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"To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems."
-- Homer Simpson

And God said: Let there be vodka! And He saw that it was good. Then God said: Let there be light! And then He said: Whoa - too much light.

Dough, the stuff, that buys my beer, Ray, the guy that tends the bar, Me, the guy, who drinks my beer, Far, the distance to the bar, So, I think I'll have a beer, La, Laa lAA lAh LaH LAA LAAAH! Tea, no thanks I want a beer, which brings us back to Dough Dough Dough!

Fear not my insanity, fear the mind it protects.

If the opposite of con is pro, then is congress the opposite of progress?

"I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch."
-- Drew Carey

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, but nothing compares to that warm, fuzzy feeling you get from solid mediocrity."
--Phil Lustri

"Reality continues to ruin my life."
-- Calvin and Hobbes

"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried."
-- Mae West

It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber.

We've got the best government money can buy. Think about that for awhile.

Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who just broke out of prison? A small medium at large!

I earn a seven figure salary, unfortunately there is a decimal point involved.

To err is human; to moo, bovine.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

When in doubt, mumble.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

"Grant me the stubbornness to change what I can, the laziness to accept what I cannot, and enough beer to sit around and endlessly discuss the difference between the two."
-- Dick Dun

"Bother," said Pooh, "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock phasers on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three. Christopher Robin, you have the bridge."

I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be ...ooooh donuts!

Boldly going nowhere

"We've secretly switched the dilithium crystals with new Folger's Crystals... let's watch what happens."

Tired of your clothes sticking to you like glue? Use static stopper for klingons!

I can bend minds with my spoon.

Be fruit fly and multiple.

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
-- Gloria Steinem

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

There are easier things in life than finding a good nailing jello to a tree, for instance.

Thank you for not annoying me more than you do.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.

We've been through so much together and most of it was your fault.

Someday we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Sometimes I worry about you (the rest of the time I panic)

Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they aren't out to get you.

America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top.

Sure, when... - OINK FLAP OINK FLAP - Well I'll be darned!

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Where are we going and what am I doing in this handbasket?

Top 10 reasons to procrastinate: 1

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.