The Tick vs. Chairface ChippendaleThis episodes villian:
(The Tick is grunting as he jumps from building to building as Arthur flys overhead)
Arthur: So, uh… h-how much longer do we do this?
Tick: We’re on patrol. (jumps to another building) Hunh! So, we patrol until something happens. A crime or something. (jumps again) Hooo!
Arthur: I mean, we’ve been at this for hours. What if nothing happens?
(The Tick suddenly stops, a layer of pavement rolls ahead of him)
Tick: We’re superheros. Something always happens.
(A distant bell alarm can now be heard going off in the distance)
(Tick stops to listen suddenly)
(Tick jumps off in the bells direction. After a few seconds, Arthur follows)
(A building is now shown with a red light blinking. A sign on it reads "Superweapons Laboratory (Very Deadly’)
(3 gangsters emerge from the building. Two very large men holding a crate, one with boils on his face, another with a zipper on his neck, and another not holding the crate who has a large forhead and is holding a gun)
Forhead: Ah! That school bell’s giving me a headache. Let’s get out of here.
Tick: Naughty spawn! I say to you stop you’re evil ways. You face, the Tick.
(Gangsters set down crate, start laughing)
(Meinwhile on a roof above)
American Maid: Big blue jerk! You’re going to ruin everything!
Forehead: Look. You can play pajama police all you want, but we run this town, bug boy! (Starts laughing)
(The Tick jumps down behind them, they all turn around. Tick picks up Forehead by suspenders)
Tick: No one likes to be laughed at, friend.
Forehead: (snaps fingers) Zipperneck, show ‘em your stuff!
Zipperneck: Hey! Look at this! (We see him from the back unzipping his neck)
(The Tick covers his eyes and screams. Zipperneck pushes Tick back and his head goes into a dumpster)
Tick: (dazed) So that’s the way you want it, huh?
(Zipperneck lunges at him)
(Overhead Arthur watches occasionally going "oh…" as The Tick is pulverized. He then lands behind Forehead)
Forehead: Hey! Who are you?
Arthur: I’m the sidekick.
Forehead: Ok. Boils. Kick him to the side.
(Boils walks to Arthur as he walks backwards, suddenly, we see Zipperneck being thrust into a wall)
Tick: Now look what you made me do.
(Zipperneck breaks off a ladder from a fire escape to his right. He hits Tick with it, his head goes through the rungs. Zipperneck twists it and the ladder squeezes The Tick’s head)
Tick: Gad! My melon!
Arthur: (as he is backed into a wall) I don’t think we’re past the point of discussion.
(Boils lunges at Arthur with both hands. Arthur ducks and starts to run away as Boils gets one of his hands out of the wall and grabs Arthur)
(Zipperneck laughs as The Tick swings the ladder from his head violently. Camera pans up to see American Maid watching. She sighs and jumps down to save them. )
(The Forehead uses a crowbar to pry open the front of the crate and takes out the breifcase in it)
(The Tick rips the ladder of his head and jump kicks Boils, still laughing)
(American Maid is standing behind Forehead on the opened crate)
American Maid: Hey! Forehead! How’s your parole officer?
Forehead: American Maid? Aw, man! ( He starts to run off)
(She takes off her shoe and begins to throw it at him when she sees Arthur in trouble and throws it at Boils, pinning his shirt sleeve to the wall.)
(She jump kicks Boils, knocking him out, and grabs her shoe, just in time to see Forehead drive off)
American Maid: Are you all right?
Arthur: Yes, thank you.
(Zipperneck is thrown at her, she jumps out of the way.)
Tick: Ah, American Maid. Good of you to join us in another stirring victory against the forces of evil.
(American Maid grabs one of The Tick’s antennae)
American Maid: Listen, you blue goon! You’ve ruined a whole nights work!
(She tugs harder)
Tick: Careful, careful. These things are sensitive.
(She lets go of the antennae, it snaps back)
American Maid: I was following them. They would have led me to the mastermind behind their wicked scheme. But you two screwed that up.
(Arthur picks up an envelope that fell out of Boils pocket)
Arthur: Hey! What’s this? (reading) Happy Birthday to me. You are cordially invited to a birthday party for the worlds greatest criminal mastermind. Gift required. Watch me comit the most daring, spectacular crime of this or any other century.
