don't want to be overly dramatic here, but by looking at this, you're putting your lives in danger. <Like they're not endangering their lives by chatting it up in the house of a lunatic.>
M: Why is that?
ROK: Because last night, the weirdest thing happened.
Cut to the previous night. ROK is sitting at his artist's desk, writing his manuscript or whatever wearing exactly what he would be wearing when he handed his manuscript to M and S. <While I'm thinking about it I believe it's the same thing that he was wearing when he was working the night before which would have him wearing the same clothes for at least 3 days. Yuck!> The garage door opens up. He turns to see a black sedan pull in. The garage door closes while ROK just sits there staring. The window slides down to reveal a man in black.
Man in Black(MIB1): No other object as been misidentified as a flying saucer more often than the planet Venus.
ROK: Really?
Cut to the day of the questioning. It appears that no time has passed but in fact M and S are there.
ROK: ;That was when I realized something was weird. <THAT is when you realized something was weird? What do you often have uninvited guests enter your garage and start babbling about misidentified flying objects being the planet Venus?>
S: At which point?
ROK: See, normally, if two strangers drive into my garage, I tell them to get the hell off the property. <I would think so.> But this time, I didn't! It was like I was in a trance or something. <I'm starting to wonder about that or something part. What HAVE you been smoking?>
M: What did these men look like? <A former wrestler and a game show host.>
ROK: Usually, I'm really good with faces, but this time, all I can remember is how they were dressed. <How convenient> They were…
M: All in black? <You're leading the witness again M!>
ROK stares at him, then looks at S, then slumps back slightly, staring at M.
ROK: How'd you know that? <Because he's Spooky!>
M: Since the '50s, people who have had close encounters have reported subsequent visitations by these unearthly men in black.
S has a look on her face like she thinks this is all ridiculous.
JC: [voiceover] But you know, myths about men in black garments…
Cut back to the present day in the basement office
JC: …have been recorded throughout history in many different cultures. The Celtic legends are filled with trickster men in black and how anyone who encounters them becomes enchanted.
S: Unfortunately, I'm not sure that modern reconstruction of ancient fairy tales lends any more credence to Roky's testimony.
Cut back to the garage on the day the MIBs visited. MIB1 steps out of the car and walks slowly towards ROK.
MIB1: Even the former leader of your United States of America, James Earl Carter Jr., thought he saw a UFO once… [He looks down at the document, it reads: "The Truth About Aliens" by Roky Crikenson.] But it's been proven he only saw the planet Venus.
ROK grabs the manuscript and clutches it close to his chest, leaning back in his chair as far as possible in what appears to be an attempt to protect the document from MIB1.
ROK: I'm a republican. <That doesn't make you sound less crazy. Indeed it has the opposite effect.>
MIB1: Venus was at its peak brilliance last night. You probably thought you saw something up in the sky other than Venus, but I assure you, it was Venus.
ROK: I know… [He sits up, but the MIB pushes him back down.] …What I saw.
MIB1 leans in as he talks. <I hope he had the decency to partake of a tic tac. I'd hate to think he'd just eaten garlic or something. ROK has to breathe you know.>
MIB1: Your scientists have yet to discover how neural networks create self-consciousness, let alone how the human brain processes two-dimensional retinal images into the three-dimensional phenomenon known as perception. [He straightens and holds his arms out in disbelief while looking to the ceiling. He turns his attention back to ROK.] Yet you somehow brazenly declare seeing is believing?
A second man in black (MIB2) walks over to ROK putting his hand on ROK's shoulder, his face is hidden in shadow to all but ROK.
MIB1: Mr. Crikenson, your scientific illiteracy makes me shudder, and I wouldn't flaunt your ignorance by telling anyone that you saw anything last night other than the planet Venus, because if you do, [He points a black leather glove covered finger at ROK] you're a dead man. [He gets back in the car. MIB2 has already returned. <Slippery sucker ain't he?>
ROK: You… can't threaten me. <It goes without saying but he already did.>
MIB1: I just did.
MIB1 rolls up the window. The garage door opens and the MIB's car backs out of the garage and speeds back the way it came, backwards. ROK stares in disbelief. Seemingly no time has passed, but it about 24 hours later with M and S listening to the story. ROK passes the manuscript to M.
ROK: This is what they wanted me not to show anyone. [He stands while M looks at the manuscript.] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pack.
M: If we have any more questions, where can we find you?
