Season 1
JOEY: (TO ROSS) Hey! Here's
the birthday boy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins,
tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you.
CHANDLER: Happy birthday,
pal!
JOEY: We love you, man.
(KISSES HIM)
ROSS: Funny, my birthday
was seven months ago.
JOEY: So?
ROSS: So, I'm guessing
you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring
a date?
CHANDLER: Well, aren't
we Mr. "The glass is half empty".
Ep. 4 ~TOW George Stephanopoulos~
ROSS: Get him! GET HIM!
Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!
CHANDLER: (TO ROSS) See
buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other
with sticks.
ROSS: Pass it! Pass it!
CHANDLER: He's open!
ALL: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
(THE PLAYER SHOOTS. THE
PUCK FLIES OFF THE RINK AND HITS ROSS IN THE FACE. CHANDLER LOOKS CONCERNED,
UNTIL HE NOTICES...)
CHANDLER: Hey, look, we're
on that TV thing!
(CHANDLER AND JOEY HOLD
UP THE PUCK AND WAVE AT THE TV THING)
Ep. 4 ~TOW George Stephanopoulos~
JOEY: I'm tellin' you Ross,
she wants you.
ROSS: She barely knows
me. We just live in the same building.
CHANDLER: Any contact?
ROSS: She lent me an egg
once.
JOEY: You're in!
ROSS: Aw, right.
HER: Hi, Ross.
ROSS: Hey. [stutters something
incoherent]
CHANDLER: Come on, Ross,
you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening,
your ex-wife is a lesbian--I don't think we need a third...
JOEY: Excuse me, could
we get an egg over here, still in the shell? Thanks.
ROSS: An egg?
JOEY: Yeah, you're gonna
go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg."
CHANDLER: I think it's
winning.
ROSS: I think it's insane.
CHANDLER: She'll love it.
Go with the egg, my friend.
[Ross walks over to the
woman, egg in hand.]
JOEY: Think it'll work?
CHANDLER: No, it's suicide.
The man's got an egg.
Ep. 14 ~TOW The Candy Hearts~
ROSS: I had a dream last
night where I was playing football with my kid.
CHANDLER & JOEY: That's
nice.
ROSS: No, no, with him.
I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do
something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me.
JOEY: Tampa Bay's got a
terrible team.
ROSS: Right, but, it is
just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I
just heave it downfield.
CHANDLER: What are you
crazy? That's a baby!
JOEY: He should take the
sack?
ROSS: Anyway, suddenly
I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him,
right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am
running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not
ready to be a father.
CHANDLER: Hey, you're gonna
be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America.
You're gonna make a great dad.
JOEY: Yeah, Ross. You and
the baby just need better blocking. Oh, have either one of you guys ever
been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?
CHANDLER: Well, only if
you order stuff.
JOEY: I'm takin' Ursula
tonight. It's her birthday.
ROSS: Whoa. What about
Phoebe's birthday?
JOEY: When's that?
ROSS: Tonight.
JOEY: Oh, man. What're
the odds of that happening?
ROSS: You take your time.
CHANDLER: There it is!
So what're you gonna do?
JOEY: What can I do? Look,
I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
CHANDLER: And your friend
Phoebe?
JOEY: Well, if she's my
friend, hopefully she'll understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys?
CHANDLER: Man if you tried
something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end
of a hissy fit.
Ep. 17 ~TOW Two Parts, Part
2~
Ross: Alright boys, let's
eat.
Chandler: Oh, did you get
that from the 'I Love Rachel' pizzeria?
Ross: You still on that?
Chandler: Oh, come on.
What was with that whole Black Bart speech? [mimicking]: When I play poker,
I'm not a nice guy!
Ross: You are way off,
pal.
Joey: No, I don't think
so, see Ross, because I think you love her.
Ross: Um.... no. See, I
might've had feelings for her at one time--not any more. I just--I--
[Marcel makes a screeching
noise in background.]
Ross: Marcel! Where are
you going with that disc?
[Marcel puts a CD in the
player.]
Ross: You are not putting
that on again! Marcel, OK--if you press that button, you are in very, very
big trouble.
['The Lion Sleeps Tonight'
starts to play. Marcel starts to dance.]
Ep. 18 ~TOW All The Poker~
Chandler: I can't believe
we are even having this discussion.
Joey: I agree. I'm, like,
in disbelief.
Chandler: I mean, don't
you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened
already?
Ross: I'm telling you,
she said she's looking for a relationship with someone exactly like me.
Joey: She really said that?
Ross: Well, I added the
'exactly like me' part... But she said she's looking for someone, and someone
is gonna be there tonight.
Joey: 'Tonight' tonight?
Ross: Well, I think it's
perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking
care of my monkey...
Chandler: I can't remember
the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.
Ross: Anyway, I figured
after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try
to woo her.
Chandler: Hey, y'know what
you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase
was last used.
