My life is a mess. A typical day for me is a jumble of thoughts, images, words and memories. My mind can never stay on one subject for long, therefore, this statement will probably go unfinished. As I am writing this I am sitting in my Theories of Communication class. I realize I should be paying attention but I can’t. No matter how hard I try, I can’t pay attention for more than 5 minutes at a time. I do a lot of thinking while driving and my thoughts change subject more frequently than I change the CD’s while driving. I can at times lose my train of thought, actually quite frequently. As just now I was about to write something else, but just completely forgot. As you can probably tell from this writing I also jump around in my thoughts, as I just mentioned. I am just writing these thoughts as they come to me. In high school, I can remember, my favorite part being the bus ride to and from school (about 45 minutes each way). It was at these times I would stare out the window and daydream the whole trip. I never really had anyone to talk to on the bus because I am rather quiet and shy. It’s always been difficult for me to make friends, though the few friends I have are very close to me.

My class before this, Storymaking, is extremely difficult for me. When I originally registered for the class I thought I’d enjoy it because I am creative and I thought it would be easy to dream up stories because I daydream so much. But it is hell for me to put my thoughts into words, let alone come up with these ideas when required to do so -- forced creativity isn’t my forte. Many things through my life have been instinctual. It sounds crazy (and at times I think I’m crazy because of it), but I’ve always had a little voice inside me telling me what’s right, pointing me in the right direction. No, I don’t literally hear voices.

Two major examples in my life are trips I have taken as a result of being guided by these instincts. One example is my trip to Washington, D.C. senior year of high school. I went through the Close Up program, which educates about the government and politics. I have absolutely NO interest in either of these subjects, but I knew I wanted, even needed to go on this trip. So I signed up. For weeks before the trip I worried if I should be going, if I was wasting my money. Another of my traits -- needless worrying. I LOVED D.C. I want to go back. I knew I did the right thing. I just wanted to stay longer. My other trip was last year: I went to England for the fall semester. Here’s the time line:
Fall 97 -- I decided I’d like to go to England. I’m still not sure why I chose there -- maybe because it was in the news so much at the time. Anyway, I started researching my options. I finally found the one at GVSU and decided to apply. But they have 2 exchange programs in England -- Derby and Kingston. At first I thought Kingston, because it’s so close to London.
January 98 -- I applied for the placement. At the last minute I almost changed my mind and applied to Derby, but fortunately I didn’t.
March 98 -- I received my acceptance letter. Before this I never even mentioned to more than 2 people that I had applied for this, let alone my parents, because I knew they’d be like “sure, right, okay.” They wouldn’t believe me. So many times in my life I have said I’m going to do something and not followed through so I knew if I told my parents they’d think it was one of those times. But then I had the acceptance letter to prove it but they were still like “sure, right, okay.”
April 98 -- I began thinking “Did I do the right thing?” There’s that needless worrying again.
Summer 98 -- I began preparing for the trip: buying clothes, airline tickets, etc. The idea, as time went on, became more natural. By the end of the summer, a week or so before I left one of my friends asked me if I was scared. But my answer was a definite “No.” For as long as I can remember I had wanted to study abroad, so it finally seemed natural for me to go.
Fall 98 -- The short summary: I loved London and am so glad that I chose Kingston University.

While I was there, though, some of my problems worsened. I could not concentrate at all. I would try to actually READ my assignments -- something I have never really done. I can’t remember EVER reading all the assigned material for any class in all my schooling -- grade school, high school, or college. I don’t think I’ve ever even read half of it. But for once I was actually trying to read the material. For the life of me, I couldn’t do it. I would sit down at the desk in my room and try to read. I’d have the radio playing quietly. Then I’d get distracted by the radio so I’d turn it off. Next I’d get distracted by the traffic outside or the neighbor’s dog barking, so I’d turn the radio back on. I’d start reading again then see a messy stack of papers on the other side of the room. I’d go straighten those and whatever else was messy in my room. Then I’d go get the book off my desk and sit (or lay) on my bed and try to read. Soon I’d get distracted and pick up a magazine and flip through it and forget about my homework.

All this would happen in the course of about 5 to 10 minutes. And this happened all the time! Still does. I never get more than a page or 2 into a reading before I get distracted and I usually don’t remember what I had just read.

I zone out all the time. The worst is when a friend is talking to me about a problem or something serious that has happened or is going to happen. It is absolutely the worst feeling. I always feel so guilty. I always catch myself after a couple seconds and literally tell myself “Pay attention. LISTEN!” But I can’t control it. I can zone out anytime, anywhere. While writing this I have zoned out, I don’t know how many times. I get distracted by anything -- someone setting down a pop can on the other side of the room, someone turning a page in a book, someone sifting through their backpack.

But there are other times when I can completely ignore anything else going on around me. One of those times is when I’m on the Internet. I’ll have loud music playing and completely ignore that. Maybe because the Internet has so much interaction and distraction in itself. I always have at least 2 windows open, usually 3 or 4, though. Sometimes I also have a game of Solitaire or FreeCell going, too, because I am too impatient to wait for the pages to load. Many times I can look like I am paying attention, some of these time I even hear what’s being said, i.e. in class, but most of the time it doesn’t sink in. I will have absolutely no idea what has just been said. But I can look like I’m paying attention, though.