ROK: You won't find me.
M looks up at him. ROK leaves. S looks at M skeptically; as usual M seems oblivious to her skepticism. M turns his attention to the manuscript.
No-Tell Motel Room
M sits in a chair. Across the room S is stretched out on the bed.
M: [reading from manuscript] I sat in my stalled truck, frozen in terror, watching as this third alien attacked the other two gray aliens. And then it happened, the thing that forever changed my life…
Cut to the big night. ROK drives up in his electric company crane truck where it comes to a stop next to the abandoned car. The cheesy claymation appearing behemoth roars, swinging somewhat ineffectually at the two grays, who easily duck under his blows. ROK leans over, shrinking down in his seat. Footsteps approach and the behemoth roars. A thunderous voice echoes through the area. The voice belongs to the behemoth.
Behemoth: Roky! Roky!
ROK sits up slightly to see the giant behemoth standing next to the truck.
Behemoth: Be thou not afraid! No harm will come unto thee.
ROK: Wh, what do you want with me?
Behemoth: Your efforts are needed for the survival of all earthlings.
ROK: How can I do that? <Sterilization?>
Behemoth: [motions for ROK to come out of the truck] Come. I shall showeth…
Cut back to the motel room.
M: [reading]…thee.
Cut to S who looks really bored.
M: [turns the page] Before I knew it, I was aboard the hover vessel and was not heading into outer space, but into inner space, heading towards the earth's molten core. For that is the domain of the third alien, whose name, he soon told me… was Lord Kinbote. <What the hell kind of name is that anyway?>
M looks up at S, practically rolling his eyes at the dumb ass name.
Cut to the X-Files office.
S: In short, Roky showed signs of being what is known as a fantasy-prone personality. <Not to mention showing signs of being hygienically challenged.>
JC: Agent Scully, you are so kindhearted. He's a nut! I just read his manifesto! <Jose Chung you are SUCH a suck-up!>
S: How did you get a copy? <Probably downloaded it while looking for some porn on the internet. The Pervert!>
JC pulls out the manifesto.
JC: One was sent to my publishers. I don't know what was more disturbing… his description of the inner core reincarnated souls [makes a strange motion with his hands] sex orgy… or the fact that the whole thing is written in screenplay format. <Please, I'm sure the only reason the orgy could have possibly bothered you is because you were jealous that you weren't invited. Pervert!>
S: It definitely was peculiar.
JC: Well, surely, your partner didn't believe any of it? <You obviously don't know M do you?>
S: W-w-well, Mulder's had his share of peculiar notions. He's not inclined to dismiss anything outright. <Unless it is about religion.>
Back to the motel room.
S: Mulder, you're nuts! <And soon you'll have the medical history to prove it.>
M: I'm not saying he isn't delusional, I'm just suggesting that his delusional state was triggered by something he actually witnessed that night. And the first part of his story verifies the boy's version. In fact, the only version that doesn't add up is the girl's. [He picks up the phone and starts to dial.]
S: Who are you calling? <His drug dealer>
M: I'm going to arrange to have her re-hypnotized.
S: Re-hypnotized? What for? <To give her a less annoying personality?>
M: To see if what she remembers is really what she remembers. <I'm not going to ask if you said what I think you said because I know that's what you said. But I think you've lost it M.>
You know how for some reason you'll wash pairs of socks but for some reason you'll end up with odd socks out? I think I know what happens to them. The men in black break in with their magic domicile entry device, and steal the socks. And on occasion they use their mystical entry methods to enter homes to threaten people. How handy it must be to be able to open a garage door that doesn't belong to you while rounding the corner. I must get a device like that. Of course I also need a car and a garage too. Details, details.
Have I mentioned that JC creeps me out?
S does have quite the gift for understatement doesn't she? M has had his share of peculiar notions? ROTFLMBAO! Yeah like every other time he opens his mouth. Remember the 100+ year old suspect thing that Colton nearly had a heart attack when he heard the question? LOL! Peculiar notions. <snicker> I'm surprised M didn't decide that Lord Kinbote wrote the King James Version of the bible. That would have been SO M.
Poor S. Every time you see here she looks more and more like she wants to crawl into a hole and disappear there.
Someone really should tell ROK to change his clothes or something. I mean really it if I'm correct he's been wearing the same clothes for 3 days. I'm surprised he wasn't a bit -er ripe by the time M and S got to him.
Until next time…
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