A.
KAYS
The
Widow's Iddah
Whether one loses a life partner
through death or divorce, the effects are equally shattering. The
suffering becomes worse for a woman, especially during the
"prescribed period" or "waiting period"
called "Iddah" in the Holy Qur'an.
Havoc is created in the lives of
these helpless women, disturbing them mentally and unbalancing
their social and economic lifestyle. This happens when they are
bombarded with old-wives' tales and so-called "Fatwas"
(religious decrees and opinions) by relatives and friends who
tell them; what they should or should not do during Iddah. Then
what passes for "rules of Iddah" are rituals taken
mostly from Brahamanic Hindu customs. There is nothing Islamic
about them.
In contrast, the Quranic Iddah
Process is consoling, remedial and a much-needed psychological
therapy during the stressful time.
Take a typical case: A family from
Natal was moving temporarily in the Transvaal. The husband died.
The widow was given a "Fatwa" to return to Natal, 500
km away, before sunset as her Iddah had begun! Nobody cared that
she was incapable of removing her household contents and did not
have the means, or of obtaining admission for her children in
Natal schools, or of resettling her family life! Could Islam be
so unreasonable, so cruel to a simple widow and innocent
children?
Our research also revealed the
following (varying with different ethnic groups):
l. Removing widow's bangles, rings and
other jewellery.
2. Dressing her in plain white
garments.
3. Sitting in mourning in a corner of a
floor.
4. Not moving out of the house
(actually not to be in the sun).
5. Shying away from all adult males of
family friends.
6. Gifting of new garments by relatives
who must then bathe and dress her.
7. Goading the widow into wasting her
money (at times forced to borrow it on interest) to mark seven
days, forty days, anniversaries etc. to feed the overfed as
so-called "act of blessing" for the dead.
Such "Iddah rites"
including "Iddah baths" were not advocated nor
practised during the times of the Prophet Muhammad, or his
successors, or his revered companions. Compulsory ablutions too
are very personal and public indulgence in it is vulgarity.
Qur'anic commands
("Ahkaam", clear-cut do's and don'ts) are filled with
"Hikmah" (Divine Wisdom) for the good of Mankind.
Defying them means committing grave sins, as well as harming
society. Surah 2:222, 228 to 237; 65:1 to 7 deal with Iddah.
Principally, Iddah does not apply to men, apparently because of
their physiological/biological difference
(pregnancy factor). But any God-fearing man would suffer anguish
during this difficult period.
Widow's Iddah: Four months and ten
days (a month and ten days more than a divorcee's) before a widow
can marry. Almighty Allah knows best His Hikmah. We could only
infer that a widow's situation is not like a divorcee's who
stands a chance of regaining happiness with her husband. But
alas! the widow's husband is beyond her reach.
Therefore, it would take her much
longer to recover from grief. Added to this pain, she may be
burdened with problems of providing food, shelter, body and
health care, or the fear of pregnancy and thus being helpless
without a caring husband. Such a distressed widow is likely to
take hasty and risky decisions or she could be easily deceived.
So the widow's (and divorcee's) salvation lies in reflection,
spiritual guidance: Prayers, meditation, zikr, fasting, good
deeds and charity, thereby seeking nearness to the Creator, and
continually pleading for His guidance. This could be the ideal
Iddah process. Even the affected male
needs such spiritual cleansing, to overcome the trying period.
Behaviour of the Bereaved: Muslims
are expected to bear grief in a subdued manner; not to cry out
loudly, not to be miserable, nor frivolous. And to bear suffering
patiently. Muslims should be the ones who bear things grief
patiently.
Controlled behaviour in no way means
that one should be shabby and grim-faced all the time. Life must
go on!
If, however, the woman displays
immodest behaviour, she will appear hardhearted, since the world
judges a book by its cover! And no decent man will be attracted
to her.
Of course, beauty and wealth will
attract men like buzzing bees after honey, but such suitors will
not be after her for herself. They could become her nightmares!
(The same caution applies to men).
Thus, to protect her from making
emotional decisions too soon, Iddah prevents her from finalising
a marriage proposal. Suitors, though, are allowed to hint in a
guarded manner their interest in her, but not to propose formally
(Surah 2:235).