Tick: Cool! Crime of the century!
(She takes invitation and notices picture of chair on it)
American Maid: I should have known. Chairface Chippendale.
American Maid: He’s too powerful for me to take on alone. I’m going to need some help.
(Tick clears throat for attention and flexs….really big.)
American Maid: Oh, all right. I suppose I could do a lot worse.
American Maid: OK, here’s the plan.
(Camera pans to a long path leading up to a mansion. A car drives up to the path.)
(Forehead gets out of car and knocks on door. A hatch opens up and a pair of eyes look out. A man with hooks for hands opens the door)
Forehead: Hey! Hooks!
(Forehead walks past to people hanging up a banner reading "Happy Birthday." One has a large crease where his eyes should be, the other is a mole like creature with a large belt of dynamite around his waist)
DynaMole: I still think there’s too much green.
The Crease: I told you! It’s a motif!
Man (off camera): Ah, The Forehead. And where are you’re partners in crime?
(The man is revealed to be a professor with a metalic silver head [who speaks with a bad German accent])
Forehead: Ah, they got nabbed but I got the goods.
(Forehead shakes the breifcase to indicate it. Professor Chromedome lunges at it)
Prof: Ah! Dumbkov! Don’t go shaking those! How can you have such a big head and such a tiny brain?
(They walk to a man sitting in a chair in front of a fireplace)
Prof: Heir (some German spelling that I don’t know) Chippendale. We have the lenses.
Chippendale: The Geisman lenses. Lets take a closer look, shall we?
(Chromedome brings the breifcase over to Chippendale and opens it up. He picks up one of the lenses and it sends a glowing blue light around shining around)
Prof: Ah! Heir Chippendale. They are so beautiful!
(he begins to drool)
(he shines it across the room and up The Forehead, stopping on his forehead. It begins to smoke)
Forehead: Hey! Hey! Watch it with that thing will ya?
Prof: Oh, yeah! These babies can really burn. When properly arranged they can magnify the light from a single candle into a heat ray of unparalleled range and power!
Chippendale: Yes. The ray from these lenses could cut a skyscrapper in half, or worse.
(he stands up)
Chippendale: It’s just what I need to complete my super weapon. Now, I ask you, is that a birthday present or what? (laughs maniacally)
(cut to scene or a sewer grate opening)
(we can begin to see Sewer Urcin begin to get out)
Arthur: What’s keeping American Maid? She said she’d meet us at five.
Tick: Hey! It’s Sewer Urchin!
(Urchin is now exposed from the waist up. Green stink lines [you know, like in comic books] are coming off of him)
Tick: How are you today?
Urchin: Very poisonous. Don’t touch me.
Tick: Ho ho. Who’d want to?
Urchin: Yeah. So oof..you guys ugg… got any huuff… super action going on up here? Any offf… supervillians you need a hand ugg…with?
(with each ooff/ugg he is making a punch into the air)
Arthur: Yeah! We’re gonna go stop the crime of the…
(The smell of Urchin reaches Arthur)
Tick: Yeah. (to Arthur) Ix-nay on the lan-play. Okay? (to Urchin) No. No. Pretty quiet up here. See you later Sewer Urchin.
Urchin: Yeah right.
(Urchin goes back down into the sewer just as a giant truck with the words "Catering" on the side and a giant fiberglass croissant bun on top)
Maid (from in van): Get in boys.
(They do and it takes off with flames coming from the back)
(Inside, the boys are bounced up in down)
Maid: Here put these on. (she throws them to tuxedoes)
Maid: We’re going sneak into Chairface’s party as caterers.
Tick: The Tick caters to no man!
(Tick bonks his head on the roof of the car)
Maid: Tick. Work with me here will ya?
(The van drives up a path to Chairface's mansion)
Tick: Say! These little crab things are great!
Maid: You like them? They’re my own recipe. Now listen. We’re about to crash a party for one of the world’s most dangerous masterminds. And the guest list will read like America’s Most Wanted.
