"I hate quotations."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"How's he gonna read that magazine rolled up like that? What the ..."
-- a fly.

"Sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here"
-- Jack Nicholson 'As Good As It Gets'

"Sincerity is the key. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
-- George Burns

"A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought."
-- Lord Peter Wimsey

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know."
-- Mark Twain

"Them's mean streets if you're a wiener dog in a cardigan."
-- Norm MacDonald

"One day it struck me that it's just not right that we eat certain animals, yet treat others as pets. And THAT'S when I invented Kitten McNuggets."
-- Jack Handy

"Ever wonder if the light goes out when you close the fridge door? Well, yes it does."
-- the milk

"For the next 60 seconds, I will conduct a test of my emergency broadcast equipment. AAAAHHHHH!!! Had this been a real emergency, the scream you just heard would be followed by lots more just like it. This concludes My test of my emergency broadcast equipment."
-- Calvin, 'Calvin & Hobbes.'

"If you could go back in time, would you give Hitler a wedgie?"
-- Jesse Garon

"I always get screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe. I'm the system's bitch."
-- Drew Carey

"If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy."
-- Norm MacDonald

"There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them."
-- Dave Barry

"Happiness is a warm puppy."
-- Charles Schultz (1922-2000)

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
-- Lily Tomlin

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
-- Groucho Marx

" "
-- Marcel Marceau

"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
-- Dr Who

"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
-- Dr. Who

"Thus, the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine millimeter bullet."
--Dave Barry

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, but nothing compares to that warm, fuzzy feeling you get from solid mediocrity."
--Phil Lustri

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."
-- Albert Einstein

"When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm even better."
-- Mae West

I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said.
-- William Buckley, Jr.

"These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity the sound achieved by the pig."
-- Alfred Hitchcock

"I found out why cats drink our of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?"
--Wendy Liebman

"While in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know..."
-- Oscar Wilde

"Adults are obsolete children."
-- Dr. Seuss

"Reality continues to ruin my life."
-- Calvin and Hobbes

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
-- Mark Twain

"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried."
-- Mae West

"I'm a little obsessive about grammar. I always thought the band should be called The Whom."
-- Scott Roeben

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."
-- Mark Twain

"A tortoise-shell cat having a fit in a platter of tomatoes."
-- Mark Twain On a painting by Turner