"Barney Visits Redwall"
(Scene: A mole and a squirrel dibbun are outside Redwall Abbey playing with Basil Stag Hare. They are heading back inside when the big purple dinosaur, Barney, comes up to them.)
Barney: "Hi! I'm Barney!"
Mole dibbun: "Oi's askered of 'im, meester Basil!"
Squirrel dibbun: "Me too! Me too! What is it Basil?"
Barney: "Awww, there's no need to be afraid of me. Friends don't hurt friends and to prove it let's all hug!"
(Barney moves towards them arms outstretched.)
(Basil motions the dibbuns to go inside. They do so frantically. Basil turns on Barney.)
Basil: "I dunno what you are, laddie buck, but you best be moving on! We don't take kindly to purple blighters scaring our young 'uns."
Barney: "Uh oh, I think someone needs a nap! But I have an idea! Why don't you and I sing together? It'll be super-dee-duper! Come on now!" (starts to sing) "I love you, you love me, we're a happy..."
Basil: "I say, let me 'ave a go. Though mine's more of a poem. (clears throat) There once was a purple chap, who would'nt leave though he was told, so our dear, beloved, Basil, punched the chappie right in the nose!"
(Basil punches Barney in the nose causing it to bleed.)
Barney (holding his nose): "Ow! By Node, you hid be in by node! Dat's not nide to do!"
(Matthias armed with Martins sword and followed by Constance, come rushing out of the Abbey to stand by Basil.)
Matthias: "What's goin' on, Basil?"
Basil: "This here purple chappie, Barfie-whats-his-name, scares our little dibbuns then I asks him to leave and well, flop me ears if the chap's still here."
Barney: "Super-dee-duper! The bleedings stopped. Saaaay, How about we play doctor? The bunny can be the doctor, the badger his nurse and the mouse can be the doctors assistant. Doesn't that sound like fun?"
Matthias (to Basil): "I see what you mean."
Constance: "Right! We've had enough of your foolishness, off with you now!"
Barney: "Awwwww, I think we all need to do a group hug!"
(Barney moves towards them arms outstretched. Matthias steps foreward and swings Martins sword, slicing off Barneys right hand.)
Barney: "OW! MY HAND! MY HAND!"
(Constance picks up Barney by the tail and swings him around and around over her head.)
Barney: "Stoooooop! I'm gooooiiinng toooo beee siiiiccckk!!!"
Constance flings him against the Abbey wall, killing Barney.)
Basil: "Well, I'm glad that's over! Thanks, old gel!"
Constance: "Let's get inside, I hope there's no more where he came from."
(They all go back inside Redwall Abbey. A moment later two figures are walking down the road towards it,they are singing and look like two huge bananas.)
Banana 1 and Banana 2 singing: "We're bananas in pajamas, walking 'round in pairs, bananas in pajamas are going down the stairs. Banana..."
(They stop in front of Redwall)
Banana 1: "Do you see what I see, B2?"
Banana 2: "Indeed I do, B1! What a nice little abbey! Shall we knock on the door?"
Banana 1 (spots Barneys body at bottom of wall): "I don't think so, B2. Look, there's our mate, Barney."
Banana 2: "Why..why, he's dead, B1!"
Banana 1: "They either left him out here to die or killed him themselves. C'mon, B2. Let's be good bananas and split!"
Banana 1: "Good thinking, B1! We'll be good bananas! I'm jolly good at being a good banana!"
(The two bananas hurry on past Redwall Abbey.)
The End
©1998 Stephany White aka Shadoe Hare. Not to be used without permission.