(The camera pans across each character as American Maid says their name)
Maid: The Crease (he is holding a present), Harriet Curse (so is she), Headless Henderson (he is holding a pitcher of water and a glass. He pours water into his glass and dumps it down where his neck should be), The Guy With little Ears Like Raisins ( he puts his arm around Sheila Eel and is electrocuted by an eel on her shoulders) Sheila Eel, The Deadly Nose, Jack Tuber: Man of a Thousand Faces (Jack is a Mr. Potato Head looking guy. He takes his nose off and puts it in Eyebrows Mulligan’s drink. Everyone laughs), Eyebrows Mulligan. Yes, it’s a spectacularly ugly menagerie of career wrongdoers. And there, at the top of this grotesque sundae the most rotten cherry of them all, Chairface Chippendale. (Chairface is holding a box of rubies and other jewels)
Chairface (sarcastically): Oh, diamonds. How original. More gifts!
(A man with a ribbon pulling another man comes to Chairface. As he walks forward it is revealed that the man on the ribbon has a wingnut for a head)
Man: Happy Birthday Chairface. I hope you like him. He’s Dean. My best henchman. He has the strongest hands in the criminal world. Ha ha!
(Dean takes the diamond from Chairface’s hand, and squeezes it into a pile of dust)
Chairface: Oh! I like him.
(Outside American Maid, Tick and Arthur are getting ready to go inside)
Maid: Ok. You guys work the crowd. I’ll get close to Chairface and try and figure out what his plan is.
(The Tick wheels a cart of food around; Arthur carries a tray. He accidentally bumps into a large henchman. They circle around him)
Arthur: Would anyone care for a…
(Many different people snatch and grab all of the food on Arthur’s plate)
Arthur: Hey! Where did you people grow up?
Prof: You’re weapon is ready Heir Chippendale! Happy Birthday!
Maid: Hors d’oeuvres Mr. Chippendale?
Forehead: I know that voice!
(At his cart the man who gave Chippendale Dean is there)
Tick: Try one of these little crab things! They’re great!
Man: You’re paid to serve oaf! Not critique!
(Tick grabs a fistful of them)
Tick: Oh, I think you’ll like these.
Arthur: Tick! What are you doing?
(Tick is shown holding the man by his shirt with globs of food around his mouth and on The Tick’s hand)
Tick: Would anyone care for a fruit cocktail?
(on the other side of the room)
Forehead: Hey! You’re American Maid!
(she jump kicks him, throws a plate at Chairface, which he ducks, jumps in the air, rips of her tuxedo revealing her regular clothes and lands next to Tick and Arthur, and catches the plate)
Tick: Man, she’s good.
Chairface: Oh! Hors d’oeuvres and a floor show! How can we ever thank you? Wait! I have an idea! (he points to Chromedome) Just relax. Make yourselves comfortable.
(Chromedome pulls a lever and a giant rope lassos the three heroes and they are lifted up into the air)
Tick: Don’t worry! I’ll snap this steel cable like pasta!
(Tick strains to snap it but it just smooshes Arthur and American Maid [making them look weird])
Arthur: Tick…you’re…crushing us!
Tick: Ooo. Sorry.
Chairface: So! Two birthday presents! Superheroes! This must be the part when I reveal my sinister plot! Allow me to unveil my new birthday toy! (he fiddles with his remote control) The awesome Giesmann ray. With this lovely new weapon, I, Chairface Chippendale will commit the ultimate act of vandalism. I will write my name across the face of the moon! (he laughs maniacally)
Tick/Maid: You’ll never get away with this Chairface!
Chairface: Unfortunately you three won’t be around to witness my historic signature because I’m going to feed you to my pets: Man-Eating-Alligators!
(A trap door opens beneath them)
Arthur: What?! (clears throat) What?
Tick: Standard villain procedure.
Chairface: You entered my house as caterers but you will leave it as the main course!
(they are lowered down)
Arthur: You jerk!
(They are lowered down and we get a view of the alligators swimming around)
Arthur: I really, really don’t want to be eaten!
Tick: Then swing!
Tick: Swing with me Arthur!
(they swing back and forth Arthur sometimes being squished against the wall)
(American Maid pushes off the wall)
Tick: That’s it American Maid! Everybody swing!
(Tick bites down on the bottom of a grate)
Tick: Ok. Now we’ll need a hand.
(American Maid pulls her arm out)
(A giant alligator lunges up at Arthur. It bites his tie off)
Arthur: Didn’t expect a clip-on did ya?
(The Tick rams his head at the grate, the cover comes off)
Tick (dazed from hitting his head): I want a pony!
(A circle of villains stand around Chairface)
All: Happy Birthday Chairface!
