If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.

There are two secrets for success: 1. Don't reveal all your secrets

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.

On the road of life, there are windshields and there are bugsplats.

On the other hand, Rome was burned in a day.

Common Sense Isn't.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Remember, it's the thought that counts. Think money.

Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.

Remember folks: stoplights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Life's short and hard, kind of like a bodybuilding elf.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

It is as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

The ultimate reason is "because."

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.

Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

A short cut is the longest distance between two points.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Old age is inevitable; growing up is optional.

When in doubt, mumble.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

You are never going to fail unless you try.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Semper Ubi Sub Ubi - Always wear Underwear.

Don't go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-- Erma Bombeck

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-- Mark Twain

Never lick a self-adhesive stamp.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

I need not suffer in silence when I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If it's stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Bend the facts to fit the conclusion. It's easier that way.

Avoid cliches like the plague.