Narrator:  It’s a cool spring day.  The sky is starting to fill
    with dark angry clouds.  There is a stray drop of water on a
    leaf from a stream.  An average housefly drinking from the
    drop, stops, looks up and says:
Fly:  Who are you calling average?!?  Just because I can’t see
    you doesn’t mean that I can’t hurt you!
Narrator:  Okay, sorry.  An angrier than average housefly . . .
    Is that better?
Fly:  Yes.  Thank you very much.
Narrator:  Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely
    interrupted, this fly is drinking when he begins to notice
    the clouds in the distance.
<Thunder crashes>
Fly:  Uh-oh.  I had better find a house before it starts to rain.
Narrator:  The fly starts, well, flying because that’s what flies
    do.  Fly.  Ha.
Fly:  No one thinks you’re funny, so get off it.
Narrator:  Yeah, thanks for your input.
Fly:  No problem.
Narrator:  Where was I?  Oh.  The  fly is soaring above the trees
    until he notices down below him:
Fly:  Those people look so small.  Just like ants.
Narrator:  He dives down to get a better look.
Fly:  Hey, wait a second, those are ants.  What are they doing
    here?
Narrator:  The fly lands near the ants but the ants don’t even
    notice him.  They just keep scurrying around trying to
    finish what they are doing before the storm hits.
<Thunder crashes>
Narrator:  He tries to get the attention of any ant as it runs
    past.
Fly:  Wait a sec . . . Hold on . . .  Could you  . . .
    Tell me . . .
Narrator:  The fly grabs one of the ants as it runs by.
Ant:  Let me go! I don’t have time for this!
Fly:  Why?  What’s going on?
Ant:  King Hortence is coming.
Fly:  Who the heck is King Hortence?
Ant:  You’ve never heard of King Hortence?
Narrator:  The fly drops the ant but is still holding him by the
    arm.
Fly:  Should I have?
Ant: He’s only the meanest, ugliest and scariest King in all the
    forest.
Fly:  That doesn’t sound pleasant.  Why is he coming?
Ant:  He’s collecting the taxes, but no one can afford them
    because of the taxes we had to pay last month:  half of our
    earnings.  We hardly have enough to survive the winter as it
    is.  If he takes the taxes he will kill us all.
Fly:  Why don’t you just stand up to him?
Ant:  He’s too powerful.  He has an arsenal of pesticides and
    Raid.  Now would you let me go so I can see if I can help?
Fly:  Is there anything I can do?
Ant:  Just get out of here.  He has no power over you.  Leave
    before you get into some real trouble.
Narrator:  The fly lets the ant go and the ant scurries off into
    the crowd.
Fly:  Is there anything I can do to help?
Narrator:  I don’t know.  I didn’t write this story, I just read
    it.
Fly:  That’s a big help. . . . What can I do?
Entity from above:  The story is not written yet.  Use your head
    to think of something to do.
Fly:  Are you trying to throw your voice again, Narrator?  It
    wasn’t funny the last time.  Remember?  I almost ended up on
    the windshield of that Camaro.
Narrator:  Nope, I had absolutely nothing to do with it this
    time.  I swear!
Fly:  Well, all right then.  But what can I do?
Narrator:  The Entity said to use your head.
Fly:  Yeah, but what did she mean by that?
Narrator:  I don’t know.
Fly:  Oh, you’re a big help!
Narrator: Well, like I said I don’t do anything except read
    what’s written.
Fly:  That’s right.  You don’t do anything.
Narrator:  Hey, don’t get all pissed off at me.  It’s not my
    fault that that’s all I’m allowed to do.
Entity:  Stop bickering or I’ll take this script to the editor
    and have you guys cut and replaced with fleas!
Fly:  All right, all right.  You don’t have to threaten us.
Narrator:  Yeah!
Fly:  Entity, can’t you help me any more?  “Use your head” is
    kind of vague.
