A. KAYS

The Widow's Iddah

Whether one loses a life partner through death or divorce, the effects are equally shattering. The suffering becomes worse for a woman, especially during the "prescribed period" or "waiting period" called "Iddah" in the Holy Qur'an.

Havoc is created in the lives of these helpless women, disturbing them mentally and unbalancing their social and economic lifestyle. This happens when they are bombarded with old-wives' tales and so-called "Fatwas" (religious decrees and opinions) by relatives and friends who tell them; what they should or should not do during Iddah. Then what passes for "rules of Iddah" are rituals taken mostly from Brahamanic Hindu customs. There is nothing Islamic about them.

In contrast, the Quranic Iddah Process is consoling, remedial and a much-needed psychological therapy during the stressful time.

Take a typical case: A family from Natal was moving temporarily in the Transvaal. The husband died. The widow was given a "Fatwa" to return to Natal, 500 km away, before sunset as her Iddah had begun! Nobody cared that she was incapable of removing her household contents and did not have the means, or of obtaining admission for her children in Natal schools, or of resettling her family life! Could Islam be so unreasonable, so cruel to a simple widow and innocent children?

Our research also revealed the following (varying with different ethnic groups):
l. Removing widow's bangles, rings and other jewellery.
2. Dressing her in plain white garments.
3. Sitting in mourning in a corner of a floor.
4. Not moving out of the house (actually not to be in the sun).
5. Shying away from all adult males of family friends.
6. Gifting of new garments by relatives who must then bathe and dress her.
7. Goading the widow into wasting her money (at times forced to borrow it on interest) to mark seven days, forty days, anniversaries etc. to feed the overfed as so-called "act of blessing" for the dead.

Such "Iddah rites" including "Iddah baths" were not advocated nor practised during the times of the Prophet Muhammad, or his successors, or his revered companions. Compulsory ablutions too are very personal and public indulgence in it is vulgarity.

Qur'anic commands ("Ahkaam", clear-cut do's and don'ts) are filled with "Hikmah" (Divine Wisdom) for the good of Mankind. Defying them means committing grave sins, as well as harming society. Surah 2:222, 228 to 237; 65:1 to 7 deal with Iddah. Principally, Iddah does not apply to men, apparently because of their physiological/biological difference (pregnancy factor). But any God-fearing man would suffer anguish during this difficult period.

Widow's Iddah: Four months and ten days (a month and ten days more than a divorcee's) before a widow can marry. Almighty Allah knows best His Hikmah. We could only infer that a widow's situation is not like a divorcee's who stands a chance of regaining happiness with her husband. But alas! the widow's husband is beyond her reach.

Therefore, it would take her much longer to recover from grief. Added to this pain, she may be burdened with problems of providing food, shelter, body and health care, or the fear of pregnancy and thus being helpless without a caring husband. Such a distressed widow is likely to take hasty and risky decisions or she could be easily deceived. So the widow's (and divorcee's) salvation lies in reflection, spiritual guidance: Prayers, meditation, zikr, fasting, good deeds and charity, thereby seeking nearness to the Creator, and continually pleading for His guidance. This could be the ideal Iddah process. Even the affected male needs such spiritual cleansing, to overcome the trying period.

Behaviour of the Bereaved: Muslims are expected to bear grief in a subdued manner; not to cry out loudly, not to be miserable, nor frivolous. And to bear suffering patiently. Muslims should be the ones who bear things grief patiently.

Controlled behaviour in no way means that one should be shabby and grim-faced all the time. Life must go on!

If, however, the woman displays immodest behaviour, she will appear hardhearted, since the world judges a book by its cover! And no decent man will be attracted to her.

Of course, beauty and wealth will attract men like buzzing bees after honey, but such suitors will not be after her for herself. They could become her nightmares! (The same caution applies to men).

Thus, to protect her from making emotional decisions too soon, Iddah prevents her from finalising a marriage proposal. Suitors, though, are allowed to hint in a guarded manner their interest in her, but not to propose formally (Surah 2:235).