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*********************************************** > A bus pulls up at a stop and a nun gets on. Seeing that she is the only > passenger, > the nun approaches the driver. > "I wonder if you could do me a special favour, Mr Driver" she asks. > "Of course, sister" replies the driver. > "Well, I have a rare and incurable disease and I'm going to die soon" > says the nun, > " but before I do, I want to have sex. Will you help me?" > "Yes, I will" says the driver. > "There are two conditions, though" continues the nun, "first you must be > single, > because I cannot commit adultery; and second, it has to be anal sex as I > must die > a virgin." > The driver agrees and they go to the back of the bus where the driver > gives the > nun's arse a good going over. Afterward, the driver is racked with > guilt. > "I'm sorry, sister," he says, " I have to confess that I'm married." > "That's okay, Mr Driver," says the nun, sweetly," I too have a > confession to make. > My name is Adam Pearson and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party!" ************************************************ A man walks into a bar with a banana in each ear. Somewhat baffled, the barman asks, "Why have you got a banana in each ear?" The man replies, "Sorry I can't hear you, I've got a banana in each ear." Q. How do you kill off a circus? A. Go straight for the juggler. Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'... and she's always sound asleep." Q. What's the advantage of taking Viagra and Valium? A. If you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck. ************************************************** 30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahhhh, it's cute. 3. Why don't we just cuddle? 4. You know they have surgery to fix that. 5. Make it dance. 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it? 7. Wow, and your feet are so big. 8. It's OK, we'll work around it. 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10. Oh no... a flash headache. 11. (giggle and point) 12. Can I be honest with you? 13. How sweet, you brought incense. 14. This explains your car. 15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 16. Why is God punishing me? 17. At least this won't take long. 18. I never saw one like that before. 19. But it still works, right? 20. It looks so unused. 21. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 23. Are you cold? 24. If you get me real drunk first. 25. Is that an optical illusion? 26. What is that? 27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 28. Does it come with an air pump? 29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'. ******************************************* A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a marquee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a marquee; then I'm a wigwam again. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two in tents." Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that Granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that Daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning." Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. I would love to speak the German language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" I dated this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. ************************************************************************ The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse." ************************************************************************ A guy got a sunburn while at a nude beach. Later, he found having sex to be extremely painful, so he went to the kitchen, poured a glass of milk, and inserted his dick in the glass. His girlfriend came into the kitchen and said, "I've always wanted to know how men reload that thing." ************************************************************************ An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother. ************************************************************************ Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!" ************************************************************************ I just discovered I went out with Barbie She left me for Ken cuz he had a better car and house! *** Paddy, works on the site, goes missing for a few days. Some of the lads get a bit worried and go around to see him. Knock on the door and Paddy opens it, large as life. "What the f***'s going on Paddy?" his mates ask him "Well it's this jigsaw I'm doing " Paddy says "Want's to be some 30,000 piece jigsaw to keep you off work for two bloody days" his mate said. "Come into the kitchen and have a look" Paddy says. They go through to the kitchen and one of his mates picks up the box. It's got a bloody great white chicken on it. His mate says "Oh for crying out loud Paddy. Put the cornflakes back in the box and get back to work!" *** Behind every successful man stands an amazed woman. *** Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun is a lot more work. *** Q. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? A. One, but for the message of light to continue,send in your donation today. *** Q: How many born-again Christians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One to change the bulb and about 500 to go outside and shout "I've seen the light!" *** There is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge when a Priest walks past. The man turns to the Priest and says, "Don't try to stop me father, I'm going to jump." "Don't jump." says the Priest, "It can't be that bad. Think of the life you have yet to live." "That's one of the reasons I'm jumping" Says the Irish man. "Well if that won't stop you, think about your family." says the Priest. "That's another reason." says the Irish man. "Well think about your job." says the Priest. "There's another reason." says the Irish man. "Well if that won't stop you think about St. Patrick." says the Priest. "Who's that?" asks the Irish man. "Jump you Protestant bastard." says the Priest *** Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter `M' and I pick up things. What am I?" Little Johnnie on the front row says, "You're a muther'." *** Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are at a meeting when a fire breaks out in a wastebasket. The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than their ignition temperature and then the fire will go out." The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants." As thephysicist and the chemist debate what to do, the statistician actually does something. He runs around the room lighting more fires. The physicist and the chemist scream "What are you doing?" The statistician replies, "We're going to need a larger sample size." *** One afternoon, in the yard of a bawdy house in a red light district of New Orleans two young boys were playing with their toy cars and trucks, oblivious to their environment. Innocent of the ways of the world, they had chosen this yard for its bare spots and patches, where dusty dirt and toy cars mixed perfectly. After a while, two gentlemen walked up to the front door, speaking to each other as they passed the boys: FIRST MAN - "Have you got the twenty dollars?" SECOND MAN - "I've got it right here." The men disappear into the house, and the boys resume playing in the yard, curious, but not too curious. About an hour later, the same two men exit the house, again speaking as they pass the boys: FIRST MAN - "Now, didn't I tell you that was worth twenty bucks?" SECOND MAN - "Yeah, that was great. I'm glad we came." The men walk off, and the two youngsters look at each other meaningfully and begin digging into their jeans. BOY ONE - "I got twenny cents!" BOY TWO - "Let's go, I got a quarter!" So they proceed to cross the porch and knock on the door, shuffling and sniffling as they wait for the door to be answered. Finally the Madame opens the door, and after looking around, looks low enough to spot the boys wiggling in their nervousness. MADAME - "Whadda YOU boys doin' here. GEDDADA here!" BOY ONE, who has collected their pooled resources, takes the initiative: BOY ONE - "Please Ma'am, can we have 45 cents worth of what those guys just got for twenny bucks?" MADAME - (Never one to pass up easy cash) "Where's your money?" As BOY ONE holds up the $.45, she grabs it, opens her housecoat slightly and puts her fingers down her panties, then rubs them under each boys nose. After this the Madame yells:"Now GEDDADA here!" and slams the door. As the boys slowly walk across the porch, they speak: BOY ONE - "Well, whaddaya think?" BOY TWO - "Oh, it was ok, but I don't think I could take twenny dollars worth!" *** The contrast between British and European football was thrown into sharp focus yesterday. Asked what he thought about former Spurs boss Christian Gross, Frenchman David Ginola told The Sun: "When we were together every day it was like being with a woman you don't love anymore. You have to eat with them in the kitchen. There is silence and sometimes there is rows. When you get a new manager it is like being with a new woman". Asked exactly the same question, England reserve goalkeeper keeper Ian Walker said that Gross was: " A Wanker." oh the irony, 'This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.' ~Ted Walsh ( Horse Racing Commentator) 'I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat.' ~Ron Atkinson 'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.' ~Ian Rush Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?' Chris Eubank: ' On what ? ' 'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona' ~Mark Draper (Aston Villa) 'There goes Juantorena down the backstraight, opening his legs and showing his class' ~David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics 'And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock) , I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's' ~ David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day '...