Entity:  Honestly, there isn’t anything more I can tell you.
    Like I said, the script is not yet written so there is
    nothing to tell.  Just follow your instincts and do what you
    think is right.
Fly:  I have to help them.  But how?
<Jeopardy theme plays>
Fly:  I could start a  . . . no that won’t work.
<theme continues>
Fly:  Maybe I could . . . nope.
<theme continues to the end>
Fly:  I got it!
Narrator:  What?!  What are you going to do?
Fly:  I’m not going to tell you.  You can’t do anything about it
    anyway.
Narrator:  Aw, come on.  Tell me.
Fly:  Nope.
Narrator:  Please?  A little hint?
Fly:  There’s nothing little about this!
Narrator:  The fly flies off into the forest at a high rate of
    speed.
<Sirens blare>
Fly:  Shiiiiii . . er, I mean crap!
Narrator:  A tick on a flying motorcycle comes up along side the
    fly.
Tick:  Would you mind pulling over, son?
Narrator:  The fly obliges.
Tick:  Do you know why I pulled you over?
Fly:  I was speeding, right, officer?
Tick:  That is correct.  You were flying at the alarming rate of
    1 mile per hour.  Everyone knows that the speed limit is
    half a mile per hour.  Where are you off to in such a hurry?
Fly:  I need to help the poor ants.  King Hortence is coming
    today to collect the taxes that they can’t afford to pay.
Tick:  Yeah, I heard about that.  He’s such a jerk, picking on
    those poor ants.  But what can you do to help them?
Fly:  Well, nothing if you don’t let me go.
Tick:  Oh, yeah, right.  I’ll let you go this time, but next time
    I might not be so lenient.
Fly:  Yes, sir.
Tick:  Before you go, is there anything I can do to help?
Fly:  Now that you mention it.  I could use some help.
Tick:  What do you want me to do?
Fly:  Well, first I need you to . . .
Narrator:  Fly whispers in the tick’s ear. . . . hey wait a
    second, ticks don’t have ears, do they?
Entity:  Watch it, Narrator.  You can be replaced.
Narrator:  Okay, but why does the tick get to hear the plan and I
    can’t?
Fly:  Do you mind we’re trying to save the ants here!  Besides
    you can’t do anything anyway.  Remember, you can only read.
Narrator:  But, I want . . .
Entity:  Editor!
Narrator:  Shutting up.
Fly:  Thanks, Entity.
Entity: No problem.
Fly:  Do you think that my plan will work?
Tick:  I sure hope so, for the ants’ sake.
Fly:  Me, too.
Narrator:  The fly hops on the back of the tick’s motorcycle and
     they go speeding through the forest at a dangerous two
     miles per hour.  Soon they come to the bees hive.
<Ominous music>
Tick:  Are you sure about this?
Fly:  No, but it’s our only hope.
Tick:  Oh, I feel safe.
Fly:  If you’re sacred, then . . .
Tick:  I’m not scared.
Fly:  Then stop whining.
Narrator:  They drive the motorcycle up to the door and give the
     keys to the valet.  Hey, what kind of script is this?  You
     expect me to believe . . .
Entity:  Editor!
Narrator:  As I was saying, the valet takes the motorcycle and
     our little friends go inside.  As they walk inside the
     huge doors, they hear a shrill from the other end of the
     long corridor.
Tick:  I’m not going down there.
Narrator:  The tick turns to leave, but the fly grabs his arm.
Fly:  Oh, no, you don’t.
Tick:  Do you think there could be Lionfleas?
Fly:  No.
Tick:  How about Tigerflies?
Narrator:  And Bearbugs?
Fly:  Oh, my!
Tick:  Lionfleas.
Narrator:  And Tigerflies.
Fly: And Bearbugs!
All:  Oh, my!
Tick:  Lionfleas.
Narrator:  And Tigerflies.
Fly: And Bearbugs!
