LAUGHING MATTERS  

A brieving old woman who was a miser had just lost her husband. She went to the local newspaper to place the obituary. Trying to save money she kept to the smallest amount of words. "Tom Died". "I'm sorry but you'll still get charged for the minimum five words," said the receptionist. After completing for a few moments the old woman wrote "Tom Died - Volvo for sale".
 
 

John, a new driver had just been stopped for speeding. The policeman got out of the patrol car and strolled up to the young offender. John rolled down the window and looked up at the policeman. "Aye son, we've been waiting for you all day", said the policeman as he took out his notebook. "Well I came as quick as I could," retorted John.
 
 

A newspaper carried the following ad in its Lost and Found columns: 'Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value'.
 
 

"A man lost fifty pence this morning in the high street," said Bob to a friend, "and I couldn't move until crowd dispersed". "Why couldn't you move?" asked the friend.
"Well, said Bob, "I didn't want to take my foot off the fifty pence piece".
 
 
 
Two tramps got involved in a brawl. The police soon arrived and they were arrested. On Monday morning they appeared before the magistrate. "What is your address," bawled the magistrate to the first one. "I have no fixed abode, Sir," he replied. "And you?" asked the magistrate facing the second man. "I live next door to him," he replied.