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion' -John Arlott *** Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic? *** I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top *** Did you hear about the three gay guys who attacked a woman? Two held her down while the other did her hair. *** A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain." The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building." *** Little Johnnie and his sister walked into the bank and dumped bagfuls of change on the counter. "My goodness!" said the teller, "did you two hoard all of this?" "Uh-uh" said Little Johnnie. "My sister whored, I only pimped." *** ************************************************ A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more-would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet was blocked. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?" The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? Mr Zanussi?" Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or have sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled "What do I look like? Mrs Kipling?" **************************************************** What do you call a Serbian prostitute? Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch Naaaaaaaaasty! ******************************************************** How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. ***** Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut. ***** Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. ***** Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg? They won't stop to ask directions. ***** What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being. ***** How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. ***** What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. ***** Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. ***** How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened. ***** Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends. *********************************************************** Thieves spring 'shagadelic' revenge ROTHERHAM, England (AFP-Jiji) A gang of thieves, which was ordered to plant daffodil bulbs as part of their community service, has seen their revenge flourish this spring. The group was told to plant hundreds of bulbs along one of the main roads in Rotherham, in northern England, last autumn. But when the bulbs sprouted this week, the blooms spelled out the words "bollocks" and "shag" in letters 1.3 meters wide. Residents living on East Bawtry Road, which carries thousands of visitors a day, said people were coming from kilometers around to take a look at the flowers. One, Alan McCue, 48, said: "I can see the funny side, but it doesn't really create a good impression of the town. They planted hundreds of bulbs, so we're all a bit worried about what might come up next." ********************************************************************** ***** What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A Widow. **** Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married Women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. ***** How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire. ***** How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes. ***** What did God say after creating Adam? I must be able to do better than that. ***** What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect." ***** What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They are married. ******************************************* Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no > money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find > themselves outside the bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so > we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police". Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried. "What the feck are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You fecking idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!". ****************************************************** Q: What's the hardest part of a sex change operation? A: Removing half the brain. Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A: Lickalotapuss Q: How can you tell if you eat pussy well? A: You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush. Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? A: He heard that the referee was blowing fowls. Q: What is better than winning gold at the paralympics? A: Walking! Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A: A hooker can wash her old, used crack and resell it! Q: Why aren't there any Geordies on the Starship Enterprise? A: Because they don't work in the future either. Q: What's the definition of a Stevenage virgin? A: An ugly eight year old. Q: Why did the Scotsman cross the road? A: To pass out on the other side. Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to change it and one to suck my cock. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it. Q: What is the hardest part to eat of a vegetable? A: The wheelchair. Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin around a vagina? A: A woman. Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? A: Well-hung! Q: What is the leading cause of death among lesbians? A: Hairballs. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne? A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen. Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass. Q: What do the gynecologist and the Pizza delivery man have in common? A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A: The cake jumps out of the girl. Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants? A: Michael Jackson's hand. ******************************************************** NOOWWWWWW I Understand!!!....... Dumb man + smart woman = affair Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage. ******************************************************************** A man's driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police. A policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?". "Why?" asks the man,"have I got a fat bird in my car" ********************************************* A woman has three daughters who get married. She asks them to write to her in two words to describe their happiness. First daughter gets married and after three days the woman gets a note. It reads 'Maxwell House'. The woman was confused but then read an advert in the paper for Maxwell House coffee reading: "Satisfaction guaranteed". So the woman was happy for her daughter. Second daughter gets married and after seven days the woman gets a note. It reads 'Rothmans Cigarettes'. The woman was baffled but then read an advert in the paper reading "Lifetime, King-size". So the mother was very happy that her daughter had married well. Third daughter gets married, but the woman is worried, it's been four weeks and no word. Finally, on the fifth week the woman gets a note. It reads "British Airways". So then mum rushed to read an advert about BA, and shock, horror! She faints. The advert read: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways". ************************************************* BABY CHICKEN A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room complaining of abdominal pains. During an examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside, they found the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she inserted the chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby. INNER SKELETON A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body. FEMALE SOFA A 500lb woman from Illinois was examined in hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. OUCH! A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. BLIND DRUNK A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out half way, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. GROWING SEASON An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vinesgrowing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out. ************************************************ |
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