steven wright-isms(and some stuff that vaguely resembles steven wright-isms)

New stuff in Bold.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I lost a button hole today.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I used to be indescisive, now i'm not so sure...

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings ... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

Ever try to Scotch-guard a sponge?

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors.

I'm paranoid... I tried to join Paranoids Anonymous. They wouldn't let me know where the meetings were.

I was raised by a pack of wild corn dogs.

The former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina, so clearly their children were called Tsardines.

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road when one of them was assaulted?

I was an unwanted child - my parents gave me plastic bags to play with.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

Would you drive a mime nuts if you played a blank audio tape at full blast?

I started out as an unwanted child, now i'm wanted in 10 states.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would just stay right up there. Hunters would get all confused.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.