I am nobody. Nobody's perfect, therefore I am perfect.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.

Reality shows tell me what my life would be like if it were run by writers not smart enough to make movies.

America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top.

The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the Universe is that it hasn't tried to contact us.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

I have not failed. I have just found ten thousand ways that will not work.

I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.

I think, therefore, I'm single.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

I'm prepared for all emergencies. But I'm totally unprepared for everyday life.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.