LAUGHING MATTERS

The candidate knocked on the householder's door and asked for his vote because the government was filled with corruption and wastefulness. "And you want to fight it?" Asked the householder.
"No, of course not," said the candidate. "I want to be part of it."

The office boy got his tie stuck in the fax machine. Next thing he knew he was in New York.

How to make a good speech at a the police conference: Start with an arresting beginning, an appropriate sentence for the middle and a swift ending spoken with conviction.

The caretaker was cleaning the church when he found an empty burger carton under the pews. He quickly went to the vicar and suggested that he should cut down the length of his sermons. "Why?" Asked the vicar surprised. "Because," said the caretaker, showing him the empty box, "people are starting to bring in their lunch."

The trouble with most sound advice is that it's 99% sound and fi % advice.

A motorist who had his car stolen twice finally bought a banger and fitted a safety lock. A week later thieves stole the lock but left his car.

One of the nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever we are doing and devote our attention to eating.

Two men we discussing the problems of henpecked husbands. "I am the boss in my house," said one, "last night there was no hot water, so I put my foot down and believe me I got hot water and quick!" After a sigh he continued, "I hate washing up in cold water, don't you?"