LAUGHING MATTERS

The Italian bandit who robbed a New York bank was apprehended on a busy street by an American police officer a few days later. The officer spoke no Italian and the Italian spoke no English, so a passing Italian was asked to be the interpreter.
The officer poked a gun in the Italian’s belly and said to the interpreter, "Ask him if his name is Mario".
The interpreter said, "He says, yes, he is Mario".
"Ask him if he was in the First National Bank".
The interpreter said, "He says, yes, he was and admits he robbed the bank".
The officer pushed harder on the gun. "Now tell him", he said, "I’m going to pull the trigger if he doesn’t tell me where the money is".
With sweat pouring down his face, the thief stammered in Italian, "Don’t shoot! I’ve got a wife and four kids at home. The money is in the well behind the house".
The interpreter said, "He says you one big mouth. You no scare him! Go ahead and shoot!"
 
 

During a sermon on life after death, the village priest asked all those who wanted to go to heaven to stand up. The whole congregation stood up except for one man. The priest told those who preferred the fires of hell to stand up. No one moved.
Perplexed he turned to the odd man out and asked, "And you? Do you know where you want to go?"
"Nowhere", he replied. "I’m fine where I am."
 
 

A waitress’s boss caught her pocketing 5-pound left at a table by a man who bought beer and a sandwich.
"What do you think you’re doing?" he yelped.
"Fancy that!" the waitress calmly replied. "A man comes in, has a beer and a sandwich, doesn’t pay the bill and then leaves me a 5 pound tip".