All:  Oh, my!  Lionfleas and Tigerflies and Bearbugs.  Oh, my!
Narrator:  Suddenly a huge bee flies out of no where and cackles.
     The bee lands in front of the tick and fly, who recoil in
     fear.  Wimps!
Bee:  What can I do for you fine folks today?
Fly:  We need help.  The ants are in trouble.
Bee:  Yes, I heard about that.  It really is a shame.  Is there
     any way I can be of assistance?
Tick:  Well, since you asked we would like you to . . .
Narrator:  Again with the whispering in the ear.  Bugs don’t have
     ears!
Fly:  Touchy, touchy.  You’ll see what’s going to happen soon
     enough.
Narrator:  All right.  The bee, accompanied by the fly and tick,
     continue down the long corridor to the arena at the other
     end where a huge crowd of bees is gathered.  The bee walks
     through the crowd up to a small stage in the center.  The
     bee addresses the crowd.
Bee:  My fellow hive-dwellers, lend me your ear.
Narrator:  Bugs don’t have ears!!!
Bee:  Ignore that.  My fellow hive-dwellers, it has been brought
     to my attention that our neighbors the ants are in a bit of
     a pickle.
Random Bee:  I thought they lived in a hill?
<Sounds of agreement from the crowd>
Bee: You’re missing the point!  They are in trouble.  King
     Hortence is coming take their last bit of food.  Without our
     help they will starve to death.
Another Random Bee:  Why should we care?  They never help us with
     anything.
<More agreement in the crowd>
Bee:  You should care because if the ants die because of lack of
     food you can be sure King Hortence is going to come after us
     next.
Random Bee:  But he can’t do that to us!
Bee:  He’s not supposed to do that to the ants either but that
     doesn’t stop him.  My fellow bee-lings, this should not have
     gone on this long.  It must stop now!  Who’s willing to
     help?
Narrator:  One by one the bees start hovering in the arena.
Bee:  All right!  Let’s go!
Narrator:  The swarm, led by the tick and fly on the motorcycle,
     and the bee head toward the anthill.  So what are you guys
     going to do?
Fly:  You’ll see.
Narrator:  The narrator screams.  Ugh!!!
Entity:  Pipe down!
Narrator:  Soon the bees arrive back at the anthill.  The ants
     are nowhere to be found.  What happened to them?
Fly:  I don’t know.  I hope we’re not too late.
Tick:  Look, there!
Narrator:  The tick points at a small mushroom on the edge of the
     clearing.  There are 3 ants under it dressed in armor and
     armed to the teeth with whiteout.
Tick:  What are they going to do with that?
Fly:  I have no idea.
Narrator:  The bee flies over to the ants.
Bee:  What the heck are you going to do with that?
Narrator:  Startled, the ants whip out the brushes in the
    whiteout  and begin waving the brushes around splattering
    whiteout everywhere.
Tick:  Ah, so that’s their line of defense.
Fly:  They really are in trouble.
Bee:  What the darned heck do you think you’re doing?
Ant #1:  The label said it would eliminate problems quickly and
     easily.
Ant #2:  And it dries 25% quicker than the leading brand!  See?
     It say so right here.
Bee:  I’m sure it does.
Ant #3:  And it smells good, too.
Narrator:  Ant #3 keels over and dies.  A good lesson to all you
     kids at home:  Never sniff whiteout.  That’s what glue is
     for.
Entity:  Watch it, Narrator!
Narrator:  Yes, ma’am.
Bee:  Where is the Queen?
Ant #1:  She’s in the hill, I believe.
Bee:  Thank you.
Tick:  What do you want me to do?
Bee:  Keep an eye on them.  They might hurt themselves.
Narrator:  The tick salutes and marches toward the ants.
Fly:  And me?
Bee: Come with me to see the Queen.  The rest of you keep watch
     over the hill.  Let me know immediately if anything
     suspicious happens.