(he blows out the candles on a moon shaped cake with his name on it)
Chairface: I haven’t always had friends like you. Because I was born… different. Because I was different society shunned me, the world tried to forget my face. But after tonight they will never forget my name! Professor Chromedome! Prepare to fire!
(Chromedome pulls a lever by the ray and all of the mirrors lock into place)
Prof: Ready when you are Heir Chippendale! See? New batteries even!
(he flicks on a flashlight and plugs it into the ray)
(Meanwhile, Tick, Arthur and American Maid walk on a narrow cliff to Chairface’s mansion)
Tick: We only have seconds to thwart Chairface’s evil plan and bring him to justice.
Chairface (off camera): Give me a "C"!
(the ray fires)
(Tick runs ahead as a large C is written on the moon)
Chairface (off camera): Gimmie an "H"!
(An H is written on the moon as Chairface laughs)
Tick:…Yes, but you’re plan didn’t work. Now let’s use my plan! Brute force!
Maid: No way! There’s to many of them! We need a diversion!
Arthur: We don’t have time for this! We’ve gotta save the moon!
(he crawls in through a window)
Chairface (off camera): Now give me an "A"!
(the villains cheer as the ray fires. The A is made about half way as Arthur takes the flashlight out of the ray)
Chairface: Chromedome? Where’s the rest of my A?
Prof: I’m trying but there’s a malfunction of some sort. Something in the electrics!
(Arthur jumps down off the platform and villains crowd around him)
Arthur: Ahem… help.
Tick: (outside) That’s Arthur!
Chairface: Well, well. I presume my alligators satisfied my alligator’s appetites?
Tick: Not quite.
Tick: And you can thank my dental hygienist for our untimely aliveness. Party’s over Chairface!
(A large mass of villains jumps on the Tick. He throws them all across the room)
(American Maid corners Chairface in a corner to which he pulls out a sword from a crest behind him)
(She pulls a chair which blocks Chairface's blow)
(Tick throws Man of a Thousand Faces into a wall. His features fall off and into a pile on his lap)
(cut to American Maid still fighting)
(The Deadly Nose fires a beam from his nose at Tick)
Tick: Don’t you blow you’re nose at me, mister.
(he throws him into a wall)
(Maid swings her chair at Chairface)
(Dean sneaks up behind Tick and grabs his head)
Tick: Unsettling trend.
(Arthur grabs the control panel at the ray)
(Maid swings at Chairface and backs him into a corner)
(Chromedome finds Arthur at the ray)
Prof: You’ve ruined everything you terrible rabbit person!
(Arthur shines the light at his face)
Prof: Ahh! I’m momentarily blinded!
(Arthur punches some buttons on the remote control and the ray rotates and knocks Chromedome off the platform)
(Ticks head is still being crushed by Dean. Tick starts to untwist the wingnut on his head)
(Maid swings again at Chairface pushing him back)
(Tick gets the wingnut off far enough, Dean lets go. He ducks so the ray doesn’t bump his head)
Arthur: Ah… sorry!
(all the villains Tick beat up start to awake)
Tick: Arthur! I’ve got a plan!
(Chairface starts to get up)
Maid: The party’s over Chairface!
Chairface: Would you people stop saying that?
(he pushes a button on the wall revealing a secret panel with a gun inside. He picks it up)
Chairface: Especially, when the fun is just beginning!
(The front of the ray is moved in front of Chairface)
Tick: The party’s over Chairface! Give it up, or we’ll write this whole place of the face of the earth!
(Later, cops are pilling Chairface into a cop car. He looks up at the moon)
Chairface: They’ll pay for this, all of them! No prison can hold Chairface Chippendale!
(the catering van is shown driving off)
(Maid is talking to the boys as they stand outside the van)
Maid: Well, I have to admit I was pretty worried. But I have to admit, you guys are pretty good at this.
Tick: Yes, it was good saving the moon with you, American Maid. Drive safely now.
(she speeds away)
Tick:A heart of gold beats beneath that big fiberglass croissant-and thank goodness for it! It’s spirit like her’s that allowed us to thwart Chairface’s evil scheme and thwart we did.
Arthur: I guess so.
Tick: What’s that… you’ve got… some sort of yuck there.
(he licks his fingers and rubs the front of Arthur’s goggles)