Ep. 19 ~TOW The Monkey
Gets Away~
Season 2
ROSS: I don't know what
to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
CHAN: Oh, I know. This
must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy.
My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.
JOEY: Hey, here's a thought,
Ross. [reaches for the computer]
CHAN: Don't touch the computer.
Don't ever touch the computer.
JOEY: Ross, listen. I got
two words for you. Threesome.
[Ross gives him an insulted
look.]
CHAN: Ok, all right, look.
Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie,
pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts,
and I can use different colors for each column.
ROSS: Can't we just use
a pen?
CHAN: No, Amish boy.
JOEY: Ok, let's start with
the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first.
ROSS: I don't know. I mean,
all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.
JOEY: You could say that.
ROSS: And I guess, you
know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a
little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common
'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.
CHAN: Waitress. Got it.
You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?
ROSS: I don't know.
JOEY: Oh, her ankles are
a little chubby.
CHAN: Ok, let's do Julie.
What's wrong with her?
ROSS: [long pause] She's
not Rachel.
Ep. 8 ~TOW The List~
CHANDLER: Joey?
JOEY: Ma?
CHANDLER: Joey!
JOEY: Chandler? What're
you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.
CHANDLER: Oh, no no no,
she took off with my clothes.
JOEY: Are you naked in
there?
CHANDLER: Not exactly.
. . I'm wearin panties.
JOEY: Huh, you uh, you
always wear panties?
CHANDLER: No, no, this
is the first time.
JOEY: Wow, talk about your
bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off
with your clothes.
CHANDLER: I was not trying
them out, Susie asked me to wear them.
JOEY: Well, let me see.
CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting
you or anybody else see, ever.
JOEY: Alright, alright.
[climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's
flossing.
[Ross enters, sees Joey
in the mirror]
ROSS: [to Joey who's looking
over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that.
JOEY: Chandler's wearing
panties.
ROSS: What? Let me see.
[climbs up in the other adjoining stall]
CHANDLER: No, no, you don't
have to see.
ROSS: Hi Tushie.
CHANDLER: Alright, one
of you give me your underpants.
JOEY: Can't help you, I'm
not wearing any.
CHANDLER: How can you not
be wearing any underwear?
JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat
from the guy in the hot pink thong.
CHANDLER: Alright look
Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.
[Some guy has entered.]
ALL: Hi.
[Back at the table. Joey
and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in
front of him, and leaves.]
Ep. 13 ~TOW The Superbowl,
Part 2~
Season 4
Joey: If anything should
happen to him?
Ross: Joey! The vet said
it?s a simple procedure.
Joey: So! Things can go
wrong! You don?t know! What if he doesn?t make it?!
Chandler: He will, Joe.
Joey: Yeah, but what if
he doesn?t? He?s such a good duck.
(With that we go into a
little flashback about the guys? memories of the duck. The first one is
Joey playing with him in the bathtub and drying him off. Then it?s Chandler
sitting on his couch after they moved into the girls apartment, and Chandler
reading to him in bed, and him watching Baywatch when all they had was
the canoe and the duck was in a bucket of water. Then we see Ross eating
some cereal and the duck watching him. He takes a lamp and moves the duck
off of the table. Then it?s Chandler shooing them out of the bathroom in
the girls? apartment, Joey revealing their disco cubby hole in the entertainment-center,
then Chandler playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with them, and it?s concluded with
various scenes with the duck flapping it?s wings. And the guys staring
into the distance in remembrance of the duck.)
Joey: I?m so worried about
him, y?know?
The Doctor: (coming in
from surgery) Somebody lose a ring?
Ross: Oh my God! Thank
you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does a
double-take realising where it?s been.)
Joey: H-h-h-how?s the duck?
The Doctor: He?s doing
just fine, he?s resting now, but you can see him in a little bit.
Joey: Ohh, great! Oh hey,
listen Ross, thanks for being so cool about this.
Ross: No, that?s all right.
Joey: No, it?s not. I mean
you-you made me your best man and I totally let you down!
Chandler: Hey, come on,
it?s not your fault.
Joey: Yeah, it is! You
wouldn?t have lost the ring, right? Y?know what, Ross you were right from
the start, he (Chandler) should be your best man.
Chandler: No, you should.
Joey: Now, don?t argue
with me?
Ross: Hey! Hey! Hey! I
get to choose my best man, and I want both you guys.
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Really?
Ross: Hey, both you guys
should be up there with me. I mean, you two are-are my? I mean, I?m lucky
to have just one good?
(They all start getting
emotional.)
Chandler: Thanks man.
Joey: (starting to cry)
I gotta go check something over here. (He walks away so that they can?t
see him cry.)
Chandler: What a baby.
Ross: Total wuss!
(They both turn and wipe
their eyes.)
Ep. 22 ~TOW The Worst Best
Man Ever~