Narrator:  The bee and the fly go into the hill.  Once inside the
     bee yells:
Bee:  Is there anyone here who can take me to the Queen?
Ant:  Who wants to know?
Fly:  That’s the ant I talked to this morning.
Bee:  I have come with my swarm to help you defeat King Hortence.
Ant:  Then follow me.
Narrator:  The bee and fly are led down a long winding corridor.
     When they reach the end of it the ant says:
Ant:  Wait here. I will announce you.
Narrator:  The ant leaves.
<Conga music plays>
Fly:  What is that annoying music?
Bee:  I don’t know but it’s kind of catchy.
Ant:  The Queen will see you now.
Narrator:  They all walk into the room.
Queen:  So you say you have come here to help.   What possibly
     could you do?
Narrator:  A soldier bee comes rushing into the room.
Soldier Bee:  Sir, the King is coming.
Bee:  Queen, please trust me.  Fly, come on.  It’s show time.
Narrator:  But I want Cinemax or HBO.
Fly:  That wasn’t very funny.
Narrator:  Hey, I don’t write this stuff I just read it.  Anyway,
     the fly and bees rush outside where the ants are preparing
     their whiteout.
Bee:  Is everyone ready?
<Swarm of bees cheer>
Bee:  Let’s do it.
Narrator:  Just as King Hortence is about to land with his
     bodyguards, the King sees the swarm of bees and is not
     pleased.
King:  You ants have destroyed our sacred trust.  Troops,
     attack!
Narrator:  Out of nowhere the troops descend on the swarm.
Bee:  Swarm, wait for it.
Narrator:  They’re attacking, you idiot!  What are you waiting
     for?
Bee:  You’ll see!
Narrator:  When?  I’ve been waiting forever.
Bee:  Now!
Narrator:  The swarm of bees reveal their secret weapon--
     pollen.  Ah, so that’s what you guys have been up to.
Fly:  You like?
Narrator:  I do! I do!  The bees start shooting the pollen at the
     troops.  The troops begin sneezing uncontrollably.
General:  Ahh . . . ahh . . . ahh.  <sneeze>  Re . . . <sneeze>
     Re . . .  <sneeze>  Retreat  <sneeze>  <sneeze>  <sneeze>
Narrator:  That was so cool!
Bee:  It’s not over, yet.
King:  You’re right, Bee.  It’s not!
Narrator:  The King pulls out his Light Saber.
King:  Engarde!
Bee:  No kidding!
Narrator:  The bee pulls out his Death Ray, which is just another
     brand name for the Light Saber.  It’s over priced if you ask
     me.
King and Bee:  We didn’t!
Narrator:  Anyway, the match is pretty even until the King trips
     the bee and has him in a death lock on the ground.
Entity:  This isn’t how it’s supposed to go.
King:  Tough cookies, girl!
Entity:  That’s it.  Editor, come here.  Now!
Editor:  What can I do for you ma’am?
Entity:  Get the King!
King:  You can’t do that!
Entity:  I’m the Entity.  I can do anything I want.
<Sound of crowds agreeing>
Entity:  Bye, Kingy.
Narrator:  The King disappears as though he was never there.
<Everyone cheers>
Narrator:  Does this mean we have to go back and change the whole
     story, Entity?
Entity:  Nope.
Narrator:  Why not?
Entity:  I’m the Entity.  I can do anything I want.
<Sound of crowds agreeing>
Fly: Deja vu.
Entity: Copy and paste, it’s the wave of the future.
Tick:  Entity, who are you, anyway?
Entity:  The writer.
Narrator:  And you didn’t know what was going to happen in this
     story.
Entity:  Not a clue.
Fly:  What kind of writer are you?
Entity:  Oh, editor!
Narrator:  A good one.
Tick: Oh, yes.
Fly: Definitely.
<Triumphant music then fade out>

The end!!!

Thank you for reading this. Please send me feedback